A Real Dilemma With My Thai Wife.

[jayjayjayjay]

She's bored.

Take her on a cruise, or something.

I totally agree with this. I am in my second relationship. In the first I was married to the wrong person. As good-a-person as she was, it was never going to be right with the wrong person, BUT, what I learned from that relationship is it takes more than physical presence and material goods to allow love to flourish.

It is hard work. I hope you can ask yourself, how often do you excite her. How often do you do the little things that are cute. How often do you surprise her with little small things. Not another baht of gold, and little flower picked from the side of the road. A little clay pig bought from a gift shop. A surprise weekend in the provinces. Take her to her favourite Thai singers concert, but surprise her by finding tickets without her knowing. It all takes time and effort, from morning to night 7 days a week.

I've been blessed with finding my true soul mate second time around. 5 years and I still make sure we never sleep on an argument. We both know how important the little things are.

[earthpig]

chockdee69,

sorry to say that you described my own situation to a tee, except that you have been more generous to her.

mine skipped town and left me with two infants. so based on my experience, all i can say is pick up the pieces and move on.

it seems to me that these thai farang relationships are built on a lot of dreaming on both sides. one party has been trapped in poverty, the other in a different sort of misery, often lonliness. both are willing to suspend belief and gamble.

once in a while gambling pays off.

in the meantime, your in thailand. carpe diem.

[Tonto21]

What exactly do you want to happen? Where do you see all this leading?

I don’t know where your living, but you need a buddy who you can tell all this too…….. And he can give you a wake-up slap! I’m sorry chokdee69, it’s time to man up! I can see from your post your hurt, I understand, and feel for you. It seems to me your wife and/or families are longer happy to wait for their shear of their inheritance. Your honeymoon period came and went. It’s phase 2 time, time to make you feel like you’re the problem! If you’re a softie just feed the family like a one armed bandit, “keep paying to keep playing”…….Welcome to your new position in the family pecking order……… Just below the dog!

In my view there are two thing to do in your situation, 1, sort out your sh#t and get out, no contact, send no money, no little I still love you sms’s in the night (change your sim)….. Nothing, cold turkey, and in 6 months you will wonder what all the flapping was about.

The other thing to do. Give her a reminder of life in BC (before chokdee69) cut off the dosh. Pack you bag, load the car with all that is valuable to you, tell her your offski and she’s had her chance. Get in your car and go and see Thailand, have a blast, Keep your phone on, just to see how often she phones and sends sms DO NOT REPLY, DO NOT TALK, I’m pretty sure she would want you back after a month or two, Who knows, you may like where you are better, and not go back! I hope!!!

Personally I would go for option one every time….. But each to his own. I know the easy thing would be to just sit tight, don’t do it Chokdee69, before you know it they will have you fitted with a nose ring.

Man-up time…. Good luck

[Canada]

It's a tough one. When is enough enough? I had 3 years of a lopsided relationship. Finally sent her home, and started dating....found a great girl. Don't know if she's the one, but.....gave me what I needed to get a divorce and just keep walking. That great big hole that I had imagined at the end of the relationship never did appear. What was all the fuss about. BTW...Thai guys laugh at us....there are so many women in this country...why would we allow ourselves to be treated like that? Having moved on already....gotta agree. Not laughing though. Good luck. Get a new one.

[hazz]

I have had two friends who had long term relationships with women who became monsters over short period of time with serious mood swings etc. what was unusual with these two was that both of the women had graves disease. Unfortunately by the time this was diagnosed and they got treatment the relationships were well and truly over.

[Canada]

what is graves disease?

[WarpSpeed]

You left out her age. If she is getting into her mid forties she could be hormonal as well..It sounds like for her she has achieved all of her goals and now she's bored..

Edited March 16, 2010 by WarpSpeed

[samuibeachcomber]

some amazingly frank replies here with good advice.Definitely dont hang around,move out and see what happens.Could be the best move you've ever made.

Most of these ladies have never had a pot to piss in,so why give them so much so soon?Cos we're softies maybe.Remember that tina turner song"what's love got to do with it"

[Roadman]

If she says you are the one with problems...what are the problems?

This was the one you avoided on line but do yourself a favour and answer it honestly by yourself.

Jot down all the things she sees as problems or issues. Then with help from anyone apart from your wife work through that list so that you can decide if what is on the list is a problem, is something that you want to change or vice versa are not prepared to change. The direction (and there is only a choice of two) you then need to go in is there for you to decide.

[hazz]

sorry, graves disease is an autoimmune disease affecting the thyroid gland that really screws you up in so many ways. Theres lots of info about it on the internet I understand that about 2% of women will suffer with this during their lives and about 0.5% of men.

Ive seen it treated with a few weeks of antidepressants and hormone replacement for a few years whilst the condition clears up naturally

Edited March 16, 2010 by hazz

[srisatch]

chockdee69,

sorry to say that you described my own situation to a tee, except that you have been more generous to her.

mine skipped town and left me with two infants. so based on my experience, all i can say is pick up the pieces and move on.

it seems to me that these thai farang relationships are built on a lot of dreaming on both sides. one party has been trapped in poverty, the other in a different sort of misery, often lonliness. both are willing to suspend belief and gamble.

once in a while gambling pays off.

in the meantime, your in thailand. carpe diem.

Interesting post earthpig........For the ability of Thai girls to abandon their children, whether to Granny, husbands...whether farang or Thai, husband's family I have yet to read a decent explanation....not women who have themselves been deserted either....And while material gain for the woman is obviously a big motive in many thai/farang relationships..there is clearly much more...as often enough is not enough...but often enough IS enough to ditch the guy....somewhere in all this I think 1. Language and the articulation of feeling is critical and 2.Farangs know about guilt and responsibility...Thais?...not a criticism...just different........

[elkangorito]

sorry, graves disease is an autoimmune disease affecting the thyroid gland that really screws you up in so many ways. Theres lots of info about it on the internet I understand that about 2% of women will suffer with this during their lives and about 0.5% of men.

Ive seen it treated with a few weeks of antidepressants and hormone replacement for a few years whilst the condition clears up naturally

Commonly known as "hyperthyroidism". Was very common in Asian countries, especially India, where salt is not iodised. It is usually characterised by an enlarged thyroid gland (swelling of the neck/throat) although may not be noticeable in some people. Obesity is common in people who suffer this.

[losworld]

She's bored.

Take her on a cruise, or something.

Maybe she is bored but she won't take a holiday unless I take along her entourage, of course I'd be footing the bill, that's fine but at this stage I don't feel like using good money to chase bad. Even when we do go on family holidays they sit in a huddle talking of course and I'm left to sit by myself, really I'd rather stay home. I don't expect her family and friends to speak to me in English but at least they try, my wife speaks quite good English, taught to her by me but whilst she with Thais that's the only language she want's to speak.

take the entourage to pattaya and when they huddle and ignore u tell them u r going out to find a little conversation return later rinse and repeat

she needs a wake up call

[elkangorito]

It's not as though I don't take care of her, we have 2 houses, our home is a 2 storey house on our own land, the other is a town house which is currently rented out because we couldn't sell it. We have a modern car, modern furniture and all the mod cons. She has around 12 baht gold and I'm on a very good retirement income, so you may say we want for nothing. So why has this happened, seriously I've got no idea.

So far, you've told us very little except that material possessions (consumerism) isn't helping.

[britmaveric]

^financially secure is what he has told us.

[elkangorito]

^ ...but emotionally insecure?

[james24]

here here give her a wake up call and stand by it. It wont work if you aren't willing to walk away but it seems by yr first post you might jus be there

[007cableguy]

You want to hope she doesn't turn out like this one !!

A Brit recently found himself in the oncology department in Bumrungrad. The cost of treatment kept increasing and eventually reached a point when he could no longer pay the bills. The hospital contacted the British Embassy to liaise with him and they explained to the patient that failure to pay the bills would see treatment ceased and he would be forced to go to another (most likely inferior) hospital for further treatment. With the patient's finances running out, the British Embassy contacted his family in the UK who transferred £10,000 to the guy's Thai wife's bank account so that treatment could continue at what is widely regarded as Thailand's best hospital. Unfortunately that isn't quite what happened. She saw the half million baht arrive in her account as a rather nice windfall and did a runner, disappearing when he needed her most. He died a week later. With some of these women their heart is as black as their arse.

ps .Took this from another forum

[Canada]

Now that is a sad story....and a bit of a wake up call. I have met a few guy here who laugh at the prospect of having a gf or wife....wonder why....

[Benjie]

You want to hope she doesn't turn out like this one !!

A Brit recently found himself in the oncology department in Bumrungrad. The cost of treatment kept increasing and eventually reached a point when he could no longer pay the bills. The hospital contacted the British Embassy to liaise with him and they explained to the patient that failure to pay the bills would see treatment ceased and he would be forced to go to another (most likely inferior) hospital for further treatment. With the patient's finances running out, the British Embassy contacted his family in the UK who transferred £10,000 to the guy's Thai wife's bank account so that treatment could continue at what is widely regarded as Thailand's best hospital. Unfortunately that isn't quite what happened. She saw the half million baht arrive in her account as a rather nice windfall and did a runner, disappearing when he needed her most. He died a week later. With some of these women their heart is as black as their arse.

ps .Took this from another forum

Weird that she just happened to work for the hospital, Oh no, wait. Obviously when paying medical bills you transfer the money to your family members wife rather than the private hospital, or, god forbid, go to see him when he's so very ill and pay directly.

[patong]

yes it's sad, but happens all over the world, just more in your face on this forum. just hope one day it dosen't come to that for me.

Edited March 16, 2010 by patong

[WeeGB]

OP, from what you've written, your relationship seems to be based solely on material things. There is no mention of love, respect, joint interests, fun, and simply just being together and enjoying each others company. Maybe you need to think about whether the relationship you're in, is the one you dreamed of when you were younger, and if not, why not?

Is there anywhere you could go, by yourself, to give you the time, space and tranquility to think long and hard about this relationship? Good decisions are rarely made in the heat of the moment. You've put a lot of time into this lady, it also seems sensible to have a long honest discussion with her, about where the relationship is, at this point in time, and where you both see it heading. But give yourself time to think things through yourself first.

Hope things work out for the best for you -what ever you decide.

WeeGB

[samuibeachcomber]

OP, from what you've written, your relationship seems to be based solely on material things. There is no mention of love, respect, joint interests, fun, and simply just being together and enjoying each others company. Maybe you need to think about whether the relationship you're in, is the one you dreamed of when you were younger, and if not, why not?

Is there anywhere you could go, by yourself, to give you the time, space and tranquility to think long and hard about this relationship? Good decisions are rarely made in the heat of the moment. You've put a lot of time into this lady, it also seems sensible to have a long honest discussion with her, about where the relationship is, at this point in time, and where you both see it heading. But give yourself time to think things through yourself first.

Hope things work out for the best for you -what ever you decide.

WeeGB

i dunno there's much to think about.She's lost interest,put 7 hard years in,has got everything she wants,12baht of gold,a car,two properties.Ok he can divorce her and hope to get 50%,but 50% of what?If you cant sell any of the properties then there's no money to be had.Sad to hear of so many have gone through something similar to the OP.

[billythefish]

She's bored.

Take her on a cruise, or something.

Maybe she is bored but she won't take a holiday unless I take along her entourage

It appears that divorce is the only way to solve this dead lock.

I don't mean to belittle your situation, but you must understand how it appears to the rest of us. There appear to be some large sections left out of your story. Have you tried this question?

Honey, which one of the following 2 concepts sounds more appealing to you, just the 2 of us going alone on a romantic cruise so we can spend some quality time alone and recapture the lost romance, or going down to ampur and getting a divorce? It's a simple question and I think the answer would be most informative. If she says anything other than selecting option #1 it will tell you all you need to know about her preferences.

There is something about being married 7 years, and then again at about 10 years. And according to my parents another cycle at about 20 - 25 years. Not scientific I know, but there is a large amount of anecdotal evidence to say that many partners have problems around these intervals, and many divorces happen subsequently.

I have to agree with Eff1n2ret. Sounds like normal boredom in a marriage and you have to struggle through it. But the key question is, does your wife want to stay married? Have you asked her? And I think thaihome is correct that without professional counselling it is unlikely that either of you will make the effort necessary to recover from this.

If the problem is that she doesn't want to stay married any more and you are simply afraid of being in Thailand alone and without her, then I would suggest the problem is yours and not hers. You should divorce her.

You can't make someone love you if they don't, and life is too short to spend it with someone who doesn't value your companionship.

I can just imagine trying to get that shit across..."Lub You Lot You Hansum Man" ....you really think they get to that level of communication? Half the people I know in the west can't talk to their wives like that.....never mind, the grass is so much greener just over there.

The shine has worn off of the chrome....get out!

[billythefish]

The best bet is to sell the daughters and kill the wife while she sleeps.....that's what I am planning!

[David006]

Maybe this story will help you understand:

A man was riding his Harley beside a Sydney beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, The Lord said.

'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to New Zealand so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said; 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought hard about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy'.

The Lord replied; 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

:D :D

thanks for that mate..gotta send that on the inet rounds....

[kikoman]

Woman's needs are the same all over the world, they also need respect and shown by the little things you do that you care for them, you say the problem is all with her ,I would bet if someone talked to her she would say the problem is all with you.

Ladies not only Thai ladies, emotions and needs are different then males, giving her materialistic items is not the only road to a happy marriage. They also need to know they are important in your life, communication is an important part of a relationship, my wife's English is fairly good, but she still thinks in Thai, It is very important to make sure you both know what the other is saying.

I have a brother that insists his wife gives him a two hour massage daily and bathes him, one day on a visit they made to my home, we were celebrating something and the wives were having a good time. He came into the room with his hair uncombed and with this mad look on his face, because she did not comb his hair.

If I asked him who is at fault when they start having problems, he will say it is her actions.They will have problems, even though I love my brother, he insist that he be the center of her life, she has two children she also must care for and one day she will become tired of his demands and stop being his own personal slave.

Make sure you by your demands and actions are not at fault before accusing her, If you had 6 good years before this last year, what happened to change it?

I would take a completely different approach then most of the other posters, I would sit down with her and tell her I love her and do not want to lose her, and if at all possible to work out a plan together, to try to gain back what has been lost in the last year.

If she was after your money. she would be long gone now as any type of separation will be a financial windfall for her.

Talk to her and follow your heart.

Good Luck, you will need it !

Cheers:

[johna]

If you decide to leave her, make sure to protect your assets prior to informing her of this decision.

Divorce is rarely an amicable affair.

Some wife's get really nasty when they see their ATM walking out the door.

[tgeezer]

I haven't been following the posts so excuse me if this has been covered.

It sounds as though you might be making more demands on the woman than she can give. You have given the security which she needs and she thinks that she has given what you needed; unpaid housekeeper, companion for life. Ask her if she really loves you, the answer should be something like; 'I am here arn't I'. Then ask yourself is this enough for you, if the answer is 'no' then what more do you want? if you want fawning over, to be loved, to be the center of her life, you will have to work at it. and then you might find that it isn't what you wanted is not likely to happen, lower your 'sights' on that front.

The answer, if you fit this situation, is to get out of her pocket. You need interests outside the home, make yourself admirable, independant of her, someone whom she is able to look up to, is willing to serve. You will probably find that what your life becomes is what you wanted in the first place.

Can you do that? and if not, why not?

[Naam]

The best bet is to sell the daughters and kill the wife while she sleeps.....that's what I am planning!

isn't it a waste not selling the wife too?