Wouldn't You Love To Hear The President Say ...

george · January 10, 2006

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?

My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.

Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world hel_l-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

God bless America. Thank you and good night.

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

benlee53 · January 10, 2006

it is what it is and thats what it is ,say no more

lampard10 · January 11, 2006

But why is it in the joke section?

stumonster · January 11, 2006

But why is it in the joke section?

and why wasn't it posted by boon mee ?

Bung · January 11, 2006

Hey,

I came here to read something funny, not a rant

You got the cheap oil, stop complaining.

cowboygwe · January 11, 2006

I would have to agree. It is about time we bring our boys home and take care of our own

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?

andyfletch · January 11, 2006

It would be nice to hear the incumbent White House Chimpanzee say " I quit!!"

markuk · January 11, 2006

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?
My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.

Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world hel_l-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

God bless America. Thank you and good night.

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

If America stands on its own then what are you going to do with the world series???

Glauka · January 11, 2006

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?
My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.

Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world hel_l-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.

I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.

Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So start doing something with your oil.

Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.

We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet.

This is why is in the joke section. As those guys try to help other countries because they have good heart are not personal interest givin a <deleted> about their inhabitans, its culture... whatsoever...and this is not only stand for americans but for english, spanish, frenchs, belgiums...and all the coutries who have participated in the degradation and explotation of other countries natural resources and people...

very funny george very funny...

It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget.

To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

God bless America. Thank you and good night.

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

kayo · January 11, 2006

Yeah it´s a joke alright... I would love to hear a president tell me he is pulling out all ties with the countries I love and leave behind. get their filthy Political fingers out of our pies...

Edited January 11, 2006 by kayo

Boon Mee · January 11, 2006

Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.
I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget.

God bless America. Thank you and good night.

Excellent, George!

Well done...

Patex · January 12, 2006

??

alvino · January 12, 2006

By George,

I think you've got it!

Good one,

and don't listen to all that

bung out there.

suegha · January 12, 2006

Ahh, the self-righteous Americans, they think they are so wonderful because they believe their own propaganda.

sadman · January 12, 2006

Either a very amusing satirical piece or the most politically and economically naive post I have ever seen.

Lilyflower · January 12, 2006

or perhaps both...

suegha · January 12, 2006

This might be why it's in the jokes section!

phuketsiam · January 13, 2006

well they don't grow enough food to feed their people, all the cocain is imported, thats the rich boys upset, all the electronics is made in Taiwan or Japan, so thats technology covered, and they buy all their clothes from China, so yes please good old USA, get your fingers out of everone else pie and stand your own 2 feet and become isolated, and we'll all see how long you last when no one want your dollers anymore

and us brits won't need to learn arabic any more than we needed to learn german, we know how to win wars and just need to stay out your's

Boon Mee · January 14, 2006

well they don't grow enough food to feed their people, all the cocain is imported, thats the rich boys upset, all the electronics is made in Taiwan or Japan, so thats technology covered, and they buy all their clothes from China, so yes please good old USA, get your fingers out of everone else pie and stand your own 2 feet and become isolated, and we'll all see how long you last when no one want your dollers anymore
and us brits won't need to learn arabic any more than we needed to learn german, we know how to win wars and just need to stay out your's

Phil Conners · January 14, 2006

Yada yada poor US.

As somone already said, you got what you really had the war for, the cheap oil, now stop complaining.

Khun Yak · January 16, 2006

Either a very amusing satirical piece or the most politically and economically naive post I have ever seen.

Yeah, but I think its rather sad than satirical. Sad because somehow I must have missed the punchline, if there is any ?!?

But its salving that the post is in the jokes section at least...

tripperj · January 16, 2006

i just read all that and there was no F~#*ing puchline!!!!!!

george · January 16, 2006

LOL hehehe

Read it again!

Ajarn_Jonesy · January 16, 2006

well they don't grow enough food to feed their people, all the cocain is imported, thats the rich boys upset, all the electronics is made in Taiwan or Japan, so thats technology covered, and they buy all their clothes from China, so yes please good old USA, get your fingers out of everone else pie and stand your own 2 feet and become isolated, and we'll all see how long you last when no one want your dollers anymore
and us brits won't need to learn arabic any more than we needed to learn german, we know how to win wars and just need to stay out your's

Funny Thing how everyone loves to hate AMERICA... Untill you quit getting our money and support.

But you see we kicked the rubbish out of our country and sent'em back to Britian. AND THEN WE SAVED YOUR A$$'$ NOT ONCE BUT TWICE...

Great post Goerge!! NOW IF WE COULD ONLY GET A BUSH TO LISTEN TO IT>

Ahh, the self-righteous Americans, they think they are so wonderful because they believe their own propaganda.

Sueha!! Sometimes you actually make sense, but when it comes to Americans you don't have a clue.

Khun Yak · January 17, 2006

"Ahh, the self-righteous Americans, they think they are so wonderful because they believe their own propaganda."

"Sueha!! Sometimes you actually make sense, but when it comes to Americans you don't have a clue. "

I dont see where suegha should have been wrong in his post...

Edited January 17, 2006 by Khun Yak

Boon Mee · January 17, 2006

George Bush Broke the Fan Belt on My Mother's '95 Jeep Cherokee

At 10 o'clock this morning, received a desperate call from my dear mother.

"Danm that Bush!" she cried. "Danm him to HE11!"

"Take it easy, Ma. What's the problem?"

"My car broke down!" she told me. "I have an appointment at the unemployment office to extend my benefits another two years, and I have no way to get there! DANM THAT BUSH! He sent my job overseas, and now he's trying to take my unemployment insurance away! What am I going to do?"

Ma has been out of work since Boeing laid her off in 2002, thanks to Bush and his tax cuts for the rich. The union hasn't called her back, and no one is hiring 65 year old Airplane Restroom Toilet Paper Dispenser Installers anymore. So she's had to subsist on her pension, social security, her 401k, alimony checks, welfare, and unemployment insurance benefits for the past two years.

"Don't worry, Ma. Tell me where you are and I'll come help."

"At the White Horse Tavern in Marysville. That's as far as I made it before the danm thing quit!"

"Mom, that's totally the opposite direction of the unemployment office."

"Oh that Bush has got me so riled up, I've lost all sense of direction!" Ma cried.

"No biggie, Ma, I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Thank you, dear. I'll go inside and have a beer while I wait."

I arrived at the White Horse a couple hours later. Sure enough, Ma was inside nursing a pounder at the bar when I walked in.

"Oh Boonee, thank God you're here!" she greeted me. "I don't know what I'm going to do...I'm out of work, my unemployment benefits have expired, and now my car won't run! I'm going to wind up eating dog food right out of the can, thanks to Bush and his tax cuts for the rich!"

"Would you like some more pull tabs, Mrs. Chomstein?" the bartender interrupted.

"Yeah, gimme fifty bucks on number 10," my Mom told him. "Lotta good it'll do me...I haven't won shit since Bush put on a flight suit and announced 'mission accomplished' from the deck of that aircraft carrier."

"Well, Ma, I'll go out and have a look at the car. Maybe I can fix it."

"Bless your heart, dear," she said, handing me her keys. "I'll have another beer while I wait."

When I popped the hood open on the Jeep, I could immediately tell what the problem was - the fan belt was broken. But upon closer inspection, it became obviuous that it had been cleanly and intentionally cut. I took the broken belt back inside the tavern and showed it to Ma.

"Danm that Bush!" she screeched with anger, her face turning a deep red. "That BASTARD cut my fan belt! Oooh he really knows how to PISS ME OFF! I haven't been this mad since Nixon stole my panties at Woodstock! DANM HIM! DANM HIM! DANM HIM!"

"Calm down, Ma!" I told her. She was lapsing into one of her Sam Kinison screaming fits, and was already drawing a small crowd of slack-jawed gawkers. "Just relax, it's an easy fix. I'll just drive up to the auto parts store and get a new fan belt."

"Oh thank you so much, sweetheart," Ma replied, relaxing a little. "I'll have another beer while I wait."

An hour later, I had the new belt installed and the Jeep was ready to go - just as Ma came stumbling out of the bar, blood gushing from her mouth.

"Holy crap, what happened to you?"

"Oh I fell down in the baffroom and broke my toof on the edge of the terlet," Ma explained.

"DANM THAT BUSH!" we both shouted in unison.

alvino · January 17, 2006

George Bush Broke the Fan Belt on My Mother's '95 Jeep Cherokee

At 10 o'clock this morning, received a desperate call from my dear mother.

"Danm that Bush!" she cried. "Danm him to HE11!"

"Take it easy, Ma. What's the problem?"

"My car broke down!" she told me. "I have an appointment at the unemployment office to extend my benefits another two years, and I have no way to get there! DANM THAT BUSH! He sent my job overseas, and now he's trying to take my unemployment insurance away! What am I going to do?"

Ma has been out of work since Boeing laid her off in 2002, thanks to Bush and his tax cuts for the rich. The union hasn't called her back, and no one is hiring 65 year old Airplane Restroom Toilet Paper Dispenser Installers anymore. So she's had to subsist on her pension, social security, her 401k, alimony checks, welfare, and unemployment insurance benefits for the past two years.

"Don't worry, Ma. Tell me where you are and I'll come help."

"At the White Horse Tavern in Marysville. That's as far as I made it before the danm thing quit!"

"Mom, that's totally the opposite direction of the unemployment office."

"Oh that Bush has got me so riled up, I've lost all sense of direction!" Ma cried.

"No biggie, Ma, I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Thank you, dear. I'll go inside and have a beer while I wait."

I arrived at the White Horse a couple hours later. Sure enough, Ma was inside nursing a pounder at the bar when I walked in.

"Oh Boonee, thank God you're here!" she greeted me. "I don't know what I'm going to do...I'm out of work, my unemployment benefits have expired, and now my car won't run! I'm going to wind up eating dog food right out of the can, thanks to Bush and his tax cuts for the rich!"

"Would you like some more pull tabs, Mrs. Chomstein?" the bartender interrupted.

"Yeah, gimme fifty bucks on number 10," my Mom told him. "Lotta good it'll do me...I haven't won shit since Bush put on a flight suit and announced 'mission accomplished' from the deck of that aircraft carrier."

"Well, Ma, I'll go out and have a look at the car. Maybe I can fix it."

"Bless your heart, dear," she said, handing me her keys. "I'll have another beer while I wait."

When I popped the hood open on the Jeep, I could immediately tell what the problem was - the fan belt was broken. But upon closer inspection, it became obviuous that it had been cleanly and intentionally cut. I took the broken belt back inside the tavern and showed it to Ma.

"Danm that Bush!" she screeched with anger, her face turning a deep red. "That BASTARD cut my fan belt! Oooh he really knows how to PISS ME OFF! I haven't been this mad since Nixon stole my panties at Woodstock! DANM HIM! DANM HIM! DANM HIM!"

"Calm down, Ma!" I told her. She was lapsing into one of her Sam Kinison screaming fits, and was already drawing a small crowd of slack-jawed gawkers. "Just relax, it's an easy fix. I'll just drive up to the auto parts store and get a new fan belt."

"Oh thank you so much, sweetheart," Ma replied, relaxing a little. "I'll have another beer while I wait."

An hour later, I had the new belt installed and the Jeep was ready to go - just as Ma came stumbling out of the bar, blood gushing from her mouth.

"Holy crap, what happened to you?"

"Oh I fell down in the baffroom and broke my toof on the edge of the terlet," Ma explained.

"DANM THAT BUSH!" we both shouted in unison.

suegha · January 17, 2006

Ahh, the self-righteous Americans, they think they are so wonderful because they believe their own propaganda.

Sueha!! Sometimes you actually make sense, but when it comes to Americans you don't have a clue.

It' true, I only base the above on pesonal experience, many American friends, and many visits to the USA - and from that limited experience I repeat 'they believe their own propaganda'.

Edited January 17, 2006 by suegha

phuketsiam · January 17, 2006

But you see we kicked the rubbish out of our country and sent'em back to Britian. AND THEN WE SAVED YOUR A$$'$ NOT ONCE BUT TWICE...
Great post Goerge!! NOW IF WE COULD ONLY GET A BUSH TO LISTEN TO IT>

A common myth the yanks love to believe, if wasn't for the French the yanks would have lost their war of independance, (ever wondered why they gave you the statue of liberty, or do think you think you made it all by yourselves) and as for saveing our asses if your talking about WWI and II the yanks arrived very late when it was all but over to claim a share of the spoils, and then made lots hollywood movies about how they won it all by themselves.

we saved your ass in korea, in vietnam- all by yourselves you didn't do so well, you see we have the brains and you have the brawn

suegha · January 17, 2006

Now now my friends, remember this started in the jokes section. Let's not get nasty and be guilty of upsetting people, either ourselves or others.

Be happy, that's why I always check the jokes section!

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