A Real Dilemma With My Thai Wife.

[chokdee69]

I have a serious relationship problem that won't go away. My Thai wife and I were married 7 years ago in the local amphur office and prior to that we were engaged for 12 months. The last 18 months have been really hard to take, she only seems to speak to me when she wants something. It's not as though I don't take care of her, we have 2 houses, our home is a 2 storey house on our own land, the other is a town house which is currently rented out because we couldn't sell it. We have a modern car, modern furniture and all the mod cons. She has around 12 baht gold and I'm on a very good retirement income, so you may say we want for nothing. So why has this happened, seriously I've got no idea. She has 2 adult daughters who treat me like their real father who was killed on a motor bike when they were young girls and my wifes grandson adores me. I'm a moderate drinker, I don't go to bars, I certainly don't play around with other women. I've never been violent with her even after the abuse I've copped for the most trivial things. I've tried many times to sort this problem out and everytime I get the same answer, there's no problem it's just me being stupid, how can I restore my relationship with replies like that. Has anyone been through this same situation, I'd be more than grateful for their replies. Even after what I copped over the last 18 months I'm still deeply in love with my wife bearing in mind she is my first wife I was single until I was 57yo, if she could just understand my feelings then we could fix this problem in no time but I'm afraid it's up to her as there's very little I can do about it. It appears that divorce is the only way to solve this dead lock. Thanks.

[Eff1n2ret]

She's bored.

Take her on a cruise, or something.

[chokdee69]

She's bored.

Take her on a cruise, or something.

Maybe she is bored but she won't take a holiday unless I take along her entourage, of course I'd be footing the bill, that's fine but at this stage I don't feel like using good money to chase bad. Even when we do go on family holidays they sit in a huddle talking of course and I'm left to sit by myself, really I'd rather stay home. I don't expect her family and friends to speak to me in English but at least they try, my wife speaks quite good English, taught to her by me but whilst she with Thais that's the only language she want's to speak.

[thaihome]

So, you were 57 before you committed to a relationship. Gee, you reckon maybe you have some intimacy issues?

Seriously, it seems unlikely you will be able to repair this relationship without some serious work on both sides, and professional help is probably required. Highly doubtful to have that happen within Thai culture.

My advice is get a mia noi, that’s the Thai way for a man with your resources.

TH

[gregb]

She's bored.

Take her on a cruise, or something.

Maybe she is bored but she won't take a holiday unless I take along her entourage

It appears that divorce is the only way to solve this dead lock.

I don't mean to belittle your situation, but you must understand how it appears to the rest of us. There appear to be some large sections left out of your story. Have you tried this question?

Honey, which one of the following 2 concepts sounds more appealing to you, just the 2 of us going alone on a romantic cruise so we can spend some quality time alone and recapture the lost romance, or going down to ampur and getting a divorce? It's a simple question and I think the answer would be most informative. If she says anything other than selecting option #1 it will tell you all you need to know about her preferences.

There is something about being married 7 years, and then again at about 10 years. And according to my parents another cycle at about 20 - 25 years. Not scientific I know, but there is a large amount of anecdotal evidence to say that many partners have problems around these intervals, and many divorces happen subsequently.

I have to agree with Eff1n2ret. Sounds like normal boredom in a marriage and you have to struggle through it. But the key question is, does your wife want to stay married? Have you asked her? And I think thaihome is correct that without professional counselling it is unlikely that either of you will make the effort necessary to recover from this.

If the problem is that she doesn't want to stay married any more and you are simply afraid of being in Thailand alone and without her, then I would suggest the problem is yours and not hers. You should divorce her.

You can't make someone love you if they don't, and life is too short to spend it with someone who doesn't value your companionship.

[chokdee69]

So, you were 57 before you committed to a relationship. Gee, you reckon maybe you have some intimacy issues?

Seriously, it seems unlikely you will be able to repair this relationship without some serious work on both sides, and professional help is probably required. Highly doubtful to have that happen within Thai culture.

My advice is get a mia noi, that's the Thai way for a man with your resources.

TH

Thanks for your advice TH, really I don't want a mia noi and professional advice is out of the question because her attitude is that she's never wrong so what's there to fix. What get's me is why were things so good in our first 6 years if this is her normal behaviour. To the previous poster I said I was married for the first time at 57years of age, of course I had flings and live ins until I met met current wife and decided to settle down.

[TAWP]

If she says you are the one with problems...what are the problems?

[up-country_sinclair]

It seems as if there are some serious communication issues that need to be addressed.

From your post I gather that your Thai isn't great...how is her English?

[britmaveric]

Usually not speaking is a good thing.

Edited March 16, 2010 by britmaveric

[chokdee69]

It seems as if there are some serious communication issues that need to be addressed.

From your post I gather that your Thai isn't great...how is her English?

I know many Thai words but I can't make sentences, I can make myself understood when I'm alone shopping etc. My wifes English whilst its not great I'd give her 5 out of 10 which is better than most Thai can talk English and when we do talk we only talk English.

[parryhandy]

Looks to me like she has everything she wants and if your not giving her things she don't want you.

[Riley'sLife]

Maybe this story will help you understand:

A man was riding his Harley beside a Sydney beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, The Lord said.

'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to New Zealand so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said; 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought hard about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy'.

The Lord replied; 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

[dmax]

usual shit with thai wives i think , they just take us for granted and do not appreciate everything we have done for them, i went through blood sweat tears to get my wife here to uk and now she has more money in her bank account than any of her friends, but still treats me like a dog sometimes,i love her and i sometimes pity her but i question what am i doin g here now, i wouldnt be with her now only for our 11 mth old daughter.

at least you have money coming in, give her an ultimatum and if she still persists then ??????

Edited March 16, 2010 by dmax

[fredob43]

Im sorry to say this, but I think you already know that the writing on the wall, as they say. Sound's like you live near the family, Fatal, Also got load's of gold. Got two house's, got every thing, All fatal. The answer is she dos'nt need you. Seem's to me your just there to pay for all the bit's and pieces. Dont tell, but how's your sex life if that's a goner, well maybe you should be as well. Sorry for sounding hard, but Ive seen it, found it, done it. As many of us have. You say it's your first marriage. And I know it's hard. But bugger off, and dont tell her where. If and when she phone's, dont answer. It will hurt you more than it's going to hurt her. But it might bring her to her senses. At least your in the right country not to ever be lonely. I have a chum who's going through the same thing. I advised him to go over two year's ago. He didnt and his life is now purgatory. The best of luck with the out come. If it dose go pair shaped. At least try and get a few thing's back.

[saintofsilence]

Sorry to see what has happened to you but its the usual story a lot of these girls look at a falang as a meal ticket they plan to suck as much as they can out of you unti they break you financially and mentally .

Try and get back as much as you can and get out of as soon as you can.

[onlycw]

Chocdee, this must be very painful for you.

Loss will teach her your value - go away for a month or two, stay incommunicado and watch the money, make arrangements what you keep something for yourself.

You just being the paymaster, is that what you accept as your role from now till the day you die?

I have a friend who is over 60 and very hen pecked. The wife's brothers all expect a salary from him (!) and all these freeloaders and hanger-ons make me sick.

When things stay as they are, you might as well end it - and start all over again. She needs to RESPECT you, or else who are just a breathing ATM.

a separation might rattle her a bit.

Good luck and take care

[whiterussian]

Find out if she has a fella on the side...

and/or

Spend some money on yourself... go on a trip without her ...

good luck.

plenty more fish in the sea here. And she knows it. Maybe you dont.

[ray23]

Yep tough place to be, been there finally I felt nothing I could do would please her, I just gave up. So the answer got down to someone needs to be happy. Might as well be me. Mind you I told her for five years if things continued on with the attitude from her. I would walk. Well lets face after five years would you believe it, neither did she.

So I woke up one morning packed up the stuff for a trip with the bike. She asked me where I was going I tole her the truth I didn't know, just knew I was going. Told everything was hers. As I left it was I'm going to the lawyer. To be honest I didn't care what I lost nothing was worth a life of misery. Like you I have a good retirement I can rebuild.

Now that does not sound like much fun having to do it all over again. But, that way you have hope, if your a door mat a I had become there is no hope for yourself. Change is scary stuff, for everyone. But not nearly a scary a waiting the balance of your life in misery when you have worked so hard for what is being taken for granted.

I hadn't made it a 100 klms before the phone was ringing, I just didn't answer for a couple of days, then it went to SMS's begging me to come home. Finally responded with a SMS and told her I wasn't coming back I simply could not give her a happy life. I finally returned home and things changed dramaticaly. Now things are good. Might require another trip someday. Relationships are hard and being together 7/24 makes it even harder.

Bottom line the answer is not in her, it's in you. No magic to it. Mind you I didn't raise my voice nor did I threaten anything. It simple was what it was. If it had went the other way so be it. Unless you have hit this point you are just replaying a broken record in mind. If it goes the other way, then at least you have hope in being happy, now it really doesn't sound like you are.

Remember until take care of yourself you can't take care of anyone else.

Good luck to you stay out of the games.

[theoldgit]

You are not alone my friend and you are brave to post your difficulties on this forum, which is renowned for it's flaming.

I was in a similar position, I purchased a nice house and my girl friend, and her children, wanted for nothing. I was perhaps a little blinkered into thinking there was some love there so I married her. I wasn't naive to think that she was madly in love with me but I thought we had a good relationship, I would take care of her and her me, and when I popped my clogs she would have everything, and a decent pension for life.

When I eventually retired and moved to Thailand to live out my days in my dream home with the expectation that my new wife and would take care of each other, and maybe have some fun, my dreams came crashing down, it was evidently clear that living happily ever after wasn't part of her game plan, and my life turned into a living hel_l.

I decided that I needed to get out of that hel_l hole even if it meant losing everything, life is too short. Well I moved out and somehow she managed to lease the house the same day, clearly the market had picked up.

Anyway I engaged a lawyer and have been through the courts and I will now get 50% back, though the house has to be sold which will not be easy.

I have to accept that I got taken in by a wrong un whose sole objective was to milk me for everything I had, but I was too stupid to see it. OK I persevered and will get something back, but she will have made far more out of her scam than she could have ever made by doing a proper job, but if she had hung on a few years she would have kept everything plus a decent pension, suspect she she got greedy and just wanted a short term gain, or maybe I was just too awful to be with.

Well that's a pretty long story and pretty off topic but Chokdee69 maybe your wife is looking to cash in her chips, so you really need to start looking at protecting your interests.

[Thongkorn]

I have just read the first few threads, Sorry but if she loves you she would not treat you like she does, Make a decision what you want out of your relationship then stick to it, If She cannot start to respect that you need some interaction then i think you have to do some serious thinking.

[chiang mai]

You are not alone my friend and you are brave to post your difficulties on this forum, which is renowned for it's flaming.

I was in a similar position, I purchased a nice house and my girl friend, and her children, wanted for nothing. I was perhaps a little blinkered into thinking there was some love there so I married her. I wasn't naive to think that she was madly in love with me but I thought we had a good relationship, I would take care of her and her me, and when I popped my clogs she would have everything, and a decent pension for life.

When I eventually retired and moved to Thailand to live out my days in my dream home with the expectation that my new wife and would take care of each other, and maybe have some fun, my dreams came crashing down, it was evidently clear that living happily ever after wasn't part of her game plan, and my life turned into a living hel_l.

I decided that I needed to get out of that hel_l hole even if it meant losing everything, life is too short. Well I moved out and somehow she managed to lease the house the same day, clearly the market had picked up.

Anyway I engaged a lawyer and have been through the courts and I will now get 50% back, though the house has to be sold which will not be easy.

I have to accept that I got taken in by a wrong un whose sole objective was to milk me for everything I had, but I was too stupid to see it. OK I persevered and will get something back, but she will have made far more out of her scam than she could have ever made by doing a proper job, but if she had hung on a few years she would have kept everything plus a decent pension, suspect she she got greedy and just wanted a short term gain, or maybe I was just too awful to be with.

Well that's a pretty long story and pretty off topic but Chokdee69 maybe your wife is looking to cash in her chips, so you really need to start looking at protecting your interests.

Well done OG.

[neverdie]

You are not alone my friend and you are brave to post your difficulties on this forum, which is renowned for it's flaming.

I was in a similar position, I purchased a nice house and my girl friend, and her children, wanted for nothing. I was perhaps a little blinkered into thinking there was some love there so I married her. I wasn't naive to think that she was madly in love with me but I thought we had a good relationship, I would take care of her and her me, and when I popped my clogs she would have everything, and a decent pension for life.

When I eventually retired and moved to Thailand to live out my days in my dream home with the expectation that my new wife and would take care of each other, and maybe have some fun, my dreams came crashing down, it was evidently clear that living happily ever after wasn't part of her game plan, and my life turned into a living hel_l.

I decided that I needed to get out of that hel_l hole even if it meant losing everything, life is too short. Well I moved out and somehow she managed to lease the house the same day, clearly the market had picked up.

Anyway I engaged a lawyer and have been through the courts and I will now get 50% back, though the house has to be sold which will not be easy.

I have to accept that I got taken in by a wrong un whose sole objective was to milk me for everything I had, but I was too stupid to see it. OK I persevered and will get something back, but she will have made far more out of her scam than she could have ever made by doing a proper job, but if she had hung on a few years she would have kept everything plus a decent pension, suspect she she got greedy and just wanted a short term gain, or maybe I was just too awful to be with.

Well that's a pretty long story and pretty off topic but Chokdee69 maybe your wife is looking to cash in her chips, so you really need to start looking at protecting your interests.

Well done OG.

Agreed, well done TheOldGit and coming out the otherside couldnt of happened to a nicer bloke....keep smiling mate, with an atitude like yours you've probably got another 100 years of happiness coming your way.

[NADTATIDA1]

Some really good responses to the op's dilema on this thread,i would say that maybe you know that to leave her is the right thing to do...if she is not taking her part of the marriage seriously she has lost respect for everything you have worked for and obviously is milking you at the same time.

It has happened to me before but as soon as i had an inkling i was off,no fuc_king aroung gone! It was a major decision in my life but it had to be made for not only my future happiness but my daughters too! I t took me a couple of years to get back on track,no regrets.

I read that you have her daughters from her ex,and i understand it is still hard to leave when you think you have a responsibility through your marriage to take care of them also.

Ask the question and see what the response is?

At the end of it all though if you stay together could she change? and could you live with the thought of supporting her and her family when you have seen first hand her disrespect for you in marriage.

Good luck and i wish you well!

[Sisaketmike]

She's bored.

Take her on a cruise, or something.

bearing in mind she is my first wife I was single until I was 57yo,

A 57 year old virgin? Of course..being Catholic.....

[soundman]

Nonsense post and reply have been removed. Please try to post content that other members can understand.

[old wanderer]

Boy when I read stories like this, I feel soo lucky having been married for 14 years now...

A couple of suggestions that might push the relationship in a new direction...you say the daughters are like your own. Start asking them questions about your wife's private life....is she having an afair, talking confidentially to them you might have to leave, as you know trying to keep a secret in Thailand is impossible.

Two...start going to school to learn Thai...make it clear you are sick of being left out of the conversations, then go to school...you might not like it at 1st but as you start to gain proficiency you will. Better yet if it was in another city, so the family can feel some of the loss. Cut the funds a bit, to pay for your expenses and let them feel a little bit of the pinch...

You can always leave, but try something else to get off high center that you are stuck on now.

[eurasianthai]

A 57 year old virgin? Of course..being Catholic.....

Well, small boys come to mind.

Sorry, could not help it, since it is making news these days...

[scorecard]

It seems as if there are some serious communication issues that need to be addressed.

From your post I gather that your Thai isn't great...how is her English?

Here's another aspect, which you didn't touch on in your earlier posts, and I mention this with respect - does she have another man, either Thai or farang on the side.

Also, perhaps tied to the paragraph above, I can't see any answers, from you, about your wifes age. Is there a big age diference? And i'm not meaning to be judgemental about that point.

[eurasianthai]

7 years is actually the magic number, you go through it or you don't.

This is the time when love (as lust love) is totally gone and empathy should have taken over.

If it did, chances are good you'll go through the following 7 years.

[NADTATIDA1]

Boy when I read stories like this, I feel soo lucky having been married for 14 years now...

A couple of suggestions that might push the relationship in a new direction...you say the daughters are like your own. Start asking them questions about your wife's private life....is she having an afair, talking confidentially to them you might have to leave, as you know trying to keep a secret in Thailand is impossible.

Two...start going to school to learn Thai...make it clear you are sick of being left out of the conversations, then go to school...you might not like it at 1st but as you start to gain proficiency you will. Better yet if it was in another city, so the family can feel some of the loss. Cut the funds a bit, to pay for your expenses and let them feel a little bit of the pinch...

You can always leave, but try something else to get off high center that you are stuck on now.

I understand the point you make about talking to the daughters but he will definately get no joy there as either way they will not talk about there mother and her behavior to him,Thais do not grass on there family under any circumstances,especially there mothers relationship with a foriegner.

They will know full well what is going on and are probably privy to her behavior,in fact without sounding crude they will only feel a little sad when the money stops.That is and will be there main concern.remember lies tend to run in the family!