How Much To Pay The Mother In Law?

[vreemd13]

But let's get serious here. If the family is in need, what's 4k baht per month? As long as they are not gambling and drinking every day, it's no big deal. I know in my case, a lot is going for medical care. Say what you want, but that 30B medical program sucks.

I've found it to be very good.

Some rellys went to have a baby in a village hospital last month, the rooms and equipment ther,e were as good as any I saw in the UK. I thought it must be a private hospital, when I asked the mother how much she paid to have the baby there, she replied "30 bht"

As vreed stated, buffaloes pay more!

Thanks SarahsBloke for your confirmation.

Another 30thb buffalo story, which I recently encountered by another 5yrs friend, involving his younger sister give birth.

He just asked 10.000thb to pay the hospital bill for his sister and she has a teacher job at a government school. She is very likely to have a 30thb program.

Sorry, but do I miss something?

Edited November 16, 2010 by vreemd13

[MikeRay]

My wife sends 4000 Baht every 2 months of her income to mommy.Sometimes 1000 Baht more for medicine, the other sibblings help also as much as they can, so mommy has round-a-bout 7000 Baht a month, no rent to pay. As I understand the system is that the kids give as much as they can, so your mil might assume you can give more ??? Get your wife a job and she can send as much as she wants to of her income; wait what the mother will get then.

[Abrak]

it is stupid to pay the Mother in Law.

And what if that poor woman was your mother. Still stupid to pay the MIL?

Yes. Because then it would mean I am married to my sister.

[vreemd13]

My wife sends 4000 Baht every 2 months of her income to mommy.Sometimes 1000 Baht more for medicine, the other sibblings help also as much as they can, so mommy has round-a-bout 7000 Baht a month, no rent to pay. As I understand the system is that the kids give as much as they can, so your mil might assume you can give more ??? Get your wife a job and she can send as much as she wants to of her income; wait what the mother will get then.

Wait, 1000thb extra for medicine?

Somebody (Craigth3365) asked if I ever used this 30thb village hospital. Sure I have done on several occassions. By the way, I find it has a very good service, no 6months queue for a life-saving examanition.

And this amount for medicine would have emptied the village hospital pharmacy, otherwise it would have been a suicidal amount of pills.

Buffalo pay way too much again to MIL

Edited November 16, 2010 by vreemd13

[craigt3365]

it is stupid to pay the Mother in Law.

And what if that poor woman was your mother. Still stupid to pay the MIL?

Yes. Because then it would mean I am married to my sister.

I think you missed the point....this example means you are the son and your sister is married to a wealthy guy who refuses to give poor ol' mom anything....even though she is poor, in desperate need of money, and jai dee. Hits a different way, doesn't it? If it doesn't, you have a real problem, my friend.

Wait, 1000thb extra for medicine?

Somebody (Craigth3365) asked if I ever used this 30thb village hospital. Sure I have done on several occassions. By the way, I find it has a very good service, no 6months queue for a life-saving examanition.

And this amount for medicine would have emptied the village hospital pharmacy, otherwise it would have been a suicidal amount of pills.

Buffalo pay way too much again to MIL

I have also tried the 30B services....several times. At Queen Sikirit in Sattahip, it was pretty good. At the small hospital down south, it was not so good. But what do you expect at a shack in a small village. Huge difference.

[CharlieH]

I made it clear right from the start that the "sin-sod" was not going to happen and that I personally disagreed with it, many Thais think they have won the lottery or something at first and they now have a bottomless pit of money to draw from. Likewise for any monthly income.

Having said that and as stated in other posts, you are joining a family and as part of that family and culture you would be expected to help. I do help,if something is "needed" I will help, if something is "wanted" then they are on their own. If a medical emergency arose, i would happily pay (the hospital or doctor) and if i see something is broken or worn out (washing machine as an example), then I;ll sort that. car or motorcycle needs fixing ,ok I'll "help" but no free salary here.

I also occasionally with no fixed timings buy a sack of rice for them or other items of meat or fruit when we visit. and thats always worked well for us, we contribute to them and I would support them in times of crises as any family member would.

They feel security knowing that they have a ferang in the family and if "needed" thay have the help available.

I "contribute" but certainly dont provide what could be considered a monthly salary.

[IanForbes]

I made it clear right from the start that the "sin-sod" was not going to happen and that I personally disagreed with it, many Thais think they have won the lottery or something at first and they now have a bottomless pit of money to draw from. Likewise for any monthly income.

Having said that and as stated in other posts, you are joining a family and as part of that family and culture you would be expected to help. I do help,if something is "needed" I will help, if something is "wanted" then they are on their own. If a medical emergency arose, i would happily pay (the hospital or doctor) and if i see something is broken or worn out (washing machine as an example), then I;ll sort that. car or motorcycle needs fixing ,ok I'll "help" but no free salary here.

I also occasionally with no fixed timings buy a sack of rice for them or other items of meat or fruit when we visit. and thats always worked well for us, we contribute to them and I would support them in times of crises as any family member would.

They feel security knowing that they have a ferang in the family and if "needed" thay have the help available.

I "contribute" but certainly dont provide what could be considered a monthly salary.

Well stated, Charlie. I believe that is what most sensible, responsible people do. It's not hard to sort out the greedy ones from those in need of help.

[mca]

The bottom line is there's a vast difference between somebody giving their in laws a moderate sum per month to help with the bills, food whatever and buying a bunch of spongers a new pickup, building them a big house and handing out 40000 baht a month or whatever to feed their gambling and drinking habits with nary a word of thanks.

[craigt3365]

The bottom line is there's a vast difference between somebody giving their in laws a moderate sum per month to help with the bills, food whatever and buying a bunch of spongers a new pickup, building them a big house and handing out 40000 baht a month or whatever to feed their gambling and drinking habits with nary a word of thanks.

Unfortunately, there's a lot of farangs who do just that. I've know gals who get 50-80kB per month! And still work at Nana...unreal...

My wife's parents don't drink and don't gamble. I'm about to start helping our "God child" with her schooling. She wants to be a doctor. Figure I might get better care as I age if there is a doc in the family!

[Lancelot]

The bottom line is there's a vast difference between somebody giving their in laws a moderate sum per month to help with the bills, food whatever and buying a bunch of spongers a new pickup, building them a big house and handing out 40000 baht a month or whatever to feed their gambling and drinking habits with nary a word of thanks.

In theory I disagree with giving money to the inlaws. However, sometime we must see the world as it is, not as we wish it to be. The Thai "system" is that parents care for their children, then the kids return the favor later.

Sponsoring bar girls? Naaa, not same same

[Wallaby]

The bottom line is there's a vast difference between somebody giving their in laws a moderate sum per month to help with the bills, food whatever and buying a bunch of spongers a new pickup, building them a big house and handing out 40000 baht a month or whatever to feed their gambling and drinking habits with nary a word of thanks.

Unfortunately, there's a lot of farangs who do just that. I've know gals who get 50-80kB per month! And still work at Nana...unreal...

My wife's parents don't drink and don't gamble. I'm about to start helping our "God child" with her schooling. She wants to be a doctor. Figure I might get better care as I age if there is a doc in the family!

You seem a sensible person with a kind heart.

Not a lot of that seen on this forum.

[craigt3365]

The bottom line is there's a vast difference between somebody giving their in laws a moderate sum per month to help with the bills, food whatever and buying a bunch of spongers a new pickup, building them a big house and handing out 40000 baht a month or whatever to feed their gambling and drinking habits with nary a word of thanks.

Unfortunately, there's a lot of farangs who do just that. I've know gals who get 50-80kB per month! And still work at Nana...unreal...

My wife's parents don't drink and don't gamble. I'm about to start helping our "God child" with her schooling. She wants to be a doctor. Figure I might get better care as I age if there is a doc in the family!

You seem a sensible person with a kind heart.

Not a lot of that seen on this forum.

Thanks. I've changed a lot since I moved to Thailand. I love many aspects of life here in Thailand. Mai pen rai. Many times, it really is true. If somebody cuts in front of you while driving, who cares? Back in the US, I would have gunned it to get ahead...not any more. Mai pen rai.

Also, Jai yen yen. Have a cool heart. Pretty much everything can be solved. Yelling and screaming does no good...just escalates things. I watch a Thai guy here deal with problems in our moo ban. Even if it is a big deal, he just speaks quietly...and people listen. He use to be an exec at one of the Thai banks. Great style...

I love the family structure here. Everybody looks out for everybody else....at least in most families. My wife tells stories of how a cousin wanted to join the military, so another cousin put up the 40k. When her family was having hard times, how her uncles chipped in to help...and vice a versa. When her family had no food to eat, they walked over to another relatives house and were fed, or they came to her house when they had no food. Fantastic. We don't have that same "community" back in the US. I lived in one community for 12 years and only met 1 neighbor. Everybody worked too hard and had no time.

Sanook is another. Ya gotta have fun in life...otherwise, why live? I know back home, it was all about work and making money. In the end, that's not the most important thing in life. I'm trying to incorporate these things into my life. I'm not 100% there yet, but working on it!

Sorry for the drivel....

[maprao]

This is hard one… If it is the “Sick Buffalo” syndrome pay nothing.

No one can tell you what to do. Like in the west or your own country all people and family are different.

When the FIL was pronounced ill and died I paid all the initial medical expenses. When the extended family got around to “chipping in” we got more than we had paid out.

I have given and give to the Thai family. But I have also “received” help from them in the past (more than 10 years history).

Never give a loan to Thai family because it is not a loan.

It is up to you. However from the initial post I think you are being taken for a ride…but only you know your family and wife / gf… Give nothing let the dust settle then let her sort it out.

[soihok]

Thanks. I've changed a lot since I moved to Thailand. I love many aspects of life here in Thailand. Mai pen rai. Many times, it really is true. If somebody cuts in front of you while driving, who cares? Back in the US, I would have gunned it to get ahead...not any more. Mai pen rai.

Also, Jai yen yen. Have a cool heart. Pretty much everything can be solved. Yelling and screaming does no good...just escalates things. I watch a Thai guy here deal with problems in our moo ban. Even if it is a big deal, he just speaks quietly...and people listen. He use to be an exec at one of the Thai banks. Great style...

I love the family structure here. Everybody looks out for everybody else....at least in most families. My wife tells stories of how a cousin wanted to join the military, so another cousin put up the 40k. When her family was having hard times, how her uncles chipped in to help...and vice a versa. When her family had no food to eat, they walked over to another relatives house and were fed, or they came to her house when they had no food. Fantastic. We don't have that same "community" back in the US. I lived in one community for 12 years and only met 1 neighbor. Everybody worked too hard and had no time.

Sanook is another. Ya gotta have fun in life...otherwise, why live? I know back home, it was all about work and making money. In the end, that's not the most important thing in life. I'm trying to incorporate these things into my life. I'm not 100% there yet, but working on it!

Sorry for the drivel....

Not drivel at all mate, hit the nail on the head more like.

[Forethat]

Thanks. I've changed a lot since I moved to Thailand. I love many aspects of life here in Thailand. Mai pen rai. Many times, it really is true. If somebody cuts in front of you while driving, who cares? Back in the US, I would have gunned it to get ahead...not any more. Mai pen rai.

Also, Jai yen yen. Have a cool heart. Pretty much everything can be solved. Yelling and screaming does no good...just escalates things. I watch a Thai guy here deal with problems in our moo ban. Even if it is a big deal, he just speaks quietly...and people listen. He use to be an exec at one of the Thai banks. Great style...

I love the family structure here. Everybody looks out for everybody else....at least in most families. My wife tells stories of how a cousin wanted to join the military, so another cousin put up the 40k. When her family was having hard times, how her uncles chipped in to help...and vice a versa. When her family had no food to eat, they walked over to another relatives house and were fed, or they came to her house when they had no food. Fantastic. We don't have that same "community" back in the US. I lived in one community for 12 years and only met 1 neighbor. Everybody worked too hard and had no time.

Sanook is another. Ya gotta have fun in life...otherwise, why live? I know back home, it was all about work and making money. In the end, that's not the most important thing in life. I'm trying to incorporate these things into my life. I'm not 100% there yet, but working on it!

Sorry for the drivel....

It is obvious that you've managed to find and filter out some of the best Thailand has to offer. But as you know, there's flip side to the coin.

In my opinion, the "Family structure" and "Everybody looks out for everybody else" couldn't be more incorrect if you ask me. For the average Thai (I'm talking about the large percentage who are farmers), having a number of children is your retirement fund, and the sooner you can send them to work the better. It is easier to find a number of drunk heads in a village who drink and gamble using the money their daughters make from working in a factory somewhere - or from shagging overweight tourists - than it is finding one single guy in the entire country who works hard to make sure his daughter or son gets a university degree. It doesn't matter how much money they make, or happen to get their hands on, living hand to mouth is the name of the game. They can live in a shanty with garbage piling up outside the house, but if they manage to get 50K they will buy a new Honda Wave or TV. They will NEVER spend a single satang on making sure their children will never EVER have to endure this kind of life when they grow up. So for this reason, most Thais have only the six years of government sponsored education, meaning they will never understand the principles of education and the cycle is complete, they will do exactly the same to their children as well. Oh, and by the way, these people are the exact kind who show up outside Central World wearing a red shirt and demand that they get more money, that they are being cut out...

From this perspective, the "Family structure" does nothing but foster a downward educational and social spiral.

[craigt3365]

Thanks. I've changed a lot since I moved to Thailand. I love many aspects of life here in Thailand. Mai pen rai. Many times, it really is true. If somebody cuts in front of you while driving, who cares? Back in the US, I would have gunned it to get ahead...not any more. Mai pen rai.

Also, Jai yen yen. Have a cool heart. Pretty much everything can be solved. Yelling and screaming does no good...just escalates things. I watch a Thai guy here deal with problems in our moo ban. Even if it is a big deal, he just speaks quietly...and people listen. He use to be an exec at one of the Thai banks. Great style...

I love the family structure here. Everybody looks out for everybody else....at least in most families. My wife tells stories of how a cousin wanted to join the military, so another cousin put up the 40k. When her family was having hard times, how her uncles chipped in to help...and vice a versa. When her family had no food to eat, they walked over to another relatives house and were fed, or they came to her house when they had no food. Fantastic. We don't have that same "community" back in the US. I lived in one community for 12 years and only met 1 neighbor. Everybody worked too hard and had no time.

Sanook is another. Ya gotta have fun in life...otherwise, why live? I know back home, it was all about work and making money. In the end, that's not the most important thing in life. I'm trying to incorporate these things into my life. I'm not 100% there yet, but working on it!

Sorry for the drivel....

It is obvious that you've managed to find and filter out some of the best Thailand has to offer. But as you know, there's flip side to the coin.

In my opinion, the "Family structure" and "Everybody looks out for everybody else" couldn't be more incorrect if you ask me. For the average Thai (I'm talking about the large percentage who are farmers), having a number of children is your retirement fund, and the sooner you can send them to work the better. It is easier to find a number of drunk heads in a village who drink and gamble using the money their daughters make from working in a factory somewhere - or from shagging overweight tourists - than it is finding one single guy in the entire country who works hard to make sure his daughter or son gets a university degree. It doesn't matter how much money they make, or happen to get their hands on, living hand to mouth is the name of the game. They can live in a shanty with garbage piling up outside the house, but if they manage to get 50K they will buy a new Honda Wave or TV. They will NEVER spend a single satang on making sure their children will never EVER have to endure this kind of life when they grow up. So for this reason, most Thais have only the six years of government sponsored education, meaning they will never understand the principles of education and the cycle is complete, they will do exactly the same to their children as well. Oh, and by the way, these people are the exact kind who show up outside Central World wearing a red shirt and demand that they get more money, that they are being cut out...

From this perspective, the "Family structure" does nothing but foster a downward educational and social spiral.

For sure. I try to look at the good side, but the other side is pretty sad. Most of the guys in her village work as little as possible to be able to drink as much as possible. Luckily, my wife's parents were pretty good folk, neither drink, smoke nor gamble. They didn't let her work in the fields, paid for private education in Khorat city, as opposed to public school in the village, never asked her for money, etc. Well, never asked for money until I came along. But even then, the requests were totally within reason. I know the scams....my wife is not my first Thai GF! ;)

[wintermute]

it is stupid to pay the Mother in Law.

And what if that poor woman was your mother. Still stupid to pay the MIL?

There's nothing wrong with the occasional verifiable help but a monthly stipend or "pension" is nonsense and a person who pays this is a sucker plain and simple.

It's especially a warning flag if all the daughters are pimped out to westerners like chattle and then the mother in law rakes in combined income.

But this is Thailand there seems to be no end to the suckers. Good luck with that. I bet the family dinners are a blast with the international monetary fund atmosphere.

Edited November 17, 2010 by wintermute

[craigt3365]

it is stupid to pay the Mother in Law.

And what if that poor woman was your mother. Still stupid to pay the MIL?

There's nothing wrong with the occasional verifiable help but a monthly stipend or "pension" is nonsense and a person who pays this is a sucker plain and simple.

It's especially a warning flag if all the daughters are pimped out to westerners like chattle and then the mother in law rakes in combined income.

But this is Thailand there seems to be no end to the suckers. Good luck with that. I bet the family dinners are a blast with the international monetary fund atmosphere.

I am not a sucker not am I simple. You clearly have no comprehension of Thai culture. God...or Buddah...bless you.

[little_muppet]

in my wedding, hubby gave my mum some amount of money just for the tradition thing than my mum just gave all back to us

Edited November 17, 2010 by little_muppet

[Misplaced]

it is stupid to pay the Mother in Law.

And what if that poor woman was your mother. Still stupid to pay the MIL?

There's nothing wrong with the occasional verifiable help but a monthly stipend or "pension" is nonsense and a person who pays this is a sucker plain and simple.

It's especially a warning flag if all the daughters are pimped out to westerners like chattle and then the mother in law rakes in combined income.

But this is Thailand there seems to be no end to the suckers. Good luck with that. I bet the family dinners are a blast with the international monetary fund atmosphere.

I am not a sucker not am I simple. You clearly have no comprehension of Thai culture. God...or Buddah...bless you.

craigt3365, Why bother explaining when most people are close minded and non acceptance of other cultures. It's a waste of time! Their life model will always be "The way it's done in my country is the only correct way"

Also don't forget, most of these folks are whining about $25.00-50.00/week to help their so-called "family"...What a bunch of cheap charlies.

Edited November 17, 2010 by Misplaced

[wintermute]

[

craigt3365, Why bother explaining when most people are close minded and non acceptance of other cultures. It's a waste of time! Their life model will always be "The way it's done in my country is the only correct way"

Also don't forget, most of these folks are whining about $25.00-50.00/week to help their so-called "family"...What a bunch of cheap charlies.

If you really believe this is normal...well I have a bridge and some swampland to sell ya.

[cdnvic]

Removed one barely literate post. This is a forum, not a text message.

[craigt3365]

[

craigt3365, Why bother explaining when most people are close minded and non acceptance of other cultures. It's a waste of time! Their life model will always be "The way it's done in my country is the only correct way"

Also don't forget, most of these folks are whining about $25.00-50.00/week to help their so-called "family"...What a bunch of cheap charlies.

If you really believe this is normal...well I have a bridge and some swampland to sell ya.

If you don't understand this is part of Thai culture...and happens between Thai's all the time....you need to wake up and smell the coffee. Can't believe you live here and don't know about this tradition. Or maybe you don't live here?

I've been lucky to attend several Thai/Thai weddings. Out in some small village in the middle of nowhere. Money was given by the groom to the bride's mother. Happened every time. It's just part of the culture here...something you can whine about all you like, but it is part of Thailand...and that's a fact!

[Loz]

Simple answer is agree up front what is and is not going to happen.

Understand that when you agree two things will be true:

1) You will think the agreement is fixed

2) she will think the agreement is flexible

So in the final analysis, Marry someone you have a sporting chance of understanding unless you want to forever living in a state of frustration with a side order of ignorance (in respect of what is going on and what your role in it is).

[wintermute]

If you don't understand this is part of Thai culture...and happens between Thai's all the time....you need to wake up and smell the coffee. Can't believe you live here and don't know about this tradition. Or maybe you don't live here?

I've been lucky to attend several Thai/Thai weddings. Out in some small village in the middle of nowhere. Money was given by the groom to the bride's mother. Happened every time. It's just part of the culture here...something you can whine about all you like, but it is part of Thailand...and that's a fact!

Here's something you don't understand about this. Yes, the sin sot is a part of some Thai families but it's not universal either nor is it set in stone. The money is often returned. Also, as a foreigner you are given leeway about these things and no reasonable family would expect you to fork over a lot of cash.

If you think this means you are obligated to pay a monthly stipend as negotiated by the mother in law then I don't know what to say.. you're foolish beyond words.

[mca]

Yes, the sin sot is a part of some Thai families

I've yet to attend a wedding in Thailand apart from my own where there wasn't some form of sinsot.

[craigt3365]

Yes, the sin sot is a part of some Thai families

I've yet to attend a wedding in Thailand apart from my own where there wasn't some form of sinsot.

Either this guy doesn't get it, or is a cheap charlie. For sure, not every wedding has this...but most do. And like my sin sot, it was for show. I even did it via a bank book as I didn't want to have to deal with the cash...easier to transfer $$$ back and forth that way. It's all about face. It is a negotiation, but easy to do. At least with my family, there was nothing to it. Just for face.

[maprao]

Simple answer is agree up front what is and is not going to happen.

Understand that when you agree two things will be true:

1) You will think the agreement is fixed

2) she will think the agreement is flexible

So in the final analysis, Marry someone you have a sporting chance of understanding unless you want to forever living in a state of frustration with a side order of ignorance (in respect of what is going on and what your role in it is).

Excellent analysis Loz. Just add one other option:

3) Or understand it from day one and accept it. Still cheaper than a western divorce 10 fold. In Thailand marriage and money are intrinsically linked. As is acceptance of the Thai family. A family you will belong to but never fully. Only other option is take your wife from Thailand and only return every 2 or 3 years to say hi!

I understood and accepted it from day one. Been 10 years now and gets better all the time. But she still surprises me to this day! The last one was only last week!

[fletchsmile]

Sin Sot and monthly amounts to the parents are often a cause of friction in foreigner-Thai relationships, because they reflect two very different cultures and customs.

I would encourage foreigners to bear in mind, many Thais from all walks of life in Thai-Thai relationships pay SinSot and give money to their parents. The way in which they are done also varies.

Your choice as a foreigner is whether you want to be in a cross-cultural relationship with a Thai or not. If so you need to decide to what extent you will take part in their customs when they conflict with your own. This will inevitably impact your relationship with your other half as well as the family.

Should you choose to pay Sin Sot and/ or give a monthly amount to in-laws, you are not being singled out as a foreigner. Simply making an attempt to blend in with the local norms. If you don't know what the amounts are, then the best advice I would give is find out what Thai brothers/sisters/cousins/mothers/fathers/ friends etc do/did in Thai - Thai relationships.

Let's face it there are usually enough extended family to give you a reasonable idea and draw reference from Then if you want to pay, do a bit more or less depending on your relative means.

Edited November 18, 2010 by fletchsmile

[fletchsmile]

On a personal note, I've found over the years observing what other family members/ friends do between themselves to be a great guide.

Being in a cross-cultural relationship is always going to involve decisions. You can each adamantly refuse to acknowledge the others cultures, and draw circles in the sand or you can share and work thru it together.

I have to say, I love the way my wife goes out and buys Christmas presents for my family. I've never heard her or anyone else complain she doesn't do it for the Thai side. Truth be told we have probably spent more on my side of the family, but my wife has never once complained.