What To Do With My Wife's Daughter

[legendarysurfer]

SITUATION:

I need to reunite my wife (age 33) with her daughter.

I have been planning to bring my wife's daughter to live with us in the United States. She is 13 and has been in the care of her grandparents in the Issan for most all her life. She does not want to live in the US... I am rethinking that maybe it would be better to keep the daughter in the Issan and send the mother to look after her there. I love my wife and would miss being apart, but there are several advantages to this rethinking: financial, cultural and energy. It would be less expensive to take care of them in Thailand. The daughter would not have the cultural hurdles of being a teenager in the US and not speaking English. In the long run, my wife might be happier back home than she is, here. I'm 56. The second plan might be easier for me than the first.

QUESTION:

Keep the daughter in the Issan and send my wife back there or bring the daughter to the USA?

Edited February 14, 2005 by legendarysurfer

[LaoPo]

SITUATION:

I need to reunite my wife (age 33) with her daughter.

I have been planning to bring my wife's daughter to live with us in the United States.

She is 13 and has been in the care of her grandparents in the Issan for most all her life.

She does not want to live in the US.

I am rethinking that maybe it would be better to keep the daughter in the Issan and send the mother to look after her there.

I love my wife, but there are several advantages to this rethinking: financial, cultural and energy.

It would be less expensive to take care of them in Thailand.

The daughter would not have the cultural hurdles of being a teenager in the US and not speaking English.

In the long run, my wife might be happier back home than she is, here.

I'm 56. I might do better if I am not daily caring for both my wife and her/our daughter.

QUESTION:

Keep the daughter in the Issan and send my wife back there or bring the daughter to the USA? 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Difficult situation you are sketching and in my opinion you have 3 options, all not very promising:

1. If you send your wife back to TH, what happens with you...coming also?

2. Let the situation as it is...the daughter stays in Issan and your wife with you (and what education will the daughter ever have...?)

3. Send your step-daughter to a good University in TH where she learns English also, and let her dedice in a few years where she wants to live. (maybe in the future, when she speaks better English she wants to come to the US)

good luck

LaoPo

[legendarysurfer]

SITUATION:

I need to reunite my wife (age 33) with her daughter.

I have been planning to bring my wife's daughter to live with us in the United States.

She is 13 and has been in the care of her grandparents in the Issan for most all her life.

She does not want to live in the US.

I am rethinking that maybe it would be better to keep the daughter in the Issan and send the mother to look after her there.

I love my wife, but there are several advantages to this rethinking: financial, cultural and energy.

It would be less expensive to take care of them in Thailand.

The daughter would not have the cultural hurdles of being a teenager in the US and not speaking English.

In the long run, my wife might be happier back home than she is, here.

I'm 56. I might do better if I am not daily caring for both my wife and her/our daughter.

QUESTION:

Keep the daughter in the Issan and send my wife back there or bring the daughter to the USA? 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Difficult situation you are sketching and in my opinion you have 3 options, all not very promising:

1. If you send your wife back to TH, what happens with you...coming also?

2. Let the situation as it is...the daughter stays in Issan and your wife with you (and what education will the daughter ever have...?)

3. Send your step-daughter to a good University in TH where she learns English also, and let her dedice in a few years where she wants to live. (maybe in the future, when she speaks better English she wants to come to the US)

good luck

LaoPo

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

LaoPo ~ Thank you for the thoughtful reply. About the questions you raise: #1 - I plan to retire with my wife, probably in her village (at least until her parents pass on), but I won't be set-up to do that for another 10 years. #2 - Wherever the daughter is, her education is a priority. #3 - My wife is concerned that if she stays in Thailand, she will get a boyfriend and/or get into trouble... Further thoughts, given that?

[mandl]

I went through a very similar situation in the early '80's. Step daughter in Isaan, 13 years old. For me there was never any doubt. It was just a matter of timing (financially) and we brought her to live with us. There was never any question (for us) of whether or not to bring her over. One difference with us though - my wife and I are within a year of the same age. The daughter did have a difficult time adjusting, but has matured well, I think.

I legally adopted her and she lived with us in the Philippines, the US, and Europe. 20 years later, she is married with a son, is a very successful hairdresser and seldom goes back to LOS for a visit. She is very much "Americanized".

That's my personal story. I like to think it was the right move for my daughter but it's different for each person. At your age, perhaps a 13-year old daughter doesn't fit your life style.

IMO, it's not so much what the child thinks is best - it's the parents responsibility to make the tough choices for them. Hope this helps. Good luck!

[legendarysurfer]

I went through a very similar situation in the early '80's. Step daughter in Isaan, 13 years old. For me there was never any doubt. It was just a matter of timing (financially) and we brought her to live with us. There was never any question (for us) of whether or not to bring her over. One difference with us though - my wife and I are within a year of the same age. The daughter did have a difficult time adjusting, but has matured well, I think.

I legally adopted her and she lived with us in the Philippines, the US, and Europe. 20 years later, she is married with a son, is a very successful hairdresser and seldom goes back to LOS for a visit. She is very much "Americanized".

That's my personal story. I like to think it was the right move for my daughter but it's different for each person. At your age, perhaps a 13-year old daughter doesn't fit your life style.

IMO, it's not so much what the child thinks is best - it's the parents responsibility to make the tough choices for them. Hope this helps. Good luck!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thanks, mandl ~ It's good to know that a 13-year-old can make the transition successfully. My wife definitely wants to bring her over. I have so far supported that thinking. To be honest, though, five years into it, my wife hasn't made what I would consider to be a good transition. How did your wife do, if I might ask? How do you think your wife's transition affected your daughter's?

[LaoPo]

SITUATION:

I need to reunite my wife (age 33) with her daughter.

I have been planning to bring my wife's daughter to live with us in the United States.

She is 13 and has been in the care of her grandparents in the Issan for most all her life.

She does not want to live in the US.

I am rethinking that maybe it would be better to keep the daughter in the Issan and send the mother to look after her there.

I love my wife, but there are several advantages to this rethinking: financial, cultural and energy.

It would be less expensive to take care of them in Thailand.

The daughter would not have the cultural hurdles of being a teenager in the US and not speaking English.

In the long run, my wife might be happier back home than she is, here.

I'm 56. I might do better if I am not daily caring for both my wife and her/our daughter.

QUESTION:

Keep the daughter in the Issan and send my wife back there or bring the daughter to the USA? 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Difficult situation you are sketching and in my opinion you have 3 options, all not very promising:

1. If you send your wife back to TH, what happens with you...coming also?

2. Let the situation as it is...the daughter stays in Issan and your wife with you (and what education will the daughter ever have...?)

3. Send your step-daughter to a good University in TH where she learns English also, and let her dedice in a few years where she wants to live. (maybe in the future, when she speaks better English she wants to come to the US)

good luck

LaoPo

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

LaoPo ~ Thank you for the thoughtful reply. About the questions you raise: #1 - I plan to retire with my wife, probably in her village (at least until her parents pass on), but I won't be set-up to do that for another 10 years. #2 - Wherever the daughter is, her education is a priority. #3 - My wife is concerned that if she stays in Thailand, she will get a boyfriend and/or get into trouble... Further thoughts, given that?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I feel you have given the answer yourselves(you and your wife)...

1. not an option for another 10 years.

2. VERY right!

3. your wife is right (maybe she (daughter) is already 'involved', since she doesn't want to come to the USA...did you think of that?)

4. solution....difficult, but best option is to stay with you/wife in the US where she can have the best education (and control).

Maybe you can invite her to come over for 'just' 2 months or so and arrange English teaching for her...and introduce her to some nice friends-her-age who really would care for her.

good luck

LaoPo

Edited February 14, 2005 by LaoPo

[buadhai]

What to do about kids in these situations is always problematic. My GF has been living here (Saipan and Tinian) for the last 7 years while her now 10 YO daughter has stayed in Korat, living with the grandparents.

Now that I'm retiring we had a choice of moving to the States or Korat or some place else in Thailand. We opted for Korat so the child can continue at the same school and continue her close relationship with her grandparents.

I based that decision mainly on my feeling that change is hard for kids that age and on through the teenage years.

Only time will tell if that was the correct decision.

It's a tough one. Good luck.

[legendarysurfer]

LaoPo and mgnewman ~ Thank you for the feedback... mgnewman's situation relative to his GF's daughter is very similar to mine. He's got the advantage of soon being able to retire in Korat (in April, correct?). I have a ways to go... Yes, LaoPo, it's very possible my wife's daughter is also interested in a boy. Within a year, she went from wanting to come to the USA to not wanting to come. She refuses to talk with her mother on the telephone. Going on four months, now.

[buadhai]

I missed the part about there being tension between your wife and her daughter. That changes things a bit. You really need to know more about the root causes of this. If the child is in an unhealthy situation, then she clearly needs a change of location.

If, on the other hand, the tension is merely the result of the prospect of having to move, then maybe leaving her be is the best short term solution.

Forcing what seems like an arbitrary move to the child will just breed resentment and you'll have an unhappy rebel on your hands.

13 is an awful age for a kid. Nothing adults do seems reasonable to them. I think it's best to let them be until they become mature enough to make balanced decisions. That said, you need always make sure an adult is available, attentive and in control without being draconian.

It's tough.

[legendarysurfer]

I missed the part about there being tension between your wife and her daughter. That changes things a bit. You really need to know more about the root causes of this. If the child is in an unhealthy situation, then she clearly needs a change of location.

If, on the other hand, the tension is merely the result of the prospect of having to move, then maybe leaving her be is the best short term solution.

Forcing what seems like an arbitrary move to the child will just breed resentment and you'll have an unhappy rebel on your hands.

13 is an awful age for a kid. Nothing adults do seems reasonable to them. I think it's best to let them be until they become mature enough to make balanced decisions. That said, you need always make sure an adult is available, attentive and in control without being draconian.

It's tough.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

There's always more to a story like this, to be sure... No tension between the mother and daughter. The daughter leads a good kid's life in the Issan. My wife's mother thinks she's not talking to her mother because she doesn't want to come to the USA and this is the only way she can demonstrate that. I believe this is correct... The daughter has grown up very free and uncontrolled. A promising sign is that she attends to her studies and does well in school... If we left her be, my wife would need to go back so that she would have some direction, guidance and be healthily controlled.

[SoCal]

I think Mandl has it right in saying that it is the parents responsibility to decide what is right for the child.

That said, I have no clue, but your wife may be happier in the US if she is with her daughter.

Also, comming to the US may help her/your daughter in countless ways, or be a complete disaster, but a child needs parent(s), and if you think of it that includes you.

[devildog683]

I am in the same situation, except both my wife (22) and her son (4) are still in Isaan. She is getting her immigrant visa interview sometime in July-Aug and shes not sure about bringing her son over. Its a bad time for him, he speaks no english, even though hers is extremely good. This would be hard on him trying to go to school in the states. Also she is more of a sister figure to him, she was sold into a forced marriage at 17 and gave birth a year later. She took advantage of the fact that when she was in the hospital the father didnt even bother to show up and ran away then and there to stay with her uncle (2-star general in Thai Army) in Lop Buri. Ultimately it is up to her as to what she wants to do. We've decided to leave him there with his grandparents and get him in a school where they teach english. Once he is somewhat fluent we will bring him over if thats what she wants.

To make a long story short, I would leave the decision up to her. She probably knows the situation alot better.

[Mr Red]

Maybe you can invite her to come over for 'just' 2 months or so and arrange English teaching for her...and introduce her to some nice friends-her-age who really would care for her.

good luck

LoaPo has a good suggestion IMHO. Why not ask your stepdaughter to come to the US with a firm agreement that if it does not work out within some timeframe (say 6-12 months) she can return to Thailand with her mother. This puts the onus on the daughter and mother to make it work or not, obviously with your caring and thoughtful guidance.

Of course, if she is anything like most young teenagers, they do not care whose feelings or finances they devastate.

Good luck my friend!

[KhunPadThai]

I don't know anything about raising kids, but I do have a couple of suggestions to offer. First, fluency in English seems to enhance job prospects substantially in Thailand, although this may not be very true in Issan. If you could get her over here for just a few years it might have a large positive effect. The second point is that timespans are longer when you are a kid. You might think about asking her to come over with the promise that she can go back for three months of summer vacation. That way it would not seem so permanent to the girl.

Anyway it is a lot of responsibility to make such decisions so I wish you good luck.

Khun Pad Thai

[buadhai]

Of course, if she is anything like most young teenagers, they do not care whose feelings or finances they devastate.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

No kidding. Where does this come from? Is there some sort of evolutionary advantage to this behavior?

[bina]

i have a girlfriend who married an israeli and moved here; she gave birth to a daughter and went back to thailand; she returned and the child stayed there w/grandma and then my friend broought her here at age 10.... the girl never managed to fit into the school system here even though she lived in an ethnicaly mixed area (rare in israel outside of tel aviv) and the school had many children of immigrants /esl classes etc..... at the age of 13 her mother sent her back to stay w/aunt in bangkok.... the girl has since blossomed and studying...

the main problem was the very large difference in cultures at same age, looks (in israel asia means labourer not citizen although lots of filipino mix kids in tel aviv schools) and suddenly having a mother raising her differently than the way the grandmother had raised her....kids dont need parents, they need 'caretaker ' figures that they are used to their whole lives, inliving situations that are more or less steady.... she cant be a companion for your wife as she will eventually find her own friends and develop the ways of where u are living and your wife may not like that also....

13 is a really really bad age for girls.... that is when they dont speak w/mothers, etc etc... not talking on the phone is probably her only way of showing that she doesnt want to move, since she cant scream yell and carry on everyday since her mother isnt there to see that....

it is a difficult age to mix/match w/peer groups in new society although obviously thousands of kids do this every year...

we ahd tons of russian and ethiopian kids at that age come into school system... 10 ys old is easier than 13 and 4 yrs old is really simple (my nephew has changed countries three times, three languages, since his mother died, father remarried and he is a happy outgoing kid);

suddenly having a father and mother creating limitations etc could be really difficult for her.... as for boys etc... arent there 13 yr old boys in the states or england and dont kids start younger now???

every pro has its con and a lot is dependant on the individual personality of the child and parent and step parent etc.....either way, nothing ever works out as you expect it to.... why dont you ask the girl herself (if she is the mature type) what she thinks, etc..... and try reverse .... come out to you on vacation, see the area, kids, etc... then see if she wants to go back to 'home' or try with u.... i think if it was my daughter thats what i would try, convincing is easier than forcing a decision.at that age....

[tutsiwarrior]

the wife and I are facing a similar problem with her soon to be 12 year old daughter presently staying with the grandmother in Suphanburi. My wife hasn't said much about the situation and I believe that is because where the daughter presently resides she enjoys the advantages of the extended family and being well known in the community. It would be hard for her to adjust to a different environment.

I have suggested to the wife that when the daughter finishes her basic course of public thai school study that she come to live with us where there may be an English speaking school for her to attend for a year or two so that she could learn the language. This I believe would give her an advantage that she would not otherwise have as an adult. The wife agrees and we'll see how things transpire when she finishes school in 3 years. After two years of her studying abroad I'll be just about ready to retire back at the ranch and the daughter would have language skills that could land her a decent job somewhere in LOS. A good investment as I don't anticipate having much of an income in retirement...so we won't starve...

[gburns57au]

I would suggest a holiday first....she is probably scared that she wont fit in with kids her own age and feels secure with her friendship group that she has, maybe there is a boy in the mix too.

My friend brought his 14yo stepson to Oz....couldnt speak a word of English....but he learnt. it is hard for kids of that age to move permanantly to a country where even the language is different....Show her the advantages of the move...find out if the other Thai kids have any clubs or activities she can join...so that they can show her that she need not worry too much.

If this fails, accept it and let it go.....by the time you are ready to retire she will be a woman in charge of her own life.

[chuchok]

While I think that having an extended family is great.(Christ, I have one!) I do have strong views as to what should happen to children though.

IMHO, the only place a child should be in this situation is with her mother.The easy option is to have her stay with granny.Kids normally adapt quickly.

Some of the best people that I have met are the ones who have lived in both worlds. I believe that no particular way is correct,but that by having lived on both sides can certainly give you a more balanced view on the world.

[srisatch]

While I think that having an extended family is great.(Christ, I have one!) I do have strong views as to what should happen to children though.

IMHO, the only place a child should be in this situation is with her mother.The easy option is to have her stay with granny.Kids normally adapt quickly.

Some of the best people that I have met are the ones who have lived in both worlds. I believe that no particular way is correct,but that by having lived on both sides can certainly give you a more balanced view on the world.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I latched onto this last post as, I think, it probably comes closest to 'telling' you!

I don't understand why the child does not want to come to be with you both? Angry with Mum? Angry with you? Of course you CAN have, can you?, a 'good life' in Issan..but most teenagers I know would jump at the chance to get to the US or anywhere..why not her?..I think you are right to be 'worried' about Thai boys...she will turn to one sweet mouth quickly if she does not have you..and then you will have a grand child to worry about, too.

I would just get her to be with you and face it out...sounds like she will fight you all the way if she is that angry/abandoned....At the end what is worse?...she runs off in the US or she runs off in Issan?

Somewhere, deep down , I disagree 100% with this Thai thing of grannies bring up their grandchildren..maybe just an irrational gut feeling...OK if mum is there..but child in LOS you in US..No No!!

[gburns57au]

While I think that having an extended family is great.(Christ, I have one!) I do have strong views as to what should happen to children though.

IMHO, the only place a child should be in this situation is with her mother.The easy option is to have her stay with granny.Kids normally adapt quickly.

Some of the best people that I have met are the ones who have lived in both worlds. I believe that no particular way is correct,but that by having lived on both sides can certainly give you a more balanced view on the world.

I latched onto this last post as, I think, it probably comes closest to 'telling' you!

I don't understand why the child does not want to come to be with you both? Angry with Mum? Angry with you? Of course you CAN have, can you?, a 'good life' in Issan..but most teenagers I know would jump at the chance to get to the US or anywhere..why not her?..I think you are right to be 'worried' about Thai boys...she will turn to one sweet mouth quickly if she does not have you..and then you will have a grand child to worry about, too.

I would just get her to be with you and face it out...sounds like she will fight you all the way if she is that angry/abandoned....At the end what is worse?...she runs off in the US or she runs off in Issan?

Somewhere, deep down , I disagree 100% with this Thai thing of grannies bring up their grandchildren..maybe just an irrational gut feeling...OK if mum is there..but child in LOS you in US..No No!!

Forcing a kid to live where she doesnt want to will only spell trouble.....something was said earlier about the child being brought up free and uncontolled...maybe this is why she doesnt want to go....she knows that she will lose the freedom and will live in a controlled lifestyle...

on the other hand....not everyone wants to live in the good old US of A......shocking but true...

[mandl]

I went through a very similar situation in the early '80's. Step daughter in Isaan, 13 years old. For me there was never any doubt. It was just a matter of timing (financially) and we brought her to live with us. There was never any question (for us) of whether or not to bring her over. One difference with us though - my wife and I are within a year of the same age. The daughter did have a difficult time adjusting, but has matured well, I think.

I legally adopted her and she lived with us in the Philippines, the US, and Europe. 20 years later, she is married with a son, is a very successful hairdresser and seldom goes back to LOS for a visit. She is very much "Americanized".

That's my personal story. I like to think it was the right move for my daughter but it's different for each person. At your age, perhaps a 13-year old daughter doesn't fit your life style.

IMO, it's not so much what the child thinks is best - it's the parents responsibility to make the tough choices for them. Hope this helps. Good luck!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thanks, mandl ~ It's good to know that a 13-year-old can make the transition successfully. My wife definitely wants to bring her over. I have so far supported that thinking. To be honest, though, five years into it, my wife hasn't made what I would consider to be a good transition. How did your wife do, if I might ask? How do you think your wife's transition affected your daughter's?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

We were in the military at the time (the mid-70's) and had the "luxury" of communities of Thai women at every place we were stationed. So, the wife's transition was eased somewhat by having a number of Thai friends as well as a sister living in California who she could call regularly. There can often be problems within groups of Thai women living in the same community (petty jealousies, etc), but overall I think it is useful for them as they can stay in touch with their culture, their food, and their language.

I guess that may be the key to the transition. If there is some Thai community (formal or informal) in your area, she can network with others and they can help her figure out how to deal with the cultural differences. If there is a Thai temple nearby, that is usually a good place to start.

For the daughter, it was tough at times. She was in three different schools in the 8th grade because of the moves we had to make. But, I like to think it helped her become more self-sufficient and "tougher" in her own way. She rarely speaks Thai any more, but that's her choice.

Another success story that I am personally aware of is a Thai woman who was brought to the US by her mother and step-father. I'm not sure how old she was but I believe she was in her early teens. She used her time learning English and got a Bachelors Degree from Georgetown U. Now she works for the World Bank in Bangkok and is doing very well. Her step-father died recently but her mother moved back to LOS and lives up country.

The reason I mention this last point is that you said you are planning to retire in about 10 years. That would be ample time for her to get a good education and either stay in the US or find a job in LOS or elsewhere. As others have also pointed out, Thais with degrees from American Universities usually do very well in Thailand.

Having said all that - IMO she will be better off in the long run if she is given the opportunity to grow and learn in the US and, when she is old enough, make her own decision about where she will live.

From gburns57au:

on the other hand....not everyone wants to live in the good old US of A......shocking but true... 

I have to agree! Every place has its drawbacks. All-in-all the US is probably better than most but not as good as some other places to live.

[Dickie]

She lives with granny, she's happy (assumption) with granny, granny has raised her with little intervention from mum and she's thirteen. Forget dragging her off to live with you, it's a done and dusted situation, she isn't your wife's daughter she's granny's daughter.

[chonabot]

We brought my wife's son ( 12 at the time) to come and live with us in the UK about 2 years ago. It was complicated , I wasn't in a position to bring him over when my wife first came here ( 8 years ago ) mainly because we weren't sure whether we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. Then after 6 months , my wife became pregnant with our son Tom. Various screwed up things prevented us from bring Andrew over until 2 years ago.

It was VERY hard the first few months , he had issues with his Mum , jealousy mainly , and learning to speak English , coping with the Agressive English Schoolkids. Now 2 years later , things aren't perfect , but they're ok.

Hopefully in 5 or 6 years he'll be in a decent job or at Uni.

Who knows? We may be living back in Los. The main thing is he's part of the family.

You can't make up for lost time , but it's never to late to try.

[thaihome]

One solution I have not seen proposed is the what we are doing with my wife's 12 yo daughter. After being raised in the village by grandmother, 2 years ago we put her in an international boarding school in Thailand. At the time we were on an assignment to a another country so her living with us was not an option. Overall, this has worked pretty well, she is learning English quite rapidly, the education is much better then anything the village had to offer, she is friends with a variety of types of other children, not just other village kids, and she gets to see her extended family that raised her on holidays. I think this has help her make the transition from a village child to one that is exposed to much more of the world.

Only time will tell how it all will work out.

TH

[BKKstan]

This is a great question!I am retired in LOS with a wife and daughter with the exact ages as yours.If I could afford to live in the states with them,I would.It would mean a dedicated expense to getting our daughter up to speed in English in order to be able to learn in that language.Although both my wife and daughter communicate in English,understanding lengthy topic discussions is something else.I feel that if we moved to the states,our retirement income is not sufficient to live in a manner or area that would have some safeguards against a beautiful nieve 13 year old Thai girl being enticed by hustlers etc.So I have opted to raise her in Thailand knowing that as a dark Issan girl,she will have limited economic opportunities and that the education system here is designed to keep the non Hi-so's ignorant of all but local cultural,religious and class propaganda.

If I was working in the states,I would definitely bring her to the states if that was what my wife wanted.The option of sending your wife to LOS to stay with her would have a probable 90% chance of ruining your marriage from my experience(to much pressure to separate your wife's priorities from husband to village relatives and ''friends'').The dynamics of your married life will definitly change drastically whatever option you choose.If they have been separated for awhile now,it might be to late to put the family unit together.Short visits both ways by you ,your wife and daughter would seem to be the best option ,allowing the family unit to go as it will with the daughter making her own choices from those experiences as she is getting to that age .Best of luck to you,Stan

[chonabot]

Forcing a kid to live where she doesnt want to will only spell trouble.....something was said earlier about the child being brought up free and uncontolled...maybe this is why she doesnt want to go....she knows that she will lose the freedom and will live in a controlled lifestyle...

on the other hand....not everyone wants to live in the good old US of A......shocking but true...

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Regardless of where you live , the child SHOULD be with her mother.

Period.

[chonabot]

One solution I have not seen proposed is the what we are doing with my wife's 12 yo daughter.  After being raised in the village by grandmother, 2 years ago we put her in an international boarding school in Thailand.  At the time we were on an assignment to a another country so her living with us was not an option.  Overall, this has worked pretty well, she is learning English quite rapidly, the education is much better then anything the village had to offer, she is friends with a variety of types of other children, not just other village kids, and she gets to see her extended family that raised her on holidays.  I think this has help her make the transition from a village child to one that is exposed to much more of the world.

Only time will tell how it all will work out.

TH

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Education is important , but the bond Mother and Daughter have is priceless.

I feel this situation may suit you , the harder option would be for the daughter to stay with yourselves, regardless of which assignment/country you were in.

You're missing out on her growing up day by day , she is missing out on Maternal love and nurturing.

IMO the relationship between Mother and Daughter simply will erode if they are not together.

Edited February 16, 2005 by chonabot

[bina]

chonomot, all over the world chldren are being raised by grandmothers while their mothers work.... most of you are writing from a father's point of you from a mostly western society where the nuclear family IS IT.... this is not the case and the grandmother does fill the same role and i saw with my thai woman friend's daughter that things do not work out as it is written in theory of mother/daughter relationships, especially when parents are working..... the short visits, summer vacations, or boarding school look best in my experience w/13 years old...

i was a house mother for two years to american jewish children from 'problematic' homes sent as a last resort to a boarding school program in israel... teenagers all of them... i was mother, nurse, sister, etc for 40 new kids each year... one of them during the gulf war.... mother child bonding happens when they are babies, every thing else is a learned pattern which can be learned and re inforced but takes time, and if the grandmother is main and good and steady and loved caretaker, then the mother should release some of the pressure, let the kid visit when possible, and the relationship will develop (probably more as sister/sister, than mother) naturally.all the new adjustments will also be very hard and hurtful for your wife (13 yr olds are nasty anyway, and the child will find every hurtful way to 'get back' at her mother etc....); i see the same thing now with a friends' 12 yr old daughter whom he hasnt seen in 7 years!! for two years she refused to talk to him on the phone, now slowly she is responding to him....

whatever, good luck there were some good options offered on the board, ...

[chonabot]

Yes Bina , I am writing from a Western Fathers viewpoint , but from the experience of bringing my step-son here at 12 years old from Thailand I believe I have some experience in this arena.

I only wish he had come sooner ,however if for example I had waited another few years he would be 18 , our other son Tom would NEVER get to grow up with his sibling. I would have missed out on helping the lad shape his future ( regardless of schooling/country etc )

As I said before , it was late , but I feel our family , and Andrew's life will be much richer for this experience!

Edited February 16, 2005 by chonabot