Farmers are always at risk from contracting illnesses from their livestock.

Remember, if you suspect that you may have contracted bird flu, get tweetment as soon as possible.

If you think you may have pig flu, apply the correct oinkment

Mad cow disease gives you bullimia, doesn't it?

Hitler was sitting in a bar having a discussion with his mates and there were some obvious differences of opinion.

Hitler called over the bartender and said-

" we are discussing our plans for world domination and we can't all agree as those plans include killing 6 million Jews, maybe 15 million Soviets and 1 baker"

The bartender asked " why would you kill a baker?

Hitler turned to his mates with a smug expression and said "I told you that no-one will give a toss about the Jews and Soviets"

I apologise, but this is "The worst joke ever " thread and this must be a contender for the title.

Otto lay dying in bed. Suddenly he smells the the aroma of his favorite cookies. "Ha, That wonderful wife of mine has baked those cookies I just love, I must have one". With all the strength he can muster, he slides to the floor and crawls into the kitchen. There he sees a large plate of those cookies on the table. He crawls over and reaches up, only to be hit on the back of his hand with a spoon. " No Otto, those are for the funeral "

Otto and his friend Larry return early to Otto's house to find his wife and another friend Ted going at it on the floor in the living room. Otto sees this then steps over them and goes into the kitchen, Larry follows him in where Otto gets two beers from the fridge and gives one to Larry. They stand there drinking the beers in silent. Finally Larry can't hold back any longer. " What about Ted and your wife?" "They can get their own beers"

A man goes into a bar and sits next to this guy that's looking a bit down. The guy turns to him and says " You see that house over there? I built that house. I milled and planed every board. I crafted the stairs, doors and windows. Do they call me Otto the great house builder?--Nooooo!". " You see that bridge? I built that bridge. Hauled and set every stone. Do they call me Otto the great bridge builder?----Noooo!". " But you fuk one sheep-------"

OK, Last one, then I go away

It has been reported that stunt pilot Lisa Andrews had a hairy crackup while trying to fly her plane upside down.

Paddy goes to the doctor and says,

"Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."
The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"
"Yes, it's absolutely sweltering"
"Then get some air-con"
"I can't afford air-con, I'm too poor"
"Well, Paddy, do you have a good mate?"
"Yeah, I've got a mate Mick"
"Well, ask your mate Mick to stand over you and the Mrs with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help."
So, Paddy asks Mick for this favour, who then agrees to help him.

That night, Paddy is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Mick fanning them with the towel but it's doing nothing for her.
Paddy says, "Well this isn't working, let's swap."

So Paddy takes the towel and starts wafting Mick, who is now shagging Paddy's Mrs.

Not long after, Paddy's wife goes "Oooh... oh that's it, I'm about to cum, I'm going to cum!"

Paddy shouts, triumphantly, "You see, Mick?! That's how you waft a <deleted> towel!"

Two fish are in a bowl, one fish tells the other fish:

"Do You Know How To Drive This Thing?"

This one is for Warfie:

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall.

Dam!

when I heard this one in the USA, it was Cheetos!

A man goes to see the doctor and tells the doc that his penis has turned orange.

The doctor looks at it and says, “I haven't ever seen any thing like this before in my entire medical career. What do you do for a living? Do you work around any hazardous materials?” The man says no.

The doctor asks the man what he does all day. The man responds, “Nothing.” The doctor is really puzzled now and says, “You can't not do anything. What do you do at home all day?”

The man replies, “Honestly, doc, I don't do anything. I just sit around, watch porno flicks and eat Twisties.”

For the Brits that would be Twisties Wotsits

I'm not a 'Brits' I'm Scottish! so please explain wotsis a wotsis!

when I heard this one in the USA, it was Cheetos!

A man goes to see the doctor and tells the doc that his penis has turned orange.

The doctor looks at it and says, “I haven't ever seen any thing like this before in my entire medical career. What do you do for a living? Do you work around any hazardous materials?” The man says no.

The doctor asks the man what he does all day. The man responds, “Nothing.” The doctor is really puzzled now and says, “You can't not do anything. What do you do at home all day?”

The man replies, “Honestly, doc, I don't do anything. I just sit around, watch porno flicks and eat Twisties.”

For the Brits that would be Twisties Wotsits

I'm not a 'Brits' I'm Scottish! so please explain wotsis a wotsis!

It´s a crips´s thing that isn´t a crisp!

A sort of corn meal thing that is "popped" into a big size and is mostly empty.

Then it is drenched with E numbers to colour and flavour it.

If you need more info - go buy some, turn on the pron channel and enjoy!!

I was stood at the airport International Arrivals gate holding up my sign, when security approached and asked me to leave.

"Why?" I asked. "All these other people are doing the same thing."

"Why? Because none of them has a sign saying '<deleted> off back to your own country'"

A penguin was driving through the desert when his car broke down. He took it to the garage and the mechanic told him to come back in 2 hours.

As he was feeling very hot in the sun the penguin went into a local supermarket and decided to sit in the freezer for a while to cool down and kill some time. As he sat there he caught sight of a big tub of ice cream sat there.

He just couldn't help himself and quickly wolfed the whole lot down.

On his return to the garage the mechanic said "Well, it looks like you've blown a seal"

The penguin licks his beak and says "No, it's just vanilla ice cream!"

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

(Don't care if this is already in here, it never stops being a sh1t joke. Literally)

"No, I work here and my wife is English. I don't want a pingpong show and I'm *not* Russian."

1. 
   
   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

   An Arab and a American go into a pastry shop.

   
   

   The Arab whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.

   
   

   The baker doesn't notice.

   
   

   The Arab says to the American : "You see how clever we are?

   
   

   You Americans can never beat that!"

   
   

   The American says to the Arab: "Watch this. An American is always smarter than a Arab."

   
   

   He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I’ll show you a magic trick!"

   
   

   The baker gives him the cookie which the American promptly eats.

   
   

   Then he says to the baker: "Give me another cookie for my magic trick."

   
   

   The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him.

   
   

   He eats this one too.

   
   

   Then he says again: "Give me one more cookie..."

   
   

   The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.

   
   

   The American eats this one too.

   
   

   Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: "And where is your famous magic trick?"

   
   

   The American says: "Look in his pocket!"

   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   
   
   

Two men are having a drink in a bar. One says:

"You know, I've never really understood what a dilemma is..."

"Let me tell you a story," says the other man,

"Imagine you wake up in a bed with two people next to you.

To your left is an incredibly beautiful woman willing to have sex with you and to your right is a very horny gay man."

"So where's the dilemma?" replies the first man.

"Well..........which one do you turn your back on ???