Elephant Jokes

[tuky]

Hey, any of your folks have more Elephant jokes?

Let me start...+

Well I couldn't help myself so it looks like I finished it too.

Q: Why do elephants have big ears?

A: Because Noddy would not pay the ransom!

Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?

A: Sir.

Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?

A: Anything you want, it can't hear you.

Q: Why do elephants drink so much?

A: To try to forget.

Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?

A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!

Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmellow?

A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.

Q: How do you get down from an elephant?

A: You don't, you get down from a duck.

Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?

A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.

Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?

A: An inside out elephant.

Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?

A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.

Q: What is grey and not there.

A: No elephants.

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?

A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.

Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?

A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?

A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?

A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!

Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?

A: Have you ever tried to iron one?

Q: How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

A: He paints his balls red and sits in a cherry tree. - similar joke - Q: Why do elephants paint their nuts red?

A: So they can hide in cherry trees.

Q: What's the loudest noise in the jungle?

A: A native eating cherries.

Q: How did Tarzan die?

A: Picking cherries.

Q: What's the fastest thing in the jungle?

A: A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries.

Q: How do you get an elephant to sit on a cherry tree?

A: Plant a seed and let the elephant stand on it.

Q: How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?

A: It doesn't, it gets down from a duck.

Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?

A: Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn (or wait for parachute practice.)

Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?

A: So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys.

Q: What sound do monkeys hate most?

A: Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...

Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was dead.

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?

A: It was glued to the first one.

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?

A: It thought it was a game.

Q: And why did the tree fall down?

A: It thought it was an elephant.

Q: What's the biggest drawback of the jungle?

A: An elephant's foreskin.

Q: Heard of the wallet made of elephant foreskin?

A: When you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.

Q: How many legs does an elephant have?

A: Four, two in the front, two in the back.

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?

A: Chicken's day off.

Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?

A: About 5 mph (8kph in the rest of the world)

Q: How do you know if you pass an elephant?

A: You can't get the toilet seat down.

Q: How do you get an elephant into a VW?

A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.

Q: What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug?

A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.

Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?

A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.

Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagon bug?

A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?

A: Footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?

A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?

A: Can't get the fridge door closed.

Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?

A: There's a VW bug parked outside it.

Q: How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?

A: Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge. A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's!

Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?

A: Open door, get two VW's out, put tarzan in, close door.

Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?

A: you can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO

Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?

A: You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!

Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?

A: The fridge isn't not large enough to hold them all.

Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?

A: Depends on the number of elephants.

Q: What did the fifth elephant in the VW bug discover?

A: The sun roof.

Q: The Lion (Animal king) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of them showed up except the elephants. Why?

A: They were stuck in the VW bug.

Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a VW bug?

A: None, the elephants are in there!

Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?

A: Optimistic!

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?

A: Free Parking.

Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?

A: Sole use of the elevator.

Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

A: Walk him and pitch to the girrafe!

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?

A: It's bike is outside.

Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?

A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.

Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?

A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.

Q. Why do elephants wear tiny green hats? A. To sneak across a pool table without being seen.

Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?

A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?

A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?

A: Elephino.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?

A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?

A: So that they don't sink in the sand.

Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?

A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.

Q: How do you get 1,000 elephants into a shopping cart at Safeway.

A: To get the answer, you'd better get the 'S' out of Safe and the 'F' out of the way.

Q. What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberries? A. They're both blue, except for the elephant.

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?

A: "Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."

Q: What did Jane say?

A: Here come the blueberries. (Jane was color blind)

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses on, coming over the hill?

A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.

Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?

A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons tons of bananas,.....

Q: How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree?

A: Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.

Q: What if you don't want to wait fifty years?

A: Parachute him from an airplane.

Q: Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon?

A: That's when the elephants are skydiving.

Q: Why are pygmies so short?

A: They climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon.

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?

A: From stamp out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?

A: From stamp out flaming ducks.

Q: Why are elephants feet shaped that way?

A: To fit on lily pads.

Q: Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon?

A: That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.

Q: Whay are frogs so short?

A: They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon.

Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?

A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.

Q: What is a furry alligator?

A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.

Q: Why are pygmies so short?

A: They can't tell time.

Q: What is that stuff between elephants toes?

A: Watchless natives.

Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?

A: 5 O'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..)

Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?

A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.

Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?

A: No? Well, it must work.

Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?

A: They're all on the same team.

Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you?

A: She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket.

Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?

A: Because they might let down their trunks.

Q. Why do elephants have four feet? A. Because lady elephants have big <deleted>.

Q: What do elephants use for tampons?

A: Sheep. Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?

A: Because sheep don't have strings.

Q: What do elephants use for condoms?

A: Snakes.

Q: What do elephants use for vibrators?

A: Epileptic pigmies.

Q: How do you know when an elephant has its period?

A: There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.

Q: What is an elephant's sex organ?

A: His foot... If he steps on you you're fuc_kED!

Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?

A: A pachydermatoligist.

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?

A: Take away his credit card.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?

A: A two-ton pickup.

Q: What did the female elephant say during sex?

A: "Can I be on top this time?"

Q: What did the elephant say to the nud_e man?

A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?

Q: Why do elephants have trunks?

A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.

Q: What do you do when you come across an elephant?

A: Wipe it off!

Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?

A: None of the offspring survived.

Q: How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying down in tall grass?

A: VERY attractive.

Q: How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in you're yard?

A: The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!

Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?

A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).

Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?

A: He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?

A: Cos(Theta) Note: Assumes |elephant| = |grape| = 1

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?

A: Zero - a mountain climber is a scaler.

Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?

A: Lots of room.

Q: What's grey and comes in quarts?

A: An elephant.

Q: What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?

A: Swim for your life!!

Q: Why do elephants lay on their backs?

A: To trip low flying canaries.

Q: Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass?

A: He wasn't laying on his back.

Q: Why do elephants have Big Ears?

A: Because Noddy won't pay the ransom. (somebody want to explain this for me?)

Q: Why don't you go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am?

A: Because the elephants are jumping from the trees.

Q: Why are pygmies so short?

A: Because the go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am.

Q: Whats that red stuff between elephants toes?

A: Slow pygmies.

Q: How can you tell when elephants have been making love in your back yard?

A: The fence is broken and one of your Hefty bags is gone.

Q: What do you do when you see a thousand elephants coming down the mountain slopes?

A: Swim for your life!

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant?

A: A dead ant.

Q: How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two, but you need a real big bulb.

Q: What does an elephant with a runny nose (trunk) need?

A: A blow job.

Q: How do you make an elephant fly?

A: Start with a 3 foot zipper.

Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?

A: An elephant with spare parts

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?

A: To pick up the squashed chicken.

Q: What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of your car?

A: Getting TWO elephants into the back seat of your car!

Q: What is more difficult than getting 2 elephants in the back seat of your car?

A: Getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car!!

Q: Whats more difficult than gettiny a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car?

A: Getting an elephant pregnant in the back seat of your car!

Q: What is the height of ambition?

A: An ant climbing an elephant's leg with the intention of rape.

Q: What's grey and puts out forest fires?

A: Smokey the Elephant.

Q: What do elephants use for condoms?

A: Garbage bags!

Q: What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?

A: You miss most of the picture!

Q: Why do pygmies wear giant condoms on their heads?

A: Because if an elephant steps on them, they're fuc_ked!

Q: What did one elephant say to the other elephant when he realized he'd stepped on a pygmie?

A: Look what I just stepped in!

Q: What do elephants use for slippers?

A: Sheep!

Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?

A: Nothing, peanuts can't talk.

Q: Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?

A: No? See, it works!!!

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rat?

A: A dead rat with an 18 inch asshol_e!

Q: What's big and green and slimy, and hangs from tall trees?

A: Elephant boogers.

Q: How many elephants can you fit into a Dodge?

A: 5. Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment.

Q: How do you know when an Elephant has been in the baby carriage?

A: By the footprints on the baby's forehead! (dam_n elephants get into everything!)

Q. What's the difference between a little moron and an elephant? A. About 20 pounds, but the elephant's gaining!

Q: How do you tell if there's an elephant under your bed?

A: Your nose touches the ceiling.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?!?

A: Silly, a mountain climber is a scaler and you can't cross a vector with a scalar!

Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?

A: Cinderelephant.

Q: What do you do with a elephant with 3 balls?

A: Walk him and pitch to the bear

Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?

A: About 40 lbs. Q: How do you equalize the two?

A: Feed the elephant. (From the "Canonical List of Sorority Girl Jokes")

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?

A: The 'Elephino!

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and an orangutan?

A: One dead ape with two-foot stretch marks.

Q: How dow you get an elephant to come in a thimble?

A: Stuff a bale of hay in it.

Q: How do you stuff a bale of hay in a thimble?

A: One straw at a time.

Q: What has 2 greay legs and 2 brown legs?

A: An elephant with diarrhea.

Edited July 21, 2009 by tuky

[tuky]

Well, I didn't make it to the end of the list.

Did anyone?

[njpski]

why did the elephant wear ripple soled shoes?

to give the pygmies a 50/50 chance

[warfie]

possibly a sub-topic of the "worst jokes" topic?

[njpski]

Harsh, very harsh 403

[Chung noi]

Q: Where's the box?

Q: What box?

A: The box you stood up on the kiss the Elephant's ass.

This was my Dad's old joke he would ask my Aunt from time to time. It never failed she would always ask "What box"......lol

*j*

[sbk]

Chicken's day off. I liked that one

[njpski]

Q: Where's the box?

Q: What box?

A: The box you stood up on the kiss the Elephant's ass.

This was my Dad's old joke he would ask my Aunt from time to time. It never failed she would always ask "What box"......lol

*j*

Hmmm - lost in translation

Edited July 25, 2009 by njpski