Dilemma Over New Relationship

[btman]

I'm sorry if this is in the wrong forum, but I couldn't seem to find another more relevant. Also apologise for the possible obvious answer to this, but nevertheless could use a bit of help seeing through it.

I've recently commenced a new relationship during a stay in Singapore. All we've had together is a few days of texting and e-mailing, then finally a date, culminating in my return to the airport and back home here. We've had no physical contact but we seem to be great together, as far as can be determined at this early stage. There has been some talk between us of taking our relationship further. She writes to me a lot saying how she'd like to.

This lady is employed in a good job and that's how I met her - as a visitor to the organisation. She's very small and cute and attracts men easily I would think. Her family is Malaysian Singaporean on one side and Indonesian Singaporean on the other. Her father is a manual worker, but she is polytechnic educated and has had two fairly good jobs. She tells me that she lives with her parents.

I can't seem to be able to make up my mind if the following are problem signs or not, but after we first met and loosely agreed to have a date the next day, it then took several more days before she was actually free. It was odd that whilst we continued to exchange text messages in abundance during the day, she didn't have time to meet with me, not even for lunch.

However, I began to wonder what she was doing during the many evenings after we'd agreed to have date and also why she sometimes went for long periods without replying to me. So one evening I texted her with a read-receipt function and as a result, a confirmation message was shown, indicating presumably that her phone was in receipt of the message. Despite this, she didn't respond for some hours, but when she did, she claimed her battery had died. This reminded me of past relationships in Thailand, where this claim and similar lies were the norm.

But in addition to this, one evening I received an e-mail from her, which happened to have a kind a signature line or 'saying' at the bottom. It was highlighted in colour, with the words '--:NEMO ME IMPUNE LACESSIT:--'. This is Latin for No one attacks me with impunity and it's the motto of three of the Scottish regiments of the British Army.

I mailed her back to say I didn't understand it and she replied "Oh, that closing line I should have edited out from my context. You shouldn't be bothered with that". I noticed that she e-mails me from two different mobile phones - they show the name in a different form.

Now, this is a new relationship. We got very close but nothing more. She's had moments of being seemingly extremely devoted to me, and frankly, this is what has given me the idea that a future together is possible. I don't necessarily expect much commitment at this stage, but I wonder if she's already in a relationship, and if so, why is she interested in having one with me. Singaporeans are presumably not normally interested in foreigners' money, as they often are in Thailand. She also has paid for various things and money does not seem to be a factor in the relationship. However, she is very keen to get away from the parents' house and the room which she's forced to share with her sister.

Please, some helpful advice if you can, because I'm thinking this is still new and frankly she doesn't owe my much in terms of commitment at this stage, although she's indicated she wants to be with me. I'm tired of lies in relationships having been in Thai relationships in the past and was expecting something different in this case. There's not a lot of difference in our ages, if that makes any difference. We're both 30-something.

[Mario2008]

1 comment deleted. We do try to be supportive of each other, especially in this part of the forum.

[chubbychops]

I do believe that if you read between your own lines the anwer is there. Sounds like this girl is manipulative and you already know that by what you say. OF COURSE money comes into play, are you wearing rose coloured glasses? Time will also show you if your hunches are correct or not, in the meantime enjoy life and don't get hung up on this 'special' girl. She sounds about as real as a three dollar bill.

[sbk]

This isnt really family or children related. Moving to General

[tolstoy]

Do you usually put so much pressure on a woman that you just met to give up her life and devote everything to you? You are too needy and demanding. Give the girl a break.

First of all, she works. She has a life. Yes, she probably dates other people. It isn't uncommon to have a social life with friends. Do you really have to be the only foreinger that she knows? She lives at home so she has family demands on her. No matter how old she is, she will have to follow her parents rules.

I think that it is you that needs some adjustement and not her. Stereotyping and drawing conclusions because of past relationships shows that you have serious issues.

[chubbychops]

I think the only "serious issue" btman has is that he is looking for sincerity. He smells a rat. All this young man wants is to feel safe and comfortable with this woman, to be able to trust, that's all, telling him he is the one with issues is quite presumtuouos of you.

[tolstoy]

They had one date!!! Do you really think that anyone has trust and security for the future after one date?

I don't expect anything from anyone after meeting them one time.

If you think that it is normal to put pressure on someone to totally change everything after one date, then you have issues too.

She might be playing the field. What is wrong with that? They had one date and enjoyed each other but at this point there is no commitment just talk.

I just don't get what is wrong with men in this country. You pull this kind of crap with a woman back home and you don't get a second date ever.

[jinjinswing]

Seems common for some women to have more than one mobile phone so i wouldnt worry about that, as for the signage at the end of the email...hmmm...who knows, but as above poster wrote its to early to be expecting anything and who knows who else shes communicating with.

Your defenses are up...i would go on my guy feeling, let your head rule...thats the big head on your shoulders.

My experiances with women is there are no rules that apply to all, if it takes 6 hrs to reply to a text...then thats how long it takes, your also making excuse for why shes a "good catch" and you belive every little word she has told you, my advice to you is NEITHER belive or disbelive untill proven, no need to be a cynic and no need to except everything as well.

The fact your not in her city will prove a problem, after having one long distance relationship that lasted 4 ys and 2 ys we lived together i wouldnt do it again.

My advice is chill.....dont expect anything, see how it goes and if your feeling uncomfortable get rid of her quick.

[btman]

All the replies are helpful. I was looking for others' opinions - both positive or negative and that's what I've got. I felt that I was on difficult ground anyway, but could use some other views. Very often it takes someone else's point of view to see it clearly. Thanks to all.

[ShanePashen]

It depends on what you are looking for out of this relationship, in my opinion I honestly feel she maybe isn't that into you. I believe some things are universal and transcend cultural boundaries. If she was, she would make time for sure to be with you, and her screening and selective responses would send alarm bells ringing to me anyway.

Also that Latin motto, would pretty much indicate to me that there is a sweaty sock on the scene she at least corresponds with.

Perhaps an ex or current BF.

She is probably just most likely hedging her bets. As there is no commitment between you, she has every right to as well.

Very similar scenarios with western women I have dated, lead me to believe I would be trading carefully and slowly.

When you can't get 'em on the phone, and it becomes like measured responses, always indicates this to me.

Why not ask her outright if she is dating anyone else, and look carefully at her body language and eyes during her response.

Good luck, but if it walks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck!

[MobileContent]

I would suggest go slow but give the Malay working woman some time to make up her mind. If she can find any farang that is easier to integrate into the Malay culture, she will go for that person.

I dated twice a Singaporean Muslim (Malay) woman, 2 Malay woman's in Malaysia and one Indonesian Muslim woman and they totally think different from other cultures.

What is strongly in her mind?

1) Will her parents and family accept you?

2) Will you look down on her if she stays in one of those HDB flats? My guess is that they have a HDB flat 2+1 (2 bedroom plus a hall and kitchen)

3) Do you drink alcohol or eat pork?

4) Will you be willing to cough up minimum 10,000 S$ (240,000 Baht) when its time to marry. This 10,000 S$ is only for buying the basic things and covers a Diamond ring and some gold.

A woman that is in her 30's, has a good job is only interested in a longterm relationship with a possibility of marriage, helping her parents and possible other close family members.

I was married 19 years to a Singapore Malay family and speak fluent Malay.

After 22 years in the Malay culture I have been happy married to an Isaan woman for the past 1 year and I wouldn't go back.

If you have the money, go ahead (I was married for 19 years of which 17 years was a happy marriage) but Singapore is an expensive country and as a foreigner you will have to take care for both your wife one day and close by families but the question of you converting to Islam will be high on the agenda and she knows it.

Do PM me if you have any personal questions.

One issue I can promise you. Malay woman's in Malaysia, Singapore, Southern Thailand, Brunei and Indonesia are very honest.