What To Do With My Wife's Daughter

[Boh Bpen Yang]

I have been married several times. Luckily I'm not going to give advice about that

I have children ranging in age from 15 to 30. 2 of my children were born in Mexico to a Mexican mother. They immigrated to the USA at an early age. With this said there is no direct comparison. This is only an expression of experience with children and cross culture relationships.

One troubling thing you mentioned is the uncontrolled life. A young girl in Thailand can get in a lot of trouble like that. Your wife could easily be a grandmother at 34.

Your step daughter needs direction and support not coddling. She is 13 years old and is not old enough to make life decisions (by most people’s standards).

If you are concerned about your wife being away from you for most of the next 10 years, then that is certainly not a solution. IMHO your step daughter should be with you and her mother.

By speaking English in the home she will learn very quickly. I would suggest a move beginning at the end of the school year. She will probably have a little trouble at first with her schooling but will improve with time and in the end get a real education.

Not having the privilege of knowing your mother-in-law I can't determine the kind of guidance your step daughter is getting. My wife lived with her grandmother from a very young age until about 14 which is when grandmother died. The grandmother was very protective and good. After she died the opposite was true. The real mom didn't have much time for her and forced her into a marriage at 15 (which of course ended at her coming of majority age). If you care about the step daughter, care FOR the step daughter directly. Get her with you and your wife even if she goes kicking and screaming.

Bottom line to me is this is in no way your step daughter’s decision.

[crocodilexp]

Having switched countries (Russia to USA) myself when I was 17, and having watched several other people make the transition, here are a few random thoughts I have.

- If she is to go West, earlier is better. Language learning is much easier at 13 than at 17, and the same applies to cultural assimilation. If she comes at 22, she'll never be able to integrate fully (assuming that's the goal... it may not be).

- If you live in an area (school district) with many foreigners, it shouldn't be too hard for her to adjust. However, if you're in an all-white area, it may not be as easy.

- At 13, it's not up to her to make decisions (I'd say it's mostly up to her mother), but it's essential to give her a feeling that her opinion has significant input.

- It may be a good idea to take her to your country for a vacation... I don't think a kid would object to 3 months in an interesting western country. If she has a bf, 3 months at that age is enough separation to water that down, if she has anything close to a good life overseas.

- Things largely depend on what community she'll be in when she arrives... in the U.S. midwest, for instance, people are very far apart, lonely and boring by default, and I doubt a social Thai kid used to being around family and friends would be happy here.

- Can you judge her personality? Is she an ambitious kid, or a complacent one that's happy with things as they go? Coming to the West is a fight. It may be full of opportunities and benefits along the way, but still a fight. She should know that beforehand.

[TizMe]

I am in the same situation, except both my wife (22) and her son (4) are still in Isaan. She is getting her immigrant visa interview sometime in July-Aug and shes not sure about bringing her son over. Its a bad time for him, he speaks no english, even though hers is extremely good. This would be hard on him trying to go to school in the states.

DD,

A 4 year old thrust into a western school will be speaking english in a flash. It is amazing how quickly a child of this age will pick up the lingo.

If you wait for him to learn english in Thailand, he might have finished Uni and still only talk Isanglish.

[chaladmak]

>>>.......What To Do With My Wife's Daughter

just don't do whatever would hurt the feelings of both girl and mom !

[legendarysurfer]

I'm really glad I asked this question and put it out on the Forum. To have the Forum be a helpful resource and not just a BS place is really great. My appreciations to the creators and maintainers of the site. Kudos to all of you, also, who have taken the time to write about this subject.

I'm glad I put the question out, not only for myself, but for others of us, as well, as it appears to be a not uncommon issue.

In the past and to some degree still today, Issan girls have had to go off at too young an age to help support the family. In my wife's case, the parents could not afford to send both her and her sister through school, so she left the Issan to live with other family members in Bangkok where she worked in the garment industry (sewing), met a guy, got married, got pregnant, split up (divorced), and then had to leave the daughter with her parents so that she could continue working to support the family -- even though she's got four other brothers, all older than her.

So, her daughter has not been brought up by her at all. It was all under the care of the grandparents who basically let her be and do what she wanted. The good thing is that she has always done well in school and seems to take her studies seriously.

The most time my wife has been able to be with her daughter was after we were married five years ago, when she no longer had to work and I could afford to send her (my wife) back to the Issan for extended visits. Never more than six months, though, due to U.S. visa restrictions...

[legendarysurfer]

Thanks, again, to all of you who responded to this question... I put it out there kind of knowing that I would need to bring my wife's daughter to live with us in the USA, but hoping there might be some other options because I'm really dreading the prospect... One thought that was introduced was the one concerning international boarding schools. What does a school like this typically run in Thailand?

[350torana]

Like someone mentioned before , I am not a big fan of grandma raising a kid. Although, it seems to be the norm here in the Kingdom . Alot of kids miss out bonding with their mum and dad at an early age.A child belongs with thier mother or father . Although ( at 13) discipline will be a big problem, encourage your wife to think that your step-daughter is part of "your family"

Boarding school might seem like a good option , but for a young teenager it would not help to encourage a bond wth your step-daughter later on .

I dunno,i am no expert, my first born is not even two. But my wife was shipped off to grandma's at 6 months and sent to boarding school when 7 years old.Needless to say she has issues.

You sound like a nice guy, and wish u the best of luck

[legendarysurfer]

Like someone mentioned before , I am not a big fan of grandma raising a kid. Although, it seems to be the norm here in the Kingdom . Alot of kids miss out bonding with their mum and dad at an early age.A  child belongs with thier mother or father . Although ( at 13) discipline will be a big problem, encourage your wife to think that your step-daughter is part of "your family"

Boarding school might seem like a good option , but for a young teenager it would not help to encourage a bond wth your step-daughter later on .

  I dunno,i am no expert, my first born is not even two. But my wife was shipped off to grandma's at 6 months and sent to boarding school when 7 years old.Needless to say she has issues.

  You sound like a nice guy, and wish u the best of luck

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thanks, 350torana... What I should have done was brought the daughter over within a year of bringing her mother (the time limit on the visa [K-1]), but there were some health issues involved with her mother and I didn't think I could look after both of them at the same time... Another guy had mentioned he had a young step child who he was going to put off bringing out of country. For him and anyone else in this situation, I strongly encourage to bring the kid over the younger the better... I will be stuck with my situation of having to raise a teenage girl who is not my own and whom I have not bonded with to date. I just hope her mother steps up to the plate when the daughter is here and I don't have to look after BOTH of them ALL the time. I can't afford it, financially and energy-wise.

[SoCal]

I will be stuck with my situation of having to raise a teenage girl who is not my own and whom I have not bonded with to date. I just hope her mother steps up to the plate when the daughter is here and I don't have to look after BOTH of them ALL the time. I can't afford it, financially and energy-wise. 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

LS, you seem like a nice guy, so not really comming down on you, sure you just have a lot of stress, but your attitude here sucks.

This girl became your daughter the day you married her mother.

[Vit42]

Here's a perspective from a thai guy and his sis who were sent to live in the u.s. with his mom and stepdad.

I did not want to leave my family and friends in lopburi but was forced to. I was 6 and my sis was 8. It was an extreme culture shock for us. I was rebellious and cried at school because i didn't have any friends or understand anyone!

That 1st year was filled with some tough love, some spankings for my temper tantrums, but also much support from my mom and stepdad. After 1 year of only speaking english at home we were forced to learn the language and in no time we made friends in the neighborhood.

With the love and support of my parents, we turned out to be good kids and good adults. I've graduated from top schools in boston with m.s. engineering and m.b.a. degrees. I am ceo of a company and make a 6 figure salary. I visit thailand every year and hope to someday contribute to the economic development.

If I hadn't been forced to do what i didn't want to do, i'd probably be following the footsteps of my real dad in thailand... in the military, lot's of drinking, lot's of girls. However, the responsibility for my well-being rested in my stepdad and mom's hands and without their devotion, i might not have done much better in the u.s.

In summary, kids are stubborn and don't want to be forced to do anything. Kids are also naive and don't know what's best for them. What makes all the difference is you, the parents. With good parenting, kids are bound to become the best that they can be no matter where they live. If you take on this young girl, then be ready to be responsible for her welfare and she'll appreciate it the end.

Best of luck to you. -- Vit