How Do I Politely Decline Interest Shown In Me?

Erawan · April 7, 2005

Hmpf... sometimes the interest is flattering, but at other times, it's not wanted. I'm a heterosexual male and have no current plans to bat for the other team. Could you gents please tell me how I can make it clear that I'm not interested without coming across as rude?

Being friends is ok, I've given my number out to a few guys, but I think some of them have got the wrong idea or are holding out for something that's not going to happen. Perhaps I'm giving them false hope by giving them my number in the first place. I don't know so many people at the moment, so I'm open to offers. And if we're talking about other kinds of offers, starting price is at Bt 5,000

PvtDick · April 7, 2005

How about "no thanks, I'm into chicks"?

Ijustwannateach · April 7, 2005

If they are not being unignorably blunt, then ignore them- they should get the hint. If they are so rude as to make an obvious pass even when their hints have been ignored, stare at them a moment as if they've gone crazy and walk away [and let them save face by never mentioning it again]. It's rude and socially dysfunctional to ignore hints, even if you're obsessed with someone- so no need to be polite if they are too persistent.

"Steven"

Sandy · April 7, 2005

Easy, just tell them you guys are only "puen" (friends). They should understand that right away.

Steve2UK · April 7, 2005

If they speak English, a big appreciative smile and you say "Oh, thank you very much, but I am not gay. We are just friends, OK?". My Thai is only at the beginner stage (and I left my copy of "Thai for Gay Lovers" with the BF in Thailand) but maybe this would do it (needless to say, also with a big appreciative smile):

kawp khun mahk krub...... pom mai rai-ruam-peet. Poo-en OK mai

(others can correct my Thai if they know better)

As IJWT says, they just shouldn't push the matter once you've sent out the message - so no need for you to feel you're being rude. But don't forget that smile - it smooths everything away.

ProThaiExpat · April 8, 2005

Erawan's post is somewhat "delicately" worded so it was difficult to determine if the "interest" shown by men he knows ever manifested into an "actual pass" or was his sensitivity to others feelings or imagined interest in sex with him.

Clearly the above posts are excellent responses to "actual passes".

I do know that gay men often misinterpret strong friendliness from straight men as sexual interest when it is not. I sure did when I was a member of a self help group that consisted of many very friendly men who were not sexually motivated toward me. I mistook the friendliness for sexual interest. Perhaps, Erawan can chalk off this form of "interest" to just friendliness and just wait for the pass before issuing a "no interest" response.

My Thai receives a lot of attention from other Falang and his response is favorable but with the tag line "in my next life".

I am inclined to not reject the unwanted attention giver by an explicit rejection of the man as a person but suggest that if I was so inclined, he would certainly be agreeable.

The line Jack Nicholson's character uttered to Greg Kinnear's "pass" in the movie "Thats All There Is" was "Pal, if that did it for me, you would be the one" or words to that effect, is the approach I favor.

My son in law once said to a gay guy in a gay bar we were in "Thanks, youu flatter me but I swing the other way".

I find gay Thais to be far less aggressive than western gays, to the point I rarely spot their interest unless my Thai points them out to me. But I am clueless, anyway.

wowpow · April 8, 2005

What a lovely problem to have. You must be very attractive to get so many people interested in you. You will miss it when it stops. Like most Thais take it as a compliment and smile graciously. If they misunderstand and persist it's time for a gentle rebuff as suggested above.

Being a mature farang in Thailand I find fun flirting with the local young men delightful. The vast majority are appreciative that someone finds them attractive and will give you a big smile. If they are interested further it is usually made clear.

THe 5000 baht starting price to 'bat for the other team' sounds very reasonable. I know you are joking but maybe you had better make that from 50,000 baht.

Erawan · April 8, 2005

Thanks a lot folks for all your input .

I have had some definite passes. I was walking through Lumphini Park once and a guy approached me and offered me 500 baht. I thought about it, but I thought I would be letting myself go on the cheap, hence, 5,000, lol. I'm still a 'virgin' after all.

But one more pressing and 'irritating' guy keeps pestering me. I know now what it must be like to be a woman. He's a teacher at my uncle's school. This guy is married and has a daughter, although he seems to be very attracted to me - this is not imagined. Every chance he gets, he wants me to go over and talk to him. And every time I'm close to him, he will take the opportunity to 'hug' and grope me. He once took the opportunity to 'half' cop-a-feel of my ass. That meaning, he didn't fully touch my ass, or fully touch my lower back, it was in between and I am positive he did this, so should I of said anything, he can simply put it down to 'a misinterpretation'.

I'm aware that in Thailand, that males can be more touchy feely over here, since they may have been childhood friends, but I don't really know the guy! And this happened the very first time I met him! I KNOW there is more to it than just being 'friendly', I can feel it and I can see it in his eyes. It makes me sick . What gets me, is that none of the other teachers, who are usually very close when this happens seem to notice or think anything of it! I pointed it once to a teacher/friend of mine, and the next time it happened, she noted it and saw it too - she said to be careful of him.

I would very much like to tell him where to go, but I'm aware that I have to handle the matter over differently here, I have to consider 'saving face' and such. So has anyone got a definite response for this matter? Again, your help is appreciated.

Ijustwannateach · April 8, 2005

You don't make your relationship to this guy very clear (are you another teacher or some sort of worker at this school? Is he connected with your uncle in some important way other than being an employee? Are you a farang? Is your uncle a farang?), so it's hard to answer your question.

If you're in a social/vocational situation where it's hard to avoid this fellow, then obviously the simple walk-away solution might not be good enough.

As you've noted, Thais can be very touchy-feely. As a teacher in a government school before, I frequently would be "mobbed" by male students who had no compunction about grabbing my hand, smacking my butt, etc. I didn't encourage this behavior, obviously, but it was clearly in a spirit of friendliness and not sexual. The other Thais around you may interpret this fellow's behavior in this light and not be aware how it makes you uncomfortable. Since the guy seems to persist and to escalate when others are not around, he seems to understand that his behavior is not really acceptable- but this is not stopping him, either.

So, to put it simply, you're being sexually harassed at work. I would recommend the following steps:

1. If you've never gone to the (admittedly awkward) effort of saying to this guy directly, "Don't touch me. It makes me uncomfortable," then now is the time. If you don't say this, he can always say he didn't know you were uncomfortable.

2. If step 1 doesn't work, try a little bit of escalation yourself. Anytime he does something inappropriate, scream at him "Get the *** away from me!" at the top of your voice. Believe me, that'll send him scurrying.

3. If steps 1 and 2 don't eventually work, you have a serious problem person (who probably should not be either married or teaching kids). Talk with your uncle and get his butt fired.

4. If for some reason your uncle and you don't see eye-to-eye on this, your only remaining option is to quit (officially citing your reason) and go elsewhere.

You may also want to consult with people on other parts of this board about your legal options related to sexual harassment- don't expect them to be great, but you may have some choices.

Good luck.

"Steven"

Erawan · April 8, 2005

To clarify my situation. My uncle is a teacher at this school, the guy who harasses me is also a teacher at this school. I am just my uncle's nephew who sometimes visits the school. I am look kreung, so half-Thai, half-not.

Granted, I don't have to put up with this often since I don't work at the school and I try to avoid him all I can, but I shouldn't have to do this at all. When I do go visit the school, I would like to do so without having to keep a look out.

Edited April 8, 2005 by Erawan

Ijustwannateach · April 8, 2005

Considering that you don't have any really strong glue between you and this person, I think the only weapons you have are gossip, avoidance, and confrontation. You've already started work on the first two- and maybe now it's time (as per the steps I outlined above) to work on the third.

Good luck.

"Steven"

Ijustwannateach · April 8, 2005

Been thinking about this post since I saw your thread in the teacher's forum, too- are you newly arrived in Thailand? Do you have a lot of experience here, or is it only your family? You might want to be extra-careful about what you experience as a "pass" here- homophobia is much reduced by American or even European standards. But it's your body, so go with your instincts.

Erawan · April 10, 2005

I've been here 5 months already on this trip. I've come here a few times before as well. I'm aware of the homophobia thing, I'm sure I'm not jumping to conclusions. Besides, I have other male friends who I've known for longer and they don't go about touching me other, some other guys I barely know start straight away - I do keep an open mind though, but after a few meetings or chats, I'm pretty sure I know how they're inclined.

Ijustwannateach · April 10, 2005

Just had a thought... one way to discourage this fellow is to get a girlfriend- a *JEALOUS* girlfriend... to visit the school with you and make sure you run into this fellow with her... SHE'll straighten him out, sure as sugar.

"Steven"

(I base this on the way my guy behaves around those he even slightly suspects may have designs on me)

Tornado · April 11, 2005

i better not

Ijustwannateach · April 11, 2005

It's good to hear that you've broadened and are now accepting displays of interest in you from other men, Tornado. There's hope for everyone!

"Steven"

PeaceBlondie · April 11, 2005

Any time that anybody puts their hand on a part of my body where I don't want that hand, I calmly take my hand and move the offender's hand away from me. Quid pro quo. If they put it back, I would grab their hand more assertively, squeeze as hard as I can, and push it away while my eyes give the offender a death stare. If they persisted (even if they were the Prime Minister) I would go public, take their hand away from my body, reveal it for all to see, and lightly slap it with my free hand. Next time, slap it real hard. I'm non-violent, but I believe in restraining other people's violence (no more than restraint). But I would definitely smile when I wasn't giving a death stare; that way they have to admit you have a good heart. If all else fails, say "I don't want to <deleted>> you or your mother." Just keep smiling.

Tornado · April 13, 2005

It's good to hear that you've broadened and are now accepting displays of interest in you from other men, Tornado. There's hope for everyone!
"Steven"

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Ill tell my mates on Groote Eylandt to come round and display interest in you anyway, It is Adam and Steve, not Adam and Eve in this case

got get em honey

jerry921 · April 15, 2005

Erawan, you have my sympathy. Its fortunate that you don't have to work with this guy every day.

Sexual agressors of all types have in common the ability to convince themselves that the other person is interested despite all their negative signals. That's why actually verbalizing to him how you feel is so effective, it punctures all the little self-delusions the creep has been building up in his head.

Most people feel embarrassed and even dirty when they are the object of unwanted attention, but you should keep straight in your mind that you are not responsible for this, the creep is the dirty old man, and that you are completely justified in feeling revolted and angry at him for importuning you.

If you haven't already, I think you should lay it all out to your uncle. I know that will be embarrassing, but remember you're the normal one, so you really don't need to be embarrased about it. Your uncle is your natural ally in this situation, he should be able to help in several ways. If you just can't bring yourself to tell the creep straight out to get lost, maybe your uncle can deliver the message for you. At a minimum your uncle should cooperate in making up whatever stories are necessary to keep you from ever being alone with the creep from now on.

Of course you will be very conscious of the physical distance between you and this guy. Try to keep it at six feet; don't let him invade your personal space. If he tries to be all friendly and step toward you, let your revulsion show on your face and step back -- don't freeze up and let him get his paws on you.

I think there are a lot of things you can do to recapture control of the situation, and the more of them you can do that the better you'll feel.

If all else fails, puke on his shoes.

Edited April 15, 2005 by jerry921

ProThaiExpat · April 15, 2005

I would try Wai-ing the guy. Your hands and arms would be in a protective position and you could use your wai hands to push him away if he still tried to encircle you with his arms with your hands in the

Wai position.

My experience is that most Thais don't approach for a hug if one of them is Waing.

Your desire to be polite to this "space invader" is admirable, but once someone is rude to you, your obligation to be polite is removed by their rudeness, so go ahead and be rude to him by telling him in your personal culture, men touching men is not permitted.

orchis · April 25, 2005

If someone gives me that kind of unwelcome attention sa feeling me up in DJ I grab their hand and squeeze it , then they understand I m not interested

jerry921 · April 25, 2005

Here's another idea: arm yourself with a wooden ruler (measuring stick). Whack him!

OT: Did you hear about the mafia guy who committed suicide? He tried to give himself a haircut and ended up whacking himself....

DexC · May 1, 2005

Thanks a lot folks for all your input .
He's a teacher at my uncle's school. This guy is married and has a daughter, although he seems to be very attracted to me - this is not imagined. Every chance he gets, he wants me to go over and talk to him. And every time I'm close to him, he will take the opportunity to 'hug' and grope me. He once took the opportunity to 'half' cop-a-feel of my ass. That meaning, he didn't fully touch my ass, or fully touch my lower back, it was in between and I am positive he did this, so should I of said anything, he can simply put it down to 'a misinterpretation'.

...

I would very much like to tell him where to go, but I'm aware that I have to handle the matter over differently here, I have to consider 'saving face' and such. So has anyone got a definite response for this matter? Again, your help is appreciated.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Something like this happened to me about thirty years ago. I told the office nelly about it, who didn't believe that the guy in question had a gay bone in his body. Perhaps not but he sure had a boner round me.

I was only out to nelly at the time and he didn't believe me. I was too SA in those days.

I think you are right you have to handle it differently in LOS. I think the escalating hand removal makes most sense.

BTW B500 is an insult. B5000 might very well be agreed to by some of the more well-to-do Thai around town, to say nothing of Hongkies or Singies. Once they've spotted a "must have" perceptions of value for money goes out the window till "had that". If you are not available, your signal should read "Not Available". Don't give false hope however great the amount might seem to you.

Edited May 1, 2005 by DexC

peter991 · May 2, 2005

On the lighter side, when I am in Issan with my Thai bf, I get shown lots of interest by Thai ladies who want to marry me. It doesn't matter that we are obviously a couple. Both bf and I give them a smile and bf lets them know that if I have any farang mates who are interested, he will get back to them.

Peter

Thaiboxer1 · May 24, 2005

Erawan,

Interesting thread as I've had the same encounters as you over all these years....straight as straight can be, but as my friends have joked, they call me a "fag magnet"...

Since settling in Pattaya, my incidents have been multiplied with both gays and ladyboys. I've been mistaken for being gay, since it seems in Pattaya, if a guy likes to dress up and keep his body fit by working out, u r labelled as gay. Most of the time, I smile, take it as a compliment and politely tell them I like girls. That usually works most of the time....

Few times, it hasn't worked. Over in Tuckom, heading up the escalator a guy grabbed my ass, I turned around shocked and was ready to drop him w/an elbow strike, but turned out he was only a lil' brazen kid bout the age of 16. What's balls he's got for a young'un! I just shot him a death stare and walked away.

The only time I've had enough of it is this gay clothing store owner in Bangkok. Nice clothes in there, but the guy keeps trying to grope me and calling me sexy. He's persistent and each time I went there he would get more agressive and brave. Guess my smiles and polite mannerisms telling him I was straight didn't help, since one day he got really obscene w/me, saying all kinds of sexual things. That was it, I dropped him not w/an elbow but w/a well placed verbal strike...

Played off like I was gay, and began to systematically destroy his ego...told him how out of shape he looked, said his shoes didn't match his pants, told him he had bad taste in dressing, said his face was ugly, pointed out that one of his teeth was grey bordering on turning black, that I could never kiss such a rotted mouth, said he was looking too old, too many wrinkles, pointed at his mole and commented it was disgusting and basically tore into him....in the end, I said to him he wasn't even on my level to date. That stopped him cold in his tracks. Gave him the hand in the face , threw back my head and walked out of his shop.

Don't know if this helps you, but it worked for me.

Btw, I hope this didn't offend any gays here. Just don't like people who don't respect me, as that store owner was doing.

ProThaiExpat · May 25, 2005

Thaiboxer: I have often wondered why some gays, usually the ugly ones, are so aggressive. I guess it comes from the same place aggressive straight men come from, the thought that persistence pays off or that their object will be caught in a weak moment.

Certainly where the expression "dirty old man" came from in my view, my definition of that expression has been, "One who makes unwanted advances".

Erawan · May 25, 2005

Dex, I don't understand your local lingo, 'nelly' and 'SA,' could you please clarify? Is that Australian?

OxfordWill · May 25, 2005

You are look krung! What did you expect..just be very vocal about your girlfriends. Joke with the bloke who likes to touch you up about how beautiful that girl walking by the window is, and so on. If you ooze lust for the opposite sex and show none for your own he will eventually give up.

Thaiboxer1 · May 25, 2005

Thaiboxer: I have often wondered why some gays, usually the ugly ones, are so aggressive. I guess it comes from the same place aggressive straight men come from, the thought that persistence pays off or that their object will be caught in a weak moment.
Certainly where the expression "dirty old man" came from in my view, my definition of that expression has been, "One who makes unwanted advances".

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

ProThaiExpat,

I think his persistence comes from having nothing to lose...he's already hurting in the looks dept...so desperation sets in...pathetic...

Yeah, this guy was definitely ugly...if I ever were to switch teams, he would be the last in line!

ProThaiExpat · May 25, 2005

Thaiboxer1: Modesty probably compels you to not admit that you are a very attractive man.

My experience is that men, regardless of straight or gay, if very handsome, are eqully attractive both to women and gay men. Thus you perhaps get unwanted attention from ugly women as well. Would your method of discouraging undesireable women work with gay men as well????