Cleansing Thoughts Of A Personal Nature

[richardjm65]

Anyway, the other day I was getting my daily fix of the Thailand websites, and among the various forum topics was one I felt I could not miss. Directed at we “old hands” in Thailand, it queried what it was that we thought Thailand might have contributed to civilization in general and, in particular, its usefulness or value to the individual. As luck would have it, I came upon the thread fairly early and was therefore able to watch the content grow to several pages. Though there were a few references to Thailand’s cuisine, (though not the Issan diet of weeds and beetles with the obligatory chillies and the truly malodorous fermented stink fish sauce), and the odd reference to the charm of its people, the architecture, and the veritable cornucopia of copy goods at bargain basement prices, the one that won, far and away, hands down and without any shadow of a doubt was, yes, you guessed it - the bum hose. This, of course, is a fixture in most domestic semi-civilised bathrooms here (though not, rather curiously, in many hotel bathrooms) and generally has its ubiquitous presence at or near to the right of the toilet, convenient for the spraying of water upon the private parts to cleanse them after (shall we say) activity in that region. Now, since discovering the joyous usefulness of this device many years ago, I admit to giving it very little further thought until, that is, the subject of Thai offerings to the world came up on the forum, at which point I gave it some considerable further thought and decided that it was a subject I could share with others and perhaps enlarge upon. At this point I should add that I remember as a child the uncomfortable usage of the only toilet paper that my father would allow in the house, which was Jeye’s Hygenic Toilet Paper which you tugged out of its container by the sheet. It had the consistency of tracing paper together with its absorbent qualities and so, when I now think about it, it is hardly surprising that our family relationships were sometimes a little strained. My father, I recall, suffered with piles, and indeed how could we not all have problems in those sensitive areas when all the Jeye’s was really doing was to spread things (there’s no gentle way to say this) in thinner and thinner layers without really Cleaning Things Up. Do you get the idea? Rather than have me expand on that, just take a moment to ponder on it, privately and at your leisure.

So, the Thais gave us the bum hose, though the French could undoubtedly lay claim to a clumsier and, (from the English point of view), totally laughable piece of kit. But perhaps the time has come to introduce a commercially viable, modern version of the Thai bum hose to the long-suffering Brits and, indeed, any other nation that would care to look at the world through new eyes, so to speak. In Thailand the bum hose water emerges at a comfortably agreeable temperature whilst the device, in its basic Thai form in England, would, for most of the year, deliver a spray of water only fractionally above freezing to British nether parts. This would not do at all. Take another moment to think about it. Picture yourself attending to nature first thing on a January morning, when it’s still dark outside and the roar of the central heating furnace is telling you it’s way below freezing out there. Still with me? Connection to the hot and cold water supply would be equally hazardous – relive those moments of trying to get a shower properly temperature balanced before diving in – get the picture?

So what is needed is a tapping off the cold water supply to a reservoir tank (size dependant upon number of family members, estimated frequency of usage and so on), that supply being controlled by a ballcock (for the cheaper versions) or an electronic float switch in the more sophisticated models. Water temperature in the reservoir would be controlled by a thermostatically operated heater similar to that used to maintain the temperature in tropical fish tanks and, once again, that temperature could be adjustable in the de luxe versions. The rest is simple – a low capacity demand pump which operates when the pressure in the reservoir is reduced by operating the spray head trigger. This shuts off the moment the spray trigger is released, of course.

Understand that the idea is still in its formative stages and would inevitably require input from ‘elf an’ safety, but as a concept…….. what do you think? The super de luxe version could perhaps feature a scented or gently medicated infusion system – the possibilities are endless and in my view there’s a fortune to be made if, during my absence from Perfidious Albion, the idea has not already had its day. It would need skillful marketing, naturally enough and, of course, a product name. “Shitbegone” has a pleasant chime to it, or “Bottyfresh”, perhaps “Ringmaster” or even “Crapaway.” Because the vast majority of Brits would have no ready knowledge of how to manage the small shower spray head on its flexible hose, video clips or VCD’s could be made available – even a possible slot on one of the commercial TV channels or maybe the BBC might give it some air time on one of their new technology shows. Is “New Ideas” still running? [Note to self: check the possibilities of employing attractive Thai ladies for the videos, after all it is basically a Thai product]. Anyway, I leave it with you to mull over. My mind is already leaping onward and upward to overseas agency possibilities, franchises, whatever. With an eye to the future, how about a version that would work in space? Or perhaps we should simply float the idea to Jeye’s (if they still exist) in the certain knowledge that they’d buy the patent before the bottom dropped out of their tracing paper toilet paper market.

Or perhaps I should just get out more!

[IanForbes]

And here I thought you were going to tell us about your colonoscopy, and I was going to ask for a little advice. .

[Naam]

"So, the Thais gave us the bum hose..."

only to Brits who have never been to other countries where bum hoses (and similar procedures) were used when Thais were -i exaggerate now slightly - swinging from tree branch to tree branch and the Romans occupied the lower part of the island that is now called "Yew Kay" whilst its native inhabitants lived in caves.

[Garry9999]

Wow, I can't believe I read the that.

[MZurf]

Or perhaps I should just get out more!

Way, way more

[ukrules]

I believe 'piles' are supposedly caused by the posture when going to the toilet rather than paper usage. For example in countries where they use 'crouch' style toilets the incidence of hemorrhoids is much much lower than in western nations.

I once read an article a about the guy who brought the 'bum gun' to Thailand, if I remember correctly he found it in the USA while he was over there and brought it back with him. I can't find any sources on this though, it was a long time ago when I read this.

[elkangorito]

I believe 'piles' are supposedly caused by the posture when going to the toilet rather than paper usage. For example in countries where they use 'crouch' style toilets the incidence of hemorrhoids is much much lower than in western nations.

I once read an article a about the guy who brought the 'bum gun' to Thailand, if I remember correctly he found it in the USA while he was over there and brought it back with him. I can't find any sources on this though, it was a long time ago when I read this.

There are many myths about 'piles'...you have just reported one of them.

Piles are NOT caused by sitting on cold objects for long periods of time. On the contrary, this would help to reduce the discomfort caused by piles.

Piles are not caused posture but if you suffer from piles, posture may excascerbate the condition.

Excessive coughing or sneezing can cause piles in much the same way that childbirth can...prolonged & excessive pressure to the rectal area. They can also be created by poor diet (the usual case), which can lead to constipation & therefore 'straining' whilst on the loo.

I should know...I've had them incised 3 times in the surgery & had the major operation once. I now make sure that I have adequate fibre in my diet & do not allow myself to become dehydrated.

[equium]

already been tried,there was a guy on dragons den a couple of years back trying get funds to produce and sell it,when we watched it we said we bet hes just been on holiday to thailand

called it the toilet snake or something very close.

they were not interested then can see it being a good idea now.