Life in thailand for a farang girl

[sbk]

OK, the farang girls seem to be a bit slow today so I will add my two cents worth. There's lots of things I have learned after living in rural thailand for the past 14 years but I guess if you were to ask me to narrow it down to a few really important things, first one would be appearance counts. How you look, dress, act, and speak are all things you will be judged on, especially as a girl. Conservative clothing, polite speech and polite behavior. heavy partying/multiple boyfriends will get you branded as easy. It seems unfair that the boys have all the fun and our lives have to be so circumspect but hey, this is thailand and if it is that awful we can either go about trying to make things better (albeit in a subtle manner) or go home. Second thing I would tell someone new (male and female) would be to very wary. Many people here (thai and farang included) can be very charming and persuasive. things are not always as they appear and frankly, anyone who calls me "my friend" is the first one i distrust. and the final point would be to compromise , remain true to yourself but always be willing to see the other person's point of view and regard their opinion as just as valid as yours, just different. so many relationships fail because either one or both parties are unwilling to meet in the middle. try to do some things the thai way; i have learned infinite patience and have learned to hold my temper in check because of living here. conversely, my husband has learned that mai pen rai may mean never mind but isn't always the best solution. he has learned that if there is something wrong he can fix, to go ahead and do it (and this means more than just handyman work around the house, altho that too!) he's also learned that it is ok to say no (try the ten million relatives all coming round to "borrow" 1000 baht) and not feel he has lost face. well, thats all very nutshell, i know, but as i think of more i will post it, would love to hear about other girls' experiences ....

[Boo]

Some very good advice from sbk here & I agree wholehartedly, especially about the new people that you meet. Just because someone is from the same country as you doesn't mean that they are going to be a decent person. There have been many stories of farang here in samui ripping off other farang for land, houses, business etc & the victims cannot beleive that their own country men could do this to them.

try to do some things the thai way; i have learned infinite patience and have learned to hold my temper in check because of living here. conversely, my husband has learned that mai pen rai may mean never mind but isn't always the best solution.

This is also something I learnt the hard way & after a few bad rows my fella & I realised that we had different ways of dealing with & expressing our problems, me shouting & him walking out! Remeber, if you have a thai partner, you have to understand that their way of dealing with things is sometimes frustratingly different to your own but as long as the comprimise is not all by you then things are easily worked out in the end. It is also difficult for them to be with a farang & to understand our ways too.How you look, dress, act, and speak are all things you will be judged on, especially as a girl. Conservative clothing, polite speech and polite behavior. heavy partying/multiple boyfriends will get you branded as easy.

This is also so true for us girls, it doesn't mean that you have to go out in a twin set & pearls & sit around like a boring betty but a longer skirt, top that covers your stomach & not too revealing up top can go a long way to people treating you with respect & keeping those bad boys away. If you are in a bar & are getting overzealous unwated attention from some guy, the way I always used to deal with it was to have a word with the staff & ask them to explain that you are not interested & that your freind/boyfriends etc is coming soon. That way the Thai guy doesn't loose face & can walk away with out giving you any extra hassle.

It's not an easy country to live in & even in a place as touristy as Samui you can commit so amazing faux pas, but most thais will forgive basic ignorance of most of their customs & with the right level of patience & tolerance of the mai pben rai attitude (which I find annnoying sometime) it can be a great life & pleace to live.

[sbk]

well, boo I can relate to your experiences of arguing with your thai partner. I learned to not shout and he learned to listen. and also to argue back. took quite a long time, mind you.

as for harassment by thai men, one thing that really helps is if you act really offended, then they realize you know the rules. I had some drunk guy on the boat touch my shoulder once (trying to get my attention), I jumped back and said in a completely offended tone (in thai) "what are you doing?" he stepped back and apologized over and over. they would not try this with a thai woman so there is no excuse (except lack of respect) for them to try it with a farang.

one of the most frustrating things i have found is the inability to make real friends with thai women. i just don't seem to have much in common with most of the local women -not that they aren't lovely, but we just don't have much to talk about. i don't have kids so, there isn't that and most of them haven't been anywhere (bangkok a couple of times probably) so they don't really understand my talk about other places. I keep trying but it's funny, how that just hasn't worked out but I can stay married for so long to a thai! it is an exasperating place to live, i agree, but then i don't live here because i want to live in thailand, I live here because my husband is thai. so, when i get really fed up, i step back and think, is it worth it? and the answer has always been "yes". so, here i am. most of the time I feel lucky  ::

[elfe]

hi sbk, just read your comments, been in europe for 2 weeks. interesting points, especially the one that you are living in thailand at first place because of your husband...wow...

as for me, I have been living in Thailand for 2 years before I met my Thai partner. I decided to live here because I love the people, culture, climate, nature, food, way of life etc. but was never interested to have a thai boyfriend, western men did more appeal to me. but as it happened, I'm very happy and it makes life even richer here.

as you mentioned making friends with thai women, I cannot agree in my experience. as for a friend I think it matters how you can get along and the personality and understanding and not the places she/he has been to. I'm sure there are loads of other things you could talk about with thai women apart from children or travelling. the fact that we are living in the same surroundings gives us heaps of things to talk about. and I know many thai women who have travelled quite a bit and are very interesting to talk to things other than babies, kitchen and shoppping. and also there is lots we can learn from each other, I always found it interesting. maybe you just haven't met the right ones - keep trying!

[sbk]

i guess its not that I am not friendly with local women but what i mean is a really good friend. I have plenty to talk about with the local women, but i am in a very, very rural area where most people here pretty much have the same conversations; among the men, it is usually fishing, gambling, weather (important when you are a fisherman!) and local gossip. among the women, it is children, gambling, weather and local gossip! ok, people also enjoy the usual "crazy farang" stories, of which there are many to tell! but no, i mean a close relationship like i have with a few friends at home seems to be out of reach. its not that i don't have anything to learn, but rather would like to have a friend that can understand my experiences as well. well, just keep trying i guess!

as for the last throw in comment, just some background i guess. I was teaching english in taiwan, studying mandarin when i came here for a holiday, met my husband, we fell in love and got married (long story made short). we lived in the US for awhile but decided to give here a go first. well, here we are, still here! so, i guess it must be working, but yes, if it weren't for my husband i would not be living here, its a great place, but he is the draw. guess that says alot about him, huh? i count myself lucky to have travelled halfway round the world to find my life partner.

[Boo]

I understand what you mean about a close relationship with thai women & I think this is mainly due to different educational levels, cultural upbringing & generally not having a common background with regards to silly things like tv shows you used to watch, laughing with girlfreinds about pop stars you used to have a crush on & all the other little things from your life elsewhere that make up the basis of getting to know people (this is especially important for women, as all the guys know, we can talk for hours about nothing, so trivia & such makes up an important part of our coversation!!!)

After 5 years here I still don't have a female thai freind that I would go to with my problems & without the small group of farang girls I have met who live here too, I would definatly go mad, so all power to you SBK for lasting so long & being seemingly normal

Like Elfe, I also came here alone & stayed as I loved the lifestyle, but in that time I travelled alot to Australia, New Zealand, South Africa as well as most of SE Asia too & used Thailand as my main base from where to travel, taking just a few months off every year to go somewhere else & like SBK, it was only after meeting my husband that I decided to stay permantly (apart from 2 months per year in UK) & I can say in all honesty, that if I hadn't met him when I did, I probably wouldn't have stayed as my travelling days were coming to an end & Samui was becoming stale for me (still is really). So now we are deciding where to go to start over & thats the hard part because having such a solid base of very good friends, starting over is a daunting prospect!

Any farang girls living near Khon Kaen???

[DaveYo]

Hi Boo, I am surprised after being there for that many years you not have a close girlfriend to confide in and with about personal things.

I think that is true to some extent that the Thais don't like to meddle in others affairs.  For example my wife, when she gets a call from her sister or from her brother and they are in some marital dispute, my wife mainly does show up but she basically keeps her mouth shut and just listens to the fireworks and barbs being traded around.   After that then she gets to speak to her brother or sister for a bit quietly and then she leaves to go home.

So I am just wondering if this is the Thai nature to mostly stay out of peoples business for the most part.  Even when its family they basically avoid confrontations or discussing of their own problems.

I have not gotten into any major issues with my wife as of yet, but from what I heard if such does occur, it can get really hairy and ugly at times.  All I know is when a Thai woman gets mad, she really lets you know big time.   I only saw it once at the World Trade Center when the wife came out crying from the store with the kids in tow, and then she unleashes her fury at the husband.  I watched the husband, and he kept his distance putting the kids between her and him and he kept his hands in his pockets with his head looking like he is bewildered and keeping his mouth shut.  The woman kept going at it even out to the street as they looked for a cab.   Whew.

Hey by the way Boo, still waiting for your information.  I really am curious and would like to know.

:blues:

[sbk]

Boo, i agree, it takes shared experiences --of which not too many women here have. there are a few thai women (with farang husbands mind you) that i find  have a similar kind of background/experiences but have found that they (all two of them!) prefer thai friends, much more of a similarity and understanding, which I can completely understand. yes, i do have a few farang female friends but not too many hvae lasted as long as me, well, those that have moved back to their home countries with their husbands so their kids could go to school.

Daveyo, yeah, i think thai people don't really confide in each other so i probably expect too much. just wishful thinking as i am sure we all get from time to time. my husband has told me that he really has only one good friend, one he made as a child and that he believes its true for most people. i think part of it is the fear of losing face admitting to personal problems.

as for thai women getting angry, I have seen quite a few go right off, i think its because they suppress their anger for so long that it just reaches boiling point (same is true for thai men but they tend to get violent instead of screaming). we live next door to a little lao kao shop where all the local fishermen congregate and every once in a while you will hear someone's wife come looking for him, screaming her head off. since i am not on the receiving end, it can be quite funny, usually 'cause the guy is totally drunk and just kind of slurs at the poor woman.

[Boo]

Hi Dave, It's not that I haven't got good Thai female friends but it's just that I prefer to discuss my personal matters with my farang female freinds here rather than them. One of the reason being that I can trust my farang friends to keep my confidences private & with the thai girls have found that they tend to tell their husbands everything after I have spilled my heart & feelings to them, & I really don't like knowing that my personal things have been discussed around the thai population, also, as my husband is thai, it is not fair for him that I confess problems about our relationship to other thais knowing that some of these women are married to freinds of his & that they (the men) know details of our problems as I feel that it is up to him whether or not to talk to his freinds about us.

With the farang girls, we usually have similar problems with regards to our husbands/b/f's, so talking to each other helps us understand a bit more & also we can be assured that our confidences will stay private.(an unwritten rule)

I have found that when thai have a problem, they keep it all inside & then just explode whereas farang express their anger instantly & this was something my husband could never understand until a thai friend, after witnessing a fight one night, explained to him that this was the farang way & that he should'nt just clam up & walk away but stay & shout too. This was a liberating experience for him & made me feel like we were getting somewhere with our problems as there is nothing more frustrating than wanting to shout things out & having those things unresolved becase he has walked out of the house. Now when we do (very rarely) have a fight, we shout & scream & occasionally throw things but the air is cleared & we can move on