Married To A Falang

[JurgenG]

My gf and I met abroad. We have similar social status and education level. My gf is very comfortable in an international environment, her english is actually better than mine.Everything was perfect until we went to Thailand. At first her family didn't really approve she was going out with a foreigner, but now it's ok.

The problem is little by little my gf realized she is going out with a foreigner. What I mean is I don't think, act, react like a Thai. Abroad, it wasn't really much of a problem, but in Thailand it's getting really more and more obvious everyday.

To be fair, we have a lot of mix marriage friends, they live in New Zealand, Australia, Canada , England ...and it's working fine, as the wifes (thai, friends of my gf) integrate very well in their new country. So basically the problem is with me, I can't really "melt" in the Thai society. I offered my gf to move abroad , on more "neutral" ground, but she really wants to stay in Thailand.

Lately I take advantage of any opportunity to work in our China office, just to get away for Thailand. But I know it's only a short term solution.

Does anybody have a similar experience, met a very nice Thai girl abroad, move to Thailand and then realize the person they knew just fade away to be replaced by a complete stranger ?

What's the solution ?

[Soutpeel]

Find a new GF...

[Chunky1]

why do you dislike thailand so strongly compared to china?

[random]

why do you dislike thailand so strongly compared to china?

he doesn't say he dislikes Thailand. he doesnt say he likes china more than thailand, did you actually read the OP? It is clear the issue is with his integration and issues with his wife.

[JurgenG]

Thais are great at reading people, which includes your lady, if your sending out the wrong vibes, in other words they don't like you, she will know about it.

Agree, that's why I try to stay away until I find a solution

why do you dislike thailand so strongly compared to china?

First, as you can guess from this thread, I'm now in a very uncomfortable situation, it may explain my feeling toward Thailand ....

Second, on a professional level, as a friend put it, in Thailand I feel like a fly in a jar, everywhere you go you hit a wall. China, again on a professional level, offers more opportunities, is much more open to foreigners.

But if I gave the feeling I dislike Thailand, it's wrong, it's just the situation is not so easy for me at the moment

[slapout]

You met you girlfriend in an environment where she was the foreigner, maybe you were also in said country, but she looked to you to kind of lead the way. Language, culture, etc all contribute to her probably following your lead and suggestions. Your back on her home territory and you are considered farang by her family, etc. She knows the ins and outs, at least she thinks she does and it may be that you just need to acknowledge that.

There are many variables such as is she working, are you living in your own house while in Thailand, etc. It really comes down to the commitment you both have to each other and how bad you want it to work long term.

[craigt3365]

I have met many mixed marriage couples in LOS and non that l can think of mix too well. Mainly cos they don't want too. But it seems the Thais except that without a problem. It really is up to the individual. Me, mix with them all, sing a song, dance Thai style, whatever, and what ever their status in society doesn't matter to me.

Thais are great at reading people, which includes your lady, if your sending out the wrong vibes, in other words they don't like you, she will know about it.

My village is about 3/4th's mixed marriages. And they are working out about as well as in any Western country. Some are fantastic, some are on the rocks. Same, same.

I do 100% agree with your comment that it is up to you as to how you fit in. It's a completely different culture. Enjoy the differences. Jump in and dance Thai style. Be polite. Sit with the hiso's and drink fine wine, or head to the village and drink 40 degree around the fire. This is what I do and I have never had a problem. I have found if you have an attitude, they will too...Treat them with respect and be an equal and they will do the same to you.

I have a good friend who has worked in China for 5+ years and he can't wait to get out. He hates it there and wants to move to Thailand. Everybody is different.

JurgenG: I hope it works out for you. Hang in there!!!!

[Forethat]

My gf and I met abroad. We have similar social status and education level. My gf is very comfortable in an international environment, her english is actually better than mine.Everything was perfect until we went to Thailand. At first her family didn't really approve she was going out with a foreigner, but now it's ok.

The problem is little by little my gf realized she is going out with a foreigner. What I mean is I don't think, act, react like a Thai. Abroad, it wasn't really much of a problem, but in Thailand it's getting really more and more obvious everyday.

To be fair, we have a lot of mix marriage friends, they live in New Zealand, Australia, Canada , England ...and it's working fine, as the wifes (thai, friends of my gf) integrate very well in their new country. So basically the problem is with me, I can't really "melt" in the Thai society. I offered my gf to move abroad , on more "neutral" ground, but she really wants to stay in Thailand.

Lately I take advantage of any opportunity to work in our China office, just to get away for Thailand. But I know it's only a short term solution.

Does anybody have a similar experience, met a very nice Thai girl abroad, move to Thailand and then realize the person they knew just fade away to be replaced by a complete stranger ?

What's the solution ?

JurgenG, I don't think a seven-year itch is a problem specific to a mixed Farang-Thai relationship.

What is relevant is that for a relationship to work in the long run both parties are required to compromise. This involves admitting your own flaws and faults, and excuse me for saying so (I'm not trying to upset you here, I'm just pointing out the obvious) but for those of us who have read your posts lately it's pretty obvious you don't posess to kind of personality admitting your own faults, correct? I think it reasonable that your GF accepts some flaws, just like you are probably willing to accept some of hers, but judging from your posts here on TV I have a fairly good picture of what your GF is going through on a daily basis. We are all different, and maybe you, JurgenG, are the most different of us all.

On the good side, you've realized that you're the problem; that you will never be able to react, think and act like a Thai. If you're being honest in your attempt to save your relationship, I suggest you make an attempt to gain ful understanding of the Buddhist eightfold path.

Wisdom

1. Right View

2. Right Intention

3. Right Speech

Ethical Conduct

4. Right Action

5. Right Livelihood

6. Right Effort

Mental Development

7. Right Mindfulness

8. Right Concentration

[Loz]

bold admissions! think you have to grasp the nettle and work on yourself or, do what seems to come naturally and remove yourself from the worsening situation. flip a coin if you must but i think you know what you want to do but need to feel like its not admitting defeat. maybe because people close to you already warned you it wouldn't work. sod your pride and focus on lasting happiness. does that sound like something you'll share with your wife?

[Chunky1]

My village is about 3/4th's mixed marriages.

Howd that happen?

[Captain Haddock]

My village is about 3/4th's mixed marriages.

Howd that happen?

Boy meets girl, boy marries girl, boy wants an easy life etc...

[JurgenG]

bold admissions! think you have to grasp the nettle and work on yourself or, do what seems to come naturally and remove yourself from the worsening situation. flip a coin if you must but i think you know what you want to do but need to feel like its not admitting defeat. maybe because people close to you already warned you it wouldn't work. sod your pride and focus on lasting happiness. does that sound like something you'll share with your wife?

I'm afraid you nailed it.

Unfortunately there isn't much to discuss, I think that's what you would call " irreconcilable differences ". It doesn't help that her mother keeps on reminding my gf the way "Thai" should behave. Fighting against family is a hopeless, at the end it's just about admitting defeat.

[JurgenG]

Maybe your GF is having issues with how SHE is perceived among her peers with having a foreigner for a boyfriend.

Yes, definitively !!!!

This problem didn't exist when we were abroad but it seems now she has to prove all the time she is Thai and not a Falang servant. And that her family keeps on reminding her about prejudice against falang doesn't help at all.

[GuestHouse]

I suspect that the issue is not that the OP fits in or does not fit in but rather the reality of the family pressure his g/f is under.

If the g/f's family are hostile to the relationship, and it seems from what the OP tells us they are, then she would have to be very strong willed and self assured to stand up to the pressures her family are almost certainly putting on her.

Yes mixing as much as you can and absorbing as much of Thai culture is always a good idea, but I know several foreigners living happy married lives in Thailand who make little or no effort to assimilate - and as I've often argued you can't possible start to respect other people and other people's cultures until you respect yourself and your own culture fist.

I'll repeat what I've said before on this subject - Every single time I've heard a Thai person make an accusation of a foreigner's behaviour not being the 'Thai Way' or in some sense contradictory to 'Thai Culture' the root problem has never ever ever been behaviour contradictory to Thai culture or Thai ways.

My advice, cut your losses and move on, you're on a hiding to nothing with the 'best possible outcome' being that you subjugate your own behaviour and needs to what your g/f is telling you is demanded by her interpretation of Thai culture. - In short form, you'll wind up pussy whipped - Don't believe me, look around you.

Call Game Over while you're ahead.

Edited December 12, 2010 by GuestHouse

[Beetlejuice]

I have lived in Thailand many years and although my Thai language skills are crap, I mix in extremely well with Thai people. I actually make an effort to do so without going over the top, just being my normal self and treating the environment and those around me the same as I would in my own country, no big deal.

I think the OP may have other issues here regarding the relationship with his girlfriend and her family. Perhaps he just doesn’t fit in or is unable to adjust to the Thai scene.

I know several farangs living here just like the OP, been here for years but unable to integrate into Thai society and in a way trapped in their own worlds. They usually end up living reclusive lives and miserable.

The only person who can resolve the problem is the OP himself. He has to analyse what is wrong and try to come to some compromise with his girlfriend and her family, otherwise this relationship is going to fail.

Now; would I lie to you?

[Chunky1]

Why can't OP just sit in the corner and not mix? Why doesn't he give us some examples of what his in-laws don't like about him or want from him? What if OP was deaf and did not speak? Are all deaf Thai people castigated from Thai society because of their inability to properly communicate? Of course not.

If I had to make a random guess, the family probably wants money and OP is in denial and does not want to let that piece of the puzzle slip.

99/100 times when I read this story on Thai Visa it's about money.

[kpmsprtd]

I don't propose to have a solution, just my own story from an alternate universe. I met and married an excellent lady in a foreign country, and we lived there relatively happily for years. After we moved back to Americana (my native country), the marriage relationship gradually deteriorated until it was gone.

You are onto an important idea. The country (or state or province) a couple lives in, as well as proximity to or distance from family members, changes behaviors, views, and the relationship. How to manage those changes? I obviously failed at that. I wish a better result for you and your spouse. Looking back, the one thing that might have saved our relationship is if we had both kept trying and trying to find some way to communicate that worked for the other.

[Forethat]

I'm puzzled as to the "same educational level" statement made by OP. Does that mean they're both dropouts..?

My gf is very comfortable in an international environment, her english is actually better than mine

Ehhh, I'n not implying anything here, but most people who have lived in LOS for a couple of years knows exactly what this means...

[chuang]

In Rome do as the Romans do.....

[TAWP]

Have any examples as to 'how a Thai should behave' that you are being pressured towards?

[maccaroni man]

Why can't OP just sit in the corner and not mix? Why doesn't he give us some examples of what his in-laws don't like about him or want from him? What if OP was deaf and did not speak? Are all deaf Thai people castigated from Thai society because of their inability to properly communicate? Of course not.

If I had to make a random guess, the family probably wants money and OP is in denial and does not want to let that piece of the puzzle slip.

99/100 times when I read this story on Thai Visa it's about money.

i think the op stated that he met one woman abroad and she is a different person now that she is in her home country, imo this is not too difficult to take at face value. as others have posted she is now on her home turff and you are no longer the guru she depended on when you were abroad. I think your suggestion to move to a a different country is sound advice but the the real catch is that she is home near her mother and Thais really have a thing for their mothers which is a big can of worms, if you love her and she loves you she will deal with them looking at you as an outsider, if you love her deal with being an outsider as this will never change. Have a couple of kids and they will accept the situation more then now but you will still be an outsider. If you want real peace get a new woman who is not tied to her mother.

[thaimate]

My wife and i met and lived in Thailand and got on well,we moved to Britain got married and got on better ,we came back to Thailand and get on great.

its the same the world over for couples ,you either get on or you dont.

[bina]

first most people, when they go back to their home town, home country etc revert back to being the way thay were before they left, even a teeny weeny bit,although as they get older and have kids of their own, some of that wears off. however, most westerners leave home early on, and develop their own personalities separate from family, from an early age. not so village people. they see themselves through the villages' eyes unless they are away. the minute they are back, they fall back in to the groove they were in before leaving, and the family behaviors just reinforce that. i saw it with my (now) ex when we moved backt to his kibbutz after three years in the city away from extended family. family pressure regardless of culture rears its head when u are close to the family physically.

i was always too american for my previous father in law, and no matter how israeli i am now and was then, and how 'kibbutz' i was, it was never right for the FIL so he constantly fed my ex's thoughts in the same lines. of course there were underlying problems before and since but it doesnt help to have a family member harping and nudging the son/daughter about his marriage choice.

your wife is now seeing u through others' eyes and all the things she was attracted too previously bight be liabilities now through others' eyes... if she isnt strong enough or u arent able to sort out what the 'dislikes' are, then the marriage will go off, and best now, before kids because kids just add to the general cultural tensions and dissidence between people.

the'thai way' doesnt just mean eating sticky rice with one hand, not blowing your nose during dinner, or handing out money; it emcompasses many more things in general behavior (naam jai in appropriate forms), shows of wealth and status if need be (i find myself putting on the bling when we visit thais in various areas since that is my way of showing status of hubby and self, since i am the visitng farang wife. they know we are poor, but the show is expected. as a matter of fact, the word 'show' shows up a lot when dealing with village thais. i can be as 'villagey' as they come, having worked a farm etc, but what is expected from me doesnt always include the 'farm' aspect.

since thais are not good at vocalizing what they exactly mean, u will have to work out the puzzle. im still trying to istill the idea that when girls here wear short tank tops and skirts they are not 'bad girls' and girls here at 15 are not marriageable, as the working thai males here seem to think. when i protest, they always say, 'its not the thai way'.. and when i point out that it isnt MY way as we are here and not in thailand doesnt always give the message. i have to point out behaviors that they do here that are not teh 'israeli' way adn are not acceptable here.

so u may have to actually sit down and make lists with your wife as to what things are your (german?) way, and waht things are 'thai' way, and see if the things are concrete (bling i.e. showing off the farang wealth/status), how u approach your mother/father in laws (respect , not buy them off, but actually prove that u do not see their daughter as a 'working girl type' which mgiht be part of the stigma of her marrying a farang), trying to delicately get involved in more 'thai' things , wat, parties, music, high school events, whatever...

involve them in your life a bit more- i brought pictures of my parents and sister, baby pics etc, it kidn of shows them who i am without me having to put it in words... thais wont ask about the past too much, as hubby put it 'thats not the thai way' to ask about past,

jsut ideas, all, and my personal opinions.

bina

isael

[Loz]

bold admissions! think you have to grasp the nettle and work on yourself or, do what seems to come naturally and remove yourself from the worsening situation. flip a coin if you must but i think you know what you want to do but need to feel like its not admitting defeat. maybe because people close to you already warned you it wouldn't work. sod your pride and focus on lasting happiness. does that sound like something you'll share with your wife?

I'm afraid you nailed it.

Unfortunately there isn't much to discuss, I think that's what you would call " irreconcilable differences ". It doesn't help that her mother keeps on reminding my gf the way "Thai" should behave. Fighting against family is a hopeless, at the end it's just about admitting defeat.

Sometimes it takes an outsider to cut through and see things for what they are. I have never explored a relationship here for the very reasons you are about to terminate yours, among others. I just see the odds as being so slim its not worth pursuing. I am happy for those enjoying their relationships here. Happier still for those who are happy AND understand the dynamics.

new year, fresh start, buddy.

All the best!

[Loz]

Why can't OP just sit in the corner and not mix? Why doesn't he give us some examples of what his in-laws don't like about him or want from him? What if OP was deaf and did not speak? Are all deaf Thai people castigated from Thai society because of their inability to properly communicate? Of course not.

If I had to make a random guess, the family probably wants money and OP is in denial and does not want to let that piece of the puzzle slip.

99/100 times when I read this story on Thai Visa it's about money.

i think the op stated that he met one woman abroad and she is a different person now that she is in her home country, imo this is not too difficult to take at face value. as others have posted she is now on her home turff and you are no longer the guru she depended on when you were abroad. I think your suggestion to move to a a different country is sound advice but the the real catch is that she is home near her mother and Thais really have a thing for their mothers which is a big can of worms, if you love her and she loves you she will deal with them looking at you as an outsider, if you love her deal with being an outsider as this will never change. Have a couple of kids and they will accept the situation more then now but you will still be an outsider. If you want real peace get a new woman who is not tied to her mother.

No offence, but suggesting you have a couple of kids to try and fix a failing relationship should be a crime punishable by chemical castration. If you were joking, its not funny and if you were serious, I think you do a very convincing act of portraying an utter moron. Because of course being an honorable TV Member you must be a decent upstanding bloke so this post is just some persona you dreamed up for kicks. either way, please don't suggest that again without thinking through the consequences of doing so and then finding the relationship still doesn't work.

[breathe deeply....1.....2...3....4...."calming thoughts"....."calming thoughts"]

[maccaroni man]

Why can't OP just sit in the corner and not mix? Why doesn't he give us some examples of what his in-laws don't like about him or want from him? What if OP was deaf and did not speak? Are all deaf Thai people castigated from Thai society because of their inability to properly communicate? Of course not.

If I had to make a random guess, the family probably wants money and OP is in denial and does not want to let that piece of the puzzle slip.

99/100 times when I read this story on Thai Visa it's about money.

i think the op stated that he met one woman abroad and she is a different person now that she is in her home country, imo this is not too difficult to take at face value. as others have posted she is now on her home turff and you are no longer the guru she depended on when you were abroad. I think your suggestion to move to a a different country is sound advice but the the real catch is that she is home near her mother and Thais really have a thing for their mothers which is a big can of worms, if you love her and she loves you she will deal with them looking at you as an outsider, if you love her deal with being an outsider as this will never change. Have a couple of kids and they will accept the situation more then now but you will still be an outsider. If you want real peace get a new woman who is not tied to her mother.

No offence, but suggesting you have a couple of kids to try and fix a failing relationship should be a crime punishable by chemical castration. If you were joking, its not funny and if you were serious, I think you do a very convincing act of portraying an utter moron. Because of course being an honorable TV Member you must be a decent upstanding bloke so this post is just some persona you dreamed up for kicks. either way, please don't suggest that again without thinking through the consequences of doing so and then finding the relationship still doesn't work.

[breathe deeply....1.....2...3....4...."calming thoughts"....."calming thoughts"]

before you blow yourself you may want to reread what i posted in case you do not understand i will say it again, the family will be more willing to accept the relationship but he will still be an outsider. oh on second thought go ahead and blow i'll start the count for you 5,4,3,2,

[Loz]

Thanks, Buddy

But trust me: If I could blow myself, I would never turn the internet on again in my life

On a serious note. I guess you mean you were not advocating it, which is music to my ears. :jap:

[maccaroni man]

Thanks, Buddy

But trust me: If I could blow myself, I would never turn the internet on again in my life

On a serious note. I guess you mean you were not advocating it, which is music to my ears. :jap:

cheers :jap:

[JurgenG]

Why can't OP just sit in the corner and not mix? Why doesn't he give us some examples of what his in-laws don't like about him or want from him? What if OP was deaf and did not speak? Are all deaf Thai people castigated from Thai society because of their inability to properly communicate? Of course not.

If I had to make a random guess, the family probably wants money and OP is in denial and does not want to let that piece of the puzzle slip.

99/100 times when I read this story on Thai Visa it's about money.

i think the op stated that he met one woman abroad and she is a different person now that she is in her home country, imo this is not too difficult to take at face value. as others have posted she is now on her home turff and you are no longer the guru she depended on when you were abroad. I think your suggestion to move to a a different country is sound advice but the the real catch is that she is home near her mother and Thais really have a thing for their mothers which is a big can of worms, if you love her and she loves you she will deal with them looking at you as an outsider, if you love her deal with being an outsider as this will never change. Have a couple of kids and they will accept the situation more then now but you will still be an outsider. If you want real peace get a new woman who is not tied to her mother.

Just want to make two points very clear :

- Abroad I wasn't the "guru", we were equals. Our relation is based on this premise

- Her family doesn't need my money, they're actually more wealthy than I am, by far !

Actually it seems to be a matter of "who is the boss". Her mother seems to be the "head' of the family. I challenge that, not that I want to be the "boss" but I can't accept she's going to rule my life.

Unfortunately, between I and her mother, I don't think my gf is ready to challenge the family tradition.

[TAWP]

Actually it seems to be a matter of "who is the boss". Her mother seems to be the "head' of the family. I challenge that, not that I want to be the "boss" but I can't accept she's going to rule my life.

How did you challenge it?

I doubt it is a matter of doing the Wai of the correct height, so she must have told you two some 'advice' that you were expected to follow? Financial or other kind?