Kreng Jai

[buadhai]

My GF works as a supervisor in the F&B department of a resort hotel near our home here on Saipan. As it is her schedule sucks, but I can mostly handle that. What I'm having a hard time with is the fact that she is frequently asked to work overtime, or change her schedule at the last moment, or attend some meeting scheduled on the fly. She always agrees to work, even if it means spoiling plans we'd already made. She just can't seem to ever say "no".

For example, on New Year's Eve she was scheduled to work until 11 PM. She got home at 3 AM, but never called to say she'd be late. A few nights later she was scheduled to be off at 5 PM. We planned to meet another couple for dinner at 5. She called at 5:15 to say she had to work until 8. Today, she was supposed to be off at 2 PM. We planned to visit with my Mom who is visiting from the States and will depart tomorrow. She called at 3:15 to say she has to work until 5.

Am I expecting too much to hope for a timely phone call when she's going to be late or for her to decline overtime now and then when we have already made other plans?

[Shola]

My GF works as a supervisor in the F&B department of a resort hotel near our home here on Saipan. As it is her schedule sucks, but I can mostly handle that. What I'm having a hard time with is the fact that she is frequently asked to work overtime, or change her schedule at the last moment, or attend some meeting scheduled on the fly. She always agrees to work, even if it means spoiling plans we'd already made. She just can't seem to ever say "no".

For example, on New Year's Eve she was scheduled to work until 11 PM. She got home at 3 AM, but never called to say she'd be late. A few nights later she was scheduled to be off at 5 PM. We planned to meet another couple for dinner at 5. She called at 5:15 to say she had to work until 8. Today, she was supposed to be off at 2 PM. We planned to visit with my Mom who is visiting from the States and will depart tomorrow. She called at 3:15 to say she has to work until 5.

Am I expecting too much to hope for a timely phone call when she's going to be late or for her to decline overtime now and then when we have already made other plans?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I'm sure she doesn't want to work overtime and cancell your plans but she probably has no choice as she's being 'Kreng jai' towards her boss, to be honest I don't see that that would be something easily changed.

As for a phone call, jeez! how long does it take to pick up the phone and say' Hun I'm gonna be late' she owes you that much at least!

[Jai Dee]

I'm sure she doesn't want to work overtime and cancell your plans but she probably has no choice as she's being 'Kreng jai' towards her boss, to be honest I don't see that that would be something easily changed.

As for a phone call, jeez! how long does it take to pick up the phone and say' Hun I'm gonna be late' she owes you that much at least!

Unfortunately (for you) correct... a "kreng jai" attitude will not be easily changed.

And a simple phone call should be mandatory from your GF, if she respects you. If you talk to her about the "respect" aspect, at least you might be able to make other plans if she has to work late.

[OxfordWill]

Get it sorted with her now or she will think you dont particularly mind this kind of thing. I would approach from the late for meeting with your mother angle, as if you were late for a meeting with her mother she would probably consider it a great offence.

[ProfessorFart]

I'll echo Will here. Thais can be notoriously bad communicators and now when I send an email to a Thai I always put 'I look forward to your reply' or similar after years of unanswered emails, letters etc.

I think you need to set down some ground rules, but you can make it less harsh by using the angle that you get worried when she should be home and you don't hear from her.

[meemiathai]

As for a phone call, jeez! how long does it take to pick up the phone and say' Hun I'm gonna be late' she owes you that much at least!

But perhaps if she calls, her boyfriend would give her a hard time on the phone. So she is rather reluctant to do so. Is that the case, mgnewman?

mgnewman, if your GF truly loves you, I'm sure she is having a very hard time now. I suggest you talk thoroughly with her without losing your temper and let her know how bad you feel about that. See if anything can be changed. But I doubt very much it could be solved.

This is simply exploitation by the employers. This is nothing to do with "kreng jai". She can hardly do anything if she wants to stay or wants good prospect.

It is exactly what is happening here in HK. Too many people too little jobs.

Wish you good luck.

[buadhai]

As for a phone call, jeez! how long does it take to pick up the phone and say' Hun I'm gonna be late' she owes you that much at least!

But perhaps if she calls, her boyfriend would give her a hard time on the phone. So she is rather reluctant to do so. Is that the case, mgnewman?

It's certainly possible. I have over reacted in the past....

mgnewman, if your GF truly loves you, I'm sure she is having a very hard time now.  I suggest you talk thoroughly with her without losing your temper and let her know how bad you feel about that.  See if anything can be changed.  But I doubt very much it could be solved.

I've spoken to her about it frequently and extensively. She feels that I just don't understand her job. When I asked her if she'd ever change, she just shook her head and said "No". In spite of our talks, I don't think she understands how much her behavior in this regard hurts me. However, aside from this one aspect, we have quite a lovely relationship.

This is simply exploitation by the employers.  This is nothing to do with "kreng jai".  She can hardly do anything if she wants to stay or wants good prospect.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Except she's resigning in six weeks and we're both moving to Thailand. I figure she could lighten up a bit but this seems not to be the case.

[Ajarn]

As for a phone call, jeez! how long does it take to pick up the phone and say' Hun I'm gonna be late' she owes you that much at least!

But perhaps if she calls, her boyfriend would give her a hard time on the phone. So she is rather reluctant to do so. Is that the case, mgnewman?

It's certainly possible. I have over reacted in the past....

mgnewman, if your GF truly loves you, I'm sure she is having a very hard time now.  I suggest you talk thoroughly with her without losing your temper and let her know how bad you feel about that.  See if anything can be changed.  But I doubt very much it could be solved.

I've spoken to her about it frequently and extensively. She feels that I just don't understand her job. When I asked her if she'd ever change, she just shook her head and said "No". In spite of our talks, I don't think she understands how much her behavior in this regard hurts me. However, aside from this one aspect, we have quite a lovely relationship.

This is simply exploitation by the employers.  This is nothing to do with "kreng jai".  She can hardly do anything if she wants to stay or wants good prospect.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Except she's resigning in six weeks and we're both moving to Thailand. I figure she could lighten up a bit but this seems not to be the case.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Except she's resigning in six weeks and we're both moving to Thailand. I figure she could lighten up a bit but this seems not to be the case.

Yes, clearly, if somebody gives in a bit, the situation for all would improve...

That somebody would also gain many brownie points with the other "in this lovely relationship"

Do the right thing here. You know what that is. Don't get into a power struggle and get your egos on the line. You love each other. Make a choice that will be a positive for you personally, your wife, and your relationship.

You can collect more on your generiousity later, I'll bet, too.

Good luck, sir.

[buadhai]

Thanks, Ajarn. You're absolutely right; once again demonstrating the appropriateness of your handle. I'll be the one to lighten up....

[wamberal]

I think it is a fairly common Thai trait to avoid bad news, even if in avoiding it, things get worse!

This occasionally happens between my wife and myself, and I have noticed it over many years in living and working in Thailand.

Your girlfriend doesn't want to telephone you with bad news....simple as that.

[Thaiboxer]

I agree with what one poster said regarding employers exploiting their workers...many Thai workers are exploited to the max and are scared stiff of losing their jobs by putting family/social life before certain work committments. Kreng jai can be a difficult phrase to interpret, but in general it just means the feeling of not wanting to burden somebody with a request or something like that. An example of this: My wife and I met a Thai friend of mine at a local mall to catch some Muay Thai fights. Afterward, we invited him to lunch at one of the chain restaraunts inside the mall and despite trying to encourage him to join us, he politely refused and said he needed to get home.

Being a teacher, I know how Thai teachers/staff are made to work like slaves and for A LOT less money than what foreigners make. Many may say it's kreng jai that keeps them for telling their bosses off and taking a vacation but very often I think it's out of fear of losing their jobs.

[buadhai]

I agree about exploitation. It happens all over the world. We happen to be on Saipan now, a US territory that controls its own immigration. Even though it is US soil, US minimum wage laws don't apply and many workers earn only $3.05 an hour. This in a place where the cost of living is at least 25% higher than the urban US. So, most foreign contract workers (like my GF) are scratching out a bare minimum existence. And, since most are not US citizens, they are indeed afraid to make waves and lose their job. (Even though the salary is low by US standards they make a lot more than they would at home in Thailand or the Philippines.)

That said I should note that my GF just called to let me know she'd be a bit late this afternoon.

[Jai Dee]

That said I should note that my GF just called to let me know she'd be a bit late this afternoon.

Hooray!!!

You two have been talking hey?

[buadhai]

You two have been talking hey?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Yes, I think we have a better understanding of what's important to each of us.

[Jai Dee]

You two have been talking hey?

Yes, I think we have a better understanding of what's important to each of us.

Congratulations.

I wish you both the best of luck.

[Ajarn]

You two have been talking hey?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Yes, I think we have a better understanding of what's important to each of us.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Happy Endings are cool