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A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $20."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

She pulls out a note-pad and pen and writes "sperm bank"

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

What is 6.9?

A really great thing ruined by a period.

I went to the doctor today and asked "If I quit drinking, smoking, and all those other bad things, will I live longer?"

He said "Yeah, but why would you want to?"

I asked for a second opinion and his partner said "No, but it'll feel like it."

A Protestant, a Roman Catholic, a Muslim and a Jew were having a discussion during a dinner party.

Protestant: “I’m very wealthy and I’m going to buy General Motors.”

Catholic: “I have a large fortune. I’m going to buy Citibank.”

Muslim: “Well, I’m a fabulously rich prince. I intend to purchase Microsoft!”

They then wait for the Jew to speak......

The Jew stirs his coffee carefully, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says, “I’m not selling!”

Once there were two Chinese gentlemen named Mr. Ho and Mr. Chen.

They were neighbours but happened to be very competitive.

One day Mr. Ho decided to start a shoe business, he named his store WE DO SHOE.

Now Mr. Chen decided he must compete with Mr. Ho, so he started a shoe business right next door to Mr. Ho's store and he named it SHOE DO WE.

Santa is having a really bad few days, the elves have been on the

booze, reindeer up to no good, the sled needs a trillion mile service

and he’s not well, Mrs Claus is giving him heaps about mucking out the

reindeers, taking the booze off the elves, mowing the tundra etc.

Things are at explosion point when his door bell rings - its a fairy

who says to Santa " I just found this wonderful tree for xmas, where

would you like me to stick it ???"

Which is why there is usually a fairy on the top of a Christmas tree.

A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you

had to arrest your own mother?'

He answered, 'Call for backup.'

"Yesterday, the Senate floor was reserved for farewell speeches from retiring senators.

Each senator received a fitting gift: a gold watch that stopped working years ago."

-Jimmy Fallon-

Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy?

A: Two mothers-in-law!

Q: Why do men take showers instead of baths?

A: Because peeing in the bath is disgusting!

Q: What kind of bees make milk?

A: BOO-BEES!

Q: Why did the cook get arrested?

A: Because he beat an egg.

Q: How do you get a kleenex to dance?

A: Put a little boogey in it.

Q: What did Delaware?

A: She wore a brand New Jersey!

Q: What did the normal baby say to the test-tube baby?

A: Your dad's a wanke_r.

Q: What happened to the Native American who drank too much tea?

A: He drowned in his own tea pee.

Ok, I know where the door is...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.

"Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver."

"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart."

"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite."

The Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish

captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.

It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between

the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the

auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters,

'I don't like Chinese..'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah!

That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.

'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain,

'It was an iceberg!'

Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no mattah...all fukin same.

^^ Shocking

Q: What's the difference between a wedding and a wake?

A: One less drunk

A man walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the guy started to leave.

"Excuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what the guy had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing", said the guy, "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school

teacher.

"He's a magician, ma'am," said Little Johnny.

"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?" asked

the teacher.

"He saws people in half," answered Little Johnny.

"Wow! That must be amazing to watch," said the

teacher. "Do you have any brothers or sisters?"

Little Johnny replied,

"One half brother and two half sisters."

Two Americans open a bungee jumping business in Mexico. They set up on the square of a small village.

Bob jumps, bounces at the end of the cord and flies back up by the platform. Jeff isn't able to catch his friend, but he notices that Bob has a few cuts and scratches.

Bob falls again, bounces, and comes back up. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Jeff misses pulling Bob up.

The third time it happens, Bob comes back pretty messed up -- he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Jeff finally catches him and says, "Holy cow, what happened? Was the cord too long?"

"No," says Bob. "The cord was fine, but the birthday party down there thinks I'm a pinata!"

Spanish hula dancer: Doctor can you look at this rash and tell me what it is?

Doctor: mmmm, grassy arse.

Sent from my GT-N7100 using Thaivisa Connect App

Q: What do Canadians do with used condoms?

A: Recycle them and make chewing gum for export to the U.S.A.

They were burying Paddy today and the priest was explaining to the congregation that before they could

put Paddy to rest, someone had to get up and say something nice about Paddy, even though Paddy was a

drunk and a fighter and a crook and never paid back what he had borrowed.

No one got up.

So the priest got up again and said, "Maybe I didn't explain me-self properly. Before we can put Paddy in

his grave, one of us MUST get up and say something nice about the man. It's our duty."

So as the priest sat down again, a man in the back pew got up, cleared his throat, and with hat in hand, said,

"His brother was worse!".

A man apply's for a patent at the patent office.

Officer : What is your invention ?

Man : An icecube with a hole.

Officer : You don't get a patent for that, I'm married to one for 25 years.

My budgie escaped from it's cage a few months ago.

He caught the cat and to everyones surprise he RAPED her!!!

I now have some kittens going cheep, if anyone's interested...

Sex is like euchre. If you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand.

An older couple is lying in bed one morning.

They had just awakened from a good night's sleep

He takes her hand and she responds, 'Don't touch me.'

'Why not?' he asked.

She answered, 'Because I'm dead.'

The husband asked...'What are you talking about?

We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another!'

She said, 'No, I'm definitely dead.'

He insisted, 'You are not dead.

What in the world makes you think you're dead?'

'Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.'