A Farmers Sense Of Humour

[IsaanAussie]

IA I think youv'e heard this before

what turns a fat ugly pig into a blonde bombshell

10 pints of lager

What turns a blond bombshell into a fat ugly pig?

a WEDDING RING

Grimley,

Me thinks you have heard this one as well,

there was this really drunk Ozzie farmer who slept with the ulgiest woman in Bangkok. He woke up to take a leak, now reasonably sober and looked at her as she slept on his arm. He did the only thing an aussie could do and followed the dingo principle when caught in a trap, knaw you own arm off rather than wake her up

[IsaanAussie]

Beer goggles, life's great equaliser. Arh well after all, all men are created equal, just some are more equal than others. The last words of Ned Kelly "Such is Life"

[tim armstrong]

IA I think youv'e heard this before

what turns a fat ugly pig into a blonde bombshell

10 pints of lager

What turns a blond bombshell into a fat ugly pig?

a WEDDING RING

Grimley,

Me thinks you have heard this one as well,

there was this really drunk Ozzie farmer who slept with the ulgiest woman in Bangkok. He woke up to take a leak, now reasonably sober and looked at her as she slept on his arm. He did the only thing an aussie could do and followed the dingo principle when caught in a trap, knaw you own arm off rather than wake her up

Good one Maybe there should be a book of tv humour ?

[grimleybob]

"Good one Maybe there should be a book of tv humour ? "

Or maybe a Movie

The AI man

Disclaimer This is a work of pure fiction and any likeness to any living person in sisaket province Issan is purely coincidental

[IsaanAussie]

Being an aussie and a pig farmer here in Thailand I can understand this sort of cock up

An aussie pig farmer had been using AI on his farm for years and breed some outstanding first cross pigs. On the other hand his children were clots, not a brain amongst them and the farmer said they had been standing behind the door when Gos handed out brains. The farmers wife on the other hand has a different opinion. Now she was anything but a rocket scientist coming from a blood line that favoured incest as long as it was kept in the family. She decided that the fault was his and she would prove it.

So along to the "Clinic" she goes and gets an appointment with the AI specialist. So how can I help you Madam? My husband is more concerned about the genetics of his pigs than his family and I want a smart baby for a change. No problem I'll order a dose and we can getyou served next week, OK? Fine see you then and off she goes home.

A week later and she is in the stirrups and the doctor enters unzipping his trousers. He assumes the position and just before contact she says whats this? I came here for an AI treatment of smart sperm. Yeh, well they were fresh out of bottled or you will have to have draught.

[IsaanAussie]

"Good one Maybe there should be a book of tv humour ? "

Or maybe a Movie

The AI man

Disclaimer This is a work of pure fiction and any likeness to any living person in sisaket province Issan is purely coincidental

Pleased by the disclaimer and entertained by the animation. All I can say is, "Oh you are aweful!"

[jazzbo]

... maybe you should be more careful about putting these humorous or 'revenge' type videos next to the one's of your wife ...

[grimleybob]

... maybe you should be more careful about putting these humorous or 'revenge' type videos next to the one's of your wife ...

I'm only after the ratings

I'd better watch out.She says she needs a young fit bodyguard to protect her from celeb stalkers.

Thanks for the post. She's now demanding performance rights of Bht100 per view

[Ricardo]

The Author of "There a wierd mob" was John O,grady . The story concerned the plight of Nino Cullotta . An Italian Immigrant just moved to Sydney NSW.

A story about his life there starting up a job in the building game. A very good read and very funny as well.

Cheers n Beers,

lesdunbar

After some years his doctor told him, he was working too hard & should take a year off to just go fishing, "Gone Fishing" (I think it was called) told the story of his becoming an apprentice licensed commercial fisherman. Excellent stuff !

[Nawtier]

remember Golden Fleece?

I do.

But I also know what 5 is in Thai and I found your OP confusing......but never mind.

[grimleybob]

Farmer in UK wins lottery

When interviewed by press he is asked what he intends to do

He says I'm off to Pattaya tomorrow to look at all the beautiful women.

One of the reporters says " what's your wife got to say about that"

He says " Why has she won as well"

[teletiger]

crawled under the mossie net,straightened a few bodies up and crashed. Time 12 pm...

1am - Wife started the diesel ute, loaded chilli,peanuts,snakebean,cucumber, had a yelling conversation with the neighbours. Banged every house door, car door, tailgate ect... Left around 1.30am...

2am - Wifes alcoholic sister gets the DTs... Starts ranting + raving, then abusing everything in sight. T [/size]

You've a nice descriptive way about you Trevor. That first phrase is a classic......and will always be Thailand.

Regards.

[grimleybob]

High in the Yorkshire Moors a farmer is snowed in by the recent storms.

Talking to his mate on the phone

He says "Last three days all my Wife's done is look thro window

I suppose I ought to let her in"

[grimleybob]

Police stop farmer on his way to Market. "Why are you driving with a Pig in the front of the car?

He replies " You cheeky bugger that's my Wife"

Policeman say's "I was talking to your Wife"

[grimleybob]

Police stop farmer on his way to Market. "Why are you driving with a Pig in the front of the car?

He replies " You cheeky bugger that's my Wife"

Policeman say's "I was talking to your Wife"

[krading]

A Kiwi walks into the pub with a pig under his arm

Barman say's "Where'd ya get that from?"

Pig says, "Down at the dole office, there's hundreds of the buggers there."

[Lickey]

3 fellas were caught by a cannibal tribe in Africa,, the chief says to the 1st one, WHERE YOU FROM? he says Ireland, chief says OK, IRISH STEW TONIGHT!, he says to 2nd one, WHERE YOU FROM? he says Scotland, chief says OK, SCOTCH BROTH TOMMORROW NIGHT!!,

He says to the 3rd one, WHERE YOU FROM? he says Bradford England, the chief says, hello mate, my son got a council house yet?

[IsaanAussie]

3 fellas were caught by a cannibal tribe in Africa,, the chief says to the 1st one, WHERE YOU FROM? he says Ireland, chief says OK, IRISH STEW TONIGHT!, he says to 2nd one, WHERE YOU FROM? he says Scotland, chief says OK, SCOTCH BROTH TOMMORROW NIGHT!!,

He says to the 3rd one, WHERE YOU FROM? he says Bradford England, the chief says, hello mate, my son got a council house yet?

Lickey,

When I last heard that joke the third captive replied Sydney Australia, and the chief asked, Gdday Gubba, is my cousins family still living in that old FJ Holden under the bridge?

IA

[Lickey]

IA, you might have another take on this one then?

My russian mrs had a glass eye, and one night she had run out of cleaning fluid, so she put it in her mouth so salvia would clean it, anyway, i suprised her and made her jump, she swallowed the eye, i said dont worry, it will pass through in a few days, just watch the toilet,

Well, a week passed and there was no sign of the eye in the bog, so i said perhaps its caught up inside? drop your nickers, bend over and i will have a look, i spread her cheeks with my hands, had a look and told her, I cant see anything!!, she said thats funny, i can see you!!

[IsaanAussie]

Lickey,

I think I've told this one before, but thinking of all things internal, can't think of a better response.

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm "I'd like to buy a horth"

He says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?" said the owner.

"A female horth" the dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a mare.

"Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"

So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.

"Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"

Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.

"Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the

dwarf to show him the horses ears.

"Nithe eerth.' he says 'Now...can I see her twot?"

With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and

shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina.

He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out

and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weef waze that...

"Can I see her wun awound?"

[Lickey]

Sorry IA, you did post that on my original jokes thingy, but still good for a laugh!!

I forgot to tell you fellas how i met my russian Mrs,

Story is, i went into a bar one night, and a pretty blonde girl sneezed and her glass eye flew out, it bounced on the bar and i caught it, i ambled round to her and gave her the eye back, she was so happy, i said when you look like you do, you can have a glass eye, no problem, well, she bought me drinks all night, and a big meal, went back to herroom had some mavellous sex, and at the breakfast table, i asked her why are you doing all this for me??

She said, well, you just happened to catch my eye!!

[IsaanAussie]

Lickey, sorry about that. Have I told the one about the sensitive farmer yet? Oh well here goes:

The Sensitive Farmer

A woman meets a farmer in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his farmhouse. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

IA

Edited December 11, 2010 by IsaanAussie

[CLEVERTREVOR]

crawled under the mossie net,straightened a few bodies up and crashed. Time 12 pm...

1am - Wife started the diesel ute, loaded chilli,peanuts,snakebean,cucumber, had a yelling conversation with the neighbours. Banged every house door, car door, tailgate ect... Left around 1.30am...

2am - Wifes alcoholic sister gets the DTs... Starts ranting + raving, then abusing everything in sight. T [/size]

You've a nice descriptive way about you Trevor. That first phrase is a classic......and will always be Thailand.

Regards.

Thanks for your comment Mr. Teletiger...

The dam truth is it's all true, I repeat these stories in Aus., The buggers don't believe

For more that is everyday Thai for me,,, Have a look at an old topic - Coming long time to Sa Kaeo... Seeyasall Trevor

[IsaanAussie]

An aussie farmer here just told me a story he claims is true, never one to ruin a good yarn with the truth, and desperate for a laugh, I thought I'd pass in on. If nothing else it demonstrates a possible tactic to battle the "negativity" often encountered here in Thailand:

So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

The wife was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for our trip to Rome ... She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Thai," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Thai?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome'sTiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further.. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

"Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Thai's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who the F__k did your hair?"

[grimleybob]

Farmers wife is reading paper at the breakfast table, she suddenly looks at her husband with a look of derision and contempt and says " It sez 'ere that a rampant Bull can mek luv at least 10 times a day"

Farmer says "So can I, but not to same ugly cow"

[ETC]

Being from the states, this reminded me a bit of the "Jackalope' (half jack rabbit and half antelope with big ears and a set of antlers). Find them mounted on walls in bars etc., and there's always some city dude that wants to know where you can go hunt them. 5555555555555

A farmer from Texas goes to Australia on vacation. There he meets an Australian farmer and gets talking. The Australian shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice that size!"

The Australian is annoyed at the Texan but doesn't say anything. They walk around the farm a little, and the Australian farmer shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately replies, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has died down when the Texan sees some kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks the Aussie, "What are those?"

The Australian replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

Edited March 22, 2011 by ETC

[ETC]

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farm hand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash.

"No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!"

The farm hand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days . . . and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.

On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farm hand was and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!"

[ETC]

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. 'So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this.' He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well, I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finish's first gets to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster.

So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.

By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself . . . "dam_n, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

[ETC]

A farmer was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant. He called a vet and asked what he should do if he wanted more pigs. The vet told him he should try artificial insemination. The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered okay and hung up the phone. Unclear on what the vet meant by artificial insemination, the farmer decided it must mean he had to impregnate the pigs himself, so he loaded all the pigs in his pickup and drove down to the woods and shagged them all. The next day he called the vet again, and asked how would he know if the pigs were pregnant. The vet told him they would be lying down rolling in the mud, but when he looked out the window not even one was lying down. So, he loaded them up in his pickup again and drove them to the woods and shagged them all again. To his dismay they were all standing the next morning. So, again he loads the pigs in his truck drives them to the woods and shags them for the third time. By the next morning the farmer is beat, so he asks his wife to hop out of bed and look out the window to see what the pigs are doing. She says "hmmm - that's weird, they are all in the truck and one of them is blowing the horn".

[IsaanAussie]

A farmer was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant. He called a vet and asked what he should do if he wanted more pigs. The vet told him he should try artificial insemination. The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered okay and hung up the phone. Unclear on what the vet meant by artificial insemination, the farmer decided it must mean he had to impregnate the pigs himself, so he loaded all the pigs in his pickup and drove down to the woods and shagged them all. The next day he called the vet again, and asked how would he know if the pigs were pregnant. The vet told him they would be lying down rolling in the mud, but when he looked out the window not even one was lying down. So, he loaded them up in his pickup again and drove them to the woods and shagged them all again. To his dismay they were all standing the next morning. So, again he loads the pigs in his truck drives them to the woods and shags them for the third time. By the next morning the farmer is beat, so he asks his wife to hop out of bed and look out the window to see what the pigs are doing. She says "hmmm - that's weird, they are all in the truck and one of them is blowing the horn".

ETC,

That has long been a personal favorite joke. Have you got one that deals with farmers sitting up waiting for farrowing to start?

IA

PS. Reminds of a couple I posted somewhere before. The farmer who had a smart pig with only three legs, and when asked about the missing leg said, " well you can't just eat a smart pig like that all at once". Or the farmer who bred three legged chickens so he, his wife, and his son, could all enjoy a drumstick. These chickens could run at blinding pace and an amazed onlooker asked the farmer about them. After being told why three legs he asked,"What do they taste like?". "Dont know, cant catch 'em" was the answer.