I Feel Trapped By.....thai’s Hospitality!

[BKK90210]

A polite and normal behavior of a Thai…or… invasion of privacy for the average farang!?

On my last visit to Bangkok, I remember spending several days with my thai relatives. They’re not poor, just an average working class. I usually try to take care of myself so as to not appear too stuck-up, but I wasn't allowed to make any choices for myself! They always feel the obligation toward me.

I want to have some fried bananas –no, why would you come all the way to Thailand just for fried banana….let’s go eat something different

I know they were trying to protect me from my own ignorance, but those fried bananas sure looked good!

I want to eat at that restaurant – no, we can't eat there, it's not a clean place

They always cooked for me when I’m not hungry…..and they seem to cook all day!

Or… When I'm tired, and need to lie down and take a nap in my room to read or just think about what a good time I’m having, they would say…, Are you okay? Are you lonely?

They even washed my undies!

In addition, they even wanted to know exactly where I was going every time I left the house. If you're like me, you probably like a little wandering and discovering things for yourself. Heck, I even enjoy getting lost once in a while, as long as I am not getting mugged. After I met them, I almost never got to go out by myself to explore because they’re always helping me. If I wanted to eat some fruit, they accompanied me to the market. If I wanted to know where to buy books, someone drove me to the bookstore. Whenever I wanted to do something for myself, I found that I couldn't. When someone offers to do everything for me, and walk every step of the way with me, I feel pinned down! But I also understand that the typical Thai person is not brought up the same way as me. They like the feeling of taking care of – and being taken care of – by their relatives or friends. They may not see wandering around among those cute little shops down by the canal/klong as fun. Where do you want to go?... Let me send you there and save you some time.

What more is there to Say? Man Oh Man…I was living under a strict regimen of thai’s hospitality!

Of course they can’t sense or accept that I also have a strong need for personal space and reflection. Sometime I just want to be alone, to think, to feel, to write in my diaries. And of course, if your little antennae are working like mine, you may be sensing as if there are other reasons besides just good manners motivating my thai relatives. Seem to me they like to be with people all the time. Sharing stories and food is where they feel comfortable, whereas being alone isn't something they are good at. So I asked my little cousin…First, she said…there are too many ghosts or at least stories about them, …..then, there are the tok-kaes (the big gecko lizards),….. and come to think of it, there are all kinds of things lurking out there!

I try to remember that I have traveled to their country, and that these are the rules they live by. Small doses of thai’s hospitality can be charming, but very imposing in larger ones – it makes me feel seriously uncomfortable. To point-blank just say NO because you don't want to be bothered would be considered a slap in the face to them.

Should I start squirming and trying to get away?.... Or….Should I just shoot a few hours or a day and let them have their way…… After all, I might actually come to enjoy the ride at the end?

Edited March 2, 2006 by BKK90210

[astral]

It is not meant to be an invasion of your privacy, but it may feel that way.

All the personal questions Thai's ask can give that impression, but it is just the way they do things.

They are trying to protect you from food poisoning, but it does sound as though they are being over-protective. The fried bananas are good. I surprised the did not just buy some and offer them to you.

After all, I might actually come to enjoy the ride at the end?

Your own words!!

I would go along with it, you may get to see aspects of Thai society that the average tourist never sees.

If you feel the need to explore alone, then say so. I feel sure you will be allowed to do so, and I doubt they will be offended.

[Toni]

A polite and normal behavior of a Thai…or… invasion of privacy for the average farang!?

On my last visit to Bangkok, I remember spending several days with my thai relatives. They’re not poor, just an average working class. I usually try to take care of myself so as to not appear too stuck-up, but I wasn't allowed to make any choices for myself! They always feel the obligation toward me.

I want to have some fried bananas –no, why would you come all the way to Thailand just for fried banana….let’s go eat something different

I know they were trying to protect me from my own ignorance, but those fried bananas sure looked good!

I want to eat at that restaurant – no, we can't eat there, it's not a clean place

They always cooked for me when I’m not hungry…..and they seem to cook all day!

Or… When I'm tired, and need to lie down and take a nap in my room to read or just think about what a good time I’m having, they would say…, Are you okay? Are you lonely?

They even washed my undies!

In addition, they even wanted to know exactly where I was going every time I left the house. If you're like me, you probably like a little wandering and discovering things for yourself. Heck, I even enjoy getting lost once in a while, as long as I am not getting mugged. After I met them, I almost never got to go out by myself to explore because they’re always helping me. If I wanted to eat some fruit, they accompanied me to the market. If I wanted to know where to buy books, someone drove me to the bookstore. Whenever I wanted to do something for myself, I found that I couldn't. When someone offers to do everything for me, and walk every step of the way with me, I feel pinned down! But I also understand that the typical Thai person is not brought up the same way as me. They like the feeling of taking care of – and being taken care of – by their relatives or friends. They may not see wandering around among those cute little shops down by the canal/klong as fun. Where do you want to go?... Let me send you there and save you some time.

What more is there to Say? Man Oh Man…I was living under a strict regimen of thai’s hospitality!

Of course they can’t sense or accept that I also have a strong need for personal space and reflection. Sometime I just want to be alone, to think, to feel, to write in my diaries. And of course, if your little antennae are working like mine, you may be sensing as if there are other reasons besides just good manners motivating my thai relatives. Seem to me they like to be with people all the time. Sharing stories and food is where they feel comfortable, whereas being alone isn't something they are good at. So I asked my little cousin…First, she said…there are too many ghosts or at least stories about them, …..then, there are the tok-kaes (the big gecko lizards),….. and come to think of it, there are all kinds of things lurking out there!

I try to remember that I have traveled to their country, and that these are the rules they live by. Small doses of thai’s hospitality can be charming, but very imposing in larger ones – it makes me feel seriously uncomfortable. To point-blank just say NO because you don't want to be bothered would be considered a slap in the face to them.

Should I start squirming and trying to get away?.... Or….Should I just shoot a few hours or a day and let them have their way…… After all, I might actually come to enjoy the ride at the end?

I can find myself in your reply. But I think it is a genral Asian behaviour. I met the same at the Phils and in Indonesia!

First of all I felt it as a lost of privacy (very important to me!) but here you have to accept this, even being the whole day surrounded by family and friends of your partner.

[chownah]

I can relate completely to the OP's dilemma. It used to feel that way alot of the time. I assume that tho OP has a wife...if so then discuss this with her and maybe she can help to explain why you want to go for a walk and why you want to be alone. I think you can get time away for yourself but I wouldn't try to get it by "squirming".....just do it as the Nike people would say. Do you know the Thai term "pai theo"....means to go traveling or to go around to see things. If going on your own seems impossible then try to "pai theo" with a child or two...its easy to ignore the children after you're out of the house and thus get a reasonable approximation of alone time.

Edited March 2, 2006 by chownah

[zzap]

"pai theo" is a good one I frequently use. It's merely polite when they ask you where you are going, you don't need to account for it in detail. "pai theo" is the polite answer.

Food: again it is polite to offer, the answer is to say you're not hungry and just eat a tiny token to show appreciation. If you eat what is presented, they will offer more, until there are sizable leftover, that's what honorable hosts do...

[somchai jones]

A polite and normal behavior of a Thai…or… invasion of privacy for the average farang!?

On my last visit to Bangkok, I remember spending several days with my thai relatives. They’re not poor, just an average working class. I usually try to take care of myself so as to not appear too stuck-up, but I wasn't allowed to make any choices for myself! They always feel the obligation toward me.

I want to have some fried bananas –no, why would you come all the way to Thailand just for fried banana….let’s go eat something different

I know they were trying to protect me from my own ignorance, but those fried bananas sure looked good!

I want to eat at that restaurant – no, we can't eat there, it's not a clean place

They always cooked for me when I’m not hungry…..and they seem to cook all day!

Or… When I'm tired, and need to lie down and take a nap in my room to read or just think about what a good time I’m having, they would say…, Are you okay? Are you lonely?

They even washed my undies!

In addition, they even wanted to know exactly where I was going every time I left the house. If you're like me, you probably like a little wandering and discovering things for yourself. Heck, I even enjoy getting lost once in a while, as long as I am not getting mugged. After I met them, I almost never got to go out by myself to explore because they’re always helping me. If I wanted to eat some fruit, they accompanied me to the market. If I wanted to know where to buy books, someone drove me to the bookstore. Whenever I wanted to do something for myself, I found that I couldn't. When someone offers to do everything for me, and walk every step of the way with me, I feel pinned down! But I also understand that the typical Thai person is not brought up the same way as me. They like the feeling of taking care of – and being taken care of – by their relatives or friends. They may not see wandering around among those cute little shops down by the canal/klong as fun. Where do you want to go?... Let me send you there and save you some time.

What more is there to Say? Man Oh Man…I was living under a strict regimen of thai’s hospitality!

Of course they can’t sense or accept that I also have a strong need for personal space and reflection. Sometime I just want to be alone, to think, to feel, to write in my diaries. And of course, if your little antennae are working like mine, you may be sensing as if there are other reasons besides just good manners motivating my thai relatives. Seem to me they like to be with people all the time. Sharing stories and food is where they feel comfortable, whereas being alone isn't something they are good at. So I asked my little cousin…First, she said…there are too many ghosts or at least stories about them, …..then, there are the tok-kaes (the big gecko lizards),….. and come to think of it, there are all kinds of things lurking out there!

I try to remember that I have traveled to their country, and that these are the rules they live by. Small doses of thai’s hospitality can be charming, but very imposing in larger ones – it makes me feel seriously uncomfortable. To point-blank just say NO because you don't want to be bothered would be considered a slap in the face to them.

Should I start squirming and trying to get away?.... Or….Should I just shoot a few hours or a day and let them have their way…… After all, I might actually come to enjoy the ride at the end?

I can find myself in your reply. But I think it is a genral Asian behaviour. I met the same at the Phils and in Indonesia!

First of all I felt it as a lost of privacy (very important to me!) but here you have to accept this, even being the whole day surrounded by family and friends of your partner.

Agreed, get the same thing every time I stay at my in-laws in Malaysia.

Took some getting used to, particularly as I come from a rather small family but my wife has brothers, sisters, nephews and neices coming out of her ears!

Best to look at it from the angle that they're looking out for you.

[BKK90210]

I can relate completely to the OP's dilemma. It used to feel that way alot of the time. I assume that tho OP has a wife...if so then discuss this with her and maybe she can help to explain why you want to go for a walk and why you want to be alone. I think you can get time away for yourself but I wouldn't try to get it by "squirming".....just do it as the Nike people would say. Do you know the Thai term "pai theo"....means to go traveling or to go around to see things. If going on your own seems impossible then try to "pai theo" with a child or two...its easy to ignore the children after you're out of the house and thus get a reasonable approximation of alone time.

Oh dear....not the word "pai theo"!

Well for sure the word “pai theo” is definitely out!......coz that is the exact word I frequently use to communicate with them in thai every times I need to go to the bathroom…after long “squirming” for quite sometime following their home cooked meal of course! It would be strange scene indeed taking a child or two with me as you suggested every times I need to “pai theo” and having them sit in front of my bathroom door waiting!

[sbk]

It's fine to stay with the relatives if its only a few days or only once in a great while but if it is too often, you begin to not only feel stifled but like you are taking advantage.

My husband and I learned to go stay in a hotel and visit the relatives. We have always used some excuse like, "we have some business and it is closer to where we have to go".

[Neeranam]

When I stopped giving my family money all that crap stopped.

[BKK90210]

He has his own decent job and also currently working as “Pu-Yai-Baan” of Ampur BangKapi in Bkk. So...No…Not about the money in my case, coz I’ve never given him any money all these 20 yrs!

Must be this culture thing!

[Neeranam]

He has his own decent job and also currently working as “Pu-Yai-Baan” of Ampur BangKapi in Bkk. So...No…Not about the money in my case, coz I’ve never given him any money all these 20 yrs!

Must be this culture thing!

When there's a farang involved there is nearly always the thought of money. Maybe he's planning a big, long-term sting.

Have you thought of giving them money to leave you alone?

[khunlungphudhu]

It has taken me forty years to overcome this 'problem'!

This year I chose to visit over New Year, knowing that the children would be off school for only a few days and that all the grown ups would be busy.

Using my nephew's pick-up, I wandered a little further than I should have and was very late getting back, so, at five p.m. sharp, my mobile rings.

'Where are you?' 'You go where?' 'Have you eaten?' etc. etc. My answer to all was 'Don't know!'

They kept on ringing me at regular intervals until I rolled through the gate at eleven p.m.

It was no doubt, cruel, but they have at last learnt that 'Uncle' is a big boy now and can go out alone without getting lost, starving to death or worse!

Ah freedom! Wonderful!

And we all enjoy each others company even more.

[The Dan Sai Kid]

He has his own decent job and also currently working as “Pu-Yai-Baan” of Ampur BangKapi in Bkk. So...No…Not about the money in my case, coz I’ve never given him any money all these 20 yrs!

Must be this culture thing!

When there's a farang involved there is nearly always the thought of money. Maybe he's planning a big, long-term sting.

A slow burning 20 year scam...

[toptuan]

A few cultural observations.

1. "Where are you going?" is an idle comment by Thais, who really don't expect an answer. It's like the American who always asks "How are you?" but doesn't really care. "Bpy teow " is perfect!

2. To the Thai, it's unthinkable for a person to want to be alone. They are so group-oriented. When I eat at a restaurant by myself, and if any of my friends come in, they look horrified that I'm there by myself. They don't leave me alone until I come and eat with them (or they plop down and join me).

3. Yes, feeding you until you want to burst is their idea of hospitality.

Most of my farang friends, newly arrived in Thailand, feel smothered by Thai hospitality when they visit relatives or friends. It takes some getting used to. IMHO, your uncomfortableness is a small price to pay for the wonderful showering of affection and attention by a hospitable Thai. Acknowledge the cultural differences and learn to live with it. (You're right about saying "NO" in your post.)

Also, I think the money angle is a bit cynical. I'm a poor teacher with only a motorbike to my name, and my Thai friends always treat me like royalty.

[steveromagnino]

When there's a farang involved there is nearly always the thought of money. Maybe he's planning a big, long-term sting.

Have you thought of giving them money to leave you alone?

Ah, the true voice of a cynic. Totally disagree, but then again each to their own opinion

Actually, the best solution i can think of is to play the Thai style; explain you are meeting someone off this board and catch a taxi somewhere; go explore on your own and eat fried bananas etc to your heart's content.

The funny thing is my family always insist I treat my friends like this, and it drives them, me and my family nuts; easiest way is a few excuses that you are spending time with someone else, and this releaves them of their perceived obligation of looking after you since someone else will be doing that.

Just wander around alone and then return; people will understand someone was looking after you and everyone will be happy.

[gburns57au]

I cant believe that someone could complain because people were concerned about him....wanted him to be safe.

That is the way Thais are....I would be more concerned if they didnt do it.

[GuestHouse]

Maybe you are being trapped, perhaps your hosts are concerned your own generosity might be distributed elsewhere.

[zzap]

You'll have to learn to interpret things:

1) Where you go?=we are concerned for you, and if you went missing, we don't want your wife to ask us 'where did he go' and we'd have to say 'Don't know'.

2) Have you eaten? Here is more food.=we want you to feel relaxed and eat as much as you want, and we wouldn't want you to tell others we are 'stingy'.

3) This restaurant is not clean.=a)we don't want to eat out, b)we don't want to spend money eating out, c)we don't want you to spend money inviting us eating out...

Got it?

[skylar]

The OP is female, and an Americanised (Americanized?) Thai

[BKK90210]

The OP is female, and an Americanised (Americanized?) Thai

Very good darling…..only part of it.... ...But what else did you know about me?

And let me guess…..You’re a ‘Brit’ but now an 'Aussinized koala male' who loved to shop at 'Tarzhay Boutique' and preferred flip flops to closed toe shoes?

[astral]

"Have you eaten?"

is like saying "how are you?"

"Yes thanks", is the simple answer.

As an only child I find it good to have "acquired" all my wife's family

to take care of me.

Edited March 3, 2006 by astral

[gburns57au]

The OP is female, and an Americanised (Americanized?) Thai

Very good darling…..only part of it.... ...But what else did you know about me?

And let me guess…..You’re a ‘Brit’ but now an 'Aussinized koala male' who loved to shop at 'Tarzhay Boutique' and preferred flip flops to closed toe shoes?

What is an Aussinized Koala male.....

And we shop at Target.....and we wear thongs not flip flops....geez....

[skylar]

The OP is female, and an Americanised (Americanized?) Thai

Very good darling…..only part of it.... ...But what else did you know about me?

And let me guess…..You’re a ‘Brit’ but now an 'Aussinized koala male' who loved to shop at 'Tarzhay Boutique' and preferred flip flops to closed toe shoes?

What is an Aussinized Koala male.....

And we shop at Target.....and we wear thongs not flip flops....geez....

I'm female. And I definitely wore flip flops, not thongs. Flip flops are thong like with the band across the foot, not the v between it. If I described myself as an animal, it would be a dingo. I'm more of an Alannah Hill gal than Tarjet, but Tarjet does sell good Bonds undies. And I am a closed-toe shoe person now. Nobody in Bangkok wears flip flops or thongs anymore. That's so 90s!

[zzap]

Nobody in Bangkok wears flip flops or thongs anymore. biggrin.gif That's so 90s!

Have you been there since the '90s?

[Beachcomber]

I thought this was a serious thread till I saw that it had deteriorated into what usually happens into something else this time all about footwear fashion statements.

Lets face it does anyone who says “Nobody in Bangkok wears flip flops or thongs anymore. That's so 90s!” deserve any kind of acknowledgement?

Anyway back to the OP I agree with Neeranam “When I stopped giving my family money all that crap stopped” and “When there's a Farang involved there is nearly always the thought of money. Maybe he's planning a big, long-term sting”

And with GuestHouse “Maybe you are being trapped, perhaps your hosts are concerned your own generosity might be distributed elsewhere”

We are all brainwashed into believing we are always in the wrong. Observe the culture, be polite, have respect for my family the list goes on and on. What about our culture? ALL the locals that are involved with a Farang did so voluntarily nobody forced them (except maybe family pressures for young daughter to find rich Farang in Bangkok bar) So why do none of the locals accept OUR culture?

Why? Because they don’t see us as a culture to be respected only as a financial commodity.

Sure there are many “Happy - Happy” relationships, mine included, but Hey! people don’t loose sight of the whole picture. Be really honest with yourselves where would you be without the money?

We are only “guests” in this country no matter how much you would like to kid yourself. Everything you do is for their benefit and they live here 10 – 20 years you will be gone but your money and what you have done will still be here.

They can wait.

[Youbloodybeauty]

Oh dear....not the word "pai theo"!

Well for sure the word “pai theo” is definitely out!......coz that is the exact word I frequently use to communicate with them in thai every times I need to go to the bathroom…after long “squirming” for quite sometime following their home cooked meal of course! It would be strange scene indeed taking a child or two with me as you suggested every times I need to “pai theo” and having them sit in front of my bathroom door waiting!

Hi BKK90210,

Thought I'd just mention that "pai theo" means to go out for a walk/look around/shopping or whatever.

"pai yeo" means to go for a piss!

"pai hong nam" ...go to bathroom, a bit nicer way to say it.

YBB

[Youbloodybeauty]

BTW about your post, I know what exactly you mean.

In Oz my wife and I are on our own but when we visit relo's in BKK they think we are a bit weird that we sometimes want time by ourselves.

Often I'll go to the room, turn the aircon onto high and watch a DVD or get onto ThaiVisa or whatever - by myself.

On the otherhand I absolutely love getting out with the relo's and neigbours around a table in the soi with a few bottles of Heinekin and whisky. Mossies biting our legs while all the kids are playing in the soi all around us on bikes and stuff ....fantastic!

Not to mention the wives bringing out loads of curry and stuff for us and the 'Pancake Man' turning up later in the night. Bloody awesome soi!

YBB

[Neeranam]

Excellent post Beachcomber.

You have obviously been here a while and are a good observer.

[Beachcomber]

Excellent post Beachcomber.

You have obviously been here a while and are a good observer.

[skylar]

Lets face it does anyone who says “Nobody in Bangkok wears flip flops or thongs anymore. That's so 90s!” deserve any kind of acknowledgement?

The fact that I am about 25 years younger than yourself and therefore am a little more in tune with contemporary Bangkok? And yes, I was there last year. I brought flip flops in anticipation, but only used them outside of Bangkok. In 2001, people my age wore flip flops to go shopping in. This is no longer the case. People like yourself will always look, but never see. Be an observer. You'll never get anywhere closer. You just belong to a different generation.

Edited to say: And I LIVED there during the 90s. Flip flops was all I wore outside of school! trainers were reserved for school and visiting farang friends.

Edited March 4, 2006 by skylar