elsie Posted November 17, 2005 Share Posted November 17, 2005 A Scot is the only man on earth who would step over the bodies of a dozen bronzed naked beauties just to get to a glass of whiskey. --------------------------- How do you get a Highlander onto the roof? Tell him the drinks are on the house. --------------------------- A Scotsman visited London for his annual holiday and stayed at a large hotel. However, he didnae feel that the natives were friendly. "At 4 o'clock every morning," he told a friend, "they hammered on my bedroom door, one the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Heck, sometimes they hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes." --------------------------- A Scottish fitba fan told his mate, "My dug watches all the games. When my team wins it jumps up and doon and claps its wee paws. When we lose it somersaults." "Yer Kiddin me right? How many somersaults?" asked his impressed friend. The Fitba fan replied, "depends how often I kick it..." --------------------------- A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part." --------------------------- A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya! A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya! The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run! All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarassment whisper, He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls. After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, Walk with pr-r-ride man! --------------------------- Jamie burst into the house and proudly announced to his father, "I ran home behind the bus and saved ten pence." To which his father replied, "You could have done better son. You could have run home behind a taxi and saved five pounds." --------------------------- Jock McTavish." A Scotsman decided to get married so one morning he sent messages to three of his girlfriends, proposing marriage. Two phoned immediately to say "yes' while the third phoned that night to say the same. He married the third girl saying, "The lass for me is the one who waits for the cheap rates." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elsie Posted November 20, 2005 Author Share Posted November 20, 2005 (edited) EDINBURGH (DWPI) -- Following a wave of Scottish nationalism sparked by the movie "Braveheart", Scotland has overwhelmingly decided to form its own parliament separate from that in London. The new parliament's first act was to declare actor Mel Gibson their new King. A parliamentary spokesman, Lord Theodore MacNugent, is quoted as saying, "The prospects in the current royal family don't look too good and let's face it, Mel looks damm good in a kilt!" Edited November 20, 2005 by LovelyCutie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elsie Posted November 20, 2005 Author Share Posted November 20, 2005 Scottish Delivery In the back woods of Scotland, Ian's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high Ian so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there Ian!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come yet." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor. Then Ian scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovejoy Posted November 20, 2005 Share Posted November 20, 2005 I AM NOT SCOTTISH!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elsie Posted November 20, 2005 Author Share Posted November 20, 2005 I AM NOT SCOTTISH!!!!!! <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Nothing wrong with being Scottish. Why are you ashamed of your country? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovejoy Posted November 20, 2005 Share Posted November 20, 2005 you mexicans are all the same Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elsie Posted November 20, 2005 Author Share Posted November 20, 2005 Another one for you. ---------------- TherA young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall,holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redrus Posted November 20, 2005 Share Posted November 20, 2005 Another one for you.---------------- TherA young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall,holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time." "Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation. "Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?" Like that one....! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elsie Posted November 22, 2005 Author Share Posted November 22, 2005 The Kirkcaldy undertaker sent a telegram to the bereaved man, telling him his mother-in-law had died and asking whether he wanted her embalmed, cremated, or buried. Back came the reply: ‘All three — tak’ nae chances.’ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jockstar Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 Who are these jokes for? I dont know any decent Thai jokes. Will be back.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jockstar Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 Try this link for more Scottish jokes from a previous thread. http://www.thaivisa.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=44833&hl= Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProfessorFart Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 There aren't jokes. They're all true........ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patsycat Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 I'm Scottish and proud of it. But it could rain a little less, and the midges up North could be eradicated...!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elsie Posted November 23, 2005 Author Share Posted November 23, 2005 A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for an extraction. "$85 for an extraction sir" was the dentists reply. "Och! huv ye nay got unythin cheaper", replies the Scotsman getting agitated. "But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir", said the dentist. "What aboot if ye didnae use uny anaesthetic?", asked the Scotsman hopefully. "Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70", said the dentist. "Hmmmm, what aboot if ye used one of ye dentist trainees and still wi' oot anaesthetic", said the Scotsman. "Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism, and it'll be a lot more painful, but I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40", said the dentist. "Och that's still a bit much, how aboot if ye make it a training session and have yon student do the extraction and the other students watchin and learnin", said the Scotsman hopefully. "Hmmmmm, well OK, it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you only $5 in that case", said the dentist. "Wonderful, it's a deal" said the Scotsman ... "Can ye book me wife for next Tuesday? There aren't jokes. They're all true........ <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jockstar Posted November 23, 2005 Share Posted November 23, 2005 Wee Declan-Paul from Royston always wanted to look cool. His friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of trainers to go with his shell suit. He paid a visit to his local chapel where Father Anthony advised him to start saving his money. Declan-Paul saved up all his Giros and all the money he got back from returning his empty bottles of Buckfast, and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit. Proudly, he strutted down the streets of Royston calling out to all the passers by "see ma new gutties? Cool, eh?" One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of gutties but was young Declan-Paul aware that he had a lace undone? Declan-Paul scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace and that on the sole of the trainer there were instructions for the wearer to do such a thing. When asked for proof of this instruction, Declan-Paul took off his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read. "There y'are y F*nny! It clearly says................... .... Taiwan !!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
baht&sold Posted November 23, 2005 Share Posted November 23, 2005 Time to dust off the ol' Sottish sobriety test once again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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