Finding Mr Right

[peter991]

I have just read through this months 'Feel Good' topic ... Eight Years. It's wonderful that there exists compatible people who manage to form long-term relationships (be they gay or straight). Please spare a thought for those of us yet to find Mr Right.

I have just started (Thai) relationship number 3.

Number 1 was an amazing Thai guy. Young, not very well educated, but with excellent English. Due to Forum rules, I can't tell you where in Pattaya I met him - but that's a big enough clue. We had a great 3 years together. I took him to Australia and things were looking up. I built us a house and was happy (for 2.5 years) and was about to buy us a rice farm when he got greedy and lazy.

Number 2 was a guy I met on the Internet years before I had a relationship with Number 1. University educated and from Bangkok, he had a temporary government job for a number of years. He persisted and studied hard and recently got a permanent position. He got knocked back for a tourist visa to Australia, so we visited Singapore, Hong Kong, Cambodia and I saw more of Thailand with him than I thought possible. In the last two holidays I had to Thailand, the 'magic seemed to be missing. A fortnight ago, it was non-existent and we parted - as friends.

Number 3 is interesting. Minimal education, left the far north of Thailand 4 months ago to find work. Worked at a 7-Eleven in Bangkok for 3 months before trying his luck in Pattaya. He's back home now - taking a break with family until Songkran is over, then he will do a short-term English course. I have big hope for the two of us. In the past, they have been long-distance relationships. I intend to retire to Thailand soon so I am keeping my fingers crossed.

I am interested in YOUR experiences - yes, some of us have long-term relationships. How about those guys who prefer to butterfly (have one night stands) or have had a number of relationships.

Peter

[samtam]

Just an outside observer on these matters - I'm happily married to my partner, for 25 years. (He's not Thai, but Asian. He has a first class university degree, and speaks English fluently; we worked in financial services, both in executive positions.)

I am surprised at your optimism, (naivety?), that after two attempts at the hugely diverse socio economic strata between yourself and younger (I presume) Thai men, why might it work this time round? In my reading of it, it never works - gay or straight. ThaiV is littered with stories of the latter scenario.

I wish you luck, of course, but I think your expectations are way off. (Sorry.)

[isanbirder]

Most of us could write pages on this topic, so I'll keep it short.

Firstly, a long-distance relationship is unlikely to develop into a real partnership. It does happen, but in my experience rarely.

Secondly, you have to go into the relationship as equals. That may not mean equal in terms of money, but you must both have your own aims in life, and obviously they must be compatible. My current partner (8 years +) is a village boy who left school after P.6 at age 13. I helped him through Mathayom at the Non-Formal Education scheme, then to a Higher Diploma at Vocational College. We now have a farm, which he started and he runs; he's the village representative at one of the local councils... and he is going places. Obviously I'm proud of him, and that's important. I am retired now, but have had various achievements in life which I won't go into here.

Thirdly, if you go looking for Mr Right, you'll probably fail. It just happens (or not)... and may depend to a degree on the kind of person you are.

Fourthly, sex is fine... but not a basis for a real partnership!

Good luck!

[Pawpcorn]

OK! Well, I'll weigh in on this... and guys, please note this is only MY opinion, from MY experiences... and if your experiences are different, or you strongly disagree with me... please don't RAG on me...!!! Just respect our mutual differences of opinion, and feel free to share your experiences too; OK?

OK! Disclaimer done! Whew!

Here's what my experiences have taught me:

YES I am living in Bangkok, Thailand, and YES, my first Thai "boyfriend" was 19, (when I was 56) but he was the miracle boyfriend that I had met on Skype, when I was still working in California.

Amazingly (it seemed at the time), he was back in bed with his old boyfriend after I was here only 4 days, although I had completely uprooted myself, giving EVERYTHING away, coming here with only $6000 in my pocket (that was our MAIN problem!) to be with him....

Gads that was a fun 4 days, though... for many reasons that you can imagine.

Anyway, he had told me (when I was still in the states) that he would "love me forever"!! Of course I believed him, gullible fool that I was. I just didn't understand that all Thia "boys" lie, and that "forever" really meant 4 days.

I don't regret it though, he got me here, and that's the main thing.

I went through 2 more boyfriends in the next 6 weeks (more lying and money issues), then met the "keeper" on Oct. 9, 2006, when I was flat broke, and we've been together ever since.

Don't ever make the mistake of thinking that Thai guys understand one bit of that deep heart-pounding earth-shaking romantic thing we call LOVE in the Western world....!!! If you look for that, you'll just be continually fooled as the various boys read the script from the "Hook the Westerner" book, feeding your "hungry heart".

But if you can accept "love" as meaning the person "cares" for you, and takes really really good care of you, seeing that just about anything and everything you want and need is taken care of, (letting you focus on WORK and SURVIVAL) while being the interface/translator for ALL things foreign (and most ALL things are foreign or make no sense), while willing and able to satisfy most sexual needs and desires... Well, the Thai boyfriend is for you.

And as in my case, as one enters into the ages of 60... being taken care of starts to sound better and better, lol.

At the mentally mature age of 37, my boyfriend is the best friend, best lover, most sexy, beautiful and overall BEST boyfriend I've ever had, so I count my blessings.

I'm still trying to get used to Thai Love, but luckily, I adapt VERY VERY fast, so it's not too difficult for this romantic to relearn Love as being more of a "practical" matter.

Everything in Thai life is "practical". Initially it may not make ANY sense, but upon further analysis... you'll find most everything in Thailand is simple and practical.

And perhaps "Simple and Practical" is just another way of saying... "Amazing Thailand".

Good luck to you, in finding true Love and Happiness.

Regards,

Pawpcorn

[Ijustwannateach]

Most of the guys I've dated work- as do I- and we take care of ourselves more or less, though I'm happy to help out a sick friend and have had similar support when I'm ill. I do my best at speaking Thai and take care of my own domestic needs. As far as I can tell, 'love' is just as significant emotionally (and maybe even more) to the Thais I have known as it is to me.

[chrisyork]

I think that's a very perceptive answer from Pawpcorn. I'm 56 and my BF is 37, so a similar age profile. But we've been together 11 years now It's been a very rocky road through some major trauma's that most here would certainly have finished over. Including him marrying without telling me and then my having to sort out the divorce for him! We are now really happy, I'm a key component of his family at home, stand in Father to three of the family's kids, consulted on all key decisions (shall we plant kassava or sugar cane this year?) etc. Is he right for me? 100%. Luckily I recognised this very early on having had a similar relationship back in the UK which ended with my significant others death in a road accident before I'd worked out how important he was to me. Therefore I took the trouble to work hard at it and to adapt and learn the Thai way and culture.

If you really think there's something there, don't be put off with things that your peers would tell you to finish over. Work at it! It's not for nothing that the (straight) marriage vows are worded the way they are. All relationships need hard work. Really worthwhile ones need even more.

Oh, and how did we meet? Complete accident. Neither looking for anyone (yes really - not even a one nighter or a payday), just eyeballed each other in a bar and the rest is history.

Chris

[thgadget]

From my relationships with Aussie guys when I studied in Australia, Aussie guys are really sweet, romantic, and very friendly. lol

It seems like you have faith in finding true love with Thai guy. Good luck with your present bf. : )

[letsgeekout]

Thai guys have really bad reputation over the years - but have faith and remember despite the difference in age, religion and culture we should be equal in a relationship. Good luck with yours and he's one lucky guy to have someone as nice and caring as yourself!

[peter991]

Update: I think this time it's for real. He has lived in Australia for the past 3 years and we met unexpectedly. He is still an Issan boy at heart - we are going back 'home' to Thailand in 10 weeks (for a holiday). He hates the Australian winter, so it might be sooner.

Peter

[isanbirder]

Update: I think this time it's for real. He has lived in Australia for the past 3 years and we met unexpectedly. He is still an Issan boy at heart - we are going back 'home' to Thailand in 10 weeks (for a holiday). He hates the Australian winter, so it might be sooner.

Peter

Good luck, Peter. But take your time!

[ginqueen30]

i tried to help a money boy out when i opened my bar in Koh Samui 4 years ago,,,he said he didn't want to do that anymore, so i gave him a chance,,,I like others soon realised " you can take the boy out of the bar, but not the bar out of the boy " once a lying thief always a lying thief.......However i met my current boyfriend 4 years ago thos June 21st @ 1430hrs, he was readingan english dictionary to teach himself,,,had a Job at Mc donalds, one thing lead etc etc.

He never asked to move in, i suggested after 3 months,,,,he never wanted to quit his job for easier time in the bar,,,until i was expanding, got let down, then he suggested..he has never asked for 1 baht, even though i can not afford to pay him salary for 2 years, only tips he gets, and when we have a good night and i give him a few thousand,,i know he put some back in the till!!!!!

I even made him a director/major shareholder of my company after 2 years, so if i die he at least had something, 1 year later he gave it back thinking he was bad luck,even changed his name,,i tried to explain global recession etc,,but there you go.

My main point is don't tar everyone with the same brush there are good guys out there.

Jonno xxx

[chantorn]

Why is wrong with people like me that you guy just bypass as if I am not there?

[Ijustwannateach]

If you are a real person (with a job, etc.) that's probably a starting point for why the perpetual tourists aren't interested. The tourist/English speaking scene socialises them to moneyboys, and they don't know how to contact and aren't interested in those outside it. That's why you see these ridiculous statements about 'all' Thai 'boys' (shudder) do this, are like that, etc.

[Navalator]

Four of my farang/Thai couple friends have split this year (and it is only June!). The lazy and greedy syndrome of the Thai boy seems to be common in the explanations for the split. The only way to combat that is to be more selective in choosing a partner. Thai boys and girls are masters of deception and lying so you will need a crystal ball to help you do the selecting. And don't set yourself up for failure by granting every selfish "want" the boy demands. He does not need the latest mobile phone with all of the bells and whistles in order to make a call, nor an additional gold chain to show off to his drinking buddies on the beach, nor does he "need" to sleep until noon each day. If you permit it once, then just give up as you have pilloried yourself. A relationship with a Thai boy can be beautiful and there are scores of deserving boys in the population who do not have the boy bar mentality.

Edited June 6, 2010 by Navalator

[isanbirder]

Secondly, you have to go into the relationship as equals. That may not mean equal in terms of money, but you must both have your own aims in life, and obviously they must be compatible. My current partner (8 years +) is a village boy who left school after P.6 at age 13. I helped him through Mathayom at the Non-Formal Education scheme, then to a Higher Diploma at Vocational College. We now have a farm, which he started and he runs; he's the village representative at one of the local councils... and he is going places. Obviously I'm proud of him, and that's important. I am retired now, but have had various achievements in life which I won't go into here.

Near the beginning of this thread, I wrote this. Don't ever forget it!

[hutsumoto]

In my opinion (As a thai boy)

As we heard that "Thai boys are money catcher", this is quite a stereo type one.

Though it is pretty obvious that this kind of thai boy is just like what you've seen,

when compare to the the number of total thai gay boys, it's just nothing.

One out of ten becomes money catcher while the other nine are living their culture

normally and happy.Many came from rich family, good looking great job and what so ever.

The very big problem for us is "Language" (even me, sorry for my english)

there are plenty of good gay guys in Thiland but you might have not seen

because they can't speak english so they keep on joing the Thai community.

They are really afraid of talking with Farang because they don't want to make a gramma mistake,

that's why they are not trying to approach foreigners.

Now back to the one out of ten, this kind of guys they know what they want

and where to get what they want. They know that a big bag of coins came from Farang

so they practice themselves and try to approach Farang as their target.

Do they have another options? The answer is "Why do I have to leave this shortcut while this is the easiest way with less work"

When this kind of picture is repeated, Thai boys become a money catcher autometically.

For me as a Thai gay guy I don't think money is my issue but the english skill is.

I do love to talk with Foreigners, I have some as friends, or even want to have foreigner boyfriend.

But it's not easy for guys like us to find the right farang because the wall of language and culture.

There are some communities that open the doors for us but it's only a few as I've heard.

For those who have well educated, fluent speaker of course they have less problem than us.

My friends can easily find their soulmates from their work places, friend of friend, collages, or even aboard.

Many live together like 5years, 7 years or even married in Canada without the money concern.

I don't know you guys will understand what i'm trying to explain or not, I'm so sorry about may bad english.

I just want to show you another perspective which you might not know before

[isanbirder]

In my opinion (As a thai boy)

As we heard that "Thai boys are money catcher", this is quite a stereo type one.

Though it is pretty obvious that this kind of thai boy is just like what you've seen,

when compare to the the number of total thai gay boys, it's just nothing.

One out of ten becomes money catcher while the other nine are living their culture

normally and happy.Many came from rich family, good looking great job and what so ever.

The very big problem for us is "Language" (even me, sorry for my english)

there are plenty of good gay guys in Thiland but you might have not seen

because they can't speak english so they keep on joing the Thai community.

They are really afraid of talking with Farang because they don't want to make a gramma mistake,

that's why they are not trying to approach foreigners.

Now back to the one out of ten, this kind of guys they know what they want

and where to get what they want. They know that a big bag of coins came from Farang

so they practice themselves and try to approach Farang as their target.

Do they have another options? The answer is "Why do I have to leave this shortcut while this is the easiest way with less work"

When this kind of picture is repeated, Thai boys become a money catcher autometically.

For me as a Thai gay guy I don't think money is my issue but the english skill is.

I do love to talk with Foreigners, I have some as friends, or even want to have foreigner boyfriend.

But it's not easy for guys like us to find the right farang because the wall of language and culture.

There are some communities that open the doors for us but it's only a few as I've heard.

For those who have well educated, fluent speaker of course they have less problem than us.

My friends can easily find their soulmates from their work places, friend of friend, collages, or even aboard.

Many live together like 5years, 7 years or even married in Canada without the money concern.

I don't know you guys will understand what i'm trying to explain or not, I'm so sorry about may bad english.

I just want to show you another perspective which you might not know before

Nice to hear from someone who is not a farang. Yes, I agree with you that language is the main problem. In Singapore I can walk into a gay bar with confidence that anyone I speak to will be able to communicate in English. In Thailand, if I could find the kind of venue that most decent Thai gays would go to, I would be a solitary , rather shy, farang whom everybody would stare at. If I tried to communicate (even in Thai) I'd be met with an embarrassed giggle. Of course there are other ways to meet, and indeed I have a few well-educated Thai gay friends, including my closest friend (apart from my partner) in the whole country.

Of course we farangs should learn Thai, but that's a hope that, quite frankly, is unlikely to be fulfilled. Many of us are at an age at which learning a new language is very difficult indeed, especially a tonal language like Thai, where we just don't hear the tonal differences. I think the solution, if you can use that word, lies with the Thais... and if you say, "I'm Thai; why should I learn a foreign language to communicate with people in my own country?" I would have a lot of sympathy with you. But is there really any other way?

[JohnLeech]

Secondly, you have to go into the relationship as equals. That may not mean equal in terms of money, but you must both have your own aims in life, and obviously they must be compatible. My current partner (8 years +) is a village boy who left school after P.6 at age 13. I helped him through Mathayom at the Non-Formal Education scheme, then to a Higher Diploma at Vocational College. We now have a farm, which he started and he runs; he's the village representative at one of the local councils... and he is going places. Obviously I'm proud of him, and that's important. I am retired now, but have had various achievements in life which I won't go into here.

Near the beginning of this thread, I wrote this. Don't ever forget it!

And its still by far the most valid thing posted here (unlike the worn-out and blinkered "you can take the boy out of the bar, but not the bar out of the boy " once a lying thief always a lying thief" etc, etc).

In our particular case going into the relationship as equals didn't mean quantifiably equal finances, possessions, education, achievements or social standing (whatever that means), most of which if one is honest are at least in part the result of an accident of birth. It meant us both putting 100% into the relationship - everything we had, and I mean everything, heart, body, soul and bank manager!

[neilrob]

Good post Hutsumoto. I do understand what you mean and there is absolutely no need for you to apologise for your English, which is clear and very good.