Hmmm... So What Should I Do About This Friend?

[howcanitbefixed]

Ok… so here is the situation.

First, it’s not necessarily gay nor romantic, but I am gay so I felt better posting this in this forum.

I have a best friend who is Thai. We have known each other about 6 months. We generally see each other every day and go everywhere together.

Over the weekend, we made plans to do something (I want to skip what “it” was as its personal).

Anyway, we went together and I did my part and then when his turn came he changed his mind (or chickened out). So he did something else.

I was not happy. It caused me some embarrassment and feeling a little foolish. And there was no misunderstanding. He knew he was backing out and leaving me hanging.

Well, usually I might just forget something like this but this was a bigger deal than normal. So I did not get angry. But when we were alone I told him that it bothered me that he did not tell me he changed his mind. Of course he can change his mind. But if he would have told me before, it would have saved me from grief and trouble.

I calmly focused on the message: “why did you not tell me you were changing plans?” and that I felt sort of foolish having done my part and then he did not do his.

That it was sort of unbalanced and that I felt kind of alone (something like that anyway).

The response was basically that he understood and felt bad.

Ok, so I thought “ok I got this out of me and we are done with it”.

But he seems to have taken this to heart in a big way. He seems to be avoiding me now. And when we are together he acts distant. He doesn’t seem happy/excited when we talk on the phone.

I don’t know if he is just embarrassed and feels bad?

Or if he thinks my friendship with him was fickle and has somehow changed?

Or I don’t know?

I am not sure what the best course of action is.

Should I try to call him and say “look my culture is different. I said what was on my mind and that got rid of it. I am sorry your feelings were hurt. We should just put it behind us and move on”.

Or should I just lay low and give him a couple days to just recover and come back when he is ready?

Suggestions?

[BambinA]

we made plans to do something (I want to skip what “it” was as its personal).

>> i dont know what is "IT" , so it s hard to tell you exactly what 'd you do..

>> is "IT" a big deal??

>> is he a gay man?

>> is he your bf?

He seems to be avoiding me now. And when we are together he acts distant. He doesn’t seem happy/excited when we talk on the phone

.

>> how long it 's happend after you guys had a prob in that day..if its not so long , maybe he is just "sulking" its common in thai people ,especailly girls , gay men ..and we can find even in some men also

I don’t know if he is just embarrassed and feels bad?

>> hard to say coz i dont know what is "IT" that make you guys have prob ..but maybe imagine if you were him, what would you feel (maybe he feel the same way)

I am not sure what the best course of action

>> do both , if i were you i would call him ,explain how i feel and say as u "“look my culture is different. I said what was on my mind and that got rid of it. I am sorry your feelings were hurt. We should just put it behind us and move on”.

" ...after that i will give a break atleast i do my best at my side already (and seem i did not do anything wrong)

if he cares me indeed, he will know what he should do.

goodluck

Edited February 14, 2006 by BambinA

[howcanitbefixed]

hi...

"IT"...well i dont want to say...it was just something in public and that i went first and then he didnt follow...so i looked bad and he knows he made me look bad. here is an example..like imagine we made plans to go skydiving together...and it was important to us to do it together...and then i jumped and he did not...something like that.

he is a straight thai man. we are just best buddies.

this happened about 3 days ago...but we didnt get to talk about it until yesterday morning.

i think you are right he is sulking... but he is also acting very distant.... maybe he thinks our friendship is over? i am not sure.

[BambinA]

he is a straight thai man. we are just best buddies

or maybe he just keep a distant coz he worry you will think about him more than friend?

maybe he thinks our friendship is over?

if he think like that .. (and if you sure "IT" is not a big deal )... so he is too shallow then.

[astral]

This is a typical Thai response to something they feel uncomfortable about. Not just sex.

Ask an employee to perform a task.

A westerner will tell you they do not understand.

A Thai will not.

Days/weeks later when you ask why the task is not done, they will just look sheepish................

If you want to live in Thailand you have to get used to it.

It also works the other way.

My Thai boss asked me to do something, and I did not fully understand, so I said so.

It turned out he did not know either and was hoping I did...............

We discussed the matter and decided what had to be done.

Edited February 14, 2006 by astral

[dukkha]

My friend, as an older but not wiser, gay man, if ya cant communicate and I dont mean linguistically, remember the thai reads the face, then it aint gonna be a comfortable time together..not meaning to be glib, take care of your own heart...its the only one you have.. Dukkha

[howcanitbefixed]

hi

this has nothing to do with gay or sex.

he basically did something that embarassed me in public. and let me down as a friend.

he just feels bad about doing this. and uncomfortable about how this made me feel.

i think Astral's answer is closest. thanks.

i just dont understand what i should do next?

should i just leave him alone and this will fix itself (time heals wounds)?

or do i need to call him and say "its ok. mai bpen arai. lets gin beer!".

Edited February 14, 2006 by howcanitbefixed

[jdinasia]

Too lost to reply to anything but the (and I think I am paraphrasing from a Thai point of view but could be WAY Off)--------------

My Farang friend wanted to go to a massage parlor. I knew he really wanted to go .. so I went ... He got his massage and I just hung back and had another Johnny Walker and waited.

Instead of being greatful that I went along with him ... he was mad that I didn't get a massage too! It doesn't seem to matter to my farang friend that I went to a place I wouldn't normally go ... or that I went with a farang and that singled me out socially ... all that matters is that I didn't get a massage ...

After all is said and done ... my farang friend chastised me for not getting a massage! How would me not getting a massage matter more than the fact that I went with my friend and was supportive even though the whole situation was embarassing to me?

I think I'll take a break and see if I can figure out if this guy is my friend or not!....-----------------

Now ... that may be COMPLETELY off ...but it would explain alot.

[Ijustwannateach]

I agree with Bambina's intuitive reading of your situation, although since we don't know what it is it's hard to tell.

I also agree with Astral's pointing out that communication here works differently sometimes. Apparent agreement can often turn out to be simply face-saving. Dhukka's right that you have to read someone's body language to find out what they're really saying, especially if you are putting pressure on them to do something they really don't want to do.

A technique that I've seen frequently used by Thai employees on their employers:

Employer: Do this (extra new duty-type thing)!

Employee: Ok!

(nothing happens)

Repeat as necessary.

If you find yourself in this position, you may not have made your friend comfortable enough to say no to you, or he may (reasonably enough) be assuming that you can read him well enough to know what is going on. Applying more pressure while either of these are true might well result in a less than positive response from your friend.

"Steven"