Getting To Know A Thai Man

[sawatdeeyesitsme]

I'm currently teaching in rural village in Isaan. I've been here for a few weeks and have settled in really well, made friends with the Thai teachers etc. I really love it here!

One of the other teachers I really like, but I just don't know how to go about doing things. He's not in my immediate circle of friends, so I feel uncomfortable with asking him out. In fact I don't know if that's even the done thing? I've talked to the other teachers about Thai relationships in general and they were like "first you are friends, then good friends, then boyfriend/girlfriend and then a faan" etc.

He's been incredibly shy with me where he would practically ignore me in my first weeks here. His English isn't very good, which I think may account for the shyness. Things have been much better recently to the point were he'll sit with me at lunch or after classes. I saw him at school yesterday and he came and sat with me (just the 2 of us) for a couple of hours and we were chatting. It was the first time we've had the chance to talk without other people being around. He was asking me if I was married, then if I had a faan, then if I had a boyfriend and then finally we got to "so you're single?" which I said yes I was. With a big smile he was like "I'm single too." We were talking about our families as well and he was very embarrassed telling me that his parents are farmers. We're in rural Thailand, so it's not too much of a shock.

We were also talking about going fishing and I asked him if he would take me one day and he said yes. However, he then said a minute or two later that we would go with my group of friends. He's very riup roy, so I'm not sure if he said it because of that or if it was a bit of a knockback. He was then asking what my plans were for dinner and I said that I had no plans and that I was kon dieow. He kept mentioning dinner but I'm not sure if he was trying to ask me if I wanted dinner with him or not. I was a bit embarrassed to ask him to be honest just incase that's not what he meant!

It feels very flirty but I'm not sure at all because of the cultural differences. Heck, I'm useles with relationships with British men as well, so I'd be just as clueless. I'm not sure what he would see in me either. I'm a hel_l of a lot bigger than the Thai girls and not interesting as a farang because I've got dark hair and eyes.

Any advice would be most welcome!

[bina]

ooh, i really hate to say these things but......... first, really check around if he is indeed single as in doesnt have a girlfriend since thai often marry w/o actually marrying (in villages they just do a celebration w/o registering in the local amphur) and /or there is no female that is in the background who set her aims at him, either.

second, he sees u as a 'good girl' (ugh for these nomenclatures, but we all know....) which is why he would only take u fishing if he and u both had friends along (its like chaperone style, keeps reputations intact);

if u want dinner with him, then get a girlfriend to come along and suggest that he bring some friends too,

and last but not least: remember if he is a teacher ans so are u (in whatever status u are at ) , everyone, but everyone, in the entire village, including the children , are watching yoiur every step. so be 'proper' and yes! watch out for your reputaiton. villages are small, tee muu baan mai mee kwam laap (no secrets in the town). and remember that his reputaion is on the line also as a teacher in a small village, he has a lot of status. and 'proper' thai men get very serious very fast thinking marriage etc. and female teachers may have put an eye on him as well, and u are staff so it could get unfomfortable.

not to dampen your enthusiasm but villages are like small towns in the 1950s in the states when it comes to personal lives and how 'good' women act, (i remember when i was in small village at a thai male friend's house. he made sure i slept in same room as his mother so that the village wouldnt gossip about us --his mother could say that she was with me at nite.(we were only friends, not even thought about being together which is rare among thai men).

u didnt mention age, visa status, language nationality etc...

who knows, by next year u might be joining our ranks as an other farang female/thai husband on the forum.: ))

welcome

bina

israel

[sawatdeeyesitsme]

Thanks Bina - a lot of food for thought! Are you married to a Thai? And if so, how long for?

First of all I'm British and here on a resident Non-B. I'm the only native English speaker at my school (and the first one). I had originally come to Thailand with my English boyfriend in April for a month. He stayed on to work as a teacher but I had to go home and came back out only to find he had ended up doing the male farang thing and getting a Thai gf. I went home to the UK for a while but came back out just over a month ago to take this job. Age is the other concern I had as he is a bit younger than me (I'm 31 but don't look it and he is 25 and looks older) so would he really be interested in me because of that? Or am I just considered to be on the shelf?

The whole marriage/relationship thing in Thailand I've found rather strange. I've asked some of my friends if they have boyfriends/girlfriends. For instance one of my female friends says she has a boyfriend but at school says she's single, so I know to be wary about the whole marriage/single thing. However, I have checked around and he's not married. In fact the other teachers at school keep asking me if I want a Thai boyfriend and if I do keep suggesting him. A couple of his female friends I had a slight question marks about, but one of them definitely has a boyfriend as I met him but the other girl I'm not sure about because I don't really know her. His best friend at school is considered the "prize catch" by the other (gay male and female) teachers from what I can gather. If there is another female in the background that has her aims set at him what are the implications of that?

I'm glad that it seems like the chaperone thing. I am trying to be a 'good girl' and very 'proper' which is why I don't want to make any mistakes! I'm also glad that I didn't ask him to have dinner with me if it's not the done thing.

That is another question I had, my teaching "buddy" is male and single (I think he's gay but not out yet). He doesn't like taking me alone on his scooter as he doesn't want people to get the wrong idea and we tend to go out with other girls as well. But occasionally we have to go out alone together if my 2 female friends are busy, but thinking about it - it is usually to his parents house. Could this cause problems or will people know that he's just my teaching buddy?

Just out of interest - when you say 'proper' Thai men get serious very fast, how quickly is that? The whole process of becoming friends, then close friends, then girlfriend/boyfriend as described by my friends seemed quite slow!

Thanks once again.

[eek]

I have no experience of rural life in Thailand, but from what little i know, Bina is spot on about the reputation thing. I also feel that i cannot comment on rural Thai men, because my bf is city Thai and his approach was pretty direct. The only thing i can pass on is some advice some friends (who have Thai husbands) gave me, if you do get involved with him... dont change yourself too much, and if there are things you dont like, that are things you wouldnt put up with at home, dont just accept it (or write it off as cultural differences). Of course people need to adapt to each other, especially where mixing cultures is involved, but that should come from both sides. On a lighter note, i hope things go well!!

[Goinghomesoon]

What part of Isaan are you in? Like Bina my husband is from a small Isaan village but he had worked in Bangkok for many years and seems far less concerned about some of the face issues than his parents, who have to live with the gossip and innuendo long after we return to the big smoke. I think Bina's right, with an important job like teacher you both really need to be careful. My brother-in-law is a teacher and village people of all ages come to his door day and night to ask him to help read letters, decipher bills, mediate between teens and their parents. He is very respected, but conversely people know a lot about his life and can be quick to judge.

I am really thankful that I met my partner in Bangkok and we had weeks of dating (without supervision) and talking in "thai-glish" before I had to meet his family. He had a lot of time to warn me about how things worked in the village. Like the people coming in to mother-in-law's house on all sort of pretexts so they could sneak a peek at the bedroom to see if we were sleeping together It was pretty fun for a short period but I can't imagine being under that scrutiny all the time. Best of luck with that!

[bina]

hi,

well, yes, my husband is country village thai although i met him here in israel (employed by my kibbutz and i was his manager for two months when he filled in for an other thai worker) as many many many thai village men come here to work agriculture. he absolutely didnt speak the language, he is 10 yrs younger then me (im 48 today!) + 3 kids 16 yrs and up. he would never have started with me if i hadnt spoke thai. age didnt bother him, nor his family although the not having a baby with him seems to matter some for his family. it wont happen due to my age, it doesnt seem to bother him too much if at all. his parents used to ask whether or not i was pregnant but they've given up since this last visit i explained that 'my eggs are old, they dont want to hatch' (well, that was the jist of it anyway, since i work(ed) with animals they thought that was a hilarious way of explaining. i didnt know how to explain pre menopause in thai.)

bina

israel

[mssabai]

Not that I want to put a big spanner in the works, but you have already had some great advice from experienced people so I am going to take another tack.

How serious are you about your life in Thailand? How serious are you about being in a relationship with this guy? Is is just a little flirtation, or do you feel a really deep connection. I say this because, as some posters have already said, things get serious very fast very quickly here, on ce a relationship is established. An established couple are expected to be making plans for the future. Although being bf/gf is accepted here for the most part (maybe not so much in muslim communities), there is generally an expectation that things will be moving forwards. Casual relationships are not conducted openly.

If you were to get with this guy and start a relationship, you would have to accept that your lives are considered bound up together. What would then happen if you were bored of your job and wanted to move? Or go home? Or what would happen if you guys broke up? Would you be able to stay in your job? I know it may seem silly to think like that before you have even got with him, but you have to think 10 steps ahead here. When you are an expat here, you often find that your relationship, job and life get quite interconnected - ie, when one aspect changes, it directly affects other aspects.

I'd say that it is a very good thing it is moving very slowly with him now, it will give you the brething space you need to asses all these areas witha clear head. Once a relationship starts, often clear thinking goes out the window to make room for the whirlwind romance. Look up or ask your friends about "doo jai" - my guess is this is what he is doing, and it would be wise for you to do so too...

Good luck, welcome to the forum!

[sbk]

Its never a good idea to get into a relationship with someone you work with. If things go wrong, you still have to work with him.

[lioness]

Take in all the sound advice from everyone here, and I have to agree it's never a good idea to get involved with someone you work with, however I'm sure you won't listen to that piece of advice so let the man make the moves if at all he wants to, that way you won't be overstepping the mark.

[sawatdeeyesitsme]

So much advice and things to consider!!! Thank you all!

Firstly, I experienced the "no secrets in town" thing today at school. One of the other teachers was asking me what I did at the weekend and I said housework and came into school to do some work. "Oh I heard you were with P*** until 6pm." lol - the town has many eyes! There was a lot of talking in Thai about the two of us between some of the other teachers but they "couldn't translate" when I asked them what it was but it usually means that they are gossiping.

About the work thing, I know it's never a good idea to get involved with someone you work with but my whole life (work/social life) here is centred around the school, so it's kind of hard to avoid it. Most of the other teachers (as well as myself) go in at the weekends, we stay long after classes finish. I've met very few people outside of school and the ones I have met have been frowned upon by some of the older teachers (the whole no secrets in the town). As mssabai says things are very interconnected and that's not even including romantic relationships!

mssabai - I'm going to use a really big cliche but I wasn't looking for anything when I came here. I'm not a flirtatious type of person and I do take relationships seriously myself i.e. I don't get involved with men just for the sake of it. There is that certain "something" feeling. Saying that, I'm not entirely sure what this is just yet and I have no idea if I'm reading the situation right or if he's even feeling the same way. I found an explanation of "doo jai" online - I think that is very worthy advice!

As for how I would feel if anything did happen and staying here? I've lived in quite a few different countries over the last few years and had a few different jobs as well. And most of the time it took me a long time to settle or I had a feeling of general unhappiness (I think in retrospect because of my ex). I haven't felt this happy about living somewhere in a LONG time or so enthusiastic about a job. If nothing happens, I still want to stay here. If something did happen but it went wrong, that is something I would have to think about. I love the community aspect of my job and I usually don't mind the whole "no secrets in town" aspect either. And actually, I kind of like the whole way of Thai courtship, becoming friends, then close friend etc. It seems less pressured in a way?!

Lioness - I'm definitely going to let him make the moves if any. Like I said, I'm not sure what is happening, or if I'm even reading the signals properly. I'm just going to let things flow naturally.

bina - Happy birthday! How long have the two of you been together? And how often do you come over to Thailand?

btw Something strange did happen today as one of the other male teachers (has a gf, is friends with P*** and he had just been playing TaKraw with him) asked me for my telephone number so that he could practice his English. I'm not really sure what that was about and was a bit out of the blue.

[bina]

hi, glad mssabai put in her words; i didnt want to seem too negative.

ive been to thailand three times (the first time as a volunteer teacher in a town, not a village); second two times to husband's village. i am a kibbutznik and so am very very used to the small town work/social life mixed together scene (ex is still on my kibbutz as well as entire extended family). however, unless u are very used to small small town life, and speak the language well, i say, beware. gossip has started. the other guy asking for phone number for 'practicing english"? this sounds like the thai equivalent to the kibbutz guy starting line (want to drink turkish coffee with me and practice english?) --

definately try to 'go in to the school' only when u have feminine company, to relieve the gossip that has already started. remember, gossip starts as friendly but can become ugly very quickly, and and actions misunderstood and embellished rapidly.

ive been with anon since 2005, married in 2006. and we caused a lot lot lot of gossip for the kibbutz; which of course created a whole chain of events that made life very difficult for a long time. of course the gossip gets forgotten, UNTIL it becomes needed as a weapon, then suddenly everyone has perfect memory )

if u have no other outlets, no other backup friends in the area (and i dont mean the thai women from the village since friendships among thais in general develop from childhood on and new friends dont get the same emphasis, support network, and loyalty as childhood friends (pi/nong) do), then i would say, let him make the moves, develop your non romantic life a little better, and possibly a bit away from the village, and if u do go for it, make sure u have a plan B in the drawer (know u know im israeli, we always have an emergency war plan on the side) for quick , far, escape/alternate place to stay/work. as many of us can contest, thai men, if and when spurned, can become very obbsessive, possessive and aggressive and tenacious as well. not trying to scare you. i have been around thai men (and mostly only men) for the past 10 years, here, and while anon is my acknowleged husband, i was previoiusly also a 'second wife' to a thai man (its all posted somewhere here a few years ago, too boring already to repost it all) and had to deal with the whole scene here in israel when anon got in to the picture...

so if u are a bit shy, older woman(no not ancient but our not GAP year either), serious about relationships -- then, re- read mssabai's post again. im very satisfied with my husband, bannork(country bumpkin) and all; but this is my second marriage, already did the kid thing, already lived in a small town situation, and am not in a foreign country where if it didnt work out, i would have to do a lot of moving, visa arrangements, whatever. actually my husband is in the reverse situation. he's the one in a foreign and fairly xenophobic country (mine).

other women here have different experiences then i, but there are some who've had not so wonderful experiences also (where is girlx for some negativity?) that do put things in a different perspective.

good luck, sorry to be a bit negative, but better negative now, and going with 'eyes wide open' and being cautious, then being one of these pretty sorry male 'just met a wonderful 18yr old thai girl whose moved in with me after two days blablabla' posters ... we women dont think with that little head. we have our regular brains, just have to put them to use.

bina

israel

[Amyji]

Its never a good idea to get into a relationship with someone you work with. If things go wrong, you still have to work with him.

I wanted to echo sbk's advice. Before I met my (Thai) husband I was infatuated with a Thai PE teacher at my work. I was in a rather vulnerable state of mind, he was handsome and flirtatious, I was lonely and ready for a relationship (I was your age, 31). But he spoke almost no English, and I spoke even less Thai. He led me on every day, dazzling me, but I was hurt that he would never ask me out when the work day was through. We did go out twice. Turns out he had a girlfriend the entire time!

The remaining months at that particular school was a nightmare to say the least. When this teacher later sent out wedding invitations I felt betrayed by any teacher who decided to go - it was a horrible feeling. I could not come into work on his wedding day! Needless to say I did not stay at that school, I finished the term and was out of there. Gosh this happened seven years ago and the memories are still vivid about this guy and how badly he hurt me.

I'm sure the gossip around my school was ripe fruit for the picking, and this is in Bangkok, so the gossip probably stayed around the school environment. In your situation, satwatdee, the gossip could easily extend throughout the entire town. Get to know this guy slowly to make sure your communication is clear. Thais are VERY clever at showing one side and living another side.

Glad you have you on board with Thaivisa.

[Boo]

All excellent advice from the ladies so far.

I met my husband on samui so we weren't too bothered by gossiping locals in the sense that neither of us were related or had any connection to them. We were gossiped about though & as I had been in Samui for 4 years longer than him & had a fairly tight network of thai male & thai & western women friends he was often called when I was seen out & about with one of my thai male friends. He knew these guys, understood our relationships were totally platonic so the gossipers didn't make an impact but had he been a different type of man or had I not been so open & clear about who my friends were, what they meant to me & that I wouldn't be changing my relationships with them then it could have caused a lot of problems.

I would also get told when & where he was, handy if I needed to find him quick but irritating when I was trying to have a night out & gossipy thais would relish telling me that my faan was at so & so bar.wink wink nudge nudge...... Umm well, he was a musician at the time so was working at so & so bar 6 nights a week & that is where I would hope he was but that stream of logic was clearly to be ignored

The point is, thais do gossip a lot if they think there is something to gossip about, add to it any girl in the background who might had her sights set on him too & then the gossip could turn malicious & dangerous for you. Get a bad rep (as in easy) in a small town & you will be a target for every drunk/pervert/opportunist around for miles not to mention that it might result in you losing your job.

So first have a real think about whether this guy is really worth it or whether you are mostly interested in him cause you are alone in a strange village, he is cute & maybe you are welcoming some male attention cause everyone likes to be flattered.

Good luck & welcome to the forum.

[bina]

geez, after all our warnings, i hope we didnt scare off a potential wedding?!

bina

[IanForbes]

I can only agree with all the advice here. Another thing you have to look out for is there are ALWAYS people who want to believe the worst about everyone, and they don't mind making up gossip to back up their views. As an old codger I know longer care what people think about me, but as a young person, and especially a woman, you have to be careful at all times.

[sawatdeeyesitsme]

I really appreciate all your advice - especially all the negative side of things as well. It's a lot to consider, especially regarding the gossip - (I seem to be falling victim to it in other ways). All I wanted was some advice on getting to know a Thai man but it seems to be a minefield!

What I didn't mention in my other posts are my living arrangements here in town. The school organised what they call a "homestay" here in the village... unfortunately it's actually one of the rooms behind the only karaoke bar in town. It's not really been an issue before and no comments have ever been made. There is an internet cafe next to the bar, which the owners let me use for free, so I spend some time in there during the week or outside talking with the owners or the only other farang in the village. I've tried talking to the other teachers about moving but no joy other than moving in with an older teacher (I like my own space though).

Tonight I had dinner with my director and some of the other teachers. The director asked me if I wanted a leo and I said "no, I rarely drink" then one of the teachers (a supposed friend!) turned round and said "I think you get drunk every night". I was like "what?!!" and they were like "I hear that you are in the karaoke bar every night" in front of EVERYONE. I was like "where did you hear that?!" "Oh, from the students" (so it must be true). I was mortified! I never chose to live there - they put me there - I can't really avoid the place! Luckily the owners little boy happened to be playing with some friends and ran up and hugged me. The teachers were like "how do you know him" and I was like "well he's the owners son and when I'm in the internet cafe we usually talk".

Maybe it's just coincidence, maybe not?!

Bina - I was very suspicious about the other teacher asking for my number. I wasn't sure what that was about but I felt like I was being tested in a way. I apologised to him and said I couldn't give him my number but if he wants to practice English then speak to me in our office as I have conversations with most teachers after my lessons everyday. The reason I felt it was a bit of test was because it was mentioned by another teacher tonight (I didn't mention it to anyone). He was saying "why did you not give him your number?" and I said because I didn't feel comfortable giving him it because I don't really know him. "Oh, so you'll only give close friends your number? I suppose that's sensible."

Maybe I'm just being overly paranoid. I haven't said to anyone at all connected with my life in Thailand that I like P***. However, there was that incident yesterday and then today another of my social group (the one who mentioned the telephone number incident) was like "do you know Aj. ******" and I said no. "I'll introduce the two of tomorrow, he's very handsome, I think you would like him." I'm just wondering if I've stepped on someones toes or again if it's just coincidence.

I think you are right about finding other outlets. I have been trying to forge other friendships and have been making a real effort with the other teachers. Like I said, it's hard to make friends outside of school within the village as a friendship that I did make was frowned up. I also have been in touch with some farang teachers from "the big smoke" an hour away so that I can at least get away if needed. Job wise - I'm not sure what would happen there.

Amyji - Thais are VERY clever at showing one side and living another side. Yes I have noticed this in both small and big ways. I'm really sorry to hear your story, did everyone else know that he had a girlfriend? Did you ever talk to your Thai friends about him?

Boo - I'm going to have a good long hard think about what *I* want from all of this. Malicious gossip is something that I'm not sure if I can handle. I was a bit stung tonight when my friend said that in front of everyone. Usually they would take me aside to tell me. I'm a really conservative, shy person and I'm just worried that someone is trying to make me out as being some drunken wanton hussy.

Sorry if the above is a bit fuddled. I just got back from the meal so a lot of things are swimming around my head! Thanks ladies!

Edited December 15, 2009 by sawatdeeyesitsme

[Boo]

Where about in the sticks are you? Some of us might be close by & of not, may have some suggestions.

As for the living arrangements, I would start to look around for your own place. Being placed by the school behind a Karaoke isn't the best & as for the so called friend making the crack about drinking I would say she isn't as good a friend to you as you might think.

[eek]

Really sorry that your "friend" did that to you. Would be good if there are some women around you can get to know and make good friendships around. As Boo says, maybe there are some near where you are. At the very least, you have here to voice things that come up.

[sbk]

Hmmm.... sounds like the normal Thai sense of humor to me. Thai people have a very different sense of humor and I often got "your husband is not out fishing but with his girlfriend" as a joke. I always responded, "good, i hope she's a rich one because I am tired of working" and that always elicited a laugh.

Maybe it was malicious, but frankly, it seemed to me more like the many jokes that we don't find funny but Thais do.

[sawatdeeyesitsme]

sbk - It maybe that I'm being a bit sensitive and part miscommunications with language/culture. They have been "joking" about this for a few weeks, which hasn't bothered me. However, I was ill on Sunday and couldn't do a workshop with another teacher and then on Monday one of the teachers said "I don't think you were ill, you were probably hungover." Then coupled with last night, it's just got beyond a joke! I think it was the fact that there are saying the students see me there every night that hit me a bit. And a couple of my students were making innuendos today because I stay behind the karaoke bar which is the first time they've done that!

I spoke to my head of department (who is Thai) today about things and he was like "it's just the Thai way to gossip. People will move onto something else soon enough. They probably don't realise that it upsets you." We spoke about the accommodation as well, and as I pointed out, they wouldn't have put a female Thai teacher there. So he's going to see if he can find something else.

I'm in Nakhon Panom province if there is anyone nearby.

[sbk]

So, best result, make a big joke out of it. If they see it doesn't bother you then it will get dropped more quickly.

[mssabai]

I think the only real solution is move out from behind the kareoke bar. It is after all essentially a brothel and I wouldn't be comfortable living in a brothel in any country (actually I may be wrong...is this a girly kareoke? fairy lights etc? or just a bar with a machine?)

I agree with sbk - Thai's do have a peculiar sense of humour (actually very similar to the British 'taking the p*ss' humour in some ways, which my transatlantic friends and family find quite cruel!). I had one lady here who would insistently call me fat every EVERY time I saw her, and it was only after a while that I realised that she knew full well I was getting riled by it and that was why she was continuing... once they taste blood.. I do feel though that she had a vindictive edge to her humour, which may be the same thing here, but overall it was in good humour. Just try to ignore it, if they get a rise then they will carry on.

[courtenayjade]

Hey there,

Thais can be so easy to deal with but they can also be very complicating at other things.

I am married to a Thai man who I met in NZ but he spoke very minimal english, he was also from the countryside(suphanburi) and things were a bit awkward at first due to language barriers but seem to work out better as you both learn more of the language.

Me and my husband have now been together for 6 years and we both speak english and thai and have 3 kids together.

The hardest part I find is definately the family with you being the 'farang'.I find it so hard at times but they can also be very loving and caring.

But I can definately tell you I have also been with the charming not so nice but think he's nice thai guy and I would say definately stay away from the charmers(I suppose they are not only thais)

Anyway best of luck!!!!!!

[eek]

Would giving some kind of witty retort back work then? Im always hesitant with retorts unless i know someone, but then again, they are dishing it out themselves (often people who dish out, find it hard to take "jokes" said back to them).

Ie: When she said "I hear that you are in the karaoke bar every night", you could have said something like "What do you mean you "heard", you are the one trying to take me there every night!".

Also, if they question the kind of people you talk to (like anyone who works at the bar or whatever), you could say something like "i talk to all people who talk to me, i was brought up to be polite". That could maybe make them feel a bit ashamed?

If the schoolgirls say they saw you out there at night, you can coolly respond they are mistaken, but ask what are they doing out in a karaoke bar at night time, and do their parents know thats what they are doing? That should hopefully shut them up.

There is always just doing the cool aloof smiling/ignore thing. Where its as if you are above their ignorant pettiness. Sometimes a bit of avoidance can just make people bored and feel stupid.

Also, maybe participating in something at the local Wat may help to quell their pettiness.

Really need the other more experienced ladies to comment if my advice would work or not though, its just not circles ive ever had to walk in or face. Best of luck. Hope you find a way to shrug off this stuff and not get bogged down by it.

[sbk]

An example of how a Thai deals with this sort of thing. My husband's cousin (a man) constantly makes comments about us and why we don't have kids. This after all these years as well. A few years ago our nephew got married and of course, all the extended family came for the wedding. Another female cousin of my husband came down from Bangkok for the wedding. Since he hadn't had an opportunity to harass her about it for awhile, and she is unmarried, he started in on her. "Why aren't you married? You should be married" yadda yadda. We are all in a big group eating lunch, so she turns to him, smiles sweetly and says loudly enough for the entire table to hear, "What? Didn't you know? I got married already! How come you didn't come to the wedding?"

We all laughed and he shut up.

[sawatdeeyesitsme]

mssabai - I kind of gathered that it's more like a British sense of humour. One of the teachers was asking me at the dinner the other night if I ever p!ss my bed because I drink so much water (I honestly have no idea how Thai's can drink so little water and still be standing at the end of the day but that's another story). He was getting a bit mao so I said, "well, I don't think that I'll be the one having that problem tonight. You're so mao you'll probably be the one to p!ss the bed". To which he replied "no, I only ever p!ss my pants". Very my sort of sense of humour.

My "home stay" isn't the fairy lights and girls type of karaoke bar, they are a bit further up the road, but it is frequented by people for a bit of nookie and men take prostitutes there (at least they are being safe from the amount of condom wrappers strewn in front of my door).

Eek - I was very sensitive about things yesterday and did get a bit upset about it, which is just stupid! I've been pretty good with laughing things off or making jokes about things even if it's irked me. I think it's just a culmination of a few things and the fact that I felt a slight barb in their jokes. I've managed to shrug it off today, I'm just annoyed I let it get to me! Jai yen yen.

As for the students that saw me there, it was probably my male students (I teach boys and girls 15 years - 18 years). One of the lads that was making the innuendos yesterday, starting winking at me today. I just laughed at him, especially the fact that I'm way bigger and taller than him and he was a bit embarrassed. On the most part, the students are very well natured and it's good banter with them. I really like most of them and maybe they feel they know me better now to say stuff like that to me. In EVERY class, if I ask "what do you like?" someone always says "drinking whiskey". It's what they find funny because it's a bit naughty.

courtenayjade - where in NZ are you? I lived in Welly for a while. I know things will be different because you met in NZ but did your husband make the first move?

As for charming/dazzling Thai guys, P*** certainly isn't a charmer, he seems a bit aloof and but he's very ai mak mak. In fact my first few weeks he would barely speak to me to the point where it seemed like he was ignoring me. Then he asked me to gin khao one morning, which was a major step and I was so embarrassed/nervous that *I* made an excuse and then kicked myself afterwards. But things have been a lot better since, although not as good as I would like them to be just yet! Not that I've seen much of him this week as he's been on a jolly with the school to Korat.

One thing that I did want to ask was how are tall Thai's treated. He's very tall for a Thai (over 6ft), does that affect their "status" in anyway?

Thanks again ladies, I'll keep you posted!

[mssabai]

Not in my experience no. My bf is over 6ft and no one seems to mention it one way or the other. They spend most of their time commenting on how handsome he is instead!

[too true]

that thai sense of humour gets me every time. after i'd had my second baby we went back to hubby's place and the girls (shamefully i still struggle with their names) were commenting on how i hadn't lost the weight like i'd lost with my first. i said "look at yourselves! at least my boobs are still bigger than my belly!" to which they replied "yeah, but we were always fat. you're finally catching up to us..." score one for them. then when they were giving me the usual "when are you going to have another baby" routine, i finally got sick of hearing it and retorted "god, and have sex AGAIN??? isn't twice enough???" end of conversation. one for me.

it's hard to get your head around the way thais play with words. and the thai gossip. when i first starting dating my husband i'd go into the bank to withdraw money and the bank tellers would ask me "oh, where's your boyfriend?" it's just so invasive from our point of view. even now, after 11 years here, i've got older thai women who work in our housing area village thing saying to me "oh, he's such a good man, you're so lucky" and sometimes i want to say "well, take him then, if you like him so much! he's yours!"

just put on a brave face and give them back as good as they give. if you can stand up for yourself and not get flustered, if you can turn the tables and let them know in a subtle way that you can see right through them, you'll be okay.

and move away from the karaoke bar!!!

if this guy's as good as you say he is you can be sure there are other women at your school interested in him. thai women are well aware that good thai men are hard to come by (really... but good men anywhere are hard to come by... it's not a statement against thai men in particular). they may feel threatened by you. give them no reason to feel that way and let your relationship develop on its own merits, not on your ethnicity.

i don't envy your situation one bit. but you've got the benefit of having a good network of women here to help you on your way.

good luck

tt

[sawatdeeyesitsme]

Just to let you all know that the housing situation got sorted out today. I've moved into a rather nice bungalow today owned by one of the teacher's relatives (and it's cheaper than the other place). They've bought me a new mattress as well, so my back will be rejoicing tonight as I have been sleeping on what can only be described as a soggy Victoria Sponge for the last few weeks.

too true - I'm not really one for giving as good as I get but I guess this will be steep learning curve. The invasive thing is weird because when I get asked something I can't lie but Thai's don't seem to have a problem with that?! The gossip though was a bit of a shock! I can't believe that you're still getting comments after 11 years!

As for other girls after him... well, I certainly have ruffled someones feathers but I'm not quite sure who they are. A girl in my social group has been a bit weird about it (i.e. gossiping in Thai about it but nothing said to me) but I'm a bit confused about that as she has a boyfriend. I can't say that I feel very sorry for some of the women at the school because if I had been a young male farang teacher, they would have been all over him! In fact I've had so many female teachers (and gay male teachers) saying they wished that they had got a male farang teacher! Well you got me! muhahaha.

With the whole chaperone/being friends thing, what if my social group are very disapproving and don't help me by coming out with us?

[mssabai]

too true - I'm not really one for giving as good as I get but I guess this will be steep learning curve. The invasive thing is weird because when I get asked something I can't lie but Thai's don't seem to have a problem with that?! The gossip though was a bit of a shock! I can't believe that you're still getting comments after 11 years!

My mum in law has been sat on her step making comments to and about all in sundry for the last 50 odd years! And her mother before her! I don't think the comments ever stop I am afraid. We get just what they do to each other.