English Material For Thai Comedien.

[Eastender]

A friend of a friend is a Thai comedien usually performing in Bangkok (drum roll - cymbal). He speaks very little English but has asked for a funny line or two he can say to any farangs in his audience.

So, any ideas? Must be short and simple, not necessarily put downs.

[toastwars]

Take my mother in law.....please

for hecklers.."amazing isn't it......100000 sperm and you were the fastist"

[maxcherry]

Hope your buddy's english is good enough for this one:

A Thai guy was trying to exchange baht for sterling and asked the

teller,

"Why it change, yestoday I get two hunat pound fo baht - today I get a Hunat

eighty?"

The teller says, "fluctuations"

The Thai guy says "fluc you white guys too"

BOOM BOOM

[phazey]

"so i walked into a bar - OW!"

[andy50]

"a pint of beer and a sh*t sandwich please"---"" sorry sir, weve run out of bread" boom boom

Edited March 4, 2005 by andy50

[toastwars]

Whats brown and sticky?...a stick

[Shola]

Whats brown and sticky?...a stick

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

LOL!

I just gave that one to my hubby, I got a blank stare back!

Oh well they say English humour never translates!

[Pattaya_Fox]

Why don`t Sharks attack Lawyers?

Professional Courtesy..

[Pattaya_Fox]

Why don`t Oysters Give to Charity?

Beacause they`re Shellfish...

[taxexile]

Q: What's a thai girl's favorite holiday?

A: Erection day.

[chuchok]

Is there any farangs in the audience tonight?

have to be careful, they probably sneaked in with the humans

[Pattaya_Fox]

How do you make a blonde`s eyes sparkle?

Shine a torch in her ear...

[phazey]

Q: hey do you want to know what i found on the 'net today ?

A: four really big fish and a crab

[Pattaya_Fox]

How do you know when a Lawyer is Lying??

...His lips are moving..

[taxexile]

Peter Stringfellow and Elton john walking down kensington High Street

Peter sees a Blonde with her head stuck in some railings

so he gets her from behind and starts shagging her when he finishes he says cmon elton your turn.

elton replies no way am I putting my head in those ######in rails.

Elton John goes to a tattoist and asks for a tatto on his Dick.

the tattoist replies what do you want.

Elton replies a car

Tattoist says which one a porche ferrari etc

Elton replies better make it a 4 wheel drive its got a lotta shit to go through.

[phazey]

hmm hang on a moment. i thought this was UK humour thai style.....little one liners, situational things.......

...is this thing still on ??

[Pattaya_Fox]

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday??

..Tell her a Joke on a Wednesday..

[Pattaya_Fox]

Why are men with pierced ears better prepared for marriage??

..Because they`ve experienced pain and bought Jewellery.

[Pattaya_Fox]

If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking at the front door, who would you let in first??

..The dog because at least he`d shut up when he got inside..

[Jockstar]

What do you call a Pakastani lesbian?

Minge eeta.

Whats pink and hard?

A pig with a flick knife.

How do ya make a horemone?

Kick her in the fanny.

Do you have any Scottish in ya?(for the women)

No?

Do ya want some?

I'll get back to ya with more.

[Pattaya_Fox]

Whats the difference between a Lawyer and a Vampire??

...a Vampire only sucks blood at night.

[Rumpole]

What's the difference between a lawyer and a whore?

A whore stops screwing her clients when they're dead.

Edited March 4, 2005 by Rumpole

[Rumpole]

Why wasn't the Lord born in Thailand ?

Because they couldn't find three Wise Men and a Virgin.

[sriracha john]

Take my mother in law.....please

for hecklers.."amazing isn't it......100000 sperm and you were the fastist"

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

stolen from a buddy hackett show i saw in las vegas... to a female heckler...

"what are you doing in town? did your father get tired of &lt;deleted&gt;*king you?"

ouch!

[Gazza]

So I walks up to this lovely Thai girl and says "Prung Nee Wang Mai"

She says "Wang Kha" with a sexy look in her eye.

I says "Fukc Off you Bitch! Nobody calls me a &lt;deleted&gt;"

I walks up to this other girl and says "Do you wanna go for a pizza and then back to my place for a good fukc?"

She slapped my face and stormed off.

hmmpf! How was I supposed to know she doesn't like pizza?

Next time you eat rice contemplate something. Where does the rice farmer working in a field go when he wants to go to the toilet?

Edited March 4, 2005 by Gazza

[Abandon]

a country joke:

Q How do you get 100 old cows into a shed?

A Put a 'Bingo' sign out the front.

Tommy Cooper joke (also works in Thai)

I went to the doctor and said 'It hurts when I press here, here, and here.' He said 'You've broken your finger'

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

Q: Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused Novacane during root canal treatment?

A: He was attempting to transcend dental medication!

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness

[Eastender]

Thanks all.

I think very few would work for a Thai comedian with poor English and pronunciation, but never mind, keep em coming.

Can anyone think of some one liners relevant to a farang being in a mainly Thai audience?

[gavin hawaii]

Katoey has to pee and is with farang. Katoey tell farang she going powder her nose. Katoey returns and farang aksk "are you finished powdering your nose?"

Katoey replies yes. Farang says " You should close your purse you lipstick hanging out."

[gavin hawaii]

Katoey has to pee and is with farang.  Katoey tell farang she going powder her nose.  Katoey returns and farang aksk "are you finished powdering your nose?"

Katoey replies yes. Farang says " You should close your purse you lipstick hanging out."

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I apologize for the typos. I should have proof read better

[lional6]

How can you tell if a body on the road is farang or Thai, see if the tyre skid marks are before the body?