edwinclapham Posted July 19, 2012 Share Posted July 19, 2012 Hi Carry, Reading through your post no. 84, it strikes me how involved personally you were with the preparations of your DH's funeral. I personally find the Asian way of dealing with funerals is far healthier compared to many in the west imo. I have always found undertakers, chapels & churches to be insincere, shallow places whereas in the east funerals appears to have more family and friend participation. The Irish and their wakes probably stand on par if I am going to compare! We also as westerners I find, find it hard to talk about death in general, always afraid of putting your foot in it, yet it is such a natural process in the greater scheme of things apart as in your case when the young go first . I wish we were more open on this subject instead of it being a taboo. Some day I would be interested in reading your thoughts on this. I hope you are bearing up somewhat. Eddie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meme Posted July 22, 2012 Share Posted July 22, 2012 Carry, my deepest sympathies...you sound like a woman of amazing strength. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carry Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 To answer someone's question, me and our daughter are back in Thailand, trying to run my husbands business which is very tough as a foreign woman alone, silly me to think people would maybe cut me some slack. Its a good experience though, learning more in the last month then in my whole life before that! True colors are shown in bad but certainly also in good ways! Help comes from unexpected places and people...very intense. The future is unsure at the moment but being here in the place we were happy for so many years feels like the only place I want to be now. My husband truly put his heart and soul in his bar and I feel like I cant just turn my back on that. Trying to get through every day, some are better then others...I cant shake the thought if he comes back now, our daughter wills till remember him...painful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike123ca Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 (edited) To answer someone's question, me and our daughter are back in Thailand, trying to run my husbands business which is very tough as a foreign woman alone, silly me to think people would maybe cut me some slack. Its a good experience though, learning more in the last month then in my whole life before that! True colors are shown in bad but certainly also in good ways! Help comes from unexpected places and people...very intense. The future is unsure at the moment but being here in the place we were happy for so many years feels like the only place I want to be now. My husband truly put his heart and soul in his bar and I feel like I cant just turn my back on that. Trying to get through every day, some are better then others...I cant shake the thought if he comes back now, our daughter wills till remember him...painful. To answer someone's question, me and our daughter are back in Thailand, trying to run my husbands business which is very tough as a foreign woman alone, silly me to think people would maybe cut me some slack. Its a good experience though, learning more in the last month then in my whole life before that! True colors are shown in bad but certainly also in good ways! Help comes from unexpected places and people...very intense. The future is unsure at the moment but being here in the place we were happy for so many years feels like the only place I want to be now. My husband truly put his heart and soul in his bar and I feel like I cant just turn my back on that. Trying to get through every day, some are better then others...I cant shake the thought if he comes back now, our daughter wills till remember him...painful. Visa's, work permits running a "bar" in a foreign country and a very young child to care for. I don't have any answers for you, but you are trying to carry a very big burden. Talk to your friends and other people for advice. Good luck Edited July 24, 2012 by mike123ca Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loveinbangkok Posted July 25, 2012 Share Posted July 25, 2012 Phuturatica, I am a man and have been living in Thailand for 6 years. I have a lot of female friends and they made a conclusion to me: There is ONLY 1 out of 100 Thai men is good. The rest are selfish, have a lots of gigs, lazy to work, like to spend your money, like to show off, talk non-sense... bla bla bla. If you do have some female Thai friends, you can ask them about Thai men. Even as a man myself, I would rather spend my time with Thai girls rather than having Thai men as friend. My ladies told me some other Asian guys are way better than Thai guys (although most guys are bad) So if your bf is the 1 out of 100, then you are lucky. Otherwise, move on until you met the one. Good luck for u and wish you happy in your love. Here's the icon for you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post sbk Posted July 26, 2012 Popular Post Share Posted July 26, 2012 Thai women often tell men what they want to hear. I have lived in Thailand quite a few years longer than you and your number of 1 out of 100 is grossly incorrect. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
morganl Posted July 26, 2012 Share Posted July 26, 2012 I rarely post but must say I have to agree with SBK. I have been living with my Thai husband for about 8 years and he is a hard working, caring, compassionate human being; as are many of our male and female Thai neighbors. On a side note to Carry, I have thought about you a lot since your post and even though we don't know each other I have been sending you love, hope and strength. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CassieBoo Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 loveinBangkok I would have thought a quick read through this thread would tell you your female friends may not be entirely correct. My husband and his friends work extremely hard, none have gigs, he dotes on my daughter far more than many of my friends western husbands do, has never spent a penny of my money, has supported me through difficult times. The only thing he shows off is his daughter (not his white wife I may add) and I do not think he is unique. It is funny how I see the traits you describe in some Thai girls though....best not to generalise especially as you admit you have no Thai male friends. To cary, my thoughts are with you, I can not imagine what you are going through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carry Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 loveinBangkok I would have thought a quick read through this thread would tell you your female friends may not be entirely correct. My husband and his friends work extremely hard, none have gigs, he dotes on my daughter far more than many of my friends western husbands do, has never spent a penny of my money, has supported me through difficult times. The only thing he shows off is his daughter (not his white wife I may add) and I do not think he is unique. It is funny how I see the traits you describe in some Thai girls though....best not to generalise especially as you admit you have no Thai male friends. To cary, my thoughts are with you, I can not imagine what you are going through. CassieBoo this is exactly a description of what my husband and all his close friends I know of were like... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teacher17 Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 1 in 100 Thai men are bad huh? Where's your scientific proof on this? haha Anyway, I have grown not to care what other people think. Many Thai men I know work hard and don't have gigs...and some I know do have them. What I've found is that it's mostly the OLDER men who have gigs or mia noi's....but that's just from my observation. Anyway, Carry, I don't know you...but I am truly sorry. I know it doesn't change things for you...but just know that I am sending good wishes your way for you and your daughter. It's true that you don't realize what you have until it's gone...I can't even imagine losing the one I love. I hope happiness finds its way to you in this tough time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
harrry Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 Carry Best wishes for the future. Things will slowly get better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nadinefaye Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 Carry what you have been through have struck me very deeply. you have been incredibly brave and strong woman and i wish you much strength in times to come. as i am always in a long distance relationship, and very seldom get to meet with my bf (once every 4 months) due to him working very hard in the farms and i have my own work here and can't leave. At this point in time i am still unable to move to thailand for a job. i tried a short stint of working in thailand (posted from my office to thailand subsidiary) for about 1 month, although enjoyed it but getting a permanent job may be a different story. also, tried applying a couple of jobs but no news yet. I am not exactly young at 33. not rushing to get married but always worried about not seeing him enough or be around him, or him around me when in danger. still trying very hard to work it out. but as for now, whenever we are together, the happiness are just plentiful and definitely we are working very hard towards our future. one thing i seldom logged on to thaivisa is all the thai men/women bashing from the foreign men. if you are so mad at this place and its people, why bother to stay put in thailand? i have personally come to know a number of friendly and hardworking thai people be it in the office professionals, or working class or villagers. everyone has their purpose in life, different jobs, different roles to play. and different personalities. the little money that most of the village people have to work so hard for in the farms. my bf's family and relatives all works in the farms during the day and at night vendor food at the nightmarket. to me, they are definitely not lazy. most of the views on thai people i can google are skewed because of this bunch of thai-bashers. i truly appreciate this thread and sharing that brings us more refreshing and balanced viewpoints. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carry Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 Well I am surprised by the reaction of my husbands family, they are fairly well off, got lots of land and good jobs. But now my husband died, they took everything from our house and cashed his insurance money and even took our car. The land that was in my husbands name can not be transferred to our daughter due to some problems with the papers... It's not that I want money over my dead husbands body but all I have left is his business and even that is not in my name. Frankly the family dont care how I can feed my daughter, let alone pay for bills that are piling up from even before he was dead. One of the reason I choose to stay in Thailand is so my daughter gets to see her Thai family but I seriously start to wonder.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike123ca Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 Well I am surprised by the reaction of my husbands family, they are fairly well off, got lots of land and good jobs. But now my husband died, they took everything from our house and cashed his insurance money and even took our car. The land that was in my husbands name can not be transferred to our daughter due to some problems with the papers... It's not that I want money over my dead husbands body but all I have left is his business and even that is not in my name. Frankly the family dont care how I can feed my daughter, let alone pay for bills that are piling up from even before he was dead. One of the reason I choose to stay in Thailand is so my daughter gets to see her Thai family but I seriously start to wonder.... Well I am surprised by the reaction of my husbands family, they are fairly well off, got lots of land and good jobs. But now my husband died, they took everything from our house and cashed his insurance money and even took our car. The land that was in my husbands name can not be transferred to our daughter due to some problems with the papers... It's not that I want money over my dead husbands body but all I have left is his business and even that is not in my name. Frankly the family dont care how I can feed my daughter, let alone pay for bills that are piling up from even before he was dead. One of the reason I choose to stay in Thailand is so my daughter gets to see her Thai family but I seriously start to wonder.... Did your husband have a "will" this would have made the division of property very straight forward. If there is no "will" you as the wife get 1/2 the assets. Then the Children get something followed by the rest of the family. Funny how they( his family) can receive the land but not your Thai children. I would call up a lawyer and get the insurance money back and get the land in the names of the children. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carry Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 working on it and im sure in the end we will be ok, its just the whole attitude but maybe i was naive.. Got a phone call form his sister the other day saying that if I needed a nanny, I could send her over and they would only charge me 15.000 baht a month not including milk and diapers...I have ' known' these people for 7 years....and its not how nice they are to me or how willing to share but to shamelessly ask to be paid to take care of your dead brothers baby, woah. And of course not even if they would want to take care out of sheer love would I abandon my baby but that aside. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eek Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 SHOCKING Carry!!!!! Utterly shocking!! Its appalling that they would put you in such a situation. What on earth! However, emotional aspect aside, i really hope you get some practical and legal advice on this. Im sorry that i can not help with any advice personally, but maybe the guys in the marriage and divorce section or the Family and Children section could? At least they could point you in the right direction maybe, if you are not sure where to go from here. This REALLY should not be happening to you!!!!!!! PLEASE keep us updated, if you dont mind. I do not know you, but i really feel for you and your situation. Would appreciate knowing how you get on. If there is any way at all any of us can help find out information for you please let us know..otherwise please know you have emotional support here, even if we do not know each other. After reading about your husbands family, i honestly feel like lambasting them for their actions. Utterly despicable!!!!!!! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TommoPhysicist Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 one thing i seldom logged on to thaivisa is all the thai men/women bashing from the foreign men. if you are so mad at this place and its people, why bother to stay put in thailand? the little money that most of the village people have to work so hard for in the farms. my bf's family and relatives all works in the farms during the day and at night vendor food at the nightmarket. to me, they are definitely not lazy. most of the views on thai people i can google are skewed because of this bunch of thai-bashers. And yet the shocking posts from poor Carrie suggest ................ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brit1984 Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 one thing i seldom logged on to thaivisa is all the thai men/women bashing from the foreign men. if you are so mad at this place and its people, why bother to stay put in thailand? the little money that most of the village people have to work so hard for in the farms. my bf's family and relatives all works in the farms during the day and at night vendor food at the nightmarket. to me, they are definitely not lazy. most of the views on thai people i can google are skewed because of this bunch of thai-bashers. And yet the shocking posts from poor Carrie suggest ................ Observation of a sample size of one doesn't bear enough statistical significance to judge a population of millions. To try to use Carrie's story to prove a point in such an irrelevant argument is illogical and in bad-taste. Please give it a rest. @ Carrie: leaving aside the above, I think it is sensible to keep the forum updated. Some members (not me) have an excellent knowledge on Thai law and more generally I think you can benefit from an outsider's perspective on this issue. Sent from iPhone; please forgive any typos or violations of forum rules 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbk Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 Carry, your inlaws sound awful, I am so sorry, but also they are totally wrong. Thai law is quite clear when someone dies without a will that the spouse gets a certain amount as do the children, after them comes parents and siblings. Were you legally married I guess is the key issue and if not, was your daughter recognized as legally his at the amphur? Thailand's laws require that if the parents aren't married then the father must register himself as the father at the amphur. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike123ca Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 If she doesn't have a "will" in her possession, any will from his family will not likely benefit her. The family is mostly likely calling immigration to cancel her visa and ask her to leave. 15,000k a month to look after the child. I hire men to build houses and buildings. The work is hot and dirty and they only make between 200 to 300 baht a day. At 500 baht, they are just being rude. Get yourself a visa for visiting Thai family...good for 60 days. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edwinclapham Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 SHOCKING Carry!!!!! Utterly shocking!! Its appalling that they would put you in such a situation. What on earth! However, emotional aspect aside, i really hope you get some practical and legal advice on this. Im sorry that i can not help with any advice personally, but maybe the guys in the marriage and divorce section or the Family and Children section could? At least they could point you in the right direction maybe, if you are not sure where to go from here. This REALLY should not be happening to you!!!!!!! PLEASE keep us updated, if you dont mind. I do not know you, but i really feel for you and your situation. Would appreciate knowing how you get on. If there is any way at all any of us can help find out information for you please let us know..otherwise please know you have emotional support here, even if we do not know each other. After reading about your husbands family, i honestly feel like lambasting them for their actions. Utterly despicable!!!!!!! I share Eek's sentiments entirely Carry! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbk Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 If she doesn't have a "will" in her possession, any will from his family will not likely benefit her. The family is mostly likely calling immigration to cancel her visa and ask her to leave. 15,000k a month to look after the child. I hire men to build houses and buildings. The work is hot and dirty and they only make between 200 to 300 baht a day. At 500 baht, they are just being rude. Get yourself a visa for visiting Thai family...good for 60 days. I am sorry Mike but Thai law is very clear, if she is his legal spouse and there is no will the division of assets is very specific and any assets in his name will need to be divided as per the Family Court and his family really has no say in the matter. If I were Carry I would be filing at Family Court tomorrow. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike123ca Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 If she is the spouse and their is a will, then his assets will be divided up according to the document. If there is no written will but she is legally married to him, then the following Where a person dies without having made a valid will (Intestacy) If a person dies without having made a valid will, or if the will only disposes of part of their estate, then the property is distributed in the following ways: There are six classes of statutory heirs. These are mutually exclusive, and entitlement applies in descending order: Children Parents Brothers and sisters Half-brothers and sisters Grandparents Uncles and aunts Where a spouse survives: If the deceased leaves a spouse and children, then the spouse takes 50 percent and the children take 50 percent in equal shares. If the deceased dies leaving a spouse and parents, then the spouse takes 50 percent and parents take 50 percent in equal shares. If the deceased dies leaving a spouse and siblings of the whole blood, then the spouse takes 50 percent and the siblings take 50 percent in equal shares. If the deceased dies leaving a spouse and heirs in classes, 4,5 or 6 above, then the spouse takes two thirds of the estate and the statutory heirs in the class entitled take one third in equal shares. If there are no statutory heirs in existence, the surviving spouse takes the whole estate. If no will exists, She should get 50% of his estate and his children should get the other 50%. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carry Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 (edited) Yes thats the problem, we did not yet put our marriage papers in Thai, only married in Holland, also our baby is born in the Netherlands, at the time I fought in court for 7 months to get him a tourist visa to be present before the birth but they wouldnt give it until a day before I delivered so he was too late and his name is not on the certificate, we learned that getting married was the "easiest" way to get him involved on her papers... We were supposed to do all of that july 2nd but he died on june 20th.... So I am not entitled to anything nor is his daughter...and thats what his family spelled out very clearly, too bad he didnt arrange it all better for you. We'll be ok, I won have the illusion I will ever get them to give me anything but Im just shocked they dont care at all or so it seems about his daughter, when we were there at the funeral they were full of stories, how they would sell his land and put the money in a bank account for her, our car was gonna be sold but I learned that a nephew is driving it for fun. They took all his clothes all his personal belongings, even the instant coffee that was in our kitchen, I didnt know this until I got back to our home after the funeral. They lied about who had taken cash money that was found in our house [they took it] and let me believe that the landlord would give it back to me upon arrival. They had their lawyer, close our business for a while and I only managed to get that straightened out because of some connections with the landlord, also money that was collected after his passing and held by the landlord wasnt given to me because their lawyer had told him not to do so. and so on and so on...It's a side of Thailand I had never personally experienced and I am shocked to find out this is how it goes down. Whats left is our business and I hope I will manage to keep it in memory of my husband and because our life is here and has been for the last 7 years and as of now it is my only income. Edited July 31, 2012 by Carry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike123ca Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 You were legally married. Now go and get a lawyer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GrahamF Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 Carry, I am deeply sorry for your loss and saddened by how your husbands family is treating you and your child. I honestly don't know if a marriage in a foreign country would be recognised in Thailand, but I think it would be wise to seek some sort of legal counsel about this. I do know that there is a legal firm that answers 2-3 questions at the end of each Stickman weekly column, they may even be a sponsor here, Stickman may not be your cup of tea, but at least you might get some free advice. Again, my deepest condolences on your loss and my best wishes for a wonderful future for you and your child. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eek Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 I really do hope there is some recompense for you in this. I really hope you are getting some good advice. Of course, NOTHING will ever recompense for the emotional side of things. How a family can snatch the rug from under your feet is vile. I wonder if after some time has passed, and you get all the legalities sorted (of what is possible), you should consider writing about this family. Either indirectly or directly naming and shaming. If they have some recognition locally or otherwise, your story should have them losing face. So would be a kick in the teeth for them. Unless of course you are thinking they will help your daughter out in the future...then it might not be a good idea. Just personally like the idea of this family being shamed for their behaviour. WOnder if there is an indirect way? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eek Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 Sorry Carry, maybe the last thing you need to hear is a suggestion of naming and shaming. You have already been through so much emotional turmoil. I just feel a lot of anger at such callousness. Really hope something can be sorted out legally. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbk Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 Of course a foreign marriage is legally recognized in Thailand - how else do people get visas based on marriage to a thai spouse with copies of their foreign marriage certificates. You are legally married in Thailand if you are legally married in Holland and as such entitled to half of his estate. Get your marriage license translated and certified at the MFA and go to the Family courts and stop the family now. And tell them that, they are bullying you in a seriously disgusting way. Are you friends with the local puyaiban? If so, talk to him and see if he can help stop this. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eek Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 ^ Good to read that. Good luck Carry!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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