Would You Tell Your Wife If The Doctor Told You She May Have Down Syndrome Child.

[fletchsmile]

Definitely would tell her.

It is not a burden or worry to be shouldered alone by you. It's a time to support each other. She also has every right to know what the situation is given it affects her future, her body, and the relationship as well as trust between you.

In fact we were told with our first daughter she had a risk of Down Syndrome among other things.

We did an amniocentesis to check for chromosone abnormailities to have all facts possible to make an informed decision together. Waiting 3 weeks+ for the results was horrible. Most would be parents sort of expect their children to be healthy but wonder what if. We were the opposite, given the expectation that she could be impaired and wondering/ hoping what if she wasn't.

Amniocentesis does carry a small risk of losing the child. We thought it was worth it to know all the facts. Horrible to say also that it did cross my mind that if that event did occur perhaps it would be for the best. You will have all sorts of things going thru your mind, and another reason to share what's going on. This test would also be one factor to consider whether to have an abortion or not. At 20 weeks you don't have much time, and your options are becoming more limited.

So my view was get the facts and deal with the situation that arises. We were lucky the test came back OK, but up until the day she was born, the thought was in our mind of not just that but anything else that might go wrong, what if the tests were wrong etc. Luckily we avoided having to make a decision on abortion, and to be honest I'm not sure what we would have done. It does cross my mind sometimes when I look at a lovely daughter what a mistake we could have made. Get the facts, and as many as possible and then deal with them. Eliminate as many what ifs and fears together as you can.

Worth also noting that my Thai wife and Thai perspectives/ beliefs etc on physical impairments/ deformities, what happened in past lives etc were different than mine in quite a few ways. All the more reason to discuss. Tho' a big relief was that our thoughts on how to proceed were remarkably similar.

1 in 35 is a low chance. I'd see if you could get that more accurate if I were you, even with a less than 1% risk. A good doctor will help advise. The lady doctor we saw at BNH felt a need to impose her Christian views on us about abortion. This, as well as getting a second opinion elsewhere was one several reasons we changed hospitals. I didn't want a doctor telling us what our morals should be. I wanted facts.

In actual fact her diagnosis of the risk also turned out to be a poor one. So consider going elsewhere for a second opinion. Get a doctor who will put you and your wife first and show some understanding and compassion.

One positive is you live in Australia. Society in general is easier, more accepting and provides much better support and facilities than Thailand for a child with any impairments or Down Syndrome. You also have more options such as abortion, carers etc. Many Thais would look at you and wonder what sort of people you are to bring this on yourself and family or what you did in your last life. Mixed culture marriages can be challenging as it is, without the judgement of society on you having a child with impairments because of their believing its your kharma.

Best wishes to you and your family. Hope everything works out for you

Edited August 26, 2012 by fletchsmile

[Sheryl]

She has to be told (I note that apparently the OP did tell her already). Note only is it unethical to withold information from a patient, she needs to know because she needs to make an informed decision as to whether or not to undergo further testing (amniocentesis or Chorionic villus sampling). Since these tests do cary a small risk of miscarriage (and even smaller, but not zero, risk to the woman), blood screening is done first as it can rule out the need for these in many cases. in your case unfortunately, it did not, so you will probably be advised to have one of these tests, but it will be up to your wife whether to do so. She can hardly make that decision unless she has all the facts.

And, should she have the test and should it confirm Downs Syndrome, a decision then needs to be made about whether to continue the pregnancy. Although Op states that they would have the baby no matter what, it is not clear that the wife has really considered the matter and in any case such sentiments are not the same thing as deciding to continue a pregnancy knowing specifically that the baby has problem X and what that in turn will require and entail. I ma by no means urging abortion in case of a Downs baby, many families raise Downs children and find them a source of joy, but it's a big task and not one to be taken for granted or lightly.

Many parents who do decide to carry a baby with Downs (or other abnormality) to term find it was useful to know of the problem in advance as it gave them time to prepare both emotionally and practically.