I Feel Trapped By.....thai’s Hospitality!

[zzap]

We are all brainwashed into believing we are always in the wrong. Observe the culture, be polite, have respect for my family the list goes on and on. What about our culture? ALL the locals that are involved with a Farang did so voluntarily nobody forced them (except maybe family pressures for young daughter to find rich Farang in Bangkok bar) So why do none of the locals accept OUR culture?

Why? Because they don’t see us as a culture to be respected only as a financial commodity.

They can wait.

Sorry, I don't share this opinion. Most of my friends/acquaintences respect MY culture (for the little they know about it) and make every effort to accomodate it.

But, at the end of the day, I am the only farang in the vicinity, and I have chosen to live within THEIR culture.

Another thought: If it's true that 'they' only respect you as a financial commodity, what does this say about yourself? - not very flattering, is it?

....10 – 20 years you will be gone but your money and what you have done will still be here.

I hope it will be the other way around.

[kayo]

When I stopped giving my family money all that crap stopped.

:D

Excellent post Beachcomber.

You have obviously been here a while and are a good observer.

I'm with neeranam on this one. Good show BeachCo.

Lets face it does anyone who says “Nobody in Bangkok wears flip flops or thongs anymore. That's so 90s!” deserve any kind of acknowledgement?

The fact that I am about 25 years younger than yourself and therefore am a little more in tune with contemporary Bangkok? And yes, I was there last year. I brought flip flops in anticipation, but only used them outside of Bangkok. In 2001, people my age wore flip flops to go shopping in. This is no longer the case. People like yourself will always look, but never see. Be an observer. You'll never get anywhere closer. You just belong to a different generation.

Edited to say: And I LIVED there during the 90s. Flip flops was all I wore outside of school! trainers were reserved for school and visiting farang friends.

Aaaaannnnnnd....... GO BeachGO!

I am reserving the right to let somebody more eloquent and educated get this one... ... BTW, "trainers were reserved for school" erm.. .shoes not good enough, then???

Back on topic, I can very much relate to the OP too. I generally would quite happily put up with a lot of hospitality, but I with time, and calm quite explanations, I just emphasised to my friends that I am quite a solitary person for a couple of hours a day, and that was eventually respected enough.

But I did loose a bit of face in my explanations, no matter how calm and quiet they were.

Edited March 4, 2006 by kayo

[rishi]

I can recognize my own experiences in the OP's description. However, except for the first couple of times I visited my wife's family, I' haven't had the problem.

What did I do? Well, I merely explained to my wife, that I really enjoyed taking a walk on my own and I really enjoyed lying on the couch upstairs, reading a book, while she, they and the rest of the neighborhod were having get-to-gethers downstairs.

Since then, I can have the time I need on my own - just about. They can't help it, but once in a while they have to check whether I might wish a bear, whether I might wish a coconut (freshly butchered by the 76 year old family head) or whether i might wish some kind of company --- or whatever, they might think a human being might need.

Money has never been an issue, they know that the allowance I give my wife is supposed to cover her family needs - so she's the one they have to "negotiate" with. The extra gift, I occasionally might feel like giving, depends on my wellbeing which, they understand, depends on me being left alone, when I say that's what I wish.

Ofcourse I take care to socialize sufficiantly to prove, that it isn't because I don't like them, I go on my own. I't's just because I'm a farlang, and we farlangs, do have different preferences than they have. They understand and they accept!

We're talking about a "standard" rural Thai-family that by no means can have an understanding of farlang ways that differs much from any other "standard" rural Thai family's understanding of farlang ways.... They propably don't understand it the least, but they do accept it, nevertheless...

I think, the (one and only) proper way to communicate your cultural difference to the Thais, eliminating possible offence-taking, is via some "go-between" who is familiar with both partee's background - be it your wife, your GF, a Thai friend or whatever...

[skylar]

I am reserving the right to let somebody more eloquent and educated get this one... ... BTW, "trainers were reserved for school" erm.. .shoes not good enough, then???

No, 'shoes' were not good enough. The BO emanating from plastic Bata shoes on a daily basis would be horrific. Leather school shoes were not sold in Thailand 15 years ago. Moreover, there is no reason to bother when it is not compulsory. You know nothing of contemporary Thai youth and farang youth in Thailand and it shows. The bar scene is only one of the many facets of Thailand, and naturally being in different situations produce different experiences.

Perhaps Beachcomber is only a guest in Thailand because he only 'observes', but doesn't try to fit in. Thailand's society is very much a group society... surely he must have 'observed' this by now... and it sounds to me he actually enjoys his situation and has a whinge once in a while. If he wants his money siphoned off, surely that is up to him. If he can't control his wallet, it's his choice and his own problem. :D :D

[Misplaced]

I am reserving the right to let somebody more eloquent and educated get this one... ... BTW, "trainers were reserved for school" erm.. .shoes not good enough, then???

Leather school shoes were not sold in Thailand 15 years ago.

Uumm you are quite wrong on this issue. I didn't have any problem finding leather shoes back than.. May be you weren't old enough to noticed?

[BKK90210]

Lets face it does anyone who says “Nobody in Bangkok wears flip flops or thongs anymore. That's so 90s!” deserve any kind of acknowledgement?

The fact that I am about 25 years younger than yourself and therefore am a little more in tune with contemporary Bangkok? And yes, I was there last year. I brought flip flops in anticipation, but only used them outside of Bangkok. In 2001, people my age wore flip flops to go shopping in. This is no longer the case. People like yourself will always look, but never see. Be an observer. You'll never get anywhere closer. You just belong to a different generation.

Edited to say: And I LIVED there during the 90s. Flip flops was all I wore outside of school! trainers were reserved for school and visiting farang friends.

Skylar: Which school did you go to? Mine was St. John in BKK

You're right about the sneaker. I only wore the white sneaker during PE/Gym class which's only once a week, black leather shoes for normal school hours, and...yes, the famous flipflops - for the rest of the time outside school. Chula first year also have manatory white sneaker during school time.

PS: Did you have to cut your hair short too?...Mine was very short short - got to get it above the collar! I didn't want to keep mine long coz couldn't stand using those ugly preset colors ribbon of white, black, brown, or blue only!

[Tippaporn]

Wow! It always amazes me how different the experiences of some are to mine. I love the hospitality but have never felt that it was stifling in any way. Hmmmm. And I certainly never felt that the friendliness was due to associating me with money. Hmmmm. Perhaps some people have problems asserting themselves?

The only thing I ever felt that was overly pushed upon me was food. And then only by the wifey because she thought I was too thin. It's still puzzling to me how a 44 kg. woman can eat more than me.

[GuestHouse]

At some time we all need to experience Thailand in our own way, have the freedom to come and go as we please, eat where and when we want, take off and explore.

If that doesn't happen or is being prevented from happening because of Thai friends/family 'taking care of everything', then at some time you'll become totally dependent on them, hopelessly lost if someone else is not sorting your life out.

Make time for friends and family, keep the rest of your time for yourself.

[skylar]

I had some friends who went to St John's... they were lovely. ต้องการไปโรงเรียนนานาชาติ...

which is why I didn't have to cut my hair, and didn't have to wear proper shoes. School shoes being 'Clarks' like shoes; t-bar or 'Mary Jane' type shoes I suppose. Where did you buy your leather school shoes? The only school shoes (Misplaced, shoes for school, not leather shoes in general) produced en masse that I knew of were Bata, which were plastic.

[NamKAheng]

It is also my experience but not for the money side because my Thai family is more wealthy than me and I am still working in Canada and I have a very good paying job. Most of them are high ranking civil servant at TOT and EGAT and the second generation are working there to.

When I am around them I can't take any money out of my pocket and paying for thing they should not be paying for, for example, we want at a big temple fair and when I went in the temple I left my leather sandals at this entrance and when I got out they were gone, someone steal them. They were very scandalize that a Thai can do that to a foreigner guest so they bring me bare foot at the Central store so I can buy a other pair. At Central they recount the story to the sale guy and Central gave a 25 % rebate on them because they were steal from a temple. When it was time to pay I give them my credit card but I was not able to pay for them, sister-in-law who is the boss of the family because she is the oldest and the mother and father past away, took charge and she made sure that the sale guy understand SHE was the elder and the boss so they did not let me pay for them.

Don't forget the extended family, when I am in Bangkok and I need to go to the airport or going to see relative in Pattaya we have to take the cousin cab and sister-in-law make very sure that I will not get a satang out to pay for the taxi, one time leaving for Pattaya I saw the cousin on his knees in the house in front of the BOSS and she make him swear that he will not take a satang from me and that SHE will pay for the ride and give him a good tip. For him she is the elder and she is wealthy so she is the BOSS. The cousin is not very wealthy with his taxi but he is a hard worker, he don't drink and he make a living for his wike and two kids, the only thing he accept from me are gifts that we buy for the children.

P.S. You should see the underneath of my feet when I went to Central to buy the new sandals after walking in Khrung Thep bare feet

[Neeranam]

It is also my experience but not for the money side because my Thai family is more wealthy than me and I am still working in Canada and I have a very good paying job.

You wouldn't happen to have property in Canada, would you?

[zzap]

Neeranam, during your (how many years?) stay in Thailand, how much money have you lost to scheming relatives?

Show some hard figures or stop being so cynical.

[bkkmadness]

Neeranam, during your (how many years?) stay in Thailand, how much money have you lost to scheming relatives?

Show some hard figures or stop being so cynical.

Well Said!

[BKK90210]

I had some friends who went to St John's... they were lovely. ต้องการไปโรงเรียนนานาชาติ...

which is why I didn't have to cut my hair, and didn't have to wear proper shoes. School shoes being 'Clarks' like shoes; t-bar or 'Mary Jane' type shoes I suppose. Where did you buy your leather school shoes? The only school shoes (Misplaced, shoes for school, not leather shoes in general) produced en masse that I knew of were Bata, which were plastic.

Leather school shoes - Mostly at Banglumpu ka. There should be plenty to them for sale about a month before your first day. First day for the private school, including my St. John, was at the end of May and public school was sometime middle of June at that time.

Also we used to lived in Bangkapi and always had to go to either Banglumpu or Prahurat to buy fabrics for the school uniform. The reason?...well…I would say good foods, good prices, and be able to browse through Sanamlueang weekend market (before they moved the market to Chatuchak) for my used math tricks books

[Tippaporn]

Neeranam, during your (how many years?) stay in Thailand, how much money have you lost to scheming relatives?

Show some hard figures or stop being so cynical.

Well Said!

I've been waiting for someone to get on Neeranam's case! Always raining!

[Beachcomber]

Sorry SKYLAR I was working up to full throttle with the OP when suddenly there was this fashion police swoop about footwear in Bangkok. As my name might suggest flip-flops are the main footwear, only thing for the beach, though I do have special “going to town” sandals that are used for visits to immigration and visa runs. These I wear without socks. Hope that is acceptable.

I keep forgetting that Farangs actually live in Bangkok and some actually have jobs so their dress code is obviously important. Well I left all that long time ago but will try to do better and remember how important it used to be. Perhaps we could start a “Fashion Police” group then people could post what they are wearing that day and the rest of us could comment and give helpful advice.

Getting back to the OP. Obviously everybody has had different experiences so will have different opinions. I would bet that the majority of posts on this or any other forum is about money problems with Thai family.

NEERANAM Nothing wrong with being cynical. The amount of money involved is not the point it is to do with the respect you are given. There have been posters here, obviously with too much money, (OK you can’t have too much) crying onto their keyboards about how the whole extended family is taking advantage of them and their “generosity” I don’t see any respect there. Shame on his wife they are the new family now and she should be at HIS side.

I think a total stranger reading through these forums would get cynical without even coming here.

Personally I don’t worry too much about it. When I first came to LOS and had some money I had a no complaints. The lady friends I had then were all “working” girls, though amazingly all of them had only just started “working”.

That’s OK they were fun to be with, kept the fridge stocked, cooked and cleaned and generally took good care of me. I in return took care of them and some of their immediate family. A fair arrangement all round but not to be taken seriously. When eventually they found someone fresh off the boat with more money they moved on.

Maybe most of the TV posters are settled into a relationship and don’t get out much any more so only know what’s going on out there via the forum posts. That is bad enough but some of the stories that can be heard over a few beers about guys that hardly have time to work up a suntan before they get fleeced would make you cry.

Do Farang girls in relationships with Thai guys get the same kind of treatment? Are there disrespected female ATM’s out there?

[skylar]

Sorry SKYLAR I was working up to full throttle with the OP when suddenly there was this fashion police swoop about footwear in Bangkok. As my name might suggest flip-flops are the main footwear, only thing for the beach, though I do have special “going to town” sandals that are used for visits to immigration and visa runs. These I wear without socks. Hope that is acceptable.

I keep forgetting that Farangs actually live in Bangkok and some actually have jobs so their dress code is obviously important. Well I left all that long time ago but will try to do better and remember how important it used to be. Perhaps we could start a “Fashion Police” group then people could post what they are wearing that day and the rest of us could comment and give helpful advice.

That's okay I just hope your sandals are not of the velcro variety, and that your toe hair is trimmed as well as your toenails. It's important in Bangkok to be 'riab roy'; I can't really comment on anywhere else as I only ever lived in Bangkok.

The fashion idea sounds useful... maybe not just related to clothes but also to acessories and fads that are popping up amongst men, women and children to help us keep in touch with contemporary Thailand. I've seen a few on here - braces, Harrods shopping bags and perms to name a few...