Getting Married.

[Griffin]

After some time apart I have decided to pop the question to my long term girlfriend. I was hoping for some practical advice on how it's done here in Thailand.

As an atheist I would like to keep the religious stuff to a minimum. Not sure how my devout Bhuddist girlfriend will feel about that but I'll meet her half way.

What is the story with dowrys? She told me how much her brother handed over and I was taken aback.

I'll be thankful for any words of wisdom.

[baht&sold]

Welcome Griffin. There's been alot of good discussion on this. One of the better one's imho can be found here:

http://www.thaivisa.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=33191

Good luck and best wishes to you both

[Thai Chi]

After some time apart I have decided to pop the question to my long term girlfriend. I was hoping for some practical advice on how it's done here in Thailand.

The same as in most countries. Make it a nice setting ie: quite resturant, beach at sunset, waterfall or even a tropical garden. Produce the ring and then ask her in your swettest voice "will you marry me (insert name here)"

As an atheist I would like to keep the religious stuff to a minimum. Not sure how my devout Bhuddist girlfriend will feel about that but I'll meet her half way.

Rather then change your religon, just ask her to meet you half way, and become part Atheist part Buddhist (maybe just for the day of the wedding.)

What is the story with dowrys? She told me how much her brother handed over and I was taken aback.

Even in Thailand, a Brother can not marry His Sister. But if he did, I doubt a Dowry would be paid.

Welcome to Thai Forum Griffin

I'll be thankful for any words of wisdom.

Sh_t, I didnt see that bit Dont worry though, I am sure some real words of wisdom will be forthcomming

[Pudgimelon]

I already posted a bit about my wedding and stuff, so just search my posts and you'll find a nice recap.

The main point you need to understand is that if she comes from a fairly normal, conservative Thai family, it is NOT going to be your wedding.

Thai weddings are all about showcasing the family and the parents. The bride and groom are mere props, set up on display in front of the reception hall. You might as well be a Mickey Mouse statue at Disneyland because your only role is to photographed until your face falls off from smiling too much.

Well, it's not really that bad, but seriously you're going to have to come to terms with the fact that some of the wedding plans will be non-optional, non-negotiable. That's just the price you pay for marrying into this culture. Her family is going to want certain things done, and if you don't want to look like a complete ass, you're going to just have to grin and bear it.

Besides, if Grandma wants monks to come over to the house and chant and pour water on your hands, what's the big deal? It's not like you're going to go to Atheist hel_l for worshipping false pagan gods. It's all in Thai anyway and you don't have to make any solemn oaths binding you to the Buddhist faith, so if her family wants a religious ceremony, just put up with it.

In the long run, you'll gain more points with them by suffering through their ceremonies than you will by standing on principle.

[Morden]

Pudgimelon has it exactly right - the wedding is nothing to do with you but has everything to do with the prestige of your bride and her family. If you want your wife to be happy on her wedding day, let her have what she wants and tip up the sinsod with a smile. If you don't know much about sinsod, find out quickly!

Why do you think that there is a conflict between Buddhism and Atheism? Regard your lady's beliefs as a philosophy rather than a religion and accept that if it's important to her you will go along with it. If her family are Buddhists, there will be no compromise.

Incidentally, if you marry your lady, you will become part of her family just as you would in your own country. You don't seem to know much about their customs and etiquettes and, if not, this would be a good time to start to learn more.

Best Wishes for the future.

[andym528]

Incidentally, if you marry your lady, you will become part of her family just as you would in your own country. You don't seem to know much about their customs and etiquettes and, if not, this would be a good time to start to learn more.

Best Wishes for the future.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

One good reference is Thailand Fever, a very good introduction to Thai girl/Farang man relationships. I also recommend the stickman site:

http://www.stickmanbangkok.com/living.html

There is a ton of great info concentrated in one place on his site.

As to the atheism, everyone is right, it isn't about you. If you want to have any chance of happiness and harmony in the future, for one day let it go. It WILL be a buddhist ceremony. If that level of compromise for you isn't possible, living in Thailand is gonna be tough sledding....

As to sinsod (sin sot) there are NO strict rules. I've heard of everything from $1,000 US to $50,000 US. More often than not it is returned for use by your bride and you for future stuff like buying land in her village or building a house.....

[daleyboy]

[  I also recommend the stickman site:

http://www.stickmanbangkok.com/living.html

There is a ton of great info concentrated in one place on his site.

[TAWP]

One advice of warning: don't pop the question as soon as you meet, just because you have been apart...

More then one guy here has been burnt since the time apart meant something else for one of the partners.

Ross Geller: "We where on a break!"

[daleyboy]

I got married and didnt even know it.

How you may ask, well let me tell you. I went with my good lady to a translation office to have some documents done in preperation to get married, we talked about what we had to do, she told me we could go to the local registery office in Bangkok and sign a few papers then we could get married.

So off we went to this office, sure enough we signed a few papers a bit of money was exchanged(under the table) thought nothing of this, just a way of jumping the queue, sat back down to wait then 10 minutes later the lady comes out and says congratulations you are married. &lt;deleted&gt; happened there? We had no guests, i was in shorts and t shirt the wife was in Jeans and t shirt, no flowers nothing. Ohh well i look back now and laugh about it, my mum and dad werent too happy though to find out i had got married and hadnt even told them.

Edited November 2, 2005 by daleyboy

[mrbojangles]

So off we went to this office, sure enough we signed a few papers a bit of money was exchanged(under the table) thought nothing of this, just a way of jumping the queue, sat back down to wait then 10 minutes later the lady comes out and says congratulations you are married. &lt;deleted&gt; happened there? We had no guests, i was in shorts and t shirt the wife was in Jeans and t shirt, no flowers nothing.

Same here. But we did have a good ceremony in the village later, which was more like it. Also, i hadn't even heard of a sinsod and paid nothing. I only found out about the sinsod on ThaiVisa and when i asked the mrs about it, she said "no need", we marry for love

I'll probably end up paying something in the long run though "mai bpen rai"

[daleyboy]

So off we went to this office, sure enough we signed a few papers a bit of money was exchanged(under the table) thought nothing of this, just a way of jumping the queue, sat back down to wait then 10 minutes later the lady comes out and says congratulations you are married. &lt;deleted&gt; happened there? We had no guests, i was in shorts and t shirt the wife was in Jeans and t shirt, no flowers nothing.

Same here. But we did have a good ceremony in the village later, which was more like it. Also, i hadn't even heard of a sinsod and paid nothing. I only found out about the sinsod on ThaiVisa and when i asked the mrs about it, she said "no need", we marry for love

I'll probably end up paying something in the long run though "mai bpen rai"

Yeah we had the ceremony in the village afterwards, and i didnt pay any money to anyone. The wife and i talked about it, told her i was skint and couldnt pay to marry her so we spoke to the parents and they said dont worry about it, just take good care of out daughter, which i have done for the last 4 years.

I am sure i will pay eventually though, we still send over a bit of cash every couple of months so maybe this is the sinsod, paid by installment, just glad they aint charging me 29% apr, got her on 5 years intrest free credit

[alesypalsy]

I got married and didnt even know it.

How you may ask, well let me tell you. I went with my good lady to a translation office to have some documents done in preperation to get married, we talked about what we had to do, she told me we could go to the local registery office in Bangkok and sign a few papers then we could get married.

So off we went to this office, sure enough we signed a few papers a bit of money was exchanged(under the table) thought nothing of this, just a way of jumping the queue, sat back down to wait then 10 minutes later the lady comes out and says congratulations you are married. &lt;deleted&gt; happened there? We had no guests, i was in shorts and t shirt the wife was in Jeans and t shirt, no flowers nothing. Ohh well i look back now and laugh about it, my mum and dad werent too happy though to find out i had got married and hadnt even told them.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

So off we went to this office, sure enough we signed a few papers a bit of money was exchanged(under the table) thought nothing of this, just a way of jumping the queue, sat back down to wait then 10 minutes later the lady comes out and says congratulations you are married. &lt;deleted&gt; happened there? We had no guests, i was in shorts and t shirt the wife was in Jeans and t shirt, no flowers nothing.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Same here. But we did have a good ceremony in the village later, which was more like it. Also, i hadn't even heard of a sinsod and paid nothing. I only found out about the sinsod on ThaiVisa and when i asked the mrs about it, she said "no need", we marry for love

I'll probably end up paying something in the long run though "mai bpen rai"

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I must say i am very impressed by your story's, You have very good ladies as wifes and i would also marry a lady like these that seem to truly love you. It is a shame that a lot more can not marry for love and leave the finances out of it.

Nice one chaps 10 out of 10 and good luck in the future,

A moved reader

Edited November 2, 2005 by alesypalsy

[daleyboy]

They are out there matey not all women are rip off merchants, this includes Thai women.

[sua yai]

We got married, the Amphur thing, on July 16th. The Buddhist blessing is on Friday 4th. Two days to go.

I agreed 50,000 sin sod with the mother 6 months ago. This is spread over 6 months. The money will go into a separate account for my wife should anything happen to me and she's left with nothing. It's not a lot of money and it really dosn't bother me if its swallowed up and never gets to my wife. As has been posted before, as long as makes everyone happy.

However, a short while ago we were going through the proceedure on Friday and I was astounded to hear that 13 relatives, who I knew would be at the ceremony, were expecting to go out for lunch on me afterwards. I wasn't too impressed and fortunately the situation is now resolved.

We will bring some food to the temple for her Mum who's a Buddhist nun and will perform the ceremony. No monks. She's high enough to do it herself. The sin sod and rings will be presented, prayers etc said and that's it. Her family are happy that the two of us just want a quiet night by ourselves afterwards.

The point of all that to the OP is that the goalposts can change very quickly here, so it's important that everyone understands the marriage agreement in the first instance.

I'm just sticking to mine and no one's too bothered.

Good luck.

[Morden]

We got married, the Amphur thing, on July 16th. The Buddhist blessing is on Friday 4th. Two days to go.

I agreed 50,000 sin sod with the mother 6 months ago. This is spread over 6 months. The money will go into a separate account for my wife should anything happen to me and she's left with nothing. It's not a lot of money and  it really dosn't bother me if its swallowed up and never gets to my wife. As has been posted before, as long as makes everyone happy.

However, a short while ago we were going through the proceedure on Friday and I was astounded to hear that 13 relatives, who I knew would be at the ceremony, were expecting to go out for lunch on me afterwards. I wasn't too impressed and fortunately the situation is now resolved.

We will bring some food to the temple for her Mum who's a Buddhist nun and will perform the ceremony. No monks. She's high enough to do it herself. The sin sod and rings will be presented, prayers etc said and that's it. Her family are happy that the two of us just want a quiet night by ourselves afterwards.

The point of all that to the OP is that the goalposts can change very quickly  here, so it's important that everyone understands the marriage agreement in the first instance.

I'm just sticking to mine and no one's too bothered.

Good luck.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Nice post - and I hope that it all goes well.

Often, I think, there are misunderstandings across the cultural divide that we may initially see as attempts to empty the pockets of farang. I have found that matters can usually be resolved by regarding them as items for us alone to discuss and decide on. We explain to each other our views and preferences, come to agreement and my wife tells everyone else how it's going to be.

[Griffin]

Truly fantastic replies. Thanks.

To throw some more light on the subject. The lady in question and I have been living together for 3 years so there is no good girl/bad girl debate to be had here. I know her family well and have met many times. I am as aware of Thai customs and family values as the next man. I just wanted to ask for a western male view on the subject as I have never been to a wedding in Thailand.

I like the comments by those who have decided with their partner 'what is what' and then stuck by it. That has worked for us several times, for instance, when I have upgraded house hold goods. I have passed on several items at a fraction of the real value. Everybody is happy. Im glad to know that works with weddings.

We have spoke about getting married, but i just wanted to know as much as possible first.

I have read Thai visa for a good while but have never used it as a research tool. I will click and read all the links you have been good enough to supply.

I'll keep you posted.

Thanks