Worst Joke Ever

[laislica]

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father

for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman."

The Priest says, "Is that you Tommy?"

"Yes father, it is I."

"Who was the woman you were with?"

"I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation."

The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"No father."

"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"

"No father."

"Was it Ann Brown?"

"No father, I cannot tell you."

The priest says, "I admire your perseverance but you must

atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers

and four Hail Marys."

Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over

and asks, "What happened?"

Tommy replies, "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys,

and three good leads."

[laislica]

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane, when he

heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is

exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big

fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat

next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too

shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.

"This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really

good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck,

he'll ask me for assistance."

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and

said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word

referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"

Only one word leapt to mind... "My goodness," thought the

gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be

another." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then

it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I

think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."

"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

[laislica]

A man, along with his extraordinarily beautiful date, walk

into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. The man says to the

shop owner, "Please show the lady your finest mink!"

So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with

an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries

it on, the furrier stands next to the man and discreetly

whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"That's no problem, we'll take it!" said the man, "I'll

just write you a check!"

"Very good, sir." said the shop owner. "But since today is

Saturday, you'll have to come by on Monday to pick it up,

after the check has cleared the bank."

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow

returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show

your face in here? There wasn't a single penny in your

checking account!"

The man just grinned and said, "I'm sorry, but I just had

to come by!"

"Why Bother?" the steamed shop owner replied.

"I wanted to thank you for the most wonderful weekend

of my life!"

[laislica]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there

for a number of years when he came home one day to confess

to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an

urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife

suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about

it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He

vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.

His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous

urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

[laislica]

Signs You Have A Drinking Problem:

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off

the earth.

Job interferring with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I

think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

When you can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

Every woman you see has an exact twin.

You fall off the floor...

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger,

screw dinner!

The glass keeps missing your mouth!

Bill Clinton starts to make sense.

Vampires catch a buzz after attacking you [also mosquitoes!]

At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bathroom, your underwear is in the bedroom,

you thought you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine,

alcohol, and [Men/Women].

Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more

and more attractive.

Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.

I'm not drunk... you're just sober... - HI OCIFER!!!!!!

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognise your wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they

walk past you.

You have a Reserved Parking space at the liquor store.

When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle -

please pass the ice pack....

BeerTender! Get me another Bar!

The shrubbery's drunk too, from frequent watering.

[laislica]

A woman took her dog to the vet "Doctor," she said, "I think

my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and

reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked

all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog is

dead," says the doctor. "How much do I owe you?" the lady

asks. "$345," says the doctor. "$345!!?" the lady asks.

"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

[laislica]

This would be good if it WAS a joke!!!

Three contractors were touring the white house on the same

day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the

third from Florida.

At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did

for a living. When they each replied that they were

contractors the guard said "Hey, we need one of the rear

fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid."

So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida

contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did

some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run

about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100

profit for me."

Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape

measure and pencil did some quick figuring and said, "Looks

like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300

for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much.

Without so much as moving the contractor says $2700. The

guard, incredulous looks at him says "You didn't even

measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such

a high figure?" "Easy" says the contractor from New York,

"$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from

Missouri".

[laislica]

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first

night together, doing what newly weds do, time and again,

all night long.

Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but

finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the

bride to please bring one from the bedroom.

When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door,

exposing his body for the first time to his bride where

she see him well.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped

and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's THAT?", pointing

to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said,

"Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

[warfie]

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first

night together, doing what newly weds do, time and again,

all night long.

Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but

finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the

bride to please bring one from the bedroom.

When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door,

exposing his body for the first time to his bride where

she see him well.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped

and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's THAT?", pointing

to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said,

"Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

Cold morning?

[warfie]

The wife asked me if her new dress made her arse look fat.

"honestly?" I asked.

"yes, honestly."

"no, it's your arse that makes that dress look fat."

The doctor says I will probably be walking again in less than a year...

[Robby nz]

Thought for the day

If fish farts does it break wind or break water?

[cobra]

Two snails climb on top of a turtle for a ride,

one says to the other,

Hang on, here we go.

Edited December 18, 2012 by cobra

[Daewoo]

A woman took her dog to the vet "Doctor," she said, "I think

my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and

reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked

all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog is

dead," says the doctor. "How much do I owe you?" the lady

asks. "$345," says the doctor. "$345!!?" the lady asks.

"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

after the cat, he got a Labrador to come and sniff the dog... the Labrador just sniffed the dog and then walked away...

$45 for the visit, $150 each for the cat scan and the lab work...

[kevjohn]

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

"What was the jingle?" asked the first.

"Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."

[kevjohn]

Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offence.

"You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer.

"All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."

[kevjohn]

As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess:

"What's that stuff on those hills?"

"Just snow," replied the stewardess.

"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."

[warfie]

This woman owned two Dachshunds, a male and a female.

A friend of hers calls one day and says, "How do you keep him away from her when she's in heat?"

"Oh that's not a problem" she says, "When I go out, I put the female upstairs."

"And does that do the trick?" asks her friend.

"Well," she says, "Have you ever seen a Dachshund try to climb stairs with an erection?"

[warfie]

Q: If I had one cricket ball in one hand, and another cricket ball in the other hand, what would I have?

A: One bloody big cricket!

[warfie]

so I woke-up this morning ready to go fishing.

I asked the wife if she wanted to come.

she said no, so I said "fishing, oral sex or anal sex, your choice"

she chose to give me oral...

2 seconds later she's spitting and whining that "it tastes like shit!"

I said "yeah, the dog didn't want to go fishing either..."

[Ron19]

Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.

"What's your name?" asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Australia now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Kevin."

Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked.

"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Australia and now my name is Kevin."

"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"

And his mother beat him. Then she called his father, who beat him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his bruises. "What happened to you, Kevin?” she asked.

"Well miss, shortly after becoming an Australian, I was attacked by two f@%king Arabs."

Edited December 21, 2012 by Ron19

[Ron19]

CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends,

"My son is a priest. When he walks into

a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps,

"My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says,

"My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly,

"My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies,

"I have a daughter,

SLIM

TALL

38D BREASTS

24"WAIST and

36"HIPS.

When she walks into a room, people say,

"Jesus Christ !".

Edited December 21, 2012 by Ron19

[warfie]

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

He heard the ref was blowing fowls.

Edited December 21, 2012 by warfie

[warfie]

A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards he goes to a nearby restaurant and orders the specialty of the day. The waiter brings him two very big balls on a huge plate, which the tourist eats with relish. The next day he goes to the same restaurant again, once again orders the specialty of the day, and he is brought two very big balls on a huge plate. It tastes even more scrumptious.

The third day he does the same and the fourth, but on the fifth day he goes to the restaurant and orders the specialty of the day, and they bring him two very small balls on a big plate. The man asks, "What gives?"

And the waiter says, "Senor, the bullfighter doesn't always win!"

[warfie]

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A: A Doberman Pinscher.

[TomTao]

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water, silly Jill forgot her pill and now she's got a daughter.

Sent from my GT-N7100 using Thaivisa Connect App

[Ron19]

NO SEX Since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

(Gotta love military time)

[Crossy]

Thanks to Warfie for reminding me:-

Q. What's black and brown with four legs and an arm?

A, A Rottweiler.

[scottishjohn]

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

"What was the jingle?" asked the first.

"Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."

Ah! Were they Brits and Yanks talking perchance?

[warfie]

At a restaurant the other night, I recognised the pretty little star shaped flower with the distinctive liquorice perfume, I mentioned to the waitress "I love your anise"

Next thing I know I'm coming around on an ambulance gurney and the police are arresting the waitress and my wife.

[warfie]

Q: What do you call the space between Pamela Anderson's breasts?

A: Silicon Valley.