Airline Pilots And Control Tower

[george]

To all those who are considering taking flights in the near

future... Here are accounts of actual exchanges between airline

pilots and control towers from around the world:

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight

departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose

with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at

the US Air crew, screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the ###### are you going?! I told you to turn

right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right

there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between

C' and D', but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting

hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take

forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I

tell you to!

You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour

and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and

how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly

Silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to

chance

Engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit in Gatwick was high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his

microphone,

And asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

===========

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had a long roll out after

Touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard

right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able... If not able,

take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights

and return to the airport."

===========

Unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing

bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify

yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

===========

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on

frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,

after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end

of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,

contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from

Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and

yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers"

===========

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a

short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate

parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

Here is an exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British

Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vhere you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location

now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you

not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (cooly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but I didn't stop."

===========

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is

a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got

the little Fokker in sight."

===========

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard

the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in

English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in

Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):

"Because you lost the war!"

[dr_Pat_Pong]

What about the Captain who was making making inflight announcements, when all of a sudden he screamed ' Oh my God ' and the aircraft nose dipped, and moved erratically for a minute or so. The Captain came back on, and said ' Sorry if I caused you concern, but the stewardess spilt boiling coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants ' A voice from up the back called out ' Jeez you should see the back of mine '

[monitorlizard]

great post george. keep them coming. they had me in stiches.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Come on Monitor ...your go

[suegha]

This is the first ever joke posted on tv - just wanted to see what happened!!!

[suegha]

Oh wow, it worked!

[Crossy]

I was about to comment that these have been posted before, but of course they haven't

Takes the biscuit for bumping old threads

Edited March 1, 2007 by Crossy

[guardian]

now if someone else's bumped a very old thread like tigger here, we'd never be able to figure out the 1st ever post in this thread

[Pink Mist]

What about the Captain who was making making inflight announcements, when all of a sudden he screamed ' Oh my God ' and the aircraft nose dipped, and moved erratically for a minute or so. The Captain came back on, and said ' Sorry if I caused you concern, but the stewardess spilt boiling coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants ' A voice from up the back called out ' Jeez you should see the back of mine '

thats a goddun Pat

[suegha]

I was about to comment that these have been posted before, but of course they haven't

Takes the biscuit for bumping old threads

Thank you!

[dr_Pat_Pong]

I was about to comment that these have been posted before, but of course they haven't :D

Takes the biscuit for bumping old threads

A trip down memory lane

[suegha]

5 years is a long time in cyberspace!

[Pink Mist]

There was a thread kicking around a while ago, it was about Qantas pilots report to mechanic about aircraft problems and the mechanics subsquent fix, really funny

[Pink Mist]

here it is, was originally submitted by LC

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour!

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)

(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding

on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

[luckyluke]

here it is, was originally submitted by LC

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour!

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)

(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding

on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Crossy]

Suegha has started something here

Let's see how long we can kee the oldest thread in the jokes section of the front page, airline related gags only of course

These haven't been posted for a while :-

========================

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 toTampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and keep them with our compliments."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault , it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Have a safe journey, wherever you're going............

Edited March 3, 2007 by Crossy

[peter991]

Remind me of the time I flew in as a passenger on a light aircraft into Perth domestic airport. About 1 minute from landing and at 500 metres, we were rocked violently by the jetwash of a Boeing 747 which had just taken off.

Instead of aborting the landing and going around, the pilot decided to to continue the landing.

Needless to say, it was the scariest landing I have ever had. I asked the pilot as I (shakily) exited the plane: 'Did we land or get shot down?'

Peter

[mr_hippo]

Prior to landing, when American cabin crew are collecting the rubbish are they saying "Your trash" or "You're trash!"

[farangsay]

Rules of the Air for Pilots

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, in which case they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than being up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No none has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

11. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take-offs you've made.

12. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

13. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

14. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

15. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

16. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

17. Good judgement comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgement.

18. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

19. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

20. Remember: gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's a law that is not subject to repeal.

21. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, a runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago.

[Crossy]

Add to the above ^^^

"Every flight ends in a landing, whether the pilot is in control or not"

and of course:-

"There are old pilots and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold pilots"

[toptuan]

Ever realized how effective airplane poison is? Only takes one drop...

[kayo]

Quote Denis Leary (No Cure for Cancer 1992)

(theoretically among his rant for Pro Smoking:)

I don't know. Personally, I think Billy Martin said it best when he said, "Hey! I can drive!" Because we tried to be nice to you non-smokers. We f***** tried. Okay? You wanted your own sections in the restaurants. We gave you that, huh. But that wasn't enough for you. Then you wanted the airplanes. We gave you the whole God da*n plane! You happy now? You own the f******* plane! I'd like an explanation about that one folks because I will guarantee you if the plane is going down, the first announcement you're gonna hear is, "Folks, this is your Captain speaking. Look, uhm, light 'em up, 'cause we're going down, okay. I got a carton of Camels non-filters, I'll see you on the ground. Take it easy." Actually, it'd be more like this, "[VB] This is your Captain speaking. Smoke 'em if ya got 'em. Rrrr Rrrr"

[bino]

Phuket Air is flying over the gulf of Thailand from Bangkok to Phuket one fine afternoon when the captain comes on the PA system;

"Ladies and gentlemen; we have just lost power to all engines, and we are going to have to make an emergency landing in the ocean."

"In order to make the evacuation as efficient as possible, we would like all of the swimmers to move to the right hand side of the aircraft, and all of the non-swimmers to the left hand side of the aircraft."

After a short delay; "Attention all swimmers on the right hand side of the aircraft; I am going to land the aircraft as close as possible to an uninhabited island. Please swim to the island. We have been in touch with the coast guard by radio, and you will be rescued from the island when they arrive."

"All you non-swimmers on the left hand side of the aircraft; thank you for flying Phuket Air!"