Do Thai People Even Like Us ? Or Aare We Just Atms

[Crushdepth]

A buffalo calling you a buffalo should say it all. Water off a duck's back mate.

I agree, don't worry about being insulted by a peanut.

Re. buying whiskey for 'the family', one of my ex's who was fairly well off used to have to give money/buy whiskey for her dad and his friends whenever she went home. So don't feel singled out, it happens to Thai people as well.

[Ijustwannateach]

What silliness.

If you frequently meet Thais who only care about your money- then you need to look at the way you are meeting people and change it. That, and don't put up with it when it happens. No one can take advantage of you without your permission.

[noahvail]

This thread has reminded me of just how lucky I am. Living in a little town in Issan, happily married... my wife has never asked for money. She told me that her younger brother (pretty much subsistence farming, as opposed to the other siblings with uni educations) needed 1,200 baht for a small piece of equipment and simply didn't have the money. I said ok, I'll give him the money. She jumped down my throat! Her brother is a proud man, and would never accept a gift of money; is there something he can do to *earn* the money from you? We settled on a couple of ramps for 1,000 baht. Of course, I overpaid, but he got to keep face, I got something I didn't expect, and everybody goes on their way happy.

As the locals got to understand me, the sniggering and finger-pointing and 'farang' started to go away. I've developed a group of friends, and from time to time we meet up and have a drink or three. About once every three months I buy a large bottle of regency - and no one complains. And I've found out that these friends are indeed friends - that they stand up for me when I'm not there. And they also know that I've got less than no money, because I've borrowed to get the truck and the bike. I tell them I'm just renting them from the bank, and I get knowing smiles. They do the same.

Six months ago I was giving serious thought to getting out of Issan. Now I can't think of any reason to leave.

Edited November 11, 2009 by noahvail

[sassienie]

It`s really the responsibility of the OPs wife to sort this out.

My Thai wife and I married in 1987, England.

I first visited her parents in 1989, Chiang Mai. Right from the start my mother in law addressed me as the Farang and not by my name, she was constantly sniggling at me as if I was some sort of novelty act out of a circus and when I sat next to her, she would jump up and sit somewhere else.

This went on for several years. In 1994 my wife, daughter and I came to live in Chiang Mai for a year.

My mother in law still continued treating me as if I just arrived from the planet Mercury.

Than enough was enough. I told my wife that unless your mother begins treating me with some respect and as a son in law the same as the rest of the family, I'm walking out of here, your family will never receive another baht from me and I will tell everyone that I am not welcome by your family.

Later that day, my wife took her mother aside and had words. Since than, my mother in law and I have been the best of friends.

So the answer is; if you are not comfortable with the attitudes of your wife's family, make them aware of it and put your foot down.

PS: The sooner the OP learns to speak and understand at least some basic Thai, the better.

Usually - and I am not of course saying in your case - changing from calling you farang, moving away from you to being best friends after a word from the wife would show a lack of sincerity and being pragmatic. The Thai smile and appearance of getting on is different from being good friends, usually.

Yes, what you say is correct to a point.

But one never knows what people are thinking or their feelings towards them, Thai or otherwise.

Life is really a big act, full of etiquette, false politeness and insincerity.

The old saying, one only discovers who are they’re true friends in times or need. I`ve had my bad moments in life and always felt let down by those around me. I`m sure many of you have experienced the same.

But two wrongs don`t make a right and I do try my best to be sincere. Take me for who and what I am or lump it, that`s my motto

It is a good thing that technology hasn’t contrived something that enables people to read our thoughts; otherwise I think we would all be in for some great disappointments.

[sokal]

Just some bigotry going around, that doesnt mean they hate you. Why do allot of the girls want farangs and want a half farang kid if they hate us ?

That last part of your reply shows that you haven't been here long enough yet,otherwise you would know the answer to your own question.

Hate is a powerful word

I doubt a Lebanese woman would want a Jewish boyfriend and half Jewish Jewish kid just for the money.

[sokal]

Just some bigotry going around, that doesnt mean they hate you. Why do allot of the girls want farangs and want a half farang kid if they hate us ?

Let me answer that one

Its because they hope to get good looking whitish thai kid who will possibly become a star on a thai soap and make mum rich later on

Im being serious,an ex told me this,really..and she was not joking she actually believed it

And why is there white people in the soaps ?

why is there white people in all the fasion adds in the malls ?

Like I said, allot might think farangs are jackasses but that is not hate, its bigotry.

[rolypie]

To be called kwai is trully disrespectfull and you should have belted the cheaky get in the mouth, under no circumstances let any body say that to you as it will just be the start of things to come. Learn as much laos as possible as quick as possible.

I know many swear words but NEVER use them. You will be suprised how people change around you when they think you can understand more thai than you let on.

[sassienie]

Just some bigotry going around, that doesnt mean they hate you. Why do allot of the girls want farangs and want a half farang kid if they hate us ?

That last part of your reply shows that you haven't been here long enough yet,otherwise you would know the answer to your own question.

Hate is a powerful word

I doubt a Lebanese woman would want a Jewish boyfriend and half Jewish Jewish kid just for the money.

Good point that.

So what does it mean?

Thai women are sluts and have no pride? Thay want our money? They want fair skinned kids? They really do love us?

I don`t know. Maybe someone on here can take an educated guess at the reasons why.

Edited November 11, 2009 by sassienie

[phetaroi]

Very tired yesterday, perhaps because I am just getting over the flu, so I went to bed quite early...and of course, woke up quite early. And when I woke up, I found myself thinking about this thread.

I just wanted to share a few of my own experiences. A little background, my Thai SO and I have known each other since about 1990, then last year when I retired, plans were firmed up between us to have a "real" relationship on my "retirement visa". The first six months have been great, almost perfect, not to say there hasn't been a period of adjustment.

I was quite apprehensive about meeting the family in -- guess where -- Issan. The first day we spent in Pak Chong. This time the family living there came to the resort where we were staying near Khao Yai, and we had a marvelous time. The children had already been taught to call me "Khun Vincent", and I never heard any reference by anyone about "farang". Then on to a hamlet near Nakhon Ratchasima to meet the brother and sisters. No mention of "farang". Always "Khun Vincent", or even "brother". BTW, lest you are thinking, "Well, they must be rich Thai." No, poor rice farmers, moderate somewhat communal Thai family house/plot, they chew betel. They are building an indoor bathroom for me because they assume farang cannot use outhouse (which was pretty decent)...and they are right. I suggested to my SO that I contribute to the cost of the bathroom...no, not a good precedent and they are doing it for me. When they call us in Bangkok, it's always "Khun Vincent", and they always want to know when I will come to stay overnight.

The thread has been thought provoking for me. I need to get off my ass and learn Thai (I've been very lazy about this, although it was going to be my first big effort at adjusting). And one of the first things I will learn is, "My name is not farang, it is Vincent." Although I don't find the word farang to be offensive -- it has its place -- for interpersonal relationships, I will set that standard. And, as I read through the thread, it began to dawn on me that we, as the outsiders, can set a personal standard for interaction. We don't have to be rude about it or aggressive, but as sassienie said below, we can out our foot down...without stomping on anyone's feelings. That doesn't mean that we have to have our way in everything -- and I doubt we could. But, we can always walk away from a person or situation.

And this setting standards has been the basis of my relationship with my SO. There are very few things I have insisted have to be my way. In fact, the only thing I can think of so far is food cleanliness. There is no more rice (or anything else) left out all night and then eating it the next day. In the morning, anything left out went right in the trash. It only took a few times for the message to get across. Now, right after dinner my SO puts all the food in the refrigerator and in appropriate containers. We had no words about, although it was lightly discussed. And I made it clear that this was one thing that I was firm on. Things changed.

As I read TV on a daily basis, it seems that most farang on here are either in a rant, or at least steaming on the inside. That's not very Thai.

"Than enough was enough. I told my wife that unless your mother begins treating me with some respect and as a son in law the same as the rest of the family, I'm walking out of here, your family will never receive another baht from me and I will tell everyone that I am not welcome by your family.

Later that day, my wife took her mother aside and had words. Since than, my mother in law and I have been the best of friends.

So the answer is; if you are not comfortable with the attitudes of your wife's family, make them aware of it and put your foot down.

PS: The sooner the OP learns to speak and understand at least some basic Thai, the better.

This thread has reminded me of just how lucky I am. Living in a little town in Issan, happily married... my wife has never asked for money. She told me that her younger brother (pretty much subsistence farming, as opposed to the other siblings with uni educations) needed 1,200 baht for a small piece of equipment and simply didn't have the money. I said ok, I'll give him the money. She jumped down my throat! Her brother is a proud man, and would never accept a gift of money; is there something he can do to *earn* the money from you? We settled on a couple of ramps for 1,000 baht. Of course, I overpaid, but he got to keep face, I got something I didn't expect, and everybody goes on their way happy.

As the locals got to understand me, the sniggering and finger-pointing and 'farang' started to go away. I've developed a group of friends, and from time to time we meet up and have a drink or three. About once every three months I buy a large bottle of regency - and no one complains. And I've found out that these friends are indeed friends - that they stand up for me when I'm not there. And they also know that I've got less than no money, because I've borrowed to get the truck and the bike. I tell them I'm just renting them from the bank, and I get knowing smiles. They do the same.

Six months ago I was giving serious thought to getting out of Issan. Now I can't think of any reason to leave.

[MrHammer]

if they don't respect you then it is a pretty sure bet your woman doesn't either. if she did she would be adamant in your defense.

it is a situation of your own creation.

<deleted> !

She's been his wife for 4 years and, according to him, has never asked him for a penny. Perhaps she can't be as vocal in his defense because of her adherence to rules of family hierarchy or something like that.

As to whether Thais like us or not, I think it's just down to the way they perceive the individual. If a farang's an arse, then he's an arse to a Thai and/or another farang. Same goes if he's a diamond.

I'm English born of Caribbean parents and I've had no problems whatsoever with Thais in the brief 18 months I've been here. Sure, they try to knock me when I buy stuff but anyone with a modicum of common sense can spot it a mile off and a firm stare always prompts an apologetic smile and a swift recalculation of the price. I've got Thai friends - male and female - who treat me very well and show me the kind of respect I show them.

Personally, I'd NEVER have a Thai girlfriend/wife unless she'd spent a considerable amount of time in a Western environment. The culture is just too at odds with my English values and, frankly, I've not met any Thai girls - hi or lo-so - that warrant the degree of cultural compromise necessary to make anything more than a casual fling worthwhile but fairplay to the O.P. for making it work for 4 years.

There you go, a very reasonable post! I could have written it myself. I also don't see myself going Thai - ever. If I married Thai, I'd get out of Thailand.

[Ulysses G.]

Just some bigotry going around, that doesnt mean they hate you. Why do allot of the girls want farangs and want a half farang kid if they hate us ?

That last part of your reply shows that you haven't been here long enough yet,otherwise you would know the answer to your own question.

Hate is a powerful word

I doubt a Lebanese woman would want a Jewish boyfriend and half Jewish Jewish kid just for the money.

Of course they would. That is only because of the pressures from family and Lebonese society, otherwise, if they liked the guy, they would go for the cash.

[MrHammer]

I've never lived in Isaan and I don't think I will either.

I do think that respect is very important. If I were to settle down ANYWHERE, if I felt people in general disrespected me, then I would leave. Luckily I feel that the Thais I meet and know respect me as I have not given them any reason not to. If I had felt that those that KNEW me disrespected me, then I would be bothered.

Let's not fool ourselves. No matter how you present yourself here, there will always be racism and bigotry in everyday life from strangers. I guess, if you can't handle that, then it's time to move home to your own people.

[sokal]

Just some bigotry going around, that doesnt mean they hate you. Why do allot of the girls want farangs and want a half farang kid if they hate us ?

That last part of your reply shows that you haven't been here long enough yet,otherwise you would know the answer to your own question.

Hate is a powerful word

I doubt a Lebanese woman would want a Jewish boyfriend and half Jewish Jewish kid just for the money.

Of course they would. That is only because of the pressures from family and Lebonese society, otherwise, if they liked the guy, they would go for the cash.

No they wouldn't.

Why has Osama Binladen not been found considering he has a 50 million dollar bounty on his head ? Go for the cash ? yeah right

[Lite Beer]

Post containing derogatory remarks about Thai's deleted.

Forum Rule.

8) Not to post extremely negative views of Thailand or derogatory comments directed towards all Thais.

[joorakee]

Reading threads like this convinces me that it is better to stay away from the marriage scene for our own sake.

Remember: you never marry a girl - you marry into the whole family (and sometimes also their neighbours and neighbours' neighbours ). I love the expression 'extended family'.

[Ulysses G.]

Why has Osama Binladen not been found considering he has a 50 million dollar bounty on his head ?

We paid off our enemies in Iraq and now they are helping us. Cash is King.

Bin Ladin has not been found because he is somewhere so primitive that the people are too afraid to turn him in and so brainwashed that they do not believe that they would be paid anyway.

Edited November 12, 2009 by Ulysses G.

[bonobo]

HardenedSoul and phetaroi,

Two well-thought out posts, one showing a degree of maturity sometimes lacking here in TV and one showing a very positive but not a Thai-apologist view of living in Issan and how to adjust.

Thanks.

[caf]

Very tired yesterday, perhaps because I am just getting over the flu, so I went to bed quite early...and of course, woke up quite early. And when I woke up, I found myself thinking about this thread.

I just wanted to share a few of my own experiences. A little background, my Thai SO and I have known each other since about 1990, then last year when I retired, plans were firmed up between us to have a "real" relationship on my "retirement visa". The first six months have been great, almost perfect, not to say there hasn't been a period of adjustment.

I was quite apprehensive about meeting the family in -- guess where -- Issan. The first day we spent in Pak Chong. This time the family living there came to the resort where we were staying near Khao Yai, and we had a marvelous time. The children had already been taught to call me "Khun Vincent", and I never heard any reference by anyone about "farang". Then on to a hamlet near Nakhon Ratchasima to meet the brother and sisters. No mention of "farang". Always "Khun Vincent", or even "brother". BTW, lest you are thinking, "Well, they must be rich Thai." No, poor rice farmers, moderate somewhat communal Thai family house/plot, they chew betel. They are building an indoor bathroom for me because they assume farang cannot use outhouse (which was pretty decent)...and they are right. I suggested to my SO that I contribute to the cost of the bathroom...no, not a good precedent and they are doing it for me. When they call us in Bangkok, it's always "Khun Vincent", and they always want to know when I will come to stay overnight.

The thread has been thought provoking for me. I need to get off my ass and learn Thai (I've been very lazy about this, although it was going to be my first big effort at adjusting). And one of the first things I will learn is, "My name is not farang, it is Vincent." Although I don't find the word farang to be offensive -- it has its place -- for interpersonal relationships, I will set that standard. And, as I read through the thread, it began to dawn on me that we, as the outsiders, can set a personal standard for interaction. We don't have to be rude about it or aggressive, but as sassienie said below, we can out our foot down...without stomping on anyone's feelings. That doesn't mean that we have to have our way in everything -- and I doubt we could. But, we can always walk away from a person or situation.

And this setting standards has been the basis of my relationship with my SO. There are very few things I have insisted have to be my way. In fact, the only thing I can think of so far is food cleanliness. There is no more rice (or anything else) left out all night and then eating it the next day. In the morning, anything left out went right in the trash. It only took a few times for the message to get across. Now, right after dinner my SO puts all the food in the refrigerator and in appropriate containers. We had no words about, although it was lightly discussed. And I made it clear that this was one thing that I was firm on. Things changed.

As I read TV on a daily basis, it seems that most farang on here are either in a rant, or at least steaming on the inside. That's not very Thai.

"Than enough was enough. I told my wife that unless your mother begins treating me with some respect and as a son in law the same as the rest of the family, I'm walking out of here, your family will never receive another baht from me and I will tell everyone that I am not welcome by your family.

Later that day, my wife took her mother aside and had words. Since than, my mother in law and I have been the best of friends.

So the answer is; if you are not comfortable with the attitudes of your wife's family, make them aware of it and put your foot down.

PS: The sooner the OP learns to speak and understand at least some basic Thai, the better.

This thread has reminded me of just how lucky I am. Living in a little town in Issan, happily married... my wife has never asked for money. She told me that her younger brother (pretty much subsistence farming, as opposed to the other siblings with uni educations) needed 1,200 baht for a small piece of equipment and simply didn't have the money. I said ok, I'll give him the money. She jumped down my throat! Her brother is a proud man, and would never accept a gift of money; is there something he can do to *earn* the money from you? We settled on a couple of ramps for 1,000 baht. Of course, I overpaid, but he got to keep face, I got something I didn't expect, and everybody goes on their way happy.

As the locals got to understand me, the sniggering and finger-pointing and 'farang' started to go away. I've developed a group of friends, and from time to time we meet up and have a drink or three. About once every three months I buy a large bottle of regency - and no one complains. And I've found out that these friends are indeed friends - that they stand up for me when I'm not there. And they also know that I've got less than no money, because I've borrowed to get the truck and the bike. I tell them I'm just renting them from the bank, and I get knowing smiles. They do the same.

Six months ago I was giving serious thought to getting out of Issan. Now I can't think of any reason to leave.

A good post.

"Steaming on the inside" is actually very Thai ( and other far east ). Though outwardly smiling and not showing true feelings.

Interesting that everyone called you khun.... Was that at your gf s instigation knowing your views on the use of farang?

In a normal situation you would hear farang if they don't know your name, and children and those of around your age would use words other than khun. A child in a family you know well would may call you grandfather ( depending also on whether you know the father or the mother better) or uncle if not known so well or lung farang if they dont know your name.

And who makes the first wai?

Edited November 12, 2009 by caf

[longstebe]

Until the goverment says otherwise, I'm here to stay so they better get used to it.

If someone don't like you, tough titty. Like Bkk James said 'water off a ducks back'.

They will get the message soon enough when your not buying the whisky. Stick to your guns.

My in-laws know I'm a tight <deleted> and if they speak behind my back it's up to them. I wont lose sleep.

Keep smiling .

[phetaroi]

Interesting that everyone called you khun.... Was that at your gf s instigation knowing your views on the use of farang?

In a normal situation you would hear farang if they don't know your name, and children and those of around your age would use words other than khun. A child in a family you know well would may call you grandfather ( depending also on whether you know the father or the mother better) or uncle if not known so well or lung farang if they dont know your name.

And who makes the first wai?

My guess is that calling me Khun Vincent was a stated expectation in advance, although unbeknown to me.

The whole farang thing doesn't bother me if you are strangers. When I walk in a non-touristy place and I hear the excited children ("frang, farang!") it just makes me laugh and I usually make a point of coming face to face and attempting to talk to them.

I once asked one of my Thai students in America if he thought "farang" was derogatory. His answer was yes or no, depends on the context. I asked him how he liked be a farang. Of course, he said "I am not farang because I am Thai." I said, "But you are living in America now, so here you are farang." There was a silence, the wheels started turning, and then a big smile and laugh.

Not only who makes the first wai, but is it a wai or handshake. I've tried both approaches, and half the time whichever I do, they have already gone the other way.

[maccaroni man]

Interesting that everyone called you khun.... Was that at your gf s instigation knowing your views on the use of farang?

In a normal situation you would hear farang if they don't know your name, and children and those of around your age would use words other than khun. A child in a family you know well would may call you grandfather ( depending also on whether you know the father or the mother better) or uncle if not known so well or lung farang if they dont know your name.

And who makes the first wai?

My guess is that calling me Khun Vincent was a stated expectation in advance, although unbeknown to me.

The whole farang thing doesn't bother me if you are strangers. When I walk in a non-touristy place and I hear the excited children ("frang, farang!") it just makes me laugh and I usually make a point of coming face to face and attempting to talk to them.

I once asked one of my Thai students in America if he thought "farang" was derogatory. His answer was yes or no, depends on the context. I asked him how he liked be a farang. Of course, he said "I am not farang because I am Thai." I said, "But you are living in America now, so here you are farang." There was a silence, the wheels started turning, and then a big smile and laugh.

Not only who makes the first wai, but is it a wai or handshake. I've tried both approaches, and half the time whichever I do, they have already gone the other way.

actually your students reaction to the question speakes volumes about the difference in attitudes towards immigrants in america vs thailand. your student must not have been made to feel out of touch or unwelcome where as that is typically not the case in the los.

[Birdman]

Of course if someone appears like a Sean Connery everyone here will Khun you

and imagine you are a polite white student in Africa and your black teacher says, that you are also a black person here because you live in Africa now...

[MrFrank]

Some interesting and informative discussion here and I'd just like to add my bit, based on my time in a rather busy village near the Cambodian border amongst extended family etc., while building a house and afterwards.

My tips for OP:

1. Lighten up about people discussing you. Wherever you go people will have varying opinions of you, whether you hear them or not (or they just won't notice you, as in most western cities). In a small, poor village where not much happens you will inevitably be a point of interest and conversation and whether or not it turns positive or negative will depend largely on how you respond. The guy in the shop may, quite possibly, have been teasing the girls about their chances of landing a farang husband like you. Even if not, if you smile and attempt to join in the joke you'll improve your overall reputation as someone that is OK to have around.

As for the "farang" thing; most Thais use it with no malice or judgement so it's not worth worrying about.

2. You certainly shouldn't hand out cash willy-nilly, but spending it on other people in an appropriate and sociable way will make life for you, your wife and your wife's family much easier. Like it or not, you have a certain status in the village, along with your new family, and everyone will be more comfortable if you play along with it.

Uncles, brothers, friends, passers by etc who ask for whisky or whatever usually know that they're trying it on and are often just trying to engage you in a bit of banter. Make a joke of it and deflect onto other idle chit-chat (which is easier if the person concerned has an iguana on his head, as was sometimes the case in our village) and no-one will be offended. However, on regular occasions it is worth getting a load of beer and whisky in and and letting everyone drink themselves stupid at your expense. It doesn't cost much, it demonstrates that you are sociable and generous and it can be a lot of fun.

It's also worth giving your father-in-law a gift that he can show off (e.g a watch or sunglasses) so that he maintains some status and is more relaxed about you suddenly becoming the big guy in the family.

3. Avoid confrontation when dealing with requests for money by delegating "hand-out" authority to your wife so that she is the one who actually handles the cash. If you are asked directly for help with buffalo expenses, motorbike payments, medical bills, party funding etc you can shrug and indicate that it will depend on the decision of your wife. (This eliminates a lot of the requests that have already been tried on your wife and failed, hence their approach to you.) If your wife is approached directly she can consult with you and, if necessary, claim that you have refused, thus saving her a measure of confrontation.

In this way your wife can also identify the requests that are worthy (and there are sure to be some; e.g temple contributions, toilet repairs for grandma) so that you can maintain your reputation as someone who is a properly functioning part of the family / community.

Overall, be consistently cheerful and friendly and you'll find that living in a Thai village can be a very enjoyable and surprisingly non-mercenary experience. I certainly miss it.

[villagefarang]

Not bad.

[phetaroi]

actually your students reaction to the question speakes volumes about the difference in attitudes towards immigrants in america vs thailand. your student must not have been made to feel out of touch or unwelcome where as that is typically not the case in the los.

I take it you're not American?

[pjclark1]

"im currently building a place in issan ..........."

Classic buffalo behaviour.

"i think this prick was saying to papa that he had a buffalo .........."

He clearly knows you are building a place in Issan.

Sorry to say it but you appear to be fitting into the classic 'buffalo' profile, as defined by the Thai people. When will western men ever learn, don't build or buy something you can't ever own.

[thaihome]

...

3. Avoid confrontation when dealing with requests for money by delegating "hand-out" authority to your wife so that she is the one who actually handles the cash. If you are asked directly for help with buffalo expenses, motorbike payments, medical bills, party funding etc you can shrug and indicate that it will depend on the decision of your wife. (This eliminates a lot of the requests that have already been tried on your wife and failed, hence their approach to you.) If your wife is approached directly she can consult with you and, if necessary, claim that you have refused, thus saving her a measure of confrontation.

In this way your wife can also identify the requests that are worthy (and there are sure to be some; e.g temple contributions, toilet repairs for grandma) so that you can maintain your reputation as someone who is a properly functioning part of the family / community.

That is exactly how my wife and have handled this for some 10 years now.

TH

[kikoman]

I have lived in Thailand for 8 eight years, I have found the Thais to be friendly,accommodating and good friends. Once I left Pattaya and move to Sattahip where I met Thais on a personal level, as friends, neighbors,etc. I have had a great personal interaction with my Thai friends, I had no problem buying the whiskey and after a while our group started taking turns buying the whiskey.

I do not know how it started but the Thai's call me Loung Dan "Uncle Dan" (even my mother in law)

You must understand that not all Thai parents are happy that their daughter married an old man.

I move to a central province village, I am the only ":Falang" in the village and I attract a lot of attention because of that.

I treat all people as my equals and have never had problems.

I love Thailand, and plan to be buried here!

[mixxman]

Some interesting and informative discussion here and I'd just like to add my bit, based on my time in a rather busy village near the Cambodian border amongst extended family etc., while building a house and afterwards.

My tips for OP:

1. Lighten up about people discussing you. Wherever you go people will have varying opinions of you, whether you hear them or not (or they just won't notice you, as in most western cities). In a small, poor village where not much happens you will inevitably be a point of interest and conversation and whether or not it turns positive or negative will depend largely on how you respond. The guy in the shop may, quite possibly, have been teasing the girls about their chances of landing a farang husband like you. Even if not, if you smile and attempt to join in the joke you'll improve your overall reputation as someone that is OK to have around.

As for the "farang" thing; most Thais use it with no malice or judgement so it's not worth worrying about.

2. You certainly shouldn't hand out cash willy-nilly, but spending it on other people in an appropriate and sociable way will make life for you, your wife and your wife's family much easier. Like it or not, you have a certain status in the village, along with your new family, and everyone will be more comfortable if you play along with it.

Uncles, brothers, friends, passers by etc who ask for whisky or whatever usually know that they're trying it on and are often just trying to engage you in a bit of banter. Make a joke of it and deflect onto other idle chit-chat (which is easier if the person concerned has an iguana on his head, as was sometimes the case in our village) and no-one will be offended. However, on regular occasions it is worth getting a load of beer and whisky in and and letting everyone drink themselves stupid at your expense. It doesn't cost much, it demonstrates that you are sociable and generous and it can be a lot of fun.

It's also worth giving your father-in-law a gift that he can show off (e.g a watch or sunglasses) so that he maintains some status and is more relaxed about you suddenly becoming the big guy in the family.

3. Avoid confrontation when dealing with requests for money by delegating "hand-out" authority to your wife so that she is the one who actually handles the cash. If you are asked directly for help with buffalo expenses, motorbike payments, medical bills, party funding etc you can shrug and indicate that it will depend on the decision of your wife. (This eliminates a lot of the requests that have already been tried on your wife and failed, hence their approach to you.) If your wife is approached directly she can consult with you and, if necessary, claim that you have refused, thus saving her a measure of confrontation.

In this way your wife can also identify the requests that are worthy (and there are sure to be some; e.g temple contributions, toilet repairs for grandma) so that you can maintain your reputation as someone who is a properly functioning part of the family / community.

Overall, be consistently cheerful and friendly and you'll find that living in a Thai village can be a very enjoyable and surprisingly non-mercenary experience. I certainly miss it.

why is it always the guys who get along along give money appropriately! what is appropriate?

[thefalang]

I think it's fairer to say they put up with us. It is ofcourse better to learn the language, although be prepared to hear some things said that you won;t like!

This all said, i have met some of the nicest, kindest people here on Samui and you have to remember that every country have their "zenophobes". I still hold the opinion that if you are polite and respectful here you will have few if any problems and that certainly is not the case in many other countries.

Thailand is an extremely xenophic country. How many caucasian or blacks do you see with a Thai passport? Even the Chinese who were allowed to immigrate here many years ago were forced to change their names to a Thai name.

For a typical Thai mindset, there's a Thai and then there's the rest of the world...