ClaritySeeker Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 (edited) Hi I've been hanging out with my thai male friend for about 2 months now. I call it hanging out because honestly I don't really know what it is. We got out and have dinner (just him and me) and chat for hours at a time. He acts kind of boyfriendy sometimes by paying for things and hinting at a closer relationship but nothing has ever happened between us. He speaks english and I speak no thai. I'm thinking that maybe I'm just misinterpreting his communications as things do get lost in translation when english is a person's second language. I get daily txts from him and on more than one occassion he's told me he 'always wants to stand beside me', I have no idea what he might mean by that. He also gets a little bit handsy during our dinners, hand on the leg, on top of the hand etc. But otherwise makes no other move. And sometimes he gets this look of frustration on his face that I really don't understand. Almost like he's expecting something of me. A guy checked me out the other day while we were together and he stared daggers at him for like 10 mins. Normally I'd say this was indication of someone liking me but the complete and total lack of anything sexual happening between us is quite odd. Nevertheless he's always calling me to meet up with him, a couple of times a week. Any insight? Edited October 25, 2010 by ClaritySeeker Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbk Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 He's shy to make the first move. This is pretty normal for normal guys. Yes, it sounds like he likes you. But unless you really need things to move fast, then I would follow at his pace, gives you plenty of time to decide how far you want this relationship to go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaritySeeker Posted October 25, 2010 Author Share Posted October 25, 2010 Ok thanks for that. I've not had anyone act like this before, things normally move at a slightly faster pace. So saying that I'm comfortable with what we've got going on and quite happy to continue along the same lines. I'm in no rush for another relationship and it will be a nice change to take things slow. Besides there are all sorts of complications to the situation such as the fact we are both not permanent residents of the same country. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
britmaveric Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 (edited) I concur "shyness" is a killer. Either make the move for him or continue at the same pace and let him make the next move when he is confident enough. Edited October 25, 2010 by britmaveric Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mssabai Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 Well it is 2010 now too though. Don't be afraid to make the first move if that's where you want it to head! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IanForbes Posted October 26, 2010 Share Posted October 26, 2010 I concur "shyness" is a killer. Either make the move for him or continue at the same pace and let him make the next move when he is confident enough. As others have said, it's probably a case of the man being a bit unsure of himselt. He probably doesn't want to make a fool of himself and doesn't have the experience with a western woman to know what to do. Because "face" is so important in the Thai culture the guy feels a little out of his league with a western woman. He probably had no trouble at all with Thai girls, but is a bit intimidated by a western women whom he assumes has more confidence in who she is. it's no different than men who are a bit intimidated with women they are truly interested in. I was no different. With gals I was only partially interested in I had no trouble making out. But, with the few gals I thought might make a good mate I always took my time. I didn't want to scare her off. Even today I still let the women make the first move. But, with all the experience I've now had I know how to take it to another level. There is that old line that sometimes breaks the ice with a bit of humour, and often takes it to another level.... " I would love to have breakfast with you." If the reply is an affirmative then your next reply is... " Great! Should I call you or nudge you?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaritySeeker Posted October 26, 2010 Author Share Posted October 26, 2010 Well if the truth be known, I am intimidated by him... I'm not normally shy around guys but he is different in my eyes. So I'm finding it hard to go the usual routine of incidental touching, innuendo etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lumumba Posted October 26, 2010 Share Posted October 26, 2010 Next dinner date , forget the bra and sit where the aircon blows the hardest, he will hasten the pace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
richard_smith237 Posted October 26, 2010 Share Posted October 26, 2010 (edited) Next dinner date , forget the bra and sit where the aircon blows the hardest, he will hasten the pace. I'm not sure that the guy is looking for somewhere to hang his coat Lumumba ! It does sound as though this gent is extremely shy, it also appears you have earned his utmost respect which I can only see as a positive sign. Some guys are definitely more touchy feely than others so it might be a good idea to observe him with other friends. Innocent question: what does your 'gaydar' tell you? is it possible that he's fighting an inner battle with his sexuality? Another question: would it damage your friendship if you were to make a first move and you were wrong? Suggestion: Sometimes a little social lubrication is all it takes - i.e. a bottle of wine or two and a relaxed private setting.... Edited October 26, 2010 by richard_smith237 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaritySeeker Posted October 27, 2010 Author Share Posted October 27, 2010 I give up on this one. No I don't believe he is gay, yes I do like him but everytime we meet up it feels like being in limbo. Everything is always just slightly off in a way that's really hard to explain. It's always like getting onto the train platform just as the train pulls away. I'm not about to jump on anyone, it's not my style and honestly I tend to think if he's that ambivalent anyway then what's the point? Frustrated? Yes most definately. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
britmaveric Posted October 27, 2010 Share Posted October 27, 2010 Why don't you probe a bit and ask him if he is looking for a gf? One of these you are a good lad, handsum, intelligent ect and surprised you do not have a steady lady. Who knows maybe that will lead him to say he has interest in you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RueFang Posted October 27, 2010 Share Posted October 27, 2010 I give up on this one. No I don't believe he is gay, yes I do like him but everytime we meet up it feels like being in limbo. Everything is always just slightly off in a way that's really hard to explain. It's always like getting onto the train platform just as the train pulls away. I'm not about to jump on anyone, it's not my style and honestly I tend to think if he's that ambivalent anyway then what's the point? Frustrated? Yes most definately. I think that slightly off feeling stems from things unsaid between you and perhaps him wanting to take it to the next level but not wanting to scare you off. There's no way he's ambivalent from what you've said in these posts, he sounds keen, just cultural differences coming in to play in my opinion. If you have the inclination, I would maybe start giving him a kiss on the cheek when saying hello/goodbye to take it slightly above the current level and even going in for a real kiss, but depends on how slow you want it to go. I know my husband (Thai) never would have made the first physical move on me as he didn't know how to act with a western woman, so I just went in for the kill . The transition from nothing to serious is pretty immediate though so you should perhaps know what you want before making a move! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaritySeeker Posted October 27, 2010 Author Share Posted October 27, 2010 (edited) Grrr! Why can't I multi-quote? It only ever gives me one person's quote. Thank you all for your kind advice and helpfulness. There are a few more circumstances around the situation which I don't want to make public (no he's not married and neither am I) but they are tricky and adding to the stress of the situation. But you've answered my basic Q anyway which is...what the hel_l is he thinking?.... Ok so one of those circumstances is the visa issue. He doesn't have one for my country, fine not my problem really. After my last asian fiancee I promised myself that I would never ever agree to sponsor a visa ever again. If I'm going to have a foreign partner then basically we have to be self-sufficient as far as visa's are concerned. I've not told him any of this btw....but of course it's something I have in the back of my mind. He wants to stay (has told me that much) and I have no idea if he qualifies for a visa on his own or not. I just don't want to be put in the awkward situation of having him ask. And really, we shouldn't even be having to have this consideration so early on... Edited October 27, 2010 by ClaritySeeker Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbk Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 Um, I hate to say this, but it sounds like YOU are the one overthinking the whole thing. Is he asking you to helps solve the visa issue or are you just doing that thing that we women all manage to do so well and project so far into the future that we end up shooting ourselves in the foot (and yes, I am completely guilty of this). Its tough to do, but go with the flow. take it easy, and see how it evolves, naturally. As a dear friend of mine says to me on a regular basis: STOP THINKING! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaritySeeker Posted October 28, 2010 Author Share Posted October 28, 2010 Um, I hate to say this, but it sounds like YOU are the one overthinking the whole thing. Is he asking you to helps solve the visa issue or are you just doing that thing that we women all manage to do so well and project so far into the future that we end up shooting ourselves in the foot (and yes, I am completely guilty of this). Its tough to do, but go with the flow. take it easy, and see how it evolves, naturally. As a dear friend of mine says to me on a regular basis: STOP THINKING! Good call. Alright I promise to abandon this thread post haste... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbk Posted October 28, 2010 Share Posted October 28, 2010 good luck with that, it never works for me, but I do keep telling myself, after I've had a good obsessive session over something, to stop thinking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaritySeeker Posted October 29, 2010 Author Share Posted October 29, 2010 good luck with that, it never works for me, but I do keep telling myself, after I've had a good obsessive session over something, to stop thinking. Update - we saw each other last night. What can I say except I really think nothing is there at all. I've tried kissing him on the cheek and he never reciprocates and in fact turns his head away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbk Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 He is Thai? Where in Thailand is he from? PDA's are frowned upon in large swathes of Thailand so it could either be he's just not that into you or it could be that he's embarrassed by the PDA (public display of affection) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarpedon Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 He is Thai? Where in Thailand is he from? PDA's are frowned upon in large swathes of Thailand so it could either be he's just not that into you or it could be that he's embarrassed by the PDA (public display of affection) What she said. Some Thai's wont even hold hands in public and this goes for guys and girls depending on where they come from and personally how conservative they are. If you try it in a more private environment and he still does the same then you have your answer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patsycat Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 There was a great story in the Daily Wail this week about a woman of a certain age who went to the Gambia and married a guy who was 25. She was around 60. After their wirlwind romance etc, they got married. She realised pretty quick that he had married her for a visa to the UK. Now she is getting her own back, she has refused to divorce him - so he cannot find another woman to marry for the visa. The only thing she has to do is change her will, if she has one, because he can claim all her money because he is her spouse. WOMAN POWER OP, you are young, I wish i was. Make the first move, when he kisses you on the cheek turn your head so it is a full on lip kiss. And then you will know... And hold your phone up in a good position - cos i want a photo of the first kiss. Not pervy, just romantic... Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StreetCowboy Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 (edited) ... OP, you are young, I wish i was. Make the first move, when he kisses you on the cheek turn your head so it is a full on lip kiss. And then you will know... ... Good luck. I thought you were as young as me; that Ian Forbes, he's younger than both of us put together! SC Edited October 30, 2010 by StreetCowboy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patsycat Posted October 30, 2010 Share Posted October 30, 2010 (edited) It was my 47th birthday on 24 September. I don't lie about my age, i feel good!! Edited October 30, 2010 by Patsycat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike123ca Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 How many chance's were given for this guy to make a move? If I was a woman, I would blow him off. It sounds like he doesn't even know what he wants... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zzdocxx Posted November 1, 2010 Share Posted November 1, 2010 I think along the same lines as britm., which is to obliquely bring it up in conversation. This may be a good way to communicate with someone who is shy. Try steering the conversation around to the subject of relationships, that he would be such a catch for some girl, does he think a relationship between Thai man and Farang lady can work out, does he see himself getting married, does he want kids, does he get lonely, etc. etc. Of course you may express your desires along these lines, I mean if that is they type of relationship you are interested in. I mean just try to get to talking about the subject in general and you may find out his values and views on that sort of thing. Good communication is key, but can be a challenge in these situations. It's like the old-timer said, really really liking someone can cause a loss of the power of speech! Hmmm, maybe you could say you want to practice Thai massage a little bit and would he mind if you do so on his shoulders? Just brainstorming here, good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaritySeeker Posted November 7, 2010 Author Share Posted November 7, 2010 (edited) Well I should do the polite thing here and give an update since the situations resolved itself. The short version is yes he is\was interested but just can't see any way we can be together long term so didn't want to 'go there'. Nice to know the truth but frustrating as well....oh well that's life I suppose. Edited November 7, 2010 by ClaritySeeker Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zzdocxx Posted November 8, 2010 Share Posted November 8, 2010 Hey CS when my mom was in high-school there was a popular series of books for girls, one of them was entitled "Men Are Like Streetcars". The idea being that if you missed one, another one would be along shortly. Anyway, curious to know how the truth came to be revealed. ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbk Posted November 8, 2010 Share Posted November 8, 2010 Sounds mature, sensible and disappointing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaritySeeker Posted November 8, 2010 Author Share Posted November 8, 2010 The worst part is 2 months, well now 3 have passed! We could have been having a great time together but instead just spent it in utter frustration. Wasting time. I would rather have a short relationship then say goodbye than none at all and live with regret. Now I will forever feel like this was something that was meant to be, but wasn't and kick myself over it for an eternity. I do believe I am actually angry with him at this point.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RueFang Posted November 8, 2010 Share Posted November 8, 2010 The worst part is 2 months, well now 3 have passed! We could have been having a great time together but instead just spent it in utter frustration. Wasting time. I would rather have a short relationship then say goodbye than none at all and live with regret. Now I will forever feel like this was something that was meant to be, but wasn't and kick myself over it for an eternity. I do believe I am actually angry with him at this point.... I'm a bit confused. If you like each other, make it work. Many of us have made it work... if time goes on and you find it not working, split up. As you said, better to have had an amazing short relationship then to live with regret of not knowing what could've been. You can't just blame him, it's just as much you not making it work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaritySeeker Posted November 8, 2010 Author Share Posted November 8, 2010 (edited) It's hard and I don't want to explain on here why. I just have to come to terms with 'this is what is'. Edited November 8, 2010 by ClaritySeeker Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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