Long Distance Relationships

[peter991]

I don't want to hijack the thread that Steven (IJWT) has started in this Forum, so I will start a new one.

Briefly, I am an Australian with a wonderful Thai bf. We met in Pattaya in the middle of last year. I had planned to retire to Thailand (I am 51 years of age) but, to cut a long story short, things fell apart and I was forced to return to Australia and start all over again.

My bf has left the bar scene and I have built a house for both of us in his remote Issan village. I visited Thailand for 2 weeks in February this year and I am not due to return until early August this year, and then only for one week

Being apart is hard for both of us. There is only so much one can do through emails and phone calls. I would like to get a visa for him to visit Australia, but I live at an isolated roadhouse in the middle of nowhere.

There isn't any work for him in his village and he is too small to find work in Bangkok. His only other option is to return to Pattaya and the bar scene. His parents were very upset when he suggested it to them. He asked my opinion and I was upset too.

He contacted the local monks and chatted with them about the suggestion and they also said it was a bad idea. He wants to pay his own way with minimal financial assistance from me.

Any other TV members not living permanently with their Thai bf in LOS? How do you keep the relationship strong? Any suggestions welcome.

Peter

[PeaceBlondie]

Peter, please pardon me if I barge in without being one of the specific persons you asked to reply.

You came to the world's epicenter for barboys in the middle of last year, fell in love or lust with a barboy who probably wasn't half your age, carried on the beginning of a LTR for a month or two - maybe 3 or even all of 4 months - and then you left. You came back in Febr. 2005, but only for two weeks -, and then you left. You'll come back in August 2005 for one week - and then you'll leave. Do you see a pattern of abandonment here? What do you mean by 'long term'?

I don't enjoy being this harsh, but you don't seem to have an LTR yet and you don't seem scheduled to have an LTR in the future.

Another example of real life in Thailand. My friend Joe met Sut, a barboy, and they stayed together a week (well, except they both saw other people in other commercial transactions). Then Joe left. Joe came back two months later, and he and Sut started in again (seeing other people in commercial transactions). Then Joe found a non-barboy for an LTR, and he was monogamous for about 10 months. When Joe started paying for sex again, Sut came back. And Sut left, and he came back. Recently, Joe went home for a month, and then they both came back (but not exclusively, and that's understood). Are Sut and Joe having a sort of LTR? Yes, but it's mostly about money (Joe is 3 times as old as Sut). They've taken two trips home to see Mom & Dad, but everybody knows that Joe a customer and Sut's a barboy.

Joe and Sut's story is common. It may resemble yours. I think by 'long-term relationship' we usually refer to a permanent or indefinite live-in monogamous situation where both people are in the same country at the same time. I doubt that this long-distance thing is that sort of relationship. I hope I'm wrong, as usual.

BTW, Sut is gorgeous, and he's a great performer, which is what he's paid to be.

I apologize if you and your LTR have nothing at all to do with money. Is your nonsexual source of regular income 4,000 baht per month, like the typical young Thai boy who's not in school?

[Ijustwannateach]

I think it's good for Peter to hear your advice, PB, if he hasn't heard it before- but something tells me he already knows the risks of what he's doing.

I gave one answer over on the other thread already, Peter, but I'll comment further here as one who's also been burned by long distance-relationships (as well as short-distance ones!)

Even in the best of times and in the best of conditions, it's hard to expect a 20-something-year-old to be properly settled down with one person. I wouldn't trust anyone younger than 25 to have a stable marriage in the modern era. Having a relationship between a much older gay man and a younger one that takes place across two different continents is just a completely unreasonable recipe- if you expect monogamy.

Before my little adventure now being recounted in the "My Ex" thread, I had another one with a long distance partner in another Asian country. I helped him with education and helped his family in the meantime. I was perfectly aware that he was not being monogamous while I was gone, and neither was I. This worked for awhile, until he got serious with a very jealous and nasty-tempered local boyfriend who pretty much drove me away. I kept helping him until he had finished his education, and we have remained friends since, but I have not been back to see him. Do I regret helping him? No. He was always completely honest with me (sometimes more so than I wished).

If you are pretty sure of your friend's honesty, this may be a wise way to go. On the other hand, there are lots of boys out there collecting "modest" amounts from a long list of men. The best way to be sure is to pay the school directly yourself; then at least you know whether or not he stays as an active student and some of your money is going to good use.

There're no guarantees, unfortunately. I agree with PB's statement that until you're living in the same country (and maybe even then), there's really nothing long term about it.

"Steven"

[peter991]

Thanks PB and Steven for your replies. My relationship with my Thai bf is currently a LDR (Long Distance Relationship) and I hope it will develop into a LTR (Long Term Relationship).

I agree with both of you regarding the problems of both. I think I will just have to play things by ear between now and August and then bring forward plans to retire to Thailand.

Like most people, I have been hurt before and I may get hurt again. I don't want to hurt my bf and every day away from him is to both of us a day wasted.

Peter

[anna234cn]

Most LDRs cannot last long. I tried once. But no result at last. I think I wont take it any more. Sometimes I even think I wasted lots of time and my affection.

[orchis]

I wd like to know why your retirement plan didnt work out and if you built the house before or after this plan fell apart, just curious.

[slapdashkitty]

WARNING: THIS REPLY IS HARSH!!!!

It might seriously damage any romantic notions you may have!!!

A relationship is 2 people being together...more than a few weeks a year.

The rosy filter of E-mail, post, and SMS often belies a sad truth.

And quite frankly would you even think about allowing someone you REALLY care for return to prostitution?

If it is real love, give it all up and go be with him...

[ChrisP]

Mine takes travelling to BKK every month.. and/or staying for long periods... and HUGE phone bills...!

ChrisP

[ChrisP]

There isn't any work for him in his village and he is too small to find work in Bangkok.

Umm, what kind of work... and what does "being small" have to do with work in BKK..?

ChrisP

[daveb1]

WARNING: THIS REPLY IS HARSH!!!!

It might seriously damage any romantic notions you may have!!!

A relationship is 2 people being together...more than a few weeks a year.

The rosy filter of  E-mail, post, and SMS often belies a sad truth.

And quite frankly would you even think about allowing someone you REALLY care for return to prostitution?

If it is real love, give it all up and go be with him...

Having been a professional agony uncle and given advice to many people about relationships for over 20 years I have to say you give good advice. I think you have hit the nail right on the head even if it seems a little harsh!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Edited April 27, 2005 by ChrisP

[Ijustwannateach]

There isn't any work for him in his village and he is too small to find work in Bangkok.

Umm, what kind of work... and what does "being small" have to do with work in BKK..?

ChrisP

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I took this as a face-saving excuse for the boy- translated: "I won't quit this to do 100B/day s*** work."

"Steven"

[peter991]

To bring you up to date and asnwer your questions:

Anna: Is there ever such a thing as wasted time and affection? I am sorry to hear that yours did not work out.

Orchis: The retirement plan didn't work out because the business I was a silent partner in, in Thailand, with a former Australian workmate and his Thai wife was sold by my mate's Thai wife and her Thai bf (that neither my Aussie mate nor myself knew about). Everything was in her name - result, TIT and we both ended up without a baht. The house is my Thai bf's name and I have leased it back from him on a 30 year lease.

Kitty: I am working as hard as I can so I can retire to Thailand as soon as I can, but it will be another 12 months until I can do so. I know the odds are against it working out, but I am giving it everything I can.

ChrisP and Steven: Being small of build (38kg) means a lot of employers automatically assume my bf is unable to do any manual work and he is overlooked in favour of more thick-set young guys, even though he is quite intelligent and a good worker with good communication skills and good English.

I have just got off the phone to him and he will stay in his village in Issan until I see him in a few months. I will approach the idea of more schooling for him later this week.

Peter

[Scott]

Peter, best of luck and hang in there. I've been in a relationship here for nearly 20 years--same person. Because of my work, much of it was a LDR; although it was an established relationship of living together for over 3 years before I had to go.

It's got it's difficulties, but not as bad as some might think.

Best thing is to set out some guidelines of what each other can/cannot do--regarding work, sexual behavior, etc. Then take things as they come.

If your bf's English is good, he should have little difficulty getting work in one of the service industries, such as waiter, etc. Since he has a foreign bf, manual labor would certainly be below his status. If he's in his village that may not be an option, however.

Anyway, best of luck. Your relationship is what the two of you decide to make it, not what others decide it should be.

[cabb]

love is everything tho. do it for love Peter.

[coolestuk]

I have been in a LDR (I'm not interested in whether others want to call it a LTR or not - in 3.5 years, we've physically been together about 12 months). My boyfriend and I met in what most people consider to be an unlikely situation for love to blossom (a sauna). And I wasn't looking for a relationship at all (I was a fit man in my 30s, enjoying my sexual freedom). He didn't like white men, but I approached him out of lust for him, and by the time he realised I was white, he felt too horny to back out. For me he was just another handsome man to have some fun with. But I'm considerate, and I could see later that he wanted to spend the rest of the day with me, and that he is quite shy, so I took care of him that day (little did I know that that very day he was falling in love with me). As fate would have it, that night I was attacked and concussed - and it was this man who took care of me for the rest of my time in Thailand. And in that week, I was to see the most amazing acts of love and kindness that I have witnessed in my adult life. And I started to think 'what is the point of going from one man to another - I don't think I could meet anyone better than this man'.

For the first 3 years or our relationship, my government repeatedly refused him even a tourist visa. Meanwhile, after the first year of our LDR I ended up losing my job because of a severe back injury that prevented me working, and sometimes even prevented me visiting him in Thailand (and even when I could fly, it was agony for me, and I would spend most of the flight standing up). When we met, my boyfriend barely even spoke English and was working as a shop assistant - now (after a lot of effort by him and me) he is working as a computer programmer and helping me in my business (a business that I mostly had to build lying flat on my back in bed).

Thankfully, the law has changed in the UK and he and I will be getting 'married' (it is not full marriage) later this year, and he will come to live with me here permanently.

So, if the feelings of the two parties are genuine and they are honest, I don't see any reason why a LDR should not become a succesful permanent relationship. I doubt if there are many relationships that could survive what my boyfriend and I have endured.

[peter991]

Thanks for sharing that story with us, Coolestuk. I don't know if you believe in fate - I don't even know if I do. I like to think it's just a case of being in the right place at the right time - and being yourself.

My favourite definition of LOVE is: When you care for another person more than you care for yourself.

Sounds like you are both in love with each other and I wish you every happiness and success today and in the future.

Peter