Worst Joke Ever

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

Way to go Teach!

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What?

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A love relationship the younger generation will

will never know about.

[riceyummm]

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[loong]

Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs?

Because the cow has the udder

[loong]

What do you call a short-sighted dinosaur?

Doyouthinkhesawus

[loong]

So I was in this restaurant when my lettuce leapt off my plate and lay on the floor twitching!

I called over the waiter to ask what was going on.

"You DID order the seizure salad, didn't you sir?"

[loong]

So this bloke was explaining to me that he had a problem with his penis.

Apparently it was bulging at the base and the tip, but getting skinnier in the middle of the length. As well as that, it was turning blue!

"You should go and see a specialist"

"But that will cost me money!"

"Aah, I understand now - You're a tight-fisted tosser"

[loong]

This chinese person was visiting the UK and went to the bank to change some money.

2 weeks later, he went back to the bank and changed some more, but this time was given less than before.

"Hang on, howr clum you glive me ress money flor same amount?"

"Fluctuations" said the clerk

"Fluc you white pleople as well - just answer my flucking question!"

[loong]

So this couple had been married for 20 years and enjoyed a great love life. Only thing is that the man always insisted that they only make love with the light off.

Then one day, curiosity got the better of her and she switched on the light half way through a session.

She was suprised to see that he was using a dildo on her.

"What on earth??!!" "Why are you using THAT?"

Shamefaced, her husband admitted that he had been using it everytime since they were married.

"Why is that? I demand an explanation!!"

"Ok, I can explain, but do you mind explaining the 2 kids first?"

[loong]

2 nuns in the bath, one says "Wears the soap".

The other says "It sure does"

[loong]

So, Stevie Wonder is playing a gig in Tokyo.

During a pause between songs he hears a voice from the audience

"Play a Jazz chord"

This joined by another voice

"Yes. Play a Jazz chord"

Then another and another and it soon seemed like most of the audience were shouting

"Play a Jazz chord"

"Wow" Stevie thinks, "They must really like their jazz in Japan."

So Stevie launches into a jazz number and really gets into it.

He finishes the number, expecting tumultuous applause. But unbelievably, there was total silence!

Then the chant starts up again

"Play a Jazz chord" "Play a Jazz chord" "Play a Jazz chord"

"Hmm", thinks Stevie, "maybe they would prefer Jazz funk"

So he gets into a jazz funk number, but when he finishes, again silence.

Feeling frustrated, Stevie decides to go back to his routine set.

Starting on his next number the crowd went wild, cheering and clapping and when he started to sing the whole audience joined in

"A jazz chord to say I ruv you"

[scottishjohn]

So Cinderella went to the ball

She took some photos

Obviously, this was well before digital photos and she sent her roll of film away to be developed.

Everyday she saw the postman walk by, she would bury her head in her hands and sigh

"one day my prints will come"

Did the postman always give a negative response with a snappy answer?

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les' wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!

Shocked by this, Jim, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Les' wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you like under there?" Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well, indeed he did.

She said, "Well, you can have it, but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirmed that he was interested.

Sue told him that since her husband Les played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2:00 pm Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Les' house at 2:00 pm sharp, and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 -- they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left. As usual, Les came home from golf at 6:00 pm and upon arriving, asked his wife, "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sue answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" Sue, using her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player ...

[riceyummm]

Things you don't want to give your Thai wife or girlfriend.

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[loong]

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

[loong]

This bloke I know lost both legs in an accident.

He told me that some people would make nasty jokes such as he hasn't a leg to stand on, and he was really upset about it.

I told him that he needs to stand up for himself

[loong]

I was once in a porno movie - but I only had a small part

[loong]

Fight fire with fire.

Why do firemen use water?

[warfie]

It was a pretty serious auto accident. Because he wasn't wearing his seat belt, his face smashed into the windshield.

In a strange twist of fate, he wasn't seriously injured, but something rather bizarre happened:

The cracked glass pinched his right eyelid and, when he bounced back,
ripped the eyelid off. Unfortunately, the tissue wasn't saved for
reattachment.

At the hospital, plastic surgeons weren't sure how to repair it. Skin
grafts wouldn't do the trick, since plain skin isn't thick enough for
the job. Then one of the surgeons noticed he wasn't circumcised. The
thick, elastic skin there would be just the ticket!

Sure enough, the operation was a success and the new eyelid works just as intended!

But the true measure of success in any plastic surgery is: how does it look? It's not quite perfect, doctors say: while it works perfectly, he will forever be ...a little cockeyed.

[loong]

People tell me that I'm too condescending

If you knew what condescending means, you would realise that it is not true

[laislica]

People tell me that I'm too condescending

If you knew what condescending means, you would realise that it is not true

I just checked your label, past the sell by date!

Only kidding - honest - would I lie?

[laislica]

We're going to be time travelling tomorrow.

Get on the plane at midnight and fly for 13 hours

but get off ot 8 am, who has my 5 hours?

I want them back!

Arghhhhh!!!

On reflection, if we spend the next few years doing the same

will we end up before we were born?

Edited May 23, 2013 by laislica