If You Have Trouble Pooing At Work

[daleyboy]

>HOW TO POOP AT WORK

> >

> >For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide

for

> >taking a dump at work.

> >

> >CROP DUSTING

> >When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not

in

> your

> >area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came

from.

> Be

> >careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been

> expelled.

> >Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

> >

> >FLY BY

> >The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check

for

> >other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come

back

> >again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become

> >suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

> >

> >ESCAPEE

> >A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a

poop

> in

> >a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of

embarrassment.

> If

> >you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.

> >Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in

the

> >urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is

> >uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both

> >parties feel uneasy.

> >

> >JAILBREAK

> >When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.

This

> is

> >usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should

happen,

> do

> >not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom

to

> spare

> >everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

> >

> >COURTESY FLUSH

> >The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.

This

> >reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the

bathroom.

> This

> >can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF

> >SHAME.

> >

> >WALK OF SHAME

> >Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just

> stunk

> >up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone

walks

> in

> >and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend

> >that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the

> COURTESY

> >FLUSH.

> >

> >OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER

> >A colleague who poops at work and is ###### proud of it. You will

often see

> an

> >Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or

magazine

> >under his or her arm. Always look around

> >the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the

bathroom.

>

> >

> >THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)

> >A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping

goes

> off

> >without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts

of

> Out

> >Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

> >

> >SAFE HAVENS

> >A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least

> expect

> >visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.

This

> will

> >reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the

> >bathroom.

> >

> >TURD BURGLAR

> >Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to

force

>

> >the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable

moments

> that

> >can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,

> >remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will

> avoid

> >all uncomfortable eye contact.

> >

> >CAMO-COUGH

> >A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that

you are

> in

> >a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert

potential

>

> >Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an

ASTAIRE.

> >

> >ASTAIRE

> >A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that

you

> are

> >occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is

occupied.

> If

> >you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so

> >the pooper can poop in peace.

> >

> >WATERMELON

> >A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.

This is

> >also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,

create

> a

> >diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

> >

> >HAVANA OMELET

> >A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the

toilet

> >water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with

an

> >Astaire.

> >

> >UNCLE TED

> >A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend

extended

> >lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An

Uncle

> Ted

> >makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you

> >should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits

you

> as

> >well as the other bathroom attendees.