A Sanuk Solution to the Pat-down Problem

By S. Tsow

Recently there was a big fuss in the United States over excessively aggressive airport security pat-down procedures. Nowadays all passengers have to go through a full-body X-ray scanner at some American airports. If they refuse, they're offered the option of a rigorous manual pat-down by a security official of the same gender. If they refuse even that, they don't get on the plane.

This sad situation highlights one of the great shortcomings of the U.S. government and all its agencies. They have no imagination, no sense of fun. This makes them guilty of the greatest sin in the Thai lexicon. They are too serious (usually pronounced “seriot” in Thailand).

In this case, they have turned airport security procedures from a fun experience that might be approached with joy and laughter into a grim ordeal evoking anxiety, dread, and shame.

A San Diego software engineer named John Tyner gained fame on the Internet by opting for the pat-down and warning the inspecting official not to touch his “junk.” As an old dude, I am out of touch with the latest slang, but this demeaning term appears to refer to certain delicate organs in the nether regions of the male anatomy that used to be referred to by a quaint euphemism: “the family jewels.”

Tyner wasn't allowed to board the plane. He was detained and threatened with a civil suit and a $10,000 fine if he left the security area, but he left anyway. Feisty fellows, these software engineers.

Such ugly confrontations could easily be avoided if the U.S. government possessed the imagination to employ beautiful young women to pat down male passengers, and handsome young men to pat down the female ones. No man worthy of the name would object to having his “junk” touched by a demure lady official who looked like Jessica Alba, Denise Richards, or Angelina Jolie. Nor would most women object to being patted down by a stud-muffin resembling Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, or George Clooney.

Here's where Thailand can make a great contribution to airport security, and I've devised a plan to do it. Our massage industry is famous throughout the world for providing a pleasurable experience in the Thai spirit of sanuk (fun). It can easily rescue the current crude security measures from the ignominy into which they have sunk. The Tsow Sanuk Security Plan offers passengers a choice of three options: a full-body X-ray scan, a conventional manual pat-down,…or the Thai Experience.

The security area will contain the usual X-ray facilities and a lineup of beefy pat-down officials, scowling pugnaciously and wearing rubber gloves as they prepare to assault their victims. But just beyond this Orwellian horror, the walls will be lined with attractively decorated massage cubicles. Upon refusing the full-body X-ray and conventional pat-down, the recalcitrant male passenger will be ushered into a chamber, chastely veiled from outside observation, where a radiantly beautiful Thai masseuse will greet him with a graceful wai and a shy “Sawatdee kha!”

Gently undressing him and murmuring soothing reassurances, she will bid him lie down on a table. Once he is relaxed and comfortable, she will apply fragrant oils and give him a full-body massage. As she works, an aide will surreptitiously go through his clothes and underwear to make sure they contain no explosive materials. Sweet music will waft in the background to enhance the ambiance, and the fragrance of jasmine and hibiscus blossoms will pervade the air.

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-- Pattaya One 2011-01-29

Sadly, no decent looking woman would do the job. It has to go to the ugly, fat, buffarillas who can only get a man if he is blind. Oh, and you have to be a peodaphile or a sexual pervert to do the job also.

Just an observation and yes, I am an American and proud that the only ones who touch my junk live here in Thailand.

Edited January 29, 201115 yr by puyaidon

http://www.dilbert.com/fast

The female security guards at Carrefour have to 'pat-down' members of staff leaving the store, they do this without touching them at all

Edited January 30, 201115 yr by phaethon