I'm In The Men's Room! Come Get Me!

[PaulUSA302]

Picture it. It’s Friday night in Chiang Mai. It’s a clear night. Not too hot, not too cold. Your with a hired guide. You’re a little attracted to your guide but you decide to ignore it. Your guide picks you up in a small Toyota and off you both go to Mandalay Disco.

You arrive at Mandalay and the staff help you park the car in a space that is so tight it is a wonder anyone could open the car door to get in or out. After the car is parked a bottle of 100 pipers is pulled from the trunk and off we go to enter the bar.

ON the building is glorious neon glowing bright! So bright it illuminates the courtyard and adjacent parking lot. Music can be heard in a rhythmic thump, thump, thump as we approach the entrance.

We stop at the entrance and the clerk asks for the entrance fee. My guide says something and we are let in with a smile and a wave without having to pay one single baht! A team of staff seem to escort us to our table. Cups arrive and a bucket of ice is delivered. Before the first ice cube is dropped into a glass we are whisked to a private section and our table is once again prepared. Ice, Soda, Cups, Napkins! Everything we need to make our drinks. One lone server seem to stand off to the side. When a glass was near empty he would re-fill it with either ice, soda or 100 pipers or all three! It was as if I was the President or something! There is nothing better than Thai service!

Soon the bar began to fill with what I would guess are the locals. Boom! A spotlight highlights the stage! Out of nowhere a Lean Thai Performer come out… No.. They RUN out on the stage! Snatches the Microphone! Their hair was puffed but long and flowing down their back! They had on a long and flowing full length top coat with no sleeves. Under the coat they wore a glitter top, shorts and theigh high boots! The curtains open revealing a band on the stage break into a number. The Thai audience yells and screams as the performer belts out a tune! There is dancing, swirling, spinning all over the stage! When the song is over, the lights go out and the performer runs off the stage as another performer runs on!

The next number begins with a hot Thai woman in shorts so short you can see the tag that tells you what size they are! Then another girl runs out and grabs a microphone and sings her part. Just when she is done her part, another hot number runs out in the same shorts, runs out to the far end of the stage and begins to sing her part. The audience is going WILD! I am having a good time and my guide has the biggest smile I ever saw! Just dancing and moving to the music!

I make my way to the men’s room. I go down this skinny hall. I seem to remember the eerie glow of fluorescent lights, cinderblock walls and an absence of people. How could it be that a club filled with 100’s of people and no one seems to need the bathroom?

I open the door.. “Creeeeeek,” That is what I think the door sounded like when I pushed it open. As soon as I enter. 2, no! 3 Thai guys set upon me from all directions! One grabs my wrist and seems to begin pulling at me! Another puts his hands about my neck from behind, the 3rd guy stops in front of me, turns and I am being pushed and pulled in his direction! What have I gotten myself into! My mind races on what to do next! Just then a warm towel engulfs my hands! The hands about my neck begin to massage my shoulders and neck and the 3rd guy is using his elbow to massage pressure spots on my back! What kind of strange hel_l is this?! I came to take a wiz, not get into a bathroom 3 way with the lavatory staff!

Well it seemed they parked me in front of a urinal! No way was I going to be able to take a wiz with 3 strange guys tugging, scrubbing and massaging my back, neck and hands. I told them that I needed to take a #2 so we all moved in unison from the urinal to the toilet stall. One of my attendants broke away from the Pac to sanitize the seat and flush the toilet so that the water was fresh. They do things like that for you there…. I was relieved that they let me close the stall door for privacy! If they tried to massage me while I sat on the toilet than I was just going to call it a night and forget the whole idea of using the toilet until I got back to my hotel room!

So I am all done and I flush the toilet. I peek through the crack in the stall door and I can see them all there waiting for me to exit! I was not going to get out of there without them swarming over me again!

My mind was racing! How can I get out of there, untouched? Un-scrubbed? Un-massaged? IN the distance I could tell the acts were changing on the stage. I am sure if I stayed in the stall any longer, my guide would come looking for me, the gang outside the stall would be wondering what I was doing since I already flushed!

Ok, I decided on a bold escape. Once again I peeked out the crack of the stall door and the bathroom staff seems to be circling my stall like vultures over a dead rabbit! I open the door and broke for the sink! Before I could reach it my hands were engulfed in a damp warm towel! Hands began to massage my shoulders and neck! The elbow was once again working over the knots and muscles of my back! Then there was another guy! Where did he come from?

I managed to wrench my hand free of the towel and point towards the sink. Before I reached the sink, the 4th guy turned it on and adjusted the temperature to a warm setting. I washed my hands while eyeing the exit and wondering how many steps it would take for me to rush out the door!?

Now my hands are washed! Again with the towels. Next a guy puts me into a full nelson and begins to crack the bones in my back! Snap to the right! CRACK! Snap to the left! Crack! Who knew bones were supposed to make a cracking sound!

I pleaded with them.. “Enough! Enough! Enough!” and they let me go and held out their hand and one said to me. “Tip!” So I reach for my wallet. In my mind I am thinking what compartment holds the 20 baht notes. With my wallet in hand and my fingers singling out my 20 baht note they all line up! Hands out! Waiting for my baht! What a rip-off I am thinking! Why didn’t my guide warn me?! “200 Baht” one of them says.. Yeah! Right! Like I am going to tip some guys in the men’s room 200 baht. Do I look like an American Senator? No and it was not even an Airport Men’s Room! I began to lay 20 baht notes in the palm of the outstretched hands. Then I looked up and asked.. Who are you? It seemed when I began to hand out the cash, guys were coming out from every direction to hold their hand out for cash! I laughed that he didn’t massage me and then he moved in to begin a massage! I just gave him the money and got the heck out of there!

I made my way back my table, had a few more drinks and enjoyed the show. My guide introduced me to some friends and before I knew it I needed the take a whizz again! This time I decided to hold it till I got back to my hotel room!

I have to admit that I wondered if that type of bathroom service would go over well in the USA? I don’t think it would. And I wonder if it would be something you would put on your resume? How many hours a day do they have to work? Do they get bathroom break time? How much does it pay? Can foreigners do it? Does the same thing go on in the ladies room?

If I get to go back there with some friends, I am going to send them to the bathroom and I am not going to warn them about what will happen to them. I will just wait for them to return so that I can laugh at them and tease them about being manhandled in the men’s room!

Edited July 15, 2009 by PaulUSA302

[Carib]

Now I know why you don't want to come in a slow season, you are just scared that the tolilet-service will not be there.

[a2396]

I saw this stuff when I was in China. It is their ideas of "service" and they are hoping for a tip for their efforts.

[greedisgood]

Thanx Paul had me laughing remembering my 1st time in a loo in LOS. Mandalay. Stopped going when they started only charging farangs the 3-400 bht

[mizzi39]

I'll wait for the book.

[a2396]

When these "extras" are offered, you know you are in a high-class joint (usually). Unless it's a gay bar, ha, ha.

[pattaya_girl]

Good Post Paul. I have been to Mandalay myself (good memories).

I don't go into the Gents toilets but when I went into the Ladies, there is a huge selection of Make Up and a Lady rushes to welcome you with a piece of Toilet Tissue, and then she takes you to your cubicle and wipes the Toilet Seat and slowly walks away.

What will they think of next with regard to Tipping.

Edited July 15, 2009 by pattaya_girl

[DP25]

Uhhh...just tell them no if any approach you when you go in to the bathroom.

[DP25]

Although, I admit, I never tell friends about the urinal massage when they come for the first time, it's hilarious.

[steelepulse]

Seems to be standard issue in all of the better clubs I've been to in SE Asia, although I've never been accosted by 3 at the same time.

[bungy007]

Although, I admit, I never tell friends about the urinal massage when they come for the first time, it's hilarious.

Me too - it would ruin an exceptional part of the experience of LOS for friends. Like our hapless OP, I come from a tipping culture. My response to requests for tips in that situation is

"Lift your roses before November - its a good tip"

[kurnell]

I'll wait for the book.

I think the term you are looking for is "I'll wait for the movie"

[HYENA]

We went to a bar that was closed then the taxi took us to some police owned bar somewhere in BKK after 2am. It had a hefty cover but we wanted to go dancing so we paid and went in. The club was packed (could barely turn around in there-huge fire hazard) with I'd say 1500 people inside. I made my way up to the bathroom and it was packed with the urinal massage team like flies on sht. I saw what they were doing and I said "mei ow kap pom" and smiled. They left me alone. In the tip jar there were 1000's and 500's and I had a feeling they weren't planted there.

It pays well and if someone's comfortable with it, I suppose it would be nice They are good and the one that came behind me when i was telling the others no thanks in an instant had the right muscles (nearly a sleeper point it felt so good) but I'm not much for a man touching me in the restroom so i turned to him and said no thank you, as well.

Many bathrooms I've gone in have had some type of attendant. It's to the facilities interest to have some bathroom lady cleaning after every person charging 10-20 baht at the door and also it's probably a crime deterrent. The owner doesn't have to fuss with the bathroom, it stays super clean and everyone wins. I don't mind a few baht but the massage and towel thing is a bit far. I have to say it's a good idea in a place where money is difficult to come by...might as well hit them up when they're drunk and get paid well.

Sounds like OP is stuck in tourist vacations based on the posts I read, though. FYI the best way to stop getting ripped off and to keep yourself safe is to befriend a local. Suddenly the taxi fare machines will work, you don't need a "guide" (for what?) and they find the BEST food at dirt cheap prices and fun things to do away from tourist traps like seafood by the gram restaurant scams and jewelry and tailor scams. If you truly need any of those services, have them do it and bring it to you or negotiate before you show your farang face.

[barrybankruad]

TIT mate. Think back and laugh it off. In many places they would mug you! What was the name of the disco again?

[barky]

On the odd occasion I have been in this situation, I make it clear right from the get go that I am NOT interested in their "scam" . If on the off chance they ignored my message and try to do something eg: massage/turn on tap/ hand me towel, I just ignore their out-stretched mit and walk out of the loo without giving them any money, but I always say thank you upon exiting, and I don't charge them for my politeness. I give them my "thank you" absolutely free.

[Mossfinn]

another hot number runs out in the same shorts,

Didn't she have her own?

[davyboy]

Thanks Paul, it's a long time since a TV post has made me laugh so much ! Well done!!

[longstebe]

Paul

This is actually a funny topic.

It took you a while to get to the point. Do you write books?

Anyway, I remember my first time in X-cite (i think thats right) in Pattaya.

I thought what the hel_l, enjoy it,20 baht tip, there ya go, thank you very much.

[IanForbes]

Great story, but not one I've thankfully encountered. However, I have been in mixed sex toilets where women and men are coming and going right beside me. I've been standing at an open urinal with women doing their nails right beside me. They were close enough to hold my private parts had they been so inclined.

[pattaya_girl]

Great story, but not one I've thankfully encountered. However, I have been in mixed sex toilets where women and men are coming and going right beside me. I've been standing at an open urinal with women doing their nails right beside me. They were close enough to hold my private parts had they been so inclined.

I hope you did'nt splash them Ian.

[PaulUSA302]

Good Post Paul. I have been to Mandalay myself (good memories).

I don't go into the Gents toilets but when I went into the Ladies, there is a huge selection of Make Up and a Lady rushes to welcome you with a piece of Toilet Tissue, and then she takes you to your cubicle and wipes the Toilet Seat and slowly walks away.

What will they think of next with regard to Tipping.

I wondered what type of treatment the ladies got when they visited the powder room in the same place. All I know is that once I started handing out money I think some of the people who came in to use the bathroom just got in line and held out their hands! haha!

It was a great experience that I could not wait to get home to tell my friends and family about. They would not believe it!

[Chaimai]

Great story - LONG but great !

Happened to me several times in Rayong Brew (once when Carabao were playing) - heck of a culture shock when it first happens and despite the natural reaction to close down all bodily functions I was determined to complete my "waz". I finished up tipping nearer to 100 for the 3 guys including the one who tried to lift me up and stretch and my spine !

[G54]

When I was doing my border crossings into Cambodia there was something similar, though not as all consuming, in the toilets at one of the bus stations. You walked in and a woman was in their to take care of you, fussing round you like crazy. At one point she was standing so close I thought she was going to hold my pecker for me as I urinated!!

Then she was on hand with a small hand towel as I washed my hands.

It can be a very daunting prospect especially when it is a woman doing these things in the mens room. I've certainly never experienced anything like it before.

[Texpat]

That's why I usually piss in a glass and leave it on someone else's table. Plunk a few ice cubes in for good measure.

[smokie36]

That's why I usually piss in a glass and leave it on someone else's table. Plunk a few ice cubes in for good measure.

Mai Tai anyone?

[Lopburi99]

Although, I admit, I never tell friends about the urinal massage when they come for the first time, it's hilarious.

Yeah I am sure it is hilarious!

I live a sheltered life here and never heard about a urinal massage. Glad I know about it now, just in case I ever am in such a situation. Now I know they just want tips. With several men groping all over me in the john, I would be scared silly they had something ELSE in mind.

Entertaining thread, thanks!

[MZurf]

That's why I usually piss in a glass and leave it on someone else's table. Plunk a few ice cubes in for good measure.

Mai Tai anyone?

If your urine looks like Mai Tai you need to see a doctor.....quickly!

[smokie36]

That's why I usually piss in a glass and leave it on someone else's table. Plunk a few ice cubes in for good measure.

Mai Tai anyone?

If your urine looks like Mai Tai you need to see a doctor.....quickly!

You just reminded me of a particularly pleasant visa run I once took after an all night cocktail session.

Never again

[vreemd13]

Great story, ............... , I have been in mixed sex toilets where women and men are coming and going right beside me. ..............

Just only in Thailand: mixed sex toilets????? You are kidding.

I visit one at a regular disco in old-fashioned conservative city Dallas - Texas - USA, already over 20 years ago. And for sure, there was much more going on for free, then just a shoulder massage for tip.

Just to warn you with my experience, it can happen everywhere, all the time.

But I agree, well written story, OP.

Edited July 15, 2009 by vreemd13

[Lopburi99]

Great story, ............... , I have been in mixed sex toilets where women and men are coming and going right beside me. ..............

Just only in Thailand: mixed sex toilets????? You are kidding.

...

Nope, no kidding. Although areas are marked for men or women, if one area is being cleaned or there is a line waiting to get in, toilet areas are often shared. Nobody is uncomfortable or acts embarrassed from what I've observed. I was surprised also at the nonchalance.