Computer Buffs

[Tas]

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.

(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; May I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Operator: "What sort of trouble??"

Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words

went away."

Operator: "Went away?"

Caller: "They disappeared."

Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

Caller: "Nothing."

Operator: "Nothing??"

Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"

Caller: "How do I tell?"

Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"

Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I

type."

Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"

Caller: "What's a monitor?"

Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"

Caller: "I don't know."

Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the

power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"

Caller: "Yes, I think so."

Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's

plugged into the wall.

Caller: "Yes, it is."

Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there

were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find

the other cable."

Caller: "Okay, here it is."

Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into

the back of your computer."

Caller: "I can't reach."

Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way

over??"

Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's

because it's dark."

Operator: "Dark??"

Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is

coming in from the window."

Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller: "I can't."

Operator: "No? Why not??"

Caller: "Because there's a power failure."

Operator: "A power... a power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked

now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your

computer came in??"

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just

like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought

it from."

Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"

Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer

[lampard10]

This is also an actual case between customer and IP-Star. I know. I was that soldier.

'Hello, is that IP-Star'

'No English'

'I pressed the English option'

' No English. I get'

Short delay

'Allo caan i yelp you'

'You speak English'

'Of course. This English option'

' Is IP-Star running Okay?'

'What'

'Is IP-Star down'

'Customer number please'

'I only want to know if IP-Star is down or not'

'Customer number please. No can help without'

'IP 2846237'

'Sank you'

" Is it down'

'Please moment please. I come back'

Delay of about five minutes.

'Hello Sir'

' Yes. Is my account okay?'

'No can tell Sir. System down'