London Underground Announcements

[Crossy]

Regular users of The Tube, or any other mass-transit system

will appreciate these, allegedly genuine, messages

Listed below are genuine announcements made by tube

drivers on the London Underground:

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to

get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear

of the doors' don't you understand?"

At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday

afternoon): "Please let the passengers off the train

first. Please let the passengers off the train first.

Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the

passengers off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff

yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm going

home."

"Ladies and Gentleman, upon departing the train may I

remind you to take your rubbish with you. Despite the

fact that you are in something that is metal, fairly

round, filthy and smells, this is a tube train for

public transport and not a bin on wheels."

Driver: "I apologise for the delay leaving the station

ladies and gentlemen; this is due to a passenger

masturbating on the train at Edgware Road. Someone has

activated the alarm and he is being removed from the

train.

"Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first

or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was

my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. I

felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent

me a card! I drive you to work and back home each day

and not even a card. "The bad news is that there is a

point's failure somewhere between Stratford and East

Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our

destination. We may have to stop and return. I won't

reverse back up the line - simply get out walk up the

platform and go back to where we started. In the

meantime if you get bored you can simply talk to the

man in front or beside you or opposite you. Let me

start you off: "Hi, my name's Gary how do you do?"

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line

controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome,

not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you

know any further information as soon as I'm given

any".

"Please mind the closing doors..." The doors close...

The doors reopen. "Passengers are reminded that the

big red slidey things on the side of the train are

called the doors. Let's try it again. Please stand

clear of the doors." The doors close... "Thank you."

"I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter

has just wandered into the tunnel at Euston. We don't

know when we'll be moving again, but these people tend

to come out pretty quickly...usually in bits."

"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause.)

Please move ALL belongings away from the doors

(Pause...) This is a personal message to the man in

the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the

train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your

bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come

down there and shove them up your a-se sideways"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no

smoking allowed on any part of the Underground.

However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair

that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse

this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are

distinct and separate instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the

doors means that the doors are about to close. It does

not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but

there is a security alert at Victoria station and we

are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future,

so let's take our minds off it and pass some time

together. All together now....'Ten green bottles,

hanging on a wall...'".

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you

can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been

nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you

earlier, but no, they don't think about things like

that".

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT

encourage these professional beggars, if you have any

spare change, please give it to a registered charity,

failing that, give it to me."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to

your service. I know you're all dying to get home,

unless, of course, you happen to be married to my

ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to

the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.