Should I Tell Her I Had A Vasectomy?

[meom]

^

With a replies/view density of about 8% it's a pretty good thread with plenty of participation so why close it?

I see no reason to. I learn things every day from reading Thai Visa.

Yes me too.

"In these instances, a completely non invasive and painless solution can be used by simply centrifuging the semen and concentrating the remaining sperm. This concentrated sperm can then be used just as if it had been extracted."

I never knew about this centrifuging of semen and putting myself in the shoes of a sperm cell that tries to swim as fast as he can to the egg I can’t really imagine how they would pull this off after been spin around in a centrifuge at 3000 rpm. Makes you wonder how they find their sense of direction.

[petercr]

I think you should tell her irrespective of your long term intentions. Maybe she is hopeful of having children in the future so it's unreasonable to leave her in the dark. If the option of having children is essential to her long term plans she deserves to know your status now.

I went through a reversal myself and would have to say that the procedure was far less painful than the vascectomy

[GreenSnapper]

You are just at the beginning of a relationship.

Do you ever think a woman who cannot give birth for whatever reason, would ever tell you that? Most probably she would keep it a secret until before or even after marriage.

So don't listen to all the white knights here. Be a man.

First, have sex of course. It cannot be called a "relationship" if that has not happened yet. She is a friend, nothing else. Never discuss future with a woman without any previous sex.

If she wants to discuss the future, you tell her that it is too early and you will discuss that a year later when you both know each other better.

Your vasectomy is your private thing and you discuss this only if she is a close longterm partner.

[kerryk]

I think you should tell her irrespective of your long term intentions. Maybe she is hopeful of having children in the future so it's unreasonable to leave her in the dark. If the option of having children is essential to her long term plans she deserves to know your status now.

I went through a reversal myself and would have to say that the procedure was far less painful than the vascectomy

Why should I tell her unless she brings up the subject of children? If she wants children it is incumbent on her to tell me. It takes two. It should have the consent of two.

[seriouseats]

If you think she is a good woman with a good secure job that you enjoy spending time with..

At worse you can always make a deal with her.. Your sperm, but you only remain friends with her(sex or no sex thats up to both of you) and an uncle to the kid. You get to have fun with the kid when he's older, without having to deal with the bad parts/raise someone.

That would be a nice gesture from you and wouldnt change your life that much.

[Chonburiram]

I would have this down as a troll post if the OP had not been around for 6 years.

kerryk = mark45y = kerryk,

one of the TV - tolerated/created longtime trolls .

Sometimes funny; mostly insulting our intelligence .

Edited June 29, 2011 by Chonburiram

[sbk]

Thats a rather specious argument. There is a big difference between a vasectomy and "slow swimmers" and you are, I should think, well aware of that.

IF you want to get serious enough with this woman to marry her then you will need to tell her. If you have NO intention of getting serious then you shouldn't already be talking marriage and a vasectomy wouldn't really matter.

I really don't understand why that isn't obvious here.

If she was in her 20's or 30's I already would have told her. Realistically she has had 25 years to have a baby and get married. If she hasn't done it in 25 years how important can it be to her?

Another specious argument put forth to validate your own desire to not be honest.

What woman would ask a man if he has a vasectomy? None,I would think as it wouldn't even cross their minds.

Personally, I agree with miggie here, you seem to have no reason for this thread other than to what? offer you some kind of weird validation? I have no idea.

[scottyd]

It depends really, if you are just hanging out with each other for company, then you don't need to mention it.

If however she wants to progress the relationship then it is probably best if you mention it, or atleast ask the question if she wants children or not and gauge it from there.

[Thongkorn]

My mate did the same, He was with the girl of his dreams , for three years, They where talking about getting married, Until he told her , The result was she left him because she said why did you not tell me, And said you deceived me so what else have you not told , It was sad , She left and he never saw her again , Whats not important to you maybe to her,

[californiabeachboy]

I can't help wonder what the responses of those saying "Don't tell her" would be if this topic was "I'm a post op ladyboy and so can't have children; should I tell him?"

As my friends down under say, "spot on"

[bifftastic]

Thats a rather specious argument. There is a big difference between a vasectomy and "slow swimmers" and you are, I should think, well aware of that.

IF you want to get serious enough with this woman to marry her then you will need to tell her. If you have NO intention of getting serious then you shouldn't already be talking marriage and a vasectomy wouldn't really matter.

I really don't understand why that isn't obvious here.

If she was in her 20's or 30's I already would have told her. Realistically she has had 25 years to have a baby and get married. If she hasn't done it in 25 years how important can it be to her?

Hi, I don't really see all the arguments you've put forward so far for your dishonesty holding any water.

Maybe you'll say 'i'm not being dishonest, i'm just not mentioning something' but if you want a serious relationship with someone and you start out by 'not mentioning' something as potentially important as this, I don't think it will be well received.

When I first met my girlfriend, now wife, she told me pretty much straight away that she was unable to have any more children. It wasn't a big deal, but it would have been if she had waited to tell me!

If you start this relationship with things you're not going to mention, in my opinion you're just asking for it to fail.

There are absolutely no good reasons at all not to tell her. Start by saying that you don't want any more children. It's true, why leave it out?

Man up!

[kerryk]

I have learned a lot during this thread and changed my mind about telling the lady during this thread as a result of our discussions. I think that's a good thing. I have however decided not to volunteer the information out of the blue. Our ages 65 and 40 seem to me to indicate childrearing is not an important issue for discussion. But I would imagine at some time in the future she will bring up the issue and when she does I will inform her that I had a vasectomy.

The only circumstance that she would not know is if she never brings up children.

Has anyone ever met a woman and discussed marriage without the lady discussing children?

[mikecwm]

Should I tell her I had a vasectomy?

She is 40, decent job, never been married no children.

I'm surprised you would even need to ask the question.

Of course you tell her - as soon as possible.

I've been through this exact situation with my Thai wife.

We started writing by email after being introduced by an old friend who is married to her sister.

In that very first email I told her I could no longer produce children - after 2 vasectomies (with a reversal in between - and no, it is not painful unless you go rock climbing a few days after the operation and start pulling stitches out - silly me).

I was lucky. She told me she had never wanted kids. Still doesn't after being married to me for almost 6 years. I think she must have had a hard time with kids in a previous life.

But - if she is at all interested in having kids - she should have the chance to choose, not have you choose for her without telling her.

And 40 is not too old now - lots of women have them upto their mid 40s.

Give her a break. Maybe she won't want a kid - but be honest with her.

[kerryk]

Should I tell her I had a vasectomy?

She is 40, decent job, never been married no children.

I'm surprised you would even need to ask the question.

Of course you tell her - as soon as possible.

I've been through this exact situation with my Thai wife.

We started writing by email after being introduced by an old friend who is married to her sister.

In that very first email I told her I could no longer produce children - after 2 vasectomies (with a reversal in between - and no, it is not painful unless you go rock climbing a few days after the operation and start pulling stitches out - silly me).

I was lucky. She told me she had never wanted kids. Still doesn't after being married to me for almost 6 years. I think she must have had a hard time with kids in a previous life.

But - if she is at all interested in having kids - she should have the chance to choose, not have you choose for her without telling her.

And 40 is not too old now - lots of women have them upto their mid 40s.

Give her a break. Maybe she won't want a kid - but be honest with her.

I hear what you are saying. It is the honorable thing to do. If a woman wants children the honorable thing for her to do is to discuss it with the intended father and not spring it on him as a surprise. Life is a two way street. If she tells me she wants children we can discuss the alternatives. I have learned having a vasectomy is not the end to having children.

[sbk]

And the honorable thing for you to do is to tell her. Most Thais equate marriage with children and the fact that you do not understand this makes me wonder how well you really know this woman. If you are unwilling to be straight with her and instead want to play this game of "she should ask" or "she should volunteer the info" then you need to take a good hard look at 1. the relationship and 2. yourself. Why don't these rules apply to you too?

[rgs2001uk]

I would have this down as a troll post if the OP had not been around for 6 years.

kerryk = mark45y = kerryk,

one of the TV - tolerated/created longtime trolls .

Sometimes funny; mostly insulting our intelligence .

Thanks, thats the name, just couldnt remember it.

Walter Mitty more like, just the other week he was dating some 50+ year old policewoman.

[bifftastic]

I have learned a lot during this thread and changed my mind about telling the lady during this thread as a result of our discussions. I think that's a good thing. I have however decided not to volunteer the information out of the blue. Our ages 65 and 40 seem to me to indicate childrearing is not an important issue for discussion. But I would imagine at some time in the future she will bring up the issue and when she does I will inform her that I had a vasectomy.

The only circumstance that she would not know is if she never brings up children.

Has anyone ever met a woman and discussed marriage without the lady discussing children?

So, you've changed your mind about not telling her but you're not going to tell her?

In answer to your last question, I've never met a woman and discussed anything, at all, without the subject of children coming up. Especially in Thailand, it's usually the question right after 'so, how much money do you make?' Ah, one exception to that, my friend in Bangkok, guess that's why she's my friend!

[MiG16]

The fact you started this thread means you have thought about the issue (to have or not to have children)

She may not have thought that far yet - given your relationship is relatively new.

But when you have thought about it, are entertaining the idea of exploring something long term - then why withhold info/ decision / a stand you already have on an issue that forms a part of relationship?

Eg. If I believe in polygamy. But somehow my potential BF has never asked me' the question - should I volunteer it or wait for him to maybe one day ask? Hmmmm

[PingManDan]

If you care about her i think you should tell her as soon as possible. If this is a deal breaker it will save you a lot of pain. If y'all are just playing then i see no reason to say anything. This is just my opinion

I would let her know, if she wants to leave, then you know kids were more important then your wallet :jap:

[7by7]

If a woman wants children the honorable thing for her to do is to discuss it with the intended father and not spring it on him as a surprise. Life is a two way street. If she tells me she wants children we can discuss the alternatives.

If a man cannot father a child the honourable thing for him to do is tell his prospective spouse as soon as possible and not spring it on her as a surprise when she brings the subjest up after the marriage!

Usually the unspoken assumption when a couple marry is that having children is an option; not just in Thailand but worldwide.

She may not want children. But for you to marry her and then wait for her to bring the subject up is the the complete opposite of honourable.

[peanut]

I am surprised no one has mentioned the possible positive benefits of telling her.

If I was in a relationship and the guy told me "I had a vasectomy", my reaction would be:

"No need for condoms!!! No need for pills!!! No need to worry!!! YIIIIPPPPIIIIIEEEE!!! Thank you for not leaving the burden of contraception only on us women"

[maccaroni man]

I am surprised no one has mentioned the possible positive benefits of telling her.

If I was in a relationship and the guy told me "I had a vasectomy", my reaction would be:

"No need for condoms!!! No need for pills!!! No need to worry!!! YIIIIPPPPIIIIIEEEE!!! Thank you for not leaving the burden of contraception only on us women"

jumped in late on this but, if he tells her and she continues to use birth control what should he think?

[kerryk]

I am surprised no one has mentioned the possible positive benefits of telling her.

If I was in a relationship and the guy told me "I had a vasectomy", my reaction would be:

"No need for condoms!!! No need for pills!!! No need to worry!!! YIIIIPPPPIIIIIEEEE!!! Thank you for not leaving the burden of contraception only on us women"

It is a double edged sword. I have had to sit through a couple of lectures by a Thai doctor explaining to me how my GF got an STD from other sources than another man. It is a good thing I am a tolerant person.

[GreenSnapper]

I am surprised no one has mentioned the possible positive benefits of telling her.

If I was in a relationship and the guy told me "I had a vasectomy", my reaction would be:

"No need for condoms!!! No need for pills!!! No need to worry!!! YIIIIPPPPIIIIIEEEE!!! Thank you for not leaving the burden of contraception only on us women"

What burden do you have if he is wearing a condom?

[peanut]

I am surprised no one has mentioned the possible positive benefits of telling her.

If I was in a relationship and the guy told me "I had a vasectomy", my reaction would be:

"No need for condoms!!! No need for pills!!! No need to worry!!! YIIIIPPPPIIIIIEEEE!!! Thank you for not leaving the burden of contraception only on us women"

What burden do you have if he is wearing a condom?

Just makes it a bit less pleasurable. Plus you have to remember to buy them

[StreetCowboy]

Talking's for jessies.

SC

Send her a txt.

[andrewbkk]

Thats a rather specious argument. There is a big difference between a vasectomy and "slow swimmers" and you are, I should think, well aware of that.

IF you want to get serious enough with this woman to marry her then you will need to tell her. If you have NO intention of getting serious then you shouldn't already be talking marriage and a vasectomy wouldn't really matter.

I really don't understand why that isn't obvious here.

If she was in her 20's or 30's I already would have told her. Realistically she has had 25 years to have a baby and get married. If she hasn't done it in 25 years how important can it be to her?

So she's 40, single and childless.

Why don't you just go and get a girlfriend? I don't get it.

I too have met these childless late thirty-somethings. They are childless for a reason.

[SGD]

I thought they had talked about a potential marriage, not kids. I think she will realise she is too old and probably believe her time has passed naturally. I might raise it if contraception comes up in conversation as you do not need any from a pregnancy standpoint. Really though, I would say nothing now. If she intends to trap the OP then she will be surely disappointed. If she does not intend to trap him, then she will be happy not getting pregnant.

Sex is for fun, marriage does not come into it.

[rocketmanbkk]

Why would you want to be asking people you don't know what to do about a personal situation? Do you not have any friends you can ask and discuss with or maybe discuss with your 40yo gf.

sheesh, some people.

[Johnniey]

Quite honorable if you have lived with her for over 2 years with no sex.

I can't see the point of marriage if there are no kids.

Dishonesty is also withholding the truth, which is rather dishonorable.

I find it hard to believe that two people talking about marriage and living together for over 2 years have never discussed children.

Another thing, why get tested for STD and then not have sex.

Something fishy here.

Edited July 2, 2011 by Johnniey