A Salute To The French

[alvino]

Hey, Pierre, how do we say 'aileron' in French?

We say 'aileron' -- we invented it!

Ok, so how the fuggin' thing work?

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(This thread is designed for infinity.....)

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Strange Coincidence with this pic and the Air France incident in Toronto today.

deja-vu?

[dr_Pat_Pong]

and Air France dropped an Airbus in Canada today too. ( No joke )

[andyfletch]

TERROR ALERT IN FRANCE

Paris, July 15, 2005- AP and UPI reported that the French government

has raised its terror alert level from RUN to HIDE on their four

level danger scale.  The two higher French danger levels are

COLLABORATE and SURRENDER.

According to informed sources, the rise was precipitated by a

suspicious fire yesterday which destroyed France's white flag

factory, effectively paralyzing its military. In light of the recent

attacks in London, it is widely anticipated that the terror alert

will be elevated to the third

level before the weekend.

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The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance"

to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels,

"invade a neighbour" and "lose".

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe, the Americans have gone from

"isolationism" to "find somewhere else in the Middle East ripe for regime

change".

Their remaining higher alert states are "take on the world" and "ask the British for help".

Finally, here in the UK, we've gone from "pretend nothing's happening" to "make another cup of tea".

[andyfletch]

It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert, The Italians have increased their alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing".

Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".

[dr_Pat_Pong]

It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert, The Italians have increased their alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing".

Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".

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[andyfletch]

Two Englishmen and a Frenchman walking down a beach trip over a lamp. After some discusion they rub the lamp and out pops a genie.

He looks at them and then says:

" Theres 3 of you!!...........I only have 3 wishes to give, so its one wish each"

So the first Englishman says: " I would like to be the sole owner and proprietor of the best brewery in England. Nobody gets my beer unless they are prepared to pay the prices I set, I choose the pubs which can sell my beer and thats that!"

" No problem" says the genie, and with a flash the Englishman has the title deeds for the brewery in his hand.

Watching this the Frenchman turns round and says: " Ok, I'm getting a bit p!ssed off with all these foreigners coming to France. I want you to build a wall round the entire French border, total border control, nobody in or out by land."

"Easy" says the genie...........flash..........."its done"

Second Englishman says: " Tell me more about this wall"................

Genie says " This is the mother of all walls, 500m high, 250m wide at the base....you can nuke it, fly planes into it, bomb it, try tunnelling through it, but you will never get through!"

So the second Englishman says " Thats brilliant, absolutely brilliant, now fill it with water !!"

[dr_Pat_Pong]

[PETERTHEEATER]

No, no Doctor! The turret was just facing the wrong way!

It was the Italians that had WWII tanks built with 15 reverse gears and 1 forward gear

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[dr_Pat_Pong]

[andyfletch]

[andyfletch]

Q: What do you call a French expat?

A: A deserter!!

[duncaw]

It was the Italians that had WWII tanks built with 15 reverse gears and 1 forward gear

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Yes and the forward gear was only in case they got attacked from behind!

[andyfletch]

The Napoleonic Wars were a real historical anomoly, in that the French leader of the time, Napolean, actually had a modicum of military competance. This has led some people to conclude that the French can actually be relied on to fight when it might be in their interest to do so (ie if they are invaded by a fascist lunatic.) However, it emerges that Napolean was actually Corsican, meaning that the greatest military strategist in French history was....an Italian.

When France and its disreputable allies came to dominate continental Europe in the closing years of the 18th Century, Britain was forced to respond to this overt display of Gallic militarism, and dispatched Horatio Nelson to deal Napolean's navies the sound thrashing that they clearly deserved. His task was made easier by the natural inclination of French naval commanders towards confusion, cowardice and lack of discipline, but the scale of his victories was nevertheless most impressive.

"Hate a Frenchman as you hate the Devil"

His first major victory was at the Battle of the Nile, where the statistics speak for themselves: From a fleet of thirteen main battle ships and dozens of smaller vessels, only two French ships escaped (it would have been three, but one carelessly ran aground whilst running away from the action.) Not a single British ship was destroyed. Whilst 218 British sailors lost their lives, 1,700 Frenchmen died in the battle, and over 3,000 were taken prisoner. Just how the French contrived to lose this badly is actually quite staggering; the French ships had moved all their cannon to the seaward side of their line of battle, stacking supplies on the landward side in the expectation that Nelson would sail his fleet the way they wanted him to. He didn't, and when the British guns opened fire, French sailors had to rush to move barrels of pickled frogs' legs and salted snails before they could even open their gun ports. Needless to say, we won.

"England expects that every man will do his duty"

Following this he went on to deal with the Danish navy at the battle of Copenhagen. Despite being smaller than the main French force, the Danish had the adventage of, well, not being French. However, Nelson duly punished them for their fooloish decision to ally themselves with Napolean, famously ignoring an order to withdraw by placing his telescope to his blind eye and refusing to read the signal.

His final, and greatest battle at Trafalgar saw the French return with the Spaniards in tow, hoping to overcome the British by sheer force of numbers. Unfortunately for Napoloean, he hadn't been paying attention in his history lessons, or else he would have known that the English are well equipped to deal with Iberian naval aggression, having pummelled the Spanish armada in 1588.

Sure enough, the hardened British sailors inflicted a humiliating defeat on a technically more powerful Franco-Spanish force, losing 449 men and not a single ship, in comparison to the loss of 14,000 sailors and 18 ships of the Franco-Spanish fleet. However the most signifanct death of the battle was Lord Nelson himself, shot by a French marksman, justifying his quote: "Hate a Frenchman as you hate the Devil," and ending the life of one of Britain's greatest heroes.

[meelousee]

My grandmother only had one thing to say to the French:

[andyfletch]

Hero of the Month

The English Channel

Despite stiff competition from the likes of great military leaders such as Nelson and Wellington, the first Hero of the Month goes to an unlikely, but well-deserving candidate, the English Channel.

Having consulted that fountain of all knowledge, the Encyclopaedia Britannica, I am pleased to tell you that the narrow, but crucial stretch of water seperating the fine island kingdom of the Anglo-Saxons from the wretched peasant-state of France, was formed in the Pleistocene period, giving the British approximately 15,000 years in which to master the art of being inherently better than the French.

Since that time the channel has proved valubale to us in a number of ways, not least when the original European Integrationist, a certain Herr Adolf Hitler, bit off a little more than he could chew. Despite annihalating the largest standing army in Western Europe in six weeks, he forgot to bear in mind that they were French, and therefore not only gutless, but criminally incompetent to boot.

First and foremost though, being an island has prevented Britain from picking up unsavoury French habits such as eating snails and not washing.

Though the Frogs are capable of attacking just about any aspect of our ancient civilisation, you might have thought that our geographical status was pretty much safe.

You thought wrong.

As well as the sinister appearence of the Channel Tunnel, the French, through their ever-loyal lackie the European Onion, have recently declared that Britain is not an island. Hard to believe as it is, the European Onion (and this is true) recently released the requirements defining an Island, one of which forbids the existance of a capital of an EO member on an island. Disgracefully, Britain remains a part of this union of thieves and scoundrels, and as such, is no longer allowed to be an island.

WHAT UTTER B*LL*CKS.

Thank goodness for the English Channel.

[lovejoy]

A Brief French 'Military' History

Gaul vs. Julius Caesar - Gaul defeated by Rome circa 49 B.C. (Rome defeated the early French swine - the Frenchies had to Hail Julius Caesar as their new leader)

Gaul vs. Franks - Gaul defeated by Franks (the 'original' French, replaced by the Franks *sigh*)

Franks vs. Huns - Huns sack Paris circa 450 A.D. (Huns finally defeated here - Attila's ONLY defeat. Notice it was done by a German-Roman coalition, NOT the Franks)

Franks vs. Themselves - Clovis unites Franks into one kingdom around 511 A.D. He dies and the 'kingdom' falls apart at the seams. Ever hear of naming a successor or how bout a will?

Franks vs. Muslims - Charles Martel defeats a SMALL Muslim raiding party at the Battle of Tours in 732 A.D. Muslims lost interest so Charles claimed a 'great victory'. Notice they didn't follow up and kick the Muslims out of Spain though.....

Franks vs. Franks - Charlemagne crowned 'Emperor of the Romans', Christmas 800 A.D. Again this 'empire' fell apart by 840 A.D. - sheesh. Charlemagne could read but couldn't write - now what sense does that make?

Franks vs. Vikings - From 841 to 911 A.D. the Viking Warrior-Badasses mopped the Frankish countryside with Frank ass. France surrenders Normandy to Vikings 911 A.D. (Stupid mid-evil France was easily bullied by real warriors)

Franks vs. Black Death - 1347 - 1350 A.D. Black Death kills Frenchies good. This plague was said to originate in Mongolia, from the vermin. BUT, we all know it HAD to have came from the filthy French swine.

France vs. England - 100 Years War 1337 - 1453 A.D. Battle of Crecy - 1337 A.D. (English hand the French their own asses in the start of the 100 Years War with the timely use of the longbow. French knights are mowed down like the cannon fodder they were.) Battle of Poitiers, 1356 A.D. - More of the same. Battle of Agincourt, 1415 A.D. - Henry V gets some French butt-whoopin' action. Unfortunately, a heretic freak named Joan of Arc came along and united all the French Frogs and they managed to repel the English. And we all know where that got her....TOASTY.

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

France vs. France - 1572 A.D. St. Bartholomew's Day Massacre by Queen Catherine. She killed thousands of protestants and Jews. Hrm...that sounds really familiar - the FINAL SOLUTION ring any bells? Evidently these bastards were no better than Nazi Germany and yet they are proud of their heritage?

France vs. Europe - War of Spanish Succession 1648 A.D. (France tries to fight rest of Europe over Spain and looses to Frederick William of Germany)

France vs. Europe - 7 Years War or French Indian War 1756 A.D. (France gets beat up on 2 different continents by England and Germany plus the early future Americans - a guy named George Washington ring any bells?)

France vs. France - French Revolution 1789 - 1799A.D. (France kicks their own asses) Dr. Guillotine makes a handy invention that allows the Frenchies to chop off their own heads with amazing speed - thanks Jacobin Republicans!

France vs. Europe - Waterloo 1815 A.D. (Wellington delivers knockout to Napoleon - 2nd time. This comes AFTER the Russian Winter destroyed the largest army in the World and the U.S. conned old Nappy in the Louisiana Purchase - WHAT A BARGAIN!)

France vs. France - French Revolution (again) 1848 A.D. (France is still kicking their own asses on a smaller scale)

France vs. Mexico - late 1860s - early 1870s A.D. - France conquers Mexico. Wow! Amazing. What an accomplishment. Funny though, when the U.S. decided to enforce the Monroe Doctrine and in so many words told France to get the ###### out of our side of the world, they tucked tail and ran.

France vs. Prussia - Franco-Prussian War 1870 A.D. (William I of Germany kicks the teeth out of Napoleon III - good old Willy proclaims himself emperor of Germany at the Palace of Versailles - can you say bitchslap?) This all started because France opposed the unification of Germany - notice this starts a nasty chain of events that doesn't end till 1945......seems to me we can almost chalk up WWI and II on the dumbass French.

France vs. Germany - WWI 1914-1918 A.D. (Germany beats the ###### out of France - without the aid of USA, France would be speaking German. France only won because of Uncle Sam jumped in - then those dumbass sore-winners in France impose an incredibly harsh Treaty of Versailles to 'punish' the Germans. Notice the resulting conditions of this allowed the rise of an unknown Austrian named HITLER.

France vs. Germany - Rise of Hitler 1933-1939 A.D. (Germany bullies France into letting them take more territory - the wussies wouldn't even fight over it - they adopted a policy of 'appeasement' - can you say SCARED?)

France vs. Germany Round II - WWII June 22, 1940 A.D. (France surrenders to Hitler at Compiegne after putting up a fight that made Polish Army look good. Notice Vichy France who quickly jumped ship to be friends with the Germans. And once again without the help of good old Uncle Sam the Atlantic Wall would never have been penetrated - France would either be a part of the 3rd Reich or a satellite country of Communist Russia under Uncle Joe Stalin)

France vs. Vietcong - Vietnam 1954 A.D. (French Army at Dien Bien Phu surrender to Ho Chi Minh)

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

Let's face it. When it comes to war, France gets rolled more often than a Parisian prostitute with a visible mustache.

[alvino]

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be French".

[dr_Pat_Pong]

[Wallalai]

Lovejoy,

Your post is insulting and denigrating, and for sure nor funny. Only my opinion.

[lovejoy]

Lovejoy,

Your post is insulting and denigrating, and for sure nor funny.    Only my opinion.

you are right,it is insulting.................but only to french people

[gbt71fa]

Everybody has probably heard this one:

"I went on ebay last night and saw that they had a French Army rifle for sale...it said the rifle was only dropped once and never fired...

[gbt71fa]

TERROR ALERT IN FRANCE

Paris, July 15, 2005- AP and UPI reported that the French government

has raised its terror alert level from RUN to HIDE on their four

level danger scale.  The two higher French danger levels are

COLLABORATE and SURRENDER.

According to informed sources, the rise was precipitated by a

suspicious fire yesterday which destroyed France's white flag

factory, effectively paralyzing its military. In light of the recent

attacks in London, it is widely anticipated that the terror alert

will be elevated to the third

level before the weekend.

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Holy crap, I think I just wet myself!!!

[gbt71fa]

Lovejoy,

Your post is insulting and denigrating, and for sure nor funny.    Only my opinion.

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[Wallalai]

Mouarf, all copy-pastes from: http://www.i-hate-france.com/index.html

[dr_Pat_Pong]

TERROR alert IN FRANCE

Paris, July 15, 2005- AP and UPI reported that the French government

has raised its terror alert level from RUN to HIDE on their four

level danger scale.  The two higher French danger levels are

COLLABORATE and SURRENDER.

According to informed sources, the rise was precipitated by a

suspicious fire yesterday which destroyed France's white flag

factory, effectively paralyzing its military. In light of the recent

attacks in London, it is widely anticipated that the terror alert

will be elevated to the third

level before the weekend.

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Holy crap, I think I just wet myself!!!

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I sprayed coffee on the screen

[Guest endure]

Remind us where the big woman with the spiky hat who hangs around in New York Harbour came from?

[alvino]

A man asks his companion,

"What's the most common French expression"?

His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies,

"I give up!"

[gbt71fa]

Remind us where the big woman with the spiky hat who hangs around in New York Harbour came from?

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I think from that country that the Americans and Brits had to liberate...twice. More American blood was spilled freeing France than French blood for their own country. Yes, that statues was worth all those lives.

[elsie]

CHIRAC CALLS FOR AN END TO FRENCH JOKES

Bush Blasts Proposal as 'Premature'

French President Jacques Chirac today called for an “immediate cessation” of jokes about France now that the active combat phase in Iraq had concluded.

In an impassioned speech to the United Nations Security Council, Mr. Chirac said that if the time had come to lift sanctions against Iraq, "then it is also time to stop calling the French ‘cheese-eating surrender monkeys.’"

In addition, Mr. Chirac asked the U.S. to reverse its decision to rename French fries "Freedom Fries," arguing that the derisive renaming of that popular delicacy was currently costing France billions of Euros in royalties every week.

In his most emotional appeal, Mr. Chirac asked that the U.S. stop referring to the French as “weasels” and refrain from gratuitous references to France’s inexplicable love affair with the actors Jerry Lewis and Mickey Rourke.

“Get over it!” Mr. Chirac roared.

But Mr. Chirac’s speech may have fallen on deaf ears at the White House, where President Bush today characterized the French President’s request as “premature.”

"The United States has no timetable for stopping making fun of the French,” Mr. Bush said. “We'll stop ridiculing the French when we're good and ready, and not one day sooner."

When told of Mr. Bush's statement, Mr. Chirac sighed deeply and said, "I give up,” to which Mr. Bush replied, chuckling, “Of course he gives up – he’s French.”

In other news, intercepted cell-phone conversations recently re-analyzed by the CIA now reveal that Saddam Hussein did not have "weapons of mass destruction," as earlier suspected, but rather "lessons in tax deduction."

"The CIA regrets the error," Director George Tenet said.

Edited December 17, 2005 by LovelyCutie

[solo siam]

"France vs. Germany - WWI 1914-1918 A.D. (Germany beats the ###### out of France - without the aid of USA, France would be speaking German. France only won because of Uncle Sam jumped in - then those dumbass sore-winners in France impose an incredibly harsh Treaty of Versailles to 'punish' the Germans. Notice the resulting conditions of this allowed the rise of an unknown Austrian named HITLER."

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USA only got involved in WW1 in the summer of 1918, and only accounted for 2% of the allies casualties,

Also it wasnt Germany vs France, its a little more complicated than that.

"The outbreak of the conflict is often attributed to the alliances established over the previous decades — Germany-Austria-Italy vs France-Russia; Britain and Serbia being aligned with the latter. In fact, none of the alliances were activated in the initial outbreak, though Russian general mobilization and Germany's declaration of war against France were motivated by fear of the opposing alliance being brought into play.

Britain declared war against Germany on August 4. This was ostensibly provoked by Germany's invasion of Belgium on August 4, 1914, whose independence Britain had guaranteed to uphold in the Treaty of London of 1839, and which stood astride the planned German route for invasion of Russia's ally France. Unofficially, it was already generally accepted in government that Britain could not remain neutral, since without the co-operation of France and Russia its colonies in Africa and India would be under threat, while German occupation of the French Atlantic ports would be an even larger threat to British trade as a whole."