Don'T Know What To Do About Farang Friend

[mrdeedee]

Does your friend have any close family members back where he came from?

If yes, try to find out about them, and tell (if you can) them about the problem?

After all, even though he is your friend, he is really not your responsibility outside the normal human decency.

sounds like man is not entitled to money from back HOME. another tidbit that just doesnt fly!

[mrdeedee]

op what do you mean when you say he wants his wife to go back to work in a bar .........................................

make money servicing men is what he means.....................lol.................trying to relive the glory days, one might say:lol:

[Millard]

To the OP, your intentions are good, but it's not fair to your wife that you're supporting John. Money spent on others is that much less for your own family.

[Peterbigeyes]

Very sound advise given earlier. I'd just like to add a little more. You mentioned in one of your replies that John says he has a useless son? Have you tried talking to him if it was possible at all? You have been a very decent friend, lending him money and supporting him for as long as you could but you do know that you are just giving him portions of your fish and not actually teaching him how to fish right? I do not believe that his offspring is incapable of earning a decent meal for his father.

[mrdeedee]

Very sound advise given earlier. I'd just like to add a little more. You mentioned in one of your replies that John says he has a useless son? Have you tried talking to him if it was possible at all? You have been a very decent friend, lending him money and supporting him for as long as you could but you do know that you are just giving him portions of your fish and not actually teaching him how to fish right? I do not believe that his offspring is incapable of earning a decent meal for his father.

maybe the son doesnt want to help a guy who married a bargirl..................................not that theres anything wrong with marrying a bargirl!

sounds like pop hasnt been a good decision maker all his life

wonder why a bg would choose a guy w little baht.........true love does happen ..i guess.

Edited September 2, 2010 by mrdeedee

[leininger]

Thanks again everyone. And Phil thank you also for kind offer but I would not drag other kind hearted people into this guys mess. Sad to hear about situation with the embassy. Some things I should clear up in the story. The son is wife's son, not John's. John has nephew back home who has lent him money and does things for him like mail his ATM cards here. But according to John he is only willing to go so far. There is something I believe here that John is failing to tell me, since when I offered to email nephew, as John does not own or know how to operate computer, he refused and instead he calls nephew on telephone, which is eating up his money, or writes letters which take forever. I believe John does not want me to contact his nephew, as nephew may tell me something John does not want to divulge. If John's wife is telling the truth, John does not mind her going with other men. I find this to be a disgusting behavior if it is true, but to be fair John or wife never told me this themselves. It is third hand information. I do not know his wife very well. In fact I only met her once

as to be honest I never visit John's house, except when he was sick with dengue fever, as it is a filthy mess and smells really foul, which pretty much describes John himself. I do agree he is starting to show signs of dementia, and other people like the woman shopkeeper have noticed this as well. I know of another farang who went batty and tourist police brought him to mental hospital, but hospital let him out next day and he was back wandering the streets. I will however try to get John to give me nephews number and contact him. I think this is really all I can do for him at this point

[smokie36]

An all too familiar story. OP you can only give so much of your time energy and cash. Don't forget that and sleep well. :jap:

[leininger]

Thank you Smokie. There is something about John which I sometimes forget when I feel bad about his situation. By his own words, he made a lot of money in his working days. he could have saved enough to retire comfortably, but instead he tells me he pissed it away on booze, women and horses. Most of his expenses such as room and board were paid by company. He was never married until he came to Thailand, so had no children or wife to support. So why should I or anyone worry about him now when he did not worry about himself.? I am not saying he did not earn his money because I am sure he did. But so did all of us. Most of us who are retired and living here had to sacrifice and plan for later years and are enjoying it now. I sent 3 daughters to university and two of my daughters have masters degrees. I had a good job but I was not rich. I am not bragging, only saying I was responsible for them but I am not responsible for this guy who I think is a leech. I will still try to help him if he is in real trouble, but I will no longer feel guilty about his situation. Thank you all for clearing my head and helping me get on the right track.

[mmh8]

Thanks again everyone. And Phil thank you also for kind offer but I would not drag other kind hearted people into this guys mess. Sad to hear about situation with the embassy. Some things I should clear up in the story. The son is wife's son, not John's. John has nephew back home who has lent him money and does things for him like mail his ATM cards here. But according to John he is only willing to go so far. There is something I believe here that John is failing to tell me, since when I offered to email nephew, as John does not own or know how to operate computer, he refused and instead he calls nephew on telephone, which is eating up his money, or writes letters which take forever. I believe John does not want me to contact his nephew, as nephew may tell me something John does not want to divulge. If John's wife is telling the truth, John does not mind her going with other men. I find this to be a disgusting behavior if it is true, but to be fair John or wife never told me this themselves. It is third hand information. I do not know his wife very well. In fact I only met her once

as to be honest I never visit John's house, except when he was sick with dengue fever, as it is a filthy mess and smells really foul, which pretty much describes John himself. I do agree he is starting to show signs of dementia, and other people like the woman shopkeeper have noticed this as well. I know of another farang who went batty and tourist police brought him to mental hospital, but hospital let him out next day and he was back wandering the streets. I will however try to get John to give me nephews number and contact him. I think this is really all I can do for him at this point

Have no idea if this has been mentioned before but here we go.

You are not helping anyone. If you provide an easy path the easy path will be taken. remove your chairty and let john, wife , son nephew and anyone else involved sort it out.

what are you doing?

[moe666]

I learned along time ago I give advice one time, please donot waste my time by not taking it, thinking about it, or completely ignoreing it and then come back and cry I am still in the same spot what do I do now. You can give one man 100baht or 100 men 1baht tomorrow they will be back with their hand out, sorry I give nothing.

Your family comes first you are married to your wife not this clown.

Good luck, we can have compassion and empathy for people but that doesn't mean we have to support them.

[leininger]

Yes mms you are right. John's only other remaining friend is Thai lady who owns shop where both John and I frequent. This lady is very kind hearted and has helped many farangs in trouble. However like me she owns a business so John thinks she is also rich. She is also like me in that she has a lot of expenses and bills to maintain shop. So this lady who I will call Duen and I were talking other day about John and she also said that she now refuses to give John any more money for same reason. He has come to expect it as his due and not only is he unappreciative but he blows it on dogs and useless crap instead of on food and other staples. One thing strange about situation is it was my wife who first set about helping John. We both met him at same time at bookshop and he seemed so destitute wife insisted I bring him some food and tea and clothing, which I did. When his wife wanted to throw him out my wife went even farther than I would go and offered to take him in. However as wife's mother also was living here at the time,(yes this is a common story) and i have very small home I refused. My wife changed her opinion after hearing that John wanted his wife to "work bar." Obviously this kind of thing, if it is true, will not win him friends amongst the Thai women in the neighborhood.

[mrdeedee]

Thank you Smokie. There is something about John which I sometimes forget when I feel bad about his situation. By his own words, he made a lot of money in his working days. he could have saved enough to retire comfortably, but instead he tells me he pissed it away on booze, women and horses. Most of his expenses such as room and board were paid by company. He was never married until he came to Thailand, so had no children or wife to support. So why should I or anyone worry about him now when he did not worry about himself.? I am not saying he did not earn his money because I am sure he did. But so did all of us. Most of us who are retired and living here had to sacrifice and plan for later years and are enjoying it now. I sent 3 daughters to university and two of my daughters have masters degrees. I had a good job but I was not rich. I am not bragging, only saying I was responsible for them but I am not responsible for this guy who I think is a leech. I will still try to help him if he is in real trouble, but I will no longer feel guilty about his situation. Thank you all for clearing my head and helping me get on the right track.

good 4 you sir!

for a while there you were the one who needed the help. most of us could see he was no friend, but you were unable too!

[TheLaughingMan]

Thanks again everyone. And Phil thank you also for kind offer but I would not drag other kind hearted people into this guys mess. Sad to hear about situation with the embassy. Some things I should clear up in the story. The son is wife's son, not John's. John has nephew back home who has lent him money and does things for him like mail his ATM cards here. But according to John he is only willing to go so far. There is something I believe here that John is failing to tell me, since when I offered to email nephew, as John does not own or know how to operate computer, he refused and instead he calls nephew on telephone, which is eating up his money, or writes letters which take forever. I believe John does not want me to contact his nephew, as nephew may tell me something John does not want to divulge. If John's wife is telling the truth, John does not mind her going with other men. I find this to be a disgusting behavior if it is true, but to be fair John or wife never told me this themselves. It is third hand information. I do not know his wife very well. In fact I only met her once

as to be honest I never visit John's house, except when he was sick with dengue fever, as it is a filthy mess and smells really foul, which pretty much describes John himself. I do agree he is starting to show signs of dementia, and other people like the woman shopkeeper have noticed this as well. I know of another farang who went batty and tourist police brought him to mental hospital, but hospital let him out next day and he was back wandering the streets. I will however try to get John to give me nephews number and contact him. I think this is really all I can do for him at this point

Have no idea if this has been mentioned before but here we go.

You are not helping anyone. If you provide an easy path the easy path will be taken. remove your chairty and let john, wife , son nephew and anyone else involved sort it out.

what are you doing?

THANKYOU, the only other rational clear thinking post on this thread!

[tomahawk]

I do not agree. I think there were many rational postings of advice in this particular thread, unlike many others I see on forum. It is not an easy situation to be in. You wish to help the less fortunate but still not destroy your own life and family. Yes this friend has made mistakes and lived foolishly but this is the case with many many people I have come across in this country. I would also tell OP he has done enough for this guy and should cut loose from him. Like a drowning person who will pull down the one trying to save him. But is easy to give anonymous advice to people but even though it is the smart thing to do, it is not easy for most people to just tell someone get lost, you are on your own now and I will not help you. Perhaps this is what is called tough love.

[loong]

If you have posted how long he has lived in Thailand, I missed it.

You say that he receives a pension, if he is receiving the full UK state pension, he should be far from destitute. Of course he may have had his pension frozen.

One wonders if he also has a private pension?

It's not uncommon for elderly people to suddenly adopt a scrounging lifestyle despite having a decent income. I'm not saying that this is true in your friend's case, but there is no doubt that he IS a scrounger. The fact that he won't allow you to contact his nephew seems odd, does it not?

If he comes around scrounging again, face up to him, tell him that you will help him only if he is willing to help you to help him. Insist on him giving you the nephew's contact details and if he refuses then show him the door. Tell him not to come back unless he is going to help you to help him.

You have no choice, you need to do this for the sake of your sanity and your marriage.

[taninthai]

there is an old saying 'YOU CANT HELP THOSE THAT WONT HELP THEMSELVES" i think this is the case here i would give one go at trying to contact the nephew and after that i dont think there is any more you can do ................

[leininger]

I have seen John's bank statements so I know he is telling truth about income. He receives 2 separate payments every month which total about 27,000 baht. of course this depends on currency exchange rate with British pounds. He has overdraught payments from bank which are deducted by bank before he gets money. He has been living Thailand continuously now for about 3 years but has been visiting here regularly for about 40 years.

Part of his dilemma is caused by his purchase of a house. He bought house while still working so he could afford it but now he is having trouble making payments, despite the fact they are less than 4,000 baht a month. I believe Thai bank has been very forgiving about missed payments and are trying to work with him to keep house. This is I am sure because bank does not really want this house. Some people have advised John that for financial reasons he should dump house and wife and live in cheap condo. However I feel that if this happens, he will be worse off. Though his marriage is far from ideal, at least he has people living with him in case of a serious medical or psychological breakdown. Also, I only get John's side of story, in which his wife is like straight from hel_l. However, I have never spoken to her myself but others who have give a completely different version of events. One thing I forgot to mention is John has a habit of threatening suicide. Considering his problems and mental state I suppose this isa possibility. I think though, hopefully anyway, this is like an emotional blackmail such as I have seen employed by some Thai women. I believe it is another way of gaining sympathy and especially money. My opinion is he likes himself too much to do this, but I am no psychiatrist and will feel very badly if he does this. But as many people say he is not my responsibility, and I have not enough faith in the local law enforcement and mental health system to feel it is worth reporting in any case.

As a side comment, I was sitting in coffee shop today with other farang and John rode past on his bicycle. He has returned from visa run to Laos, apparently. Not surprisingly I saw him go into dog food store. Probably picking up dinner for his wife. That was cruel joke but not too far from track as he told me himself he spends more money on dog than wife. His wife told shopkeeper lady that she spent all day making Thai dinner for him and he gave it to the dog. Another time she cooked dinner for her son, and John gave it to dog. Dog tasted it and didnt like it, so he put it back in refrigerator. However this is once again hearsay information.

Anyway I have made decision based on good advice from you fellows. I will ask for nephew's number or email account and if he refuses I will say adios.

It occurs to me now that I am wasting not only too much of my time on this guy but even worse you good hearted people who have spent time reading about this derelict and the idiot, namely me who is mixed up with him, so I will say thank you and not bother anyone anymore with this nonsense, especially now I have a clear plan of action thanks to the forum.

[mrdeedee]

I have seen John's bank statements so I know he is telling truth about income. He receives 2 separate payments every month which total about 27,000 baht. of course this depends on currency exchange rate with British pounds. He has overdraught payments from bank which are deducted by bank before he gets money. He has been living Thailand continuously now for about 3 years but has been visiting here regularly for about 40 years.

Part of his dilemma is caused by his purchase of a house. He bought house while still working so he could afford it but now he is having trouble making payments, despite the fact they are less than 4,000 baht a month. I believe Thai bank has been very forgiving about missed payments and are trying to work with him to keep house. This is I am sure because bank does not really want this house. Some people have advised John that for financial reasons he should dump house and wife and live in cheap condo. However I feel that if this happens, he will be worse off. Though his marriage is far from ideal, at least he has people living with him in case of a serious medical or psychological breakdown. Also, I only get John's side of story, in which his wife is like straight from hel_l. However, I have never spoken to her myself but others who have give a completely different version of events. One thing I forgot to mention is John has a habit of threatening suicide. Considering his problems and mental state I suppose this isa possibility. I think though, hopefully anyway, this is like an emotional blackmail such as I have seen employed by some Thai women. I believe it is another way of gaining sympathy and especially money. My opinion is he likes himself too much to do this, but I am no psychiatrist and will feel very badly if he does this. But as many people say he is not my responsibility, and I have not enough faith in the local law enforcement and mental health system to feel it is worth reporting in any case.

As a side comment, I was sitting in coffee shop today with other farang and John rode past on his bicycle. He has returned from visa run to Laos, apparently. Not surprisingly I saw him go into dog food store. Probably picking up dinner for his wife. That was cruel joke but not too far from track as he told me himself he spends more money on dog than wife. His wife told shopkeeper lady that she spent all day making Thai dinner for him and he gave it to the dog. Another time she cooked dinner for her son, and John gave it to dog. Dog tasted it and didnt like it, so he put it back in refrigerator. However this is once again hearsay information.

Anyway I have made decision based on good advice from you fellows. I will ask for nephew's number or email account and if he refuses I will say adios.

It occurs to me now that I am wasting not only too much of my time on this guy but even worse you good hearted people who have spent time reading about this derelict and the idiot, namely me who is mixed up with him, so I will say thank you and not bother anyone anymore with this nonsense, especially now I have a clear plan of action thanks to the forum.

maybe i spoke too soon:o

you really ought to seek professional help. you are way TOO concerned about this guy...........you hot for his wife or wot???????? :lol:

[leininger]

Mrdee dee, I was impressed at first because there was an entire posting thread here were people tried to help and there was not one immature moronic comment. However now you have fixed that, so the record is perfect. Also, if you met John's wife, you would see that your comment shows you are as confused as he is.

[mrdeedee]

lighten up sir.

giving money to a guy who gives the food his wife cooks him to a dog is a bit of a tarnish on your judgement. all im saying is maybe you should examine why you invest time effort and baht in this fruitless endeavour...............must be more to the story you not telling us.

there seems one party in all this who seems confused and its not the dude who prefers his ruffruff over his barwife.

Edited September 4, 2010 by mrdeedee

[leininger]

Deedee, sorry I confused you. I gave money before I knew about the dog story. Anyway I am somewhat confused. I am confused about why I have this bad friend, and why you probably have no friend at all. Only kidding. Just trying to lighten up.

[taninthai]

Deedee, sorry I confused you. I gave money before I knew about the dog story. Anyway I am somewhat confused. I am confused about why I have this bad friend, and why you probably have no friend at all. Only kidding. Just trying to lighten up.

op i did feel sorry for john ,but you now say he gets 27,000 bht a month ,so why is he borrowing money ,he cant be spending 27,000 bht a month on dog food

i know its not a great deal of money but he should easily be able to live on that given his wife earns a small amount as well .

i think its time you left john to sort out his probs and distance yourself from him ...........................

[threelegcowboy]

I had a US chap with simular problems. US Embassy recommended he call them. So I told him to call the US embassy and they would help him (number included). A few days later he found a way to help himself. That was all he needed was the threat of Embassy involment.

Edited September 4, 2010 by threelegcowboy

[frenchfarangjomtien]

Let him die alone !

I will never feel anything for poor low so farangs who should have stayed home. Enough poverty around here, no need to bring more !

[Thongkorn]

I suppose he has morfed into a thai .

[philw]

Let him die alone !

I will never feel anything for poor low so farangs who should have stayed home. Enough poverty around here, no need to bring more !

Quite right.

How very understanding and charming of you.

Here's hoping you never get toothache.

[hayden5650]

Let him die alone !

I will never feel anything for poor low so farangs who should have stayed home. Enough poverty around here, no need to bring more !

Totally agree. Survival of the fittest.

He even has the means to improve his situation, via his nephew, but refuses to do so. He obviously see's Original Poster as a soft target.

Stop giving him money and let 'Sink or Swim' take its course.

[scorecard]

As I mentioned in another thread , I have helped various people over the years to get back on their feet , more from helpfull advise and encouragement , some went on in a good state of mind , some just did not care . I do not do it any more , this man has made his own bed to lie on , you have attempted to get him on his own two feet with both good advise and money , your help seems to be going nowhere . Give him a few bucks just ONE more time and very firmly tell him from now on his problems are no longer your concern , it sounds like if you do not do this , you will need help with your own marital problems which sound as if they are already forming in the background .

I don't think you mentioned what country he is from. Some embassies will help, others will not.

[Thakkar]

Let him die alone !

I will never feel anything for poor low so farangs who should have stayed home. Enough poverty around here, no need to bring more !

"I will never feel anything for poor low so farangs..."

Seems to me like you will never feel anything, period.

[lannarebirth]

You may wish to introduce your friend to the care available to him here in Chiang Mai at McKean Rehabiliation center. Assisted living and non-assisted in a beautiful setting of hundreds of rai. He could probably even bring his dogs along. Mai paeng duey.

http://www.mckeanhosp.org/

Edited September 8, 2010 by lannarebirth