What do you call a bear without a paw?

Rupert the bastard.

@warfie: Stop trolling.

THAT is the funniest thing you've said so far!

@warfie: Stop trolling.

THAT is the funniest thing you've said so far!

After observing a Deaf person in a public place, a hearing man decided to approach him and find out if Deaf people are literate.

He wrote "Can you read?" and handed the note to the deaf person.

Disgusted with this kind of ignorance, the Deaf person wrote back, "No. Can you write?"

A black horse walks into a bar and asks for a whiskey. The barman asks "Which whiskey would you like sir? We have Grouse, Bells and we even have one named after you!"

To which the horse replies "What..Eric?"

What's got 100 balls and f_ucks rabbits?

A Shotgun cartridge.

A female police officer is claiming compensation after tripping over a kerb in an unlit area.

Someone should have told her that the long black thing with batteries in, which she was given when she joined the force, is actually a torch

Can anyone help me with my Easter crossword puzzle?

2 across "where they nailed Jesus"?

What's the best time of the day to go to the dentist?

Tooth hurty.

For me, having sex is a lot like spreading butter on toast.

It's possible with a credit card, but so much easier with a knife.

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy
nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new
Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make

love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent.'

In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous

thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'

A teacher is explaining biology to her fourth grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories

could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began,

"I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door

got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl.

"My kitty raised her back, went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff,'

but before she could say '<deleted>*k!,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

This morning, from somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister
of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned Canada and the United States that if
military action in Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities will cut off
Canada's and America's only supply of convenience store managers.

And if cutting of the supply of 7-11 store managers does not

result in an immediate withdrawal of American and Canadian Armed Forces,
Mohammed Omar warned that cab drivers will be next, followed by Call Center,
telephone and cable company customer service reps.

It's really getting ugly now folks.

A man goes to the doctor's and tells him it hurts when he lifts his arms above his head.

The doctor says "Don't do it then!"

Courtesy of sickipedia.org:

My wife came back from her holiday and was absolutely glowing.
I told her not to go to Fukushima.


Why do Scotish men wear kilts?
Because the sound of zippers scare the sheep away


Scrap metal salvaged from the World Trade Center was used to build an aircraft carrier.
Who says Americans don't do irony?


My mind is like a steel trap...
Rusty, dirty and illegal in 37 states.


Apple are launching a new nappy that tells the parents when the baby needs changing.
It's called the iPood.


IKEA has withdrawn cakes found to contain faeces...
At least it wasn't furniture. There's nothing worse than finding your Cabinet is full of crap.


I went to mount Olive, Popeye wasn't too happy.

I was in an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me 'son'.
"Why do you call me 'son'? I asked. "You are not my father."
He replied, "I brought you up, didn't I?"
Well played.


My wife says she's leaving me, because I keep "sticking it in the wrong hole."
Her sister's.


I have to say that I love my wife just as much as I always did.
It's not true, but I have to say it.


My wife, she completes me.
You know, like predictive text.


What's my girlfriends favourite park ride?..
The mood swing.

The Personnel Manager said,

'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.

Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

The manager said,

'Make a sentence using the words

Yellow, Pink, and Green.'

Mujibar said,

'The telephone goes green, green,

And I pink it up, and say,

Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call centre.

No doubt you have spoken to him.

I know I have.

"G'day mate, Foster's helpline...What's the problem cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp,
and now her pussy has completely closed up."

"Bummer dude!"

" Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

Little Johnny's Substitute Teacher

Little Johnny was walking down the hallway at school. When he reaches his classroom he looks inside and sees a sub instead of his regular teacher. Johnny sits down and the teacher says, “Now students, my name is Ms. Prussy. Not the other word, this word has an r after the first letter.” Johnny started laughing. An hour later he forgot her name and said, “Your name has an r after the first letter -- is it Ms. Crunt?”

Why are allot of Thai girls flat chested?? Cause it makes it easier to Read there T-Shirts !!!

Why do Thai girls have Boobs & Nipples? To make suckers out of Men !!!

Lastly How to properly SMS Boobs :

Perfect Boobs (o)(o)

Fake Boobs ( + )( + )

Perky Boobs (*)(*)

Big Nipple Boobs (@)(@)

A Cups o o

Wonder Bra Boobs (oYo)

Lopsided Boobs (o)(O)

Grandma Boobs \ o /\ o /

What smells of curry and can move at over 40 mph?

Usain Balti.

Enforcement of alcohol,helmet use and driving regulations during Songkran.

It was a hot day in Minnesota ..

Helga hung out the wash to dry and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.

"Gootness, it's hotter Dan hell today," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street .

She passed a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt ?"

So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink .

"Ya know," Helga said in a timid voice, "I don't usually go into bars, but today I vill make an exception..

It is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer."

"Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.

Helga blushed and timidly replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur viener ?''

Edited April 21, 201313 yr by laislica

Q. What do you call a cat that can eat an entire duck?

A. A duck filled fatty puss.

Q. What do you call a cat that can eat an entire duck?

A. A duck filled fatty puss.

I admit that it took several seconds for the penny to drop and then only after I said it aloud...

Thaddeus, I now officially hate you!

Good one!

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whisky.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen

whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!

Edited April 22, 201313 yr by kevjohn

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

The Journalist then asked, "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a <deleted> wall."

SENIORS & COMPUTERS

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called George, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

George clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,

'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

George grinned ... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like George!!