How Do I Reach Out To My Partners Family?

[shikonjewel]

Recently I've been talking with a very good friend of mine who has more experience in Asia than I. When we were in High school, she spent a year on exchange in Taiwan and we talk alot about cultural differences weve noticed/experienced. (Yes, I know, Taiwan and Thailand are not the same place, although often confused by those who don't know the difference. lol)

Anyway, I was talking with her about my bf's parents, because although they both have said after my first trip to Thailand that they liked me and thought I was a good girl. I sometimes wonder, espeacially after reading issues other farang/thai couples have had, if our relationship went any further, how would they react?

One of our good friends, who has also been with her bf nearly as long as I've been with mine (5 years) recently became engaged. So a friend made a comment that it would be my turn next, jokingly, and the friend (Taiwan exchange-student ~ I mentioned above) made an off-hand comment which struck me.

Later on I asked her about it. In talking with my friend, she's pointed out some things to me which made me pretty anxious. She saw her comment disturbed me and said she shouldn't have said anything... but I can't help but feel the same things have been pointed out from time to time on this forum about dealing with cultural differences between asian families and westerners trying to fit in.

I feel like there probably were some mistakes I made on my first short trip. I've always had anxiety over people not liking me, and I'm afraid maybe I screwed up, and they were just saying they liked me after my visit, so to not hurt my boyfriends feelings, but would definately not approve of any relationship status besides bf/gf between us.

Since my trip there, communication between myself and his family (particularly his mom) have been minimal... short phone conversations with language barriers make it tough. Be good to get anoter look at this from a female point of view... my bf isnt really good with this stuff. His advice is not to worry/think too much. (Have we all heard this before? lol)

To the ladies (/men too) who have Thai partners, can you lend me some wisdom and experiences you have had in bonding with your partners parents/ in laws? Was your general acceptance into their family easy or difficult?

If they don't like me now I would like to get maybe a fresh perspective before my next trip. Hahaha

{ & I hope I'm not opening myself up to be stereotyped//flamed (too much) here... . Oh man... }

Edited June 7, 2009 by shikonjewel

[JungleGirl]

Hi Shikonjewel,

Its always a tough one in any culture, dealing with the famdamaly, and in-laws in particular. I live, work, raise my child and run my business in the thick of my partner's Thai family, and it makes for interesting perspectives on life.

From my experience of Thai culture its like anywhere in that how the family respond to you is down to them personally; what beliefs they have as individuals, what particular damage they have from their family history, how they feel instinctively about you.

These things are totally subjective and you can't control them, so maybe your boyfriend is right about not thinking too much on this count. I have found my experience to be that Thai families are very accomodating unless you give them reason not to be, the same as any family they just want what's best for everyone; many thai families are delighted to welcome a farang on board, perhaps cynically recognising that it might improve their opportunities in life, but also just for the enjoyment of poking fun at, and exploring someone different and interesting to themselves.

However, there are things that you should always be aware of when dealing with Thai families, the cultural norms of respect are very important here, but i'm sure you know that after so much time with your bf, and i'm sure those have been gone into in detail on other posts here. Basically be nice, be yourself, be respectful, be kind, and those things will come back to you as they would in any situation.

For more info on living with a thai family, and all the nuances of life in a small thai village, check out my blog my-jungle-life dot blogspot dot com.

All the best

PS Before getting excited about walking down the aisle, I would suggest moving to Thailand for a considerable period of time - It's much harder to sustain a relationship long term with a Thai man than it is to find one eager to marry you! And living here is a very different kettle of fish to visiting.

[sbk]

Well, after twenty years of marriage, I assumed I knew how my MIL felt about me (ok, but not great) and was ok with that. However, when I left for the US this year she cried when I left, she is worried about me (I lost weight and she thought I was either sick or depressed ) and, as I said, actually cried when I left. I was completely and utterly flabbergasted.

So, probably, if she acts like she likes you well enough, its better to leave it at that. As I learned, my assumptions about what other people think based on my own beliefs can turn out completely wrong.

[Boo]

Ok I am probably gonna get the whole "you have to be more respectful of your thai inlaws" comments but tbh, unless you plan to spend extended periods of time with them then what they think of you is really not that important in the grand scheme of things. As long as you can maintain a level of civility when you see each other & are able to accept they may have reservations about you then it should only really matter how you & your bf feel about each other.

So if they say they like you then take that at face value & try not to create an issue where there is none. Deal with any future issues as & when they arise & I wouldn't take the words of someone who spent a year in a completely different country & culture as any indication of what a thai family would do either. Has this person even been to Thailand?

[bina]

dont think too much.

speak the language. its much easier to cross any shyness/standoffishness/gossip problems if u can 'sit and blabber with us all about anything...' (to quote in laws cousins and general village people after my last visit this past month).

really. in laws are the same anywhere. been there. done that. same same. either u get along, or u have to pretend to get along or grit your teeth and bear it. or dont speak to them.

i discovered a brother in law that i absolutely detest. so i do like his other sister in law. when he shows up, we are suddenly busy with other things. when people that i like show up, i hang out.

also, and very important: u will, if u live with or near them, have to have decided before hand as to what behaviors u will tolerate, and what behaviors you will interfere with, and how much interfering u will tolerate. remember, it goes both ways. pretty much the same as with any in laws.

u should really not 'want' them to like u. u should have enough of a circle of family/friends even if they are overseas or whatever, so that u feel comfortable and confident about yourself. that way, they may not love and cuddle u but as sbk says, they do learn to, for the most part, accept u and may even miss u when u go )

OTH, if they are totally against you in an active way, now is the time to think about what u and your partner will do about that , like not live near them, etc. especially since, i am assuming, u are of child bearing years and children bring out the best and worst in extended families.

also, thai are not 'warm and fuzzy' with emotions. they show their caring in less obvious ways, like mother in law making something special for when i left the previous time. (or father in law bringing me some meat from his hunt, which he saved for me to taste since he is really non communicative verbally).

or sis in laws taking me with them to shopping (not for my money, for the fun) at the market. one of the sisters works in the fields, and she came in one day, i was the first to reach her with a cold bowl of water (the big silver kinds). bringing water to someone, at least in issaan, is still a way of showing caring, its pretty much the same as when men sit in a circle giving each other the glass of whiskey to drink, its a bit more 'ceremonial'. (if u watch old thai luuk tuung karoake clips and movies u will see this often, giving a bowl of water to someone coming in from work, or if they are angry or upset, its not just handing the water over, even if its in a glass, its given a bit more with a sort of two handed presentation and just noticeable bow-- anyone in issaan ever notice ? the same way gifts are traditionally handed over, or water is presented to an elder at a ceramony. but i digress....) ANYWAY, what i meant was that it was a way of showing that i care and two days later, at a mini party, i in turn received numerous cups of beer (argh!) from them, presented the same. we all got slightly drunk.

one more important point, to a majority of thai families, there is no such thing as JUST BF/GF. that u are together means marriage or they would have pressured him a while ago to get away from u.

mountains and molehills.

bina

israel

[Goinghomesoon]

Hehe, Bina and I had a good time when she was here recently, talking about what makes our in-laws tick and how we interact with them

To a certain extent I'm with Boo. I don't interact regularly with my in-laws as we only visit a few times a year. However...if I was going to live with them I would definately make more of an effort. Not being close doesn't mean you don't respect them.

Shikon if your BF's parents are traditional older ties they may value a formality and old-fashioned respect more than any sort of friendship that you might aim for.

[mssabai]

In case people haven't read Shikon jewels earlier posts, her and her bf met in America where her bf studies. They have had a trip over here together to meet his family but there's is not the typical 'girl goes travelling meets man' kinda story that we all know and love : )

Jewel, I presume your bf is from an upper middle class background (which allows him to study in the states). Although my bf is not froma similar background - I teach in a fairly wealthy school, and my last school was of a similar status so I have a bit of an insight into the expectations of parents of this kind of background. I would say primarily that what his parents want most for him is to excel academically and to get himself into a good career. Marriage, or marrying to their expectations, would come second to this. Potentially, if there really genuinely is some kind of resentment on their side towards you, the most likely cause would be a fear that you are going to keep him from reaching his potential.

However reading your post, I feel that the issue may well be more on your side than theirs. Do you think perhaps you may have very high expectations in how well you should get on with your in laws? Did you maybe have a very good relationship with an exes parents, and expect to duplicate that relationship? I haven't ever had that. My exes mum was shall we say a bit of a nightmare. I know she liked me, but she was emotionally very draining and I think I purposely kept my distance. I also resented her slightly for the drains that she put on the family. My current m-i-l and I have a fine relationship. I live with her, we can chat a bit in Thai as my Thai is good enough now, but beyond polite chit chat and household stuff, we don't have any special kind of relationship. There is nothing about her that makes me see her as any kind of substitute mother, and we don't really have anything in common. When I don't live there I have no reason to talk to her on the phone apart from to say hi through Mr Sabai or whatever. Mr Sabai's sister on the other hand, I get on really well with. We both like shopping and cosmetics! I don't know if that sounds a bit cold, but I have never understood this expectation that girls should have exceptionally close relationships with bf's mums. Polite, cordial and relaxed works best for me.

If your bf insists there isn't an issue, I would be inclined to believe him. I don't see why you would be expecting any more contact from your bfs family. Thai's don't tend to send cards or letters much and they will be getting information about you from your bf (believe me, they will be asking about you). They probably feel quite shy to speak over the phone with you and if you feel like they avoid doing that, then that is probably why. I think you should just relax.

Asia is a very large continent and what may be one girls opinions on relationship expectations in Taiwan is in no way going to be a given in Thailand. What really happened on the trip that makes you think you screwed up? You sound like you have made every effort to get to grips with a culture that is pretty alien to you, and I honestly cannot see what you could have done to make them dislike you (unless you were drunk and chain smoking for your entire stay!). Thai's are pretty relaxed culturally in accepting other races both into their country and into their families. There are rules to be learnt, and customs to be respected, but as long as you make a valiant effort to show you are trying, even slip ups will be mildly admonished and probably laughed at.

Relax, believe your bf and just focus on the real things in your relationship. If the parents become an issue in the future, then so be it, but it sounds like right now everything is fine....sabai sabai

[Boo]

unless you were drunk and chain smoking for your entire stay!).

And yet my mil stil llikes me (joke)

[sbk]

If your bf insists there isn't an issue, I would be inclined to believe him. I don't see why you would be expecting any more contact from your bfs family. Thai's don't tend to send cards or letters much and they will be getting information about you from your bf (believe me, they will be asking about you). They probably feel quite shy to speak over the phone with you and if you feel like they avoid doing that, then that is probably why. I think you should just relax.

This is so true. I am in the US visiting family and Mr sbk and I talk on the phone once a week.

He isn't much of a phone person so the conversations never last longer than 15 minutes either.

I wouldn't read too much into a lack of communication. (and I don't )

[richard_smith237]

I have a similar feeling but I’m male and my Girlfriend is Thai. My girlfriend and I will marry soon. I’m sure her parents would have much preferred she is with a wonderful Thai man who understands the cultural idiosyncrasies, who can communicate clearly and whom is of an easily identifiable status to all observing.

But… don’t think too much…..

It’s the best piece of advice I have read so far. I want my girlfriends parents to think I’m wonderful, funny, respectful, polite and someone they want to invite around. But that level of family closeness only seems to occur in the west.

In Thailand there is still the ‘Alpha Male of the family’ and MIL - DIL (Daughter in Law) issue and all the posturing that comes with that.

I think…. People see what they want to see. If they don’t want to like you, they will find a way not to like you. If they want to like you, it will be easy for them to put you on a pedestal.

IF they didn’t like you, I’m sure you would have observed some pretty strong identifiers by now, especially after 5 years.

Don’t sweat it, don’t think too much, hold your head high and enjoy yourself.

[KhaoNiaw]

Another male perspective from a few years of observation:

Especially when you're still the girlfriend, don't try to make them like you, just be yourself - if they think you're a 'good girl', that's probably as good as it gets. If you're not yet committed to marriage, they are unlikely to commit themselves to you any further.

Once they are assured that you are genuine daughter-in-law material, the most important thing will be that you are a good wife for their son (and then a good mother for their grandchildren).

As other posters have already pointed out, it's not such a big thing if you don't have much in common with your in-laws and don't strike up a deep relationship. If they see you as a good wife, it doesn't really matter if they 'like' you or not because they will be happy enough with you.

[shikonjewel]

Thanks guys for the advice and sorry for the late reply. I appreciate it! Things have been busy and I havent cruised to Thai visa in a couple weeks.

I decided not to let my friend (aka wannabe asia expert ~as my bf called her) put worries in my head that don't need to be there... if or when anything comes up next time we go to Thailand, then I'll worry about it. No stress. I think she just wanted me to be alert to the culture shock/difficulties she had (in Taiwan) and to be aware.

His mom has been calling alot lately and I try to strike up a bit of conversation with her when I can. She always says she was thinking of me and hopes all is good/ talks about the weather. After all, if she didn't like me I suppose she wouldn't bother to try to talk to me hahaha.

Thanks again for all the advice and next time I'll be sure to take the time to reply back sooner!

[Datsun240Z]

Also as a Dutch men, with a Thai GF.

I understand in Thai families it's the way it goes like described above. I can't change that. I give them respect.

The only thing I do not understand is that I really have to do everything, but there is nothing from their side, this makes me give no respect actually. But if I say that, I may loose my GF.

Communications are going bad know, since there was a " Cultural " fight here with my Mom and my Thai GF in The Netherlands, in their home, I can tell you not pretty for me at all. But I also can not shout at my mom now. I had no problem, but my parents never experienced any Thai contact, you can see what happens...

Alot of your story ( mostly the last part ) shikonjewel sounds the same as mine

Edited June 30, 2009 by Datsun240Z

[scorecard]

Lots of good comments and advice.

Can I just emphasize one point - language.

I've found that being able to keep up a good conversation is a big big plus.

With my 'in-laws' and the extended family I try real hard to start up conversations, ask for their comments (but I stay away from politics), even simple things like "how many hours from wherever to wherever on a VIP bus" or whatever fits into the going conversation, and I often (genuinly) ask they to correct my Thai language sentence, etc.

[lioness]

Just be yourself and don't push for instant acceptance, they don't know you fully at this stage.

My husband has 3 children from his former marriage, I think initially I was just a Farang attached to their father, the oldest girl made an immediate effort to get to know me, with the other 2 it took 4 years to be fully accepted.I couldn't love those kids anymore if they were my own. Incidentially his ex wife who he wouldn't talk to is now my best friend and his attitude has mellowed towards her.

Funny how people think though, after 6 months of being together him & I went to Australia for a holiday, his oldest daugther was crying when we left, I said we will only be gone a month, that wasn;t what she was worrying about her concern was that I would sell him.

[sbk]

Sell him? Really? wow, that is great. My inlaws were worried my husband wouldn't come back, but not that I would sell him.

Of course, if I had sold him, my MIL would have wanted a cut. She is a shrewd bargainer

[scorecard]

Sorry, this is a bit of a tangent, but you would probably be shocked at how many Thai children are either sold or simply given to other people, and not just as babies.

There is one woman in my extended family who deliberately has sex at the right time of the month with the next man she's targeted, deliberate attempt to get pregnant and to 'trap him'!

The unfortunate part is that by the time she's three months pregnant the man has realized shes a total scatterbrain, changes her major decisions on everything in life every five minutes, makes very silly decisions about money abd priorities.

She gave the second baby to a couple she had met earlier the same day. Doesn't know their names or address etc., and even more unfortunate is the the new 'parents' don't have a birth certifocate etc. School?????

[Datsun240Z]

Sorry, this is a bit of a tangent, but you would probably be shocked at how many Thai children are either sold or simply given to other people, and not just as babies.

There is one woman in my extended family who deliberately has sex at the right time of the month with the next man she's targeted, deliberate attempt to get pregnant and to 'trap him'!

The unfortunate part is that by the time she's three months pregnant the man has realized shes a total scatterbrain, changes her major decisions on everything in life every five minutes, makes very silly decisions about money abd priorities.

She gave the second baby to a couple she had met earlier the same day. Doesn't know their names or address etc., and even more unfortunate is the the new 'parents' don't have a birth certifocate etc. School?????

[shikonjewel]

Sorry, this is a bit of a tangent, but you would probably be shocked at how many Thai children are either sold or simply given to other people, and not just as babies.

There is one woman in my extended family who deliberately has sex at the right time of the month with the next man she's targeted, deliberate attempt to get pregnant and to 'trap him'!

The unfortunate part is that by the time she's three months pregnant the man has realized shes a total scatterbrain, changes her major decisions on everything in life every five minutes, makes very silly decisions about money abd priorities.

She gave the second baby to a couple she had met earlier the same day. Doesn't know their names or address etc., and even more unfortunate is the the new 'parents' don't have a birth certifocate etc. School?????

I second that.. !

[BigSnake]

Open Hand full of Baht

[shikonjewel]

Alot of your story ( mostly the last part ) shikonjewel sounds the same as mine

Are you referring to the lack of communication/language? If so the rest of this post may help. (Maybe ? lol)

Lots of good comments and advice.

Can I just emphasize one point - language.

I've found that being able to keep up a good conversation is a big big plus.

The problem I have is I feel like its harder for me to pick up thai... in our house/enviroment where we just use english. My bf says he even forgets how to properly explain himself/ remember words in Thai at times now. hahaha Its hard to get him to take extra time to explain to me the occasional phrase too.

I've been listening to free Thai tutoring vids on youtube and watching the occasion thai lakorn (starting to favor Golf and Mike, much to my bf's dismay lol) to pick out words I might know. (Hey, it helped to watch french tv when I was studying!) It's a start I guess. Little embarassed to use any of it over the phone yet.

I'm planning to send some new pictures of us in Canada so they can see a little of what his/our life here is like.

[Datsun240Z]

Yes mainly communication and misunderstanding or not willing to understand cultural differences.

[DaleBlue]

If your bf insists there isn't an issue, I would be inclined to believe him. I don't see why you would be expecting any more contact from your bfs family. Thai's don't tend to send cards or letters much and they will be getting information about you from your bf (believe me, they will be asking about you). They probably feel quite shy to speak over the phone with you and if you feel like they avoid doing that, then that is probably why. I think you should just relax.

This is so true. I am in the US visiting family and Mr sbk and I talk on the phone once a week.

He isn't much of a phone person so the conversations never last longer than 15 minutes either.

I wouldn't read too much into a lack of communication. (and I don't )

You are right. My Thai bf don't like to talk over the phone too. He rather we get together.

[glegolo]

To the ladies (/men too) who have Thai partners, can you lend me some wisdom and experiences you have had in bonding with your partners parents/ in laws? Was your general acceptance into their family easy or difficult?

shikonjewel'

Nice to read about your attempts in your life. It is very difficult to advise someone else... But in my mind you must play it very delicat, Dont think too much!!!! You just start to doubt yourself. You know, the old say "if you dont like yourself and what you do, nobody else will"

I am having a thai GF and to me it works out just fine. I do not have too much expectations with my relationship with the mother in law. I usually let them talk, their english is next to nothing, but I have understood something important and that is that talk is not gonne do it for you. But actions are... i live my life with my family (me and my girlfriend and her sisters 2 children that we take care of) and if I can help in any way the elders there on her side, I usually do it... But like you said, we cannot talk too much sadly....

I think that if you just relax and not PUSH it too much, you girls have a tendancy to do that sometimes. I think that you will be fine.

glegolo

[sbk]

I think that if you just relax and not PUSH it too much, you girls have a tendancy to do that sometimes. I think that you will be fine.

glegolo

And the Understatement Award of the Year goes to....

[Lopburi99]

When I met my wife she was a widow. Her mother cared only that I was sincere and would take care of her daughter. No problems to speak of with her mother, except that she is constantly phoning and tends to worry about everything. Father is deceased.

My wife's daughter (24) has been very accepting of me. She also just wants somebody for her mother to love and to take care of each other. Fortunately she has not been trying to get money from me.

My problem has been with the son (26). He controls his mother and has been a problem in our relationship. He is most interested (I am sure) in personally benefiting from my insertion into the family. He has secretly dipped into my money, and is always feigning car problems so he can use my new car. He is a continuing problem.

Since the beginning I have told my wife I will take care of her only, nobody else in the family. The reason for this is mostly due to my very modest financial situation but also because I don't want to defer funds which could be beneficial to my wife and myself to somebody who is probably just trying to get into my wallet anyway. Another reason is because my first Thai wife took me to the cleaners financially and I am determined to never let that happen again.

Be careful about the kids! After returning to Thailand in a few weeks (been in the states for my annual visit to see my daughter) I will be laying down the law again re the son, due to another series of events while I have been away. I am fed up with him. Maybe some stormy days ahead. So be it.

Edited July 8, 2009 by Lopburi99

[slaninaj]

To the ladies (/men too) who have Thai partners, can you lend me some wisdom and experiences you have had in bonding with your partners parents/ in laws? Was your general acceptance into their family easy or difficult?

I think it is about showing respect for there cultural. I can not speak Thai at all. I get alone great with my wife family. I am as close to her family as I am to mine. My wife is very close to my family always chatting to my mom and sisters daily. in fact Nan know more what is happening in my family then I do. My mother in-law always cry when I leave. She tries to hide it by joking around.