Are We Married Or Not, Some Confussion?

[gareth1]

I am from the UK and it is my belief that I am married to my Thai wife.

Last year we were married legaly in Bkk at the registry office,and we registerd the marriage at the embassy.

Last week following a very strange conversation with my wife, it appears that her parents dont recognise that we are married as we have not performed the Thai marriage ceramony, allthough they know we are married legaly.

Asking my wife how she sees it and wot she belives "yes we are married but not in my culture"

I then asked her if she wanted to do the ceromony and typicaly I was told "up to you"

Now my dilema is should i go through the ceromony which I think is highly hipocritycal as Im not Buhdist.

Will this make her happy and please the parents?

If I dont do it will it cause problems for her later with her familly which could cause problems for us?

My wife finished university last year then we were married leagaly,she is the youngest daughter from a Issan farming family.

I have met the family several times but dont have any relationship with them although I am allways treated respectfully.

I have never disscused any sort of sin sod or ever given any money directly to them,although once her mother went to hospital and I was asked for 1000 B and told by my wife that her sisters gave the same.

So I dont think they are after money,or to my knowlage have demanded we have the ceromony.

I keep asking my wife if she wants to do this and all I get is "up to you" this is so frustrating.

I asked her if it is bad for her in her culture and she says "yes but things have changed and youger people are different than before and it's not important".

I dont know wot to do and the more you think about it drives me nuts.

So maybe you can all decide for me,perhaps we could have a poll?

[BrissyBoy]

Going by what you said, legally you may be married but maybe not in the eyes of her parents.

Perhaps what they want is a marriage ceremony in order to celebrate and show you to everybody. In doing so gain face with everybody.

I don't know if this will cause problems if you don't marry as thjis is something that you will have to work out together.

Personally i would have a ceremony as well. It is a very different experience and i found it really good.

You say this is hipocrytical as you aren't buddhist, but then again i think it's hipocrytical to get legally married and not go to a church to give your vows. Marriage is not only about the piece of paper.

Just my thoughts

Hope this helps

[bkkmadness]

Up to you.

[gareth1]

Going by what you said, legally you may be married but maybe not in the eyes of her parents.

Perhaps what they want is a marriage ceremony in order to celebrate and show you to everybody. In doing so gain face with everybody.

I don't know if this will cause problems if you don't marry as thjis is something that you will have to work out together.

Personally i would have a ceremony as well. It is a very different experience and i found it really good.

You say this is hipocrytical as you aren't buddhist, but then again i think it's hipocrytical to get legally married and not go to a church to give your vows. Marriage is not only about the piece of paper.

Just my thoughts

Hope this helps

Thanks for your reply.

I have some reservstions about the ceromony as I think I might be a little embaressed by all the attention and not quite understanding wot the monks and all that is about,seems from other posts it could be hours of hel_l.

You said yours was a good experiance?

[camerata]

I then asked her if she wanted to do the ceromony and typicaly I was told "up to you"

That means the final decision is up to you but almost certainly she wants to do it. Family is everything in Thailand. When you're sick, in trouble, or old, it's the family you rely on. So it's wise to keep the family happy.

Now my dilema is should i go through the ceromony which I think is highly hipocritycal as Im not Buhdist.

The Buddha didn't say anything about marriage ceremonies. Even though monks are invited to the ceremony, it doesn't mean you are pretending to be a Buddhist. Why would you object if Thai monks, or anyone else, blesses your marriage?

[gareth1]

I then asked her if she wanted to do the ceromony and typicaly I was told "up to you"

That means the final decision is up to you but almost certainly she wants to do it. Family is everything in Thailand. When you're sick, in trouble, or old, it's the family you rely on. So it's wise to keep the family happy.

Now my dilema is should i go through the ceromony which I think is highly hipocritycal as Im not Buhdist.

The Buddha didn't say anything about marriage ceremonies. Even though monks are invited to the ceremony, it doesn't mean you are pretending to be a Buddhist. Why would you object if Thai monks, or anyone else, blesses your marriage?

I take your point about the familly but as to an objection i dont either way, but I am trying to find out more by asking people like yourself before I could make a decision.

[phuketsiam]

Here's my 10 bahts worth, I think you should marry her. When she says up to you, she means yes she wants it, but you have to ask her not her ask you.

Until you are married in the Thai sense everyone is losing face because thats what the ceremony is, declaring the marriage to the community, legitimising you sleeping with their daughter. The ceremony is ok, get your wide to explain everything beforehand so you know what to expect, and go along with the Buddhist thing, its only a couple of hours, then you can get drunk with her uncles afterwards

[Ajarn_Jonesy]

Not understanding what the monks are saying can be a little over whelming, but it is really a good experience. My wife and I originally registered marriage a while before the ceremony. So I know your confusion.

I only have two points to make as they helped me out a lot as well.

1. Having a ceremony will make your marriage legitimate in the eyes of your inlaws. Even though you are legally married (To her family this is the same as living with someone and not getting married. They are a little embarassed by this. As in my case her mom would not tell the rest of the family where or what she was doing.

2. Even more important I think (speaking from experience). Asking her to have the wedding ceremony and you being happy to do so will make your wife happy.... And That is the most important thing of all..

[K9FIN]

Like Member " bkkmadness " just before wrote,

up2u! don´t worry too much, ok na?

Up to 3-4 yrs (and that´s very short time)

no one cant recall (or care) u married or not,

Cheers! Kippis Perkele!

[Ollie]

Well, I am very much an innocent abroad in all of this, but last year, I went through the step before marriage in a village ceremony (and I've been told there's no real difference to the real thing), but I found the whole experience very moving and uplifting. I felt very welcome, albeit a bit of a curiosity piece, but I felt everything was very sincere - even getting on the back of the dodgiest bike you can imagine with the F-I-L to be given a tour of the farm, fish farm, shops and stopping off everywhere for a drink with numerous people, glad we made it back okay! I enjoyed the tour and introductions, met really nice people, and no doubt good for the family for face(?). Doing the real thing in April and the trip to the Amphur seems very secondary in importance, apart from its legality. 150-200 people will seemingly be at the village, very few, if any at the Amphur. I'm looking forward to the whole experience. But that's me!

[K9FIN]

Ollie, i wish all the best for you and

your bride. I also hope that we can see later

some photos of your wedding seremony?

Choke dee Krup!

at/of (edit by drunken finnish lad)

Edited January 10, 2006 by K9FIN

[Nam Kao]

>>>Last week following a very strange conversation with my wife, it appears that her parents dont recognise that we are married as we have not performed the Thai marriage ceramony, allthough they know we are married legaly.

Asking my wife how she sees it and wot she belives "yes we are married but not in my culture"

This could mean you are not shelling out bucks to help the family/parents so you are not considered a

paying member. Kinda like joining a church, your not a "real" member til they are getting their $$$

out of you.

You got to pin your wife down on this, this up2you stuff is suspicious. I have to pin my wife down

alot to get things out of her. they'll keep everything bottled up inside them to a thermonuclear

detonation occurs. Make it clear to them you are not a Buffalo farang, lay down the law ASAP.

They will actually respect this in a twisted way.

Pinning down for me usually ends up in a short-lived fight but in the long run its a smoother ride.

good luck

nam

[mogoso]

The way I see it so what if your not Buddhist, you've married a Buddhist lady, who at this time in her life takes her philosophy serious. Look its great fun, a good party and it gets things off to a good start with family. We had only three monks at our blessing, but were in Atlanta Ga where there ain't a whole lotta Thai Buddhist monks availible.

Nonetheless it was a nice ceremony, with a little chanting, a little speech by one of the monks explainig our duties to each other (in english) a little more chanting. Dots on our heads string halos attaching to each other and water poured on our hands by all assembled, a little lunch ceremony (feeding the monks)and it was done. All non thais there loved it. We then proceeded to party a bit.

We're going to do it again when we return to Thailand to live as her mother and family couldn't travel to the US to be at this one. It ain't a big deal, just an excuse to party. Open your wallet and have a good time.

[Mr Red]

Being properly married in the eyes of parents, family or the neighbors is likely not much different than the middle class in my country. If a couple just has a courthouse marriage, its legal, but not the same as the ceremony-laden church wedding. That gives everyone a better feeling of permanency and that the union has the blessings of higher powers.

Important to do, and something you might personally regret not doing in future years.

[jrincon17]

Up to you.

HAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAH HAHAHA

[benlee53]

i married a thai lady in a wat tempal and gave here mother 100,000 baht in bangkok had a small party and all was great.we went home to phuket and 9 days alter she came after me with a meat cliver and until this day i will never know why.she has since marryed another america and has moved to the u.s.a i feel sorry for that guy.my point is whats is marrige to thai anyway?a money money grab or???????????

[sriracha john]

I'm reminded of the word "empathy" and perhaps you may want to consider it when making your decision.

em·pa·thy (noun)

Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives.

Put yourself in the position of her parents... and how you would feel if your daughter was living with, but not "married" to a man.

For a marriage to be successful, empathy is a necessary ingredient...not only in this particular situation.

Best of luck to you for a fun and enjoyable ceremony.

[Slim Chance]

The whole sin sod thing seems to have, from what I see in this forum, turned into a con-game gotten over on gullible over-eager-to-get-married and too-lazy-to-research-the-culture foreigners who possess more dollars than sense.

My friends got married last year amidst a big display of baht-notes and gold jewelery. After the wedding all was returned to the groom. There was never any question as to the fact that the wealth was ceremonial and merely for show.

The family welcomed the groom as it’s newest member. They didn’t try to convince him that he was expected to buy the bride. The idea would have been an insult. He SHARED the cost of the wedding with the bride’s family. And her family are not wealthy people.

Remember; you marry the family as well as the girl. Know the type of people you’re getting involved with.

ANYWAY...if you care about the peace of the family of the woman you've chosen as your wife, be a big boy, have the ceremony and legitimize their daughter's marriage in their religion and community and earn their blessings and respect.

Show some generosity of spirit -- it's a small request and will mean everything to them. And she'll like it.

OH YES! Wear knee-pads under your pants at the ceremony. Up to you.

[Storekeeper]

Go for it dude ! It's a once in a lifetime experience. You only live once ... I think.

[lopburi3]

1. Up to you. Meaning "you had better".

2. Thai Wedding has no religious significance and is not a religious ceremony. Usually in the wedding I have attended monks are not a part of night time activities (but customs do vary) and usually are provided there daily meal as an offering by the couple/family and blessings and prayers are said. It is always very informal and you just do as told. If you don't know what to do there will always be someone to help and as said nobody gets offended if you miss a clue. (except perhaps para 1 above).

[simon43]

When I married my wife last year, the Buddhist element of the village ceromony was quite small, and certainly did not overwhelm the proceedings. I am not Buddhist, although I respect others' views. On previous visits to the village wat, I politely declined to partake in any 'hand-on' Buddhist ceromonies. I explained that this was not because I disagreed with them, but rather - that I did not yet fully understand them all, and it would be rude of me to 'play along' when the meaning was not clear to me. The monks fully understood this. So each time we went to the wat, my wife and family would perform whatever religious actions were required. I would sit with her in a 'respectful' manner, but would not join in with the actions.

I never had any problems with this, and I personally think it is better not to play along with a religious ceromony that you do not fully understand or appreciate.

Simon

[pnustedt]

I got married in HK and my wife organised the ceremony in Thailand. She omitted to tell me about it! She had raised about Bt100K for the local Wat and I thought the ceremony was a handing over of the cash sort of thing. It was only part way thru that I realised it was a wedding ceremony. There was a parade through the village, carrying a sort of bush with Baht notes for leaves.

Just go with the flow and you'll be OK.

[Jai Dee]

Do it mate... I did... just 10 days ago (in Isaan) and it was great for everyone concerned.

It is important for your wife and her parents, and you will enjoy it too.

To give you an idea of what the ceremony will be like, here is a website where someone has posted their story along with photos of their wedding.

Enjoy.

[Losangels]

Go for it! I did, married a Thai here in Bangkok. I was leary at first but glad I did it. It is nice for the monks to bless our marraige and was very important event for my wife and her family. No sinsod was asked, I was told that whatever was going to be provided will be returned to us. Besides it made her very happy, isn't it what a Thai marriage or any marriage all about?

[Patex]

... Now my dilema is should i go through the ceromony which I think is highly hipocritycal as Im not Buhdist...

...Will this make her happy and please the parents?...

...My wife finished university last year then we were married leagaly,she is the youngest daughter from a Issan farming family...

... I have met the family several times but dont have any relationship with them although I am allways treated respectfully...

...I have never disscused any sort of sin sod or ever given any money directly to them...

Sorry to tell you, you are such a yokel!

All their hope was on this girl, they gave an arm and a leg for she can study, with the result that she was marry a stupid farang and even that nobody could see.

[Phil Conners]

It doesn't even have to have anything to do with buddism. When my wife and I got married it was just some marriage guy who did the ceremony, no munks were present. My wifes family are not particular religious, but as others have already said, the "ceremony" is really about legalizing to the community your marriage, justifying how you can be sleeping with their daughter.

Expect to pay a dowry btw. I could be wrong but I think 50-100k is typical.