It's Silent Treatment Time (again!)

[Datsun240Z]

I simply won't put up with that. The first time my TG pulled the silent treatment, I told her to pack her bags and put her out. She sat in the street crying saying she was sorry and that she loved me. I let her sit and cry for about 20 minutes before walking out and calming telling her that she can't act that way to me again, or next time she will be on the next bus home. I then explained how if she wanted to act like a child, I would treat her like one.

She never did it again and now we have learned to talk through any issues we have. Now, any issues we have are dealt with quickly via communication.

I wish it was that easy for me , no way that will work for me, since my wife is a few years older than me, and I know this would not work.

[Datsun240Z]

I think there should be an element of trust and security (emotionally..not just finacially)

To bad Thais neverder heard of the values foreigners have, in their eyes mostly, sorry to say, no money, no honey. In my country we think, if true love, money doesn't mean anything. It seems it does in Thailand.

I disagree that this is purely a western value. I think it depends on each person, their background, and what they want out of a relationship. Of course, you are welcome to your opinion.

I agree that with you, but sorry to say, from everything I experienced, saw, and read bout Thailand, no money is really exit. Why you think the Thai men cheat so often?

[WeeGB]

WeeGB..sorry if i sounded a bit cynical. Sadly Thaivisa does at times bring out the cynic in me.

I have a couple of long shot questions.. is there nothing you can think of that caused the silent treatment to happen? Maybe it was a combination of small things? Or you forgot something important..? Is it possible she also has pms?

I DO agree that the silent treatment is a killer, and a tough one, but it does seem to often be the response to upset here. Initially when i started dating my bf, i was shocked the first time he gave me the silent treatment. I had thought this was something kids do, not adults. We did have some discussion about it after he came out of it, and said that we both needed reflection time, and he was too angry to talk to me. It does still happen from time to time, and I still dont like it, but i realise that its better than being shouted at.

When i realised that this was his way of dealing with issues, I at first tried different ways of handling it. At first i would try to coax him into talking, which, when he didnt respond, only made me resentful. I then tried to out silence treatment him, in that when he finally came around, i gave him the silent treatment back. Effective-ish..but absolute hel_l and quite ridiculous. Ive personally found that what seems to work best is a combination of things. 1st I give him his space..time to stew/mull over/etc..usually the rest of the day if its something that really got under his skin. If he seems like hes still in a mood the next day, i leave it until the late afternoon/eve and i offer some nice suggestions of things we can do..small talk etc. If hes still in a grump, ill leave him for about a half an hour and then attack him! ...Dont worry I mean attack as in i grab something like a cushion or sit on him or tickle him..etc..anything that provokes a response. Usually by that time he cracks and laughs. If not, i just tell him fine, sulk and be unhappy as long as you want, but im off to do something fun. Then i do just that. I go out and dont let him interfere with my thoughts and do some things i enjoy doing. Talk to friends, or go see a movie, have a massage, etc. I havent had him gone past that point. It once went to four days, but thankfully the silent treatment isnt very often. Im not sure if my combination would work on a woman though, as this is how I handle it on a man.

I think if you have a really good relationship that is fun and enjoyable, then the silent treatment can really hurt a lot. Being deprived of everyday things like general banter, comfort, support, hugs....etc..is horrible. But, all i can say is that if the good outweighs the bad, then it may just be one of those things you have to accept? If nothing else works, but you are happy with her, then during that time, do things you enjoy and let her stew it out her system.

Of course, again, if it happens a lot and for days on end, then yes that a big problem.

Hope you find a good way of either solving it or handling it.

Good luck.

Hi eek,

It started while we were sitting on a step, by the side of the road, waiting for a songtieow (taxi) back to our village, after shopping in town. My wife had bought a bottle of fanta, had taken a drink, and put it back in the carrier bag. I asked her to pass it to me, which she did, I had a drink, and passed it back to her to put away. The carrier was next to her left leg, which was farthest from me, as I was sitting on her right. (I thought it was impolite to lean across her on a street, to put it away, which was why I passed it back to her). She then remarked that next time I could do my own shopping. I asked what was the matter with her, and the silent treatment started. No, I can't work it out either. Whenever this happens, which seems to be roughly once a year, she is always full of apologies afterwards, and explains herself by saying she can't help it, she just has to be nasty sometimes, and always promises not to do it again. It has happened before when she's got a "visitor", but not always.

I have noticed that it has happened several times when I've been talking to, for example, a pretty sales assistant, in a shop, which I had been earlier, as I needed some new earphones for my MP3 player. The assistant had brought out some pink earphones, for me to try, and I'd made a joke about not wanting Barbies favourite colour, which had made the girl laugh. Maybe my wife is just insecure, and this is her way of dealing with it, though I've never knowingly given her cause to worry on that score. I studiously avoid parties in the village where we live, as I used to get pestered by women looking for a farang to take care of them. I'm not exactly a George Clooney lookalike, but some of the women were quite shameless, and I decided that it's best to avoid any potential problems, so I stopped going to parties, except within our family here.

We're now approaching the end of day 2, though my sister in law left the baby with us for an hour this evening, which she sometimes does while she gets her husbands meal ready. My wife was talking to me through him, ( he's only six months old, and doesn't talk yet!!), so I'm making progress - I think!

It used to hurt a lot, but maybe as I'm older now, I have more patience and can wait it out, and hopefully see the funny side of it, which was one of my reasons for posting this topic. There is a part of me though, that is beginning to wonder if this is what I want in life, the silent treatment is giving me time to think seriously about other aspects of the relationship.Time will tell, I suppose.

Glad you're enjoying the topic, I thought it would make a change from the usual stuff that's posted on ThaiVisa, the repetitive "Thai bashing" gets on my nerves.

[myfriendyou]

This is something I experience as well but not very often and eek has hit the nail on the head I deal with it in a similar way.

I always recall when I was young and my boss would very often go quiet and silent with his girlfriend who was always in the building it was obvious they hard argued, he was a nice guy and we got on well and we discussed the silent treatment and his explanation was that he did not want to say something in anger that he would regret, he said it doesnt matter how many times you say sorry for something nasty you have said it will never reverse the fact that you said it, and must have thought it to say it.

I am not suggesting that is the Thai way of thinking but it has always made sense to me when some one goes quiet on me.

[eek]

It started while we were sitting on a step, by the side of the road, waiting for a songtieow (taxi) back to our village, after shopping in town. ....She then remarked that next time I could do my own shopping. I asked what was the matter with her, and the silent treatment started. ...It has happened before when she's got a "visitor", but not always.

I have noticed that it has happened several times when I've been talking to, for example, a pretty sales assistant,...Maybe my wife is just insecure, and this is her way of dealing with it, though I've never knowingly given her cause to worry on that score.

Hi WeeGB.

In your first paragraph I realised that her comment was really nothing to do with the fanta passing thing, and was going to ask what happened earlier. But, in the second paragraph you already answered that.

I would say that most women (i believe this crosses cultures), notice and record things men would never think to. Regarding insecurity, I think all women, even those who seem to have it all, have degrees of insecurity. I would also go so far in saying, i think many women rest a lot of their self-worth on the shoulders of their men. Quite a burden for men really!

Anyway, its hard to gauge what may have happened, as none of us were actually there. But, it could be that on that particular occasion she thought you did not show her consideration. For example, my bf often likes banter (sorry, all i can offer is some personal experience), and is funny in a flirty way with ladies (not sexually or anything, nor goes too far), he just has that kind of personality. I dont mind at all ONLY because he includes me in some way. Even if its just by putting his arm around me, or turning to me to smile, but usually it he will include me, ask me something etc. In my eyes, him doing this, shows the other girls that he is with me, and he is just being friendly. IF however, he were to talk to a girl and ignore me (im also talking about body language and things here), i may a bit humiliated (depending on the situation). I wouldnt say anything to him at the time, but most likely it would play out in my head for a bit whilst i weigh up if its something I should be concerned about or let go. Whether or not i can let it go, or think rationally, usually depends on the time of the month. Im also not particularly proud that i over think sometimes in this way, but i also believe many woman do the same thing.

It could also be that she is just feeling very low in herself at present, and seeing you joke with the pretty girl made her feel worse about herself and shes transfered all that onto you (which is wrong, but knowing that wont solve the problem either). Maybe she has put on weight recently or feels older or less attractive. Could be many factors. Even if she is a stunningly beautiful lady, she may be not see it in herself.

I think some men dont realise that often they can flirt and be silly with girls in front of their wives (if meant in a harmless way), so long as they include their wives. Also, it helps if afterwards you give her some small compliment. Of course, i dont know what works for each individual woman, but most women thrive on compliments. Simple things like "you smell so good darling", "i like your hair like that". Even slight sexual compliments like "you look sexy today sweetheart!". Might sound silly to a man, but means a lot to a woman.

Sorry if it seems that ive gone off on a tangent. My point is that a few regular compliments may help particularly if she is feeling down about herself. Including your wife in some way when a pretty girl talks to you also shows her how much you respect her (this works the other way around too of course. I always like to include my bf when another man is talking to me). Its also a good idea for men to know when pms time is coming! That way you know no matter what you do, you probably cant solve anything!

Anyway..hope the air clears for you soon.

--

myfriendyou, my bf said something very similar. That once a bad thing is said, its out there, its done, and it cant be taken back. He also said that if you do one strong thing (such as pack bags etc), it can be too easy to do it again..like some barrier has been crossed. Each time a more dramatic action needed to get your point across. So, although i hate the dreaded silent treatment, i am able to see that there are benefits to it. Doesnt make it much easier tho.

[eek]

We're now approaching the end of day 2, though my sister in law left the baby with us for an hour this evening, which she sometimes does while she gets her husbands meal ready. My wife was talking to me through him, ( he's only six months old, and doesn't talk yet!!), so I'm making progress - I think!

Hmm..not sure if this will work..but next time you could say something like "tell mommy she is looking so beautiful today"..then walk out to do something. Let her sit with those really nice words for a while.

[Datsun240Z]

Nice words Eek. It's true what you sad. Some woman do not have this, others really alot. Example:

I was with my parents in Thailand in Februari 2008. My mom offcourse in the late 40's doesn't look as pretty as a pretty young thai girl. She couldn't stand my dad watching left or right! The whole vacation was a pain in the ass for my dad, and I feel sorry for him. It is still going like this many times.

[mahtin]

eek, if you write a book I want to buy it

[thesunset75]

Tell her you are off to pattaya for a few days to find somone to talk to, if that dosent loosen her tongue, id go for good .

That was exactly my ex husband does !

Unfortunately, he never come back, how sad.

Since i am the one who gone silent when argument come and I have any word no more then go silent. He is the one yak yak yak all the time.

Leave her for a while she'll be able to talk normal again..IMO

In my case if im the one cause the argument I'll go to him and say sorry and talk. If his cause then he MUST come to me hahaha.

I learn alot to be open to talk how I feel, like or dont like.

Cheers !

[G54]

As the song says. 'Silence is Golden'

[Datsun240Z]

I learn alot to be open to talk how I feel, like or dont like.

It's okay to be open in The Netherlands. You'r not in Thailand anymore.

[thesunset75]

I learn alot to be open to talk how I feel, like or dont like.

It's okay to be open in The Netherlands. You'r not in Thailand anymore.

jajajaja...all (most of them that I know) Netherlanders alway talk and talk and talk (chips chat). lol

Sometime they made me feel like im not exist !

[473geo]

All the advice.....to stay silent

Just take hold of her gently....look deep into her eyes and say in your most sincere heartfelt voice 'I love you'..........

Then let us know the outcome.......

Aaah the romantic viewpoint.

I actually tried this, or something very similar, one of the first few times this happened, it was taken by her as a sign of weakness. Hope it works for you, in your relationship(s), though.

Yep it works for me thank you......

See I do it all the time...........no need for an excuse......guess what?......never had the silent treatment ever.....

Just a lucky old romantic I guess....

[jackdanielsesq]

LOL & LOL

Aint that the truth - they never stop!!

BR>Jack

jajajaja...all (most of them that I know) Netherlanders alway talk and talk and talk (chips chat). lol

[WeeGB]

Hi again eek,

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with paragraph 3. I didn’t include her in the joking with the sales girl, I’ll try the arm round the shoulder type technique next time. After showing me the pink earplugs, the sales girl brought out several different brands, all in boxes. As I was carrying a shopping bag with a large box of baby formula in it, I asked my wife to help me, by holding the bag, so I could open the boxes, and plug the earpieces into the player, to make sure they were OK. (The problem with the original earphones was that one side had stopped working, but I wasn’t 100% sure it was the earphones or the player, which was faulty). So, following your theory, not only did I not include my wife in the joking, I then used her as a servant, (from her perspective). Result – silence.

I also realised, reading the rest of your post, that I haven’t given her many compliments lately, so I’ll rectify that, once things return to normal. I do genuinely try to be a good husband and partner, but I suppose we all get complacent from time to time.

The air seems to have begun to clear, one of the dogs got into the house this morning, (they sleep outside), ran upstairs, got into the bedroom and woke me up. My wife said “sorry, he got past me before I could stop him”, so at least I’m back on the radar. She also had made me a cup of coffee, when I got up a few minutes later, so I somehow don’t think there will be a fourth day of this, (we’re now starting day 3, for those who like to keep count ).

If we haven’t made progress by this evening, when the baby comes over, I’ll try your other posting, and see what happens.

By the way, I agree with mahtin, if ever you write a book on relationships, let me know, I’ll also buy a copy. Perhaps a guide to pms? I’ve never met a man who had the slightest understanding of what goes in a woman’s head during this time. Strangely, my first wife (British), was never particularly different or argumentative when she had her “visitor”, but turned into a monster, when she’d gone through the menopause.

Most people who’ve posted on this topic, seem to have enjoyed it so far, though sadly there now seems to be a bit of “over talkative Netherlander”, bashing going on., which I don’t understand. Personally I’ve met many people from Holland over the years, and have always found them to be thoroughly decent people.** The fact that the vast majority of Dutch people speak better English than most British people, and seem to enjoy practicing it, is a credit to them, in my humble opinion.

** There was one exception, a hotel manager in Eindhoven. He ranted and raged at the staff working there, then turned to the guest (me), and gave me the Basil Fawlty gleaming toothed sickly, fawning smile. Can’t remember the name of the hotel, but this guy had to be seen to be believed. I fully expected my bags to be picked up by a little Spanish guy.

[WeeGB]

I learn alot to be open to talk how I feel, like or dont like.

It's okay to be open in The Netherlands. You'r not in Thailand anymore.

jajajaja...all (most of them that I know) Netherlanders alway talk and talk and talk (chips chat). lol

Sometime they made me feel like im not exist !

Could be worse, the sunset75, they could be talking about you!

By the way, hope you've found someone new, after your husband did the dirty on you.

[PeaceBlondie]

Wow, post #107 in this TVisa drama...

My Thai boyfriend and I celebrate six years together next month. We don't talk much; he's bilingual and talks a lot with Thai friends. He occasionally ignores me only when solving a problem.

The OP is in a Thai village with a Thai wife, family compound, ten years now. His Thai family calls the shots. Is that what you really want, fella? If so, accept it and don't complain, I suppose. Don't leave; send HER back to Momma until she finds her tongue. The Thais will respect you more, I think.

But I'm often mistaken.

[robblok]

Its funny all those woman trying to defend his wife, I hate silent treatments myself. Thankfully i almost never get them and if i get them they are not that long. In a normal relationship you talk about what is wrong. Im not perfect either i raise my voice at times, she almost never does.

But the point is you cant just ignore someone for a day or more, especially a farang in Thailand. inmagine a guy doing that to his Thai wife in a foreign country where she is isolated. It would be considered really cruell.

Its usualy a girl thing beeing angry for a long time while guys seem to forget and forgive faster. Its has good reasons that there are sayings like hel_l hath no fury then a woman scorned. Woman hold grudges much longer then men.

Should a guy accept this kind of behaviour, in my opinion not. If something happens like this early in a relation i would seriously boot the girl. If your married for a while you have to evaluate everything if its still good or else also think about breaking up.

I have been with a real bad thai wife who was abusive and tried to break me. I stayed to long it tought me a lot of things, especially dont put up with shit from woman. If you dont like them find a new one there are enough of them. That does not mean to quit at the first sign of trouble but if its getting worse or unbearable do so on time dont waste your life with a bad one.

[sbk]

I have no solution for the OP, so I never bothered to post. Simple as that. As for "all those women"-- I have seen two women posting regularly, and neither one seems to be defending but rather attempting to explain.

Don't you think its better to understand and try to find a solution then condemn? Better to try and solve the problems in the relationship than walk away? The tit for tat behavior being suggested here is, IMO, just as immature as the silent treatment.

[desi]

Woman hold grudges much longer then men.

This may have been mentioned before...

I'm not so sure it's about holding grudges for longer. I believe it is more that women have better memories for personal things such as conversations.

The man in the house can remember the dates wars and events were fought (like one day skirmishes that really don't matter). But he can't remember all of the details of a conversation we had yesterday. I can remember not only a conversation from yesterday, but one from 20 years ago. And at times, I'll also be able to tell you what everyone was wearing, where they were sitting or standing, and any notable expressions they had on their faces or in their body language.

For the silent treatment... I did that when I was young and immature. But the first guy who did not respond cured me of the childish behaviour forever.

So stop responding already.

It's a compromise really (the glue of a working relationship). You give her more attention and she stops with the silent treatment.

So sit her down and tell her that it is not how you want your relationship to work. That it is not acceptable behaviour in an adult relationship (all up to you on how you explain it as you don't want to piss her off on top of everything else :-D

Then, if you don't make a big deal out of it when she does, she'll soon see that it is not getting the response she was aiming for. Because women using the silent treatment in that way are waiting for their man to come running. Stop running and responding and she'll soon get the idea.

[WaiWai]

So sit her down and tell her that it is not how you want your relationship to work.

Right on!

I only skimmed through this, but ...

What's going on is not a good sign in a relationship. Good communication is key, and you do have to work much harder in an intercultural one.

Hope that life has returned to normal.

Once it has, you need to sit down together and develop a strategy for handling problems in future that works for both of you. (There are heaps of books on such topics and much material online which will guide you through this process.)

Make that strategy as precise and explicit as possible. Don't let this slide and have the pattern repeat itself over and over.

Good luck. Seems you are considering leaving anyway; let us know the outcome.

Edited June 30, 2009 by WaiWai

[robblok]

I have no solution for the OP, so I never bothered to post. Simple as that. As for "all those women"-- I have seen two women posting regularly, and neither one seems to be defending but rather attempting to explain.

Don't you think its better to understand and try to find a solution then condemn? Better to try and solve the problems in the relationship than walk away? The tit for tat behavior being suggested here is, IMO, just as immature as the silent treatment.

Your as guilty as me in twisting words, and sure all those woman are 2/3 in this case. But seeing that there are not many woman on this forum that is a lot.

Sometimes you have to walk away.. not all things can be fixed. I would prefer fixing over walking out but its just not always viable. Sometimes you have to cut your losses fast before things like this get too bad. You got only 1 life and that is too short to waste in an unhappy relationship.

I don't think its the OP's case though if this is the only problem.

[Cujobytes]

It's Silent Treatment Time (again!)

Thank your lucky stars and appreciate the peace and quiet.

[WaiWai]

Seriously, though, this form of behaviour is a sign of a relationship/person in (some) trouble, at least in western terms (and yes, the cultural difference of a tendency to avoidance by Thais is quite a major complication here). Just google something like " psychology "silent treatment" " and you will find much (western) analysis as well as solutions.

Note that "silent treatment" as a punitive behaviour is what we mean here, not someone just taking time out to collect their thoughts (and they should, ideally, explain that this is what they are doing). Essentially, it is controlling/abusive behaviour; the severity could vary a good deal.

I think the OP has gone silent now. Could be or ??

Edited June 30, 2009 by WaiWai

[neverdie]

WeeGB,

I hope everything continues to improve at your place. Goodluck with everything, you seem like a real decent person & I'm guessing your wife & your family are lucky to have you around. Take care.

[Datsun240Z]

I have no solution for the OP, so I never bothered to post. Simple as that. As for "all those women"-- I have seen two women posting regularly, and neither one seems to be defending but rather attempting to explain.

Don't you think its better to understand and try to find a solution then condemn? Better to try and solve the problems in the relationship than walk away? The tit for tat behavior being suggested here is, IMO, just as immature as the silent treatment.

I agree with you

[longstebe]

Get rid mate. You sound like a really nice chap. You deserve better. If she wont go...

[F1fanatic]

Laughingman had it spot on from the beginning -

" Living with a person you cant even communicate with. You chose this life, why complain"

[gazz]

This might come across as being a little harsh but I don't believe we should put up with any irrational behaviour from women.

Live alone?

Says it all.

silent treatment is not a big deal

anyway i don't listen to my wife

Spoken like a true 'husband'.

[gazz]

Datsun240Z - If this is your first time, for the silent treatment, you may find your wife sleeps on the sofa tonight, another favourite ploy of Thai women.

As for me, I'll keep smiling, keep silent, and plan what I'm going to do a week after this episode is over, when I'm heading for Pattaya.

This is your second reference to seeking alternative 'comforts'.

...Luckily I have always been able to occupy myself, so it's no hardship to me whatsoever. I quite enjoy the peace, if the truth be told. As with most women, I know it drives her crazy having to keep silent, especially when it has no effect on me - all part of the joys of married bliss!

really?

...At least the air gets cleared that way. This silent treatment just harbours resentment for the future, certainly in my case.

WeeGB, you need to make up your mind: Does this silent treatment bother you or not?

...When the silence happened first time with my Thai wife, ten years ago, I must admit I was at a loss for what to do. However, over the years, I have learned to let it run it's course. This silent treatment seems to happen roughly on an annual basis, so it's not too bad to live with, although I am now seriously beginning to question whether I want to stay with her.

Not too bad, but thinking about leaving? I think you are considering alternative 'comforts'.