Are We Doomed? (or Am I Crazy?)

[swissmiss]

Hi, I'm new to this forum but I've been reading for a while.

There's a wealth of knowledge here about Thai culture and thai/farang relationships... so maybe I can learn from your experiences.

My story

I'm a single, 33 year old engineer. I live/work in Switzerland now, but I'm American.

Last year I worked in Thailand for 6 months on a project and while I fell in love with Thailand, I also fell in love with a 27 year old Thai electrician. Only in the last two months that I was there did we start dating. We got along together really well and I could definitely see myself staying with him for a long time. *sigh*

I went back to visit him in February for 2 weeks, met more of his family and friends. We keep in touch every day by email, text message, and phone... I plan to go back for a short visit soon.

This is the trouble -- he's relatively poor.

Although he's educated in a trade and has a good job, he basically gives all his money to his family to help support them. He's the oldest son and lives at home. His family is very sweet and loving. I can accept this and even sort of admire it.

But that means most financial contributions to the relationship come from me.

He never has asked me for money and he pays for small things when he can, but it's logical -- I have the extra money and he doesn't. I've had to convince him a few times that - really - it's OK. I'd love for him to come and visit me here, but if we wait for him to save 30,000 Bht for a plane ticket, it will never happen!

I'm SO not used to a situation like this.

I've had enough single-girl insecurities when I've been with western men, but I've never had to worry about them being with me for my money.

But when I think about my thai guy, it's like my heart smiles and I've never met a western guy quite like him. he makes me feel so good and we have so much fun together.

I can't afford to quit my job and move to Thailand.

Visiting 2-3 times a year is not the kind of relationship I want.

Am I crazy for thinking about bringing him to Switzerland? Or the US?

How can I even do that unless we get married? (I'm not ready for that yet!)

What if he hates it?

What if he can't find a job in his field?

What if he can't find a job at all?

Is it too much burden on his manhood for me to pay the bills?

Could a situation like this work out?

Am I analyzing this too much?

If you've gotten this far, I thank you for reading the thoughts in my head.

I appreciate any comments you have, good or bad.

Thank you!

[TRIPxCORE]

Well before you go getting all crazy about this lets start with some basic fact first. Unless he is a rich Thai person, which you have clearly stated he is not, then he will have a very hard time getting a visa to go visit you in Europe and especially in the U.S. The U.S. does not give visitor visas for Thai people unless they are rich. The only way to bring him to the U.S. with you is to apply for a fiance visa which makes you promise to marry him within 3 months. If you do not, they will deport him.

As for the rest of the situation, thats really up to you. Most of the men on here are used to dealing with this type of situation as a lot of us have married Thai women that have no real money either. So we are the sole supporters. Its a more common situation for men than it is for women but thats the way it is. All I could say is that if you truly love the guy then the money should not be an issue. If your not sure about it yet, you'll just have to keep visiting him until you know your true feelings on the matter.

[LaoPo]

Swissmiss, welcome to the forum!

Before you react to any of the posts coming to you (and they will come....like mine ) I suggest to wait for the comments of the Ladies on this forum. Some Ladies are married to Thai men as well or have a relationship)

I myself, as a man, would suggest to overcome your hesitations (money-related) and invite him to come (if that's a possibility with Visa for La Suisse ) over and see how the two of you are going along and see/act from there.

The fact that he has a decent job and hands most of his money to his family, shows he has a good heart....and that's very important in the Far East!

You also mentioned: "This is the trouble -- he's relatively poor"

True, but that's because he works/live in Thailand. I'm sure that if he would have been born in the West (USA-Switserland) he would have made quite a substantial income.... maybe more than you, and thus.....

And you also wrote: "But when I think about my thai guy, it's like my heart smiles and I've never met a western guy quite like him. he makes me feel so good and we have so much fun together."

Isn't it just that, what it is all about in life?

Good luck to both of you.

LaoPo

Edited March 11, 2006 by LaoPo

[seville]

Hi Swissmiss,

Welcome!!! He sounds like a really sweet man. Time is going to be your answer here.

You don't live in your home country and it has already been mentioned that if you want to bring him to the states your going to have to get married.

Keep going like your going and if you can fly him out for a visit then do it. Be careful with his heart.

My experience with Thai Men is they fall in love hard and fast. I've listened to many a sad tale of not being able to be with a girlfriend.

Follow your heart, it's going to be a lot easier for you to move to Thailand then for him to move to the U.S.

Good Luck

[Misplaced]

Welcome to the forum!.

From reading your post, I believe this is a temporary infatuation. It'll past. Sorry if I sounded pesimistic.

Being born in Thiland myself, let me tell you what I think he'll miss the most "if" you both decided that its best for him to relocate to be closer to you. Simply "HIS FAMILY", This is very important to most Thai people, and its obviously it'll be important to him since he's a good family man. I highly doubt that he'll be able to adjust living on the other side of the world without them. He might be able to supressed his feeling for short period of time, but in the end, his parents, brother, sister will always stand in the way of his relationship with you.

Financial aspect is another matter, so I won't go there as of yet.

With that being said, I think you should enjoy each other and keep an open mind on your relationship. Time will tell if you both are meant for each other.

Good luck to you both. Puppy love at our age is still so cute.

[BKK90210]

My advice is….enjoy while it lasts, who know where this is heading. Don’t think too much at the moment. Take this relationship slowly you wouldn’t want to rush into things that will cause you to regret them later. Puppy love happened to everybody but the true love is hard to come by for most of us. It takes time to cultivate the true love.

If you two meant for each other, with time your puppy love experienced with him will grow to deeper feeling of caring love “the unconditional love”, not just to him as a person but every aspect of his creation such as….. learning to accept his poor family, his poor background, his friends, and his thai culture.

The financial and educational backgrounds will have no bearing in the true loving relationship.

GOOD LUCK

BKK

[britmaveric]

True love has no bounds.. if you two are on the level then I think you'll find a way to make it work. Goodluck.

[Boo]

I don't think that thai's need a visa to visit switzerland for a holiday? Might be worth checking out for a visit to see how you get on.

Personally I never married for money (good job really he isn't good at making any but I am) I don't need a man for money & hubby is enlightened enough to not have any hang ups about me earning more. I don't send anything to his family but am happy for him to send part of his salary.

It really dpends on your mentality about money, if it is really important to have partner with lots of money then this guy probably isn't for you but if you can handle being the main breadwinner & he is as great as you say, then see how it goes & get him to CH for a visit.

As someone else said though, his family could be the spanner in the works, if his commitment to looking after his family is his top priority then the realtionship will only work if you can live in Thailand.

Love isn't easy

[sbk]

Swissmiss, Welcome to the forum!

Does your boyfriend own his own house? does he own land, have a job? Then it wouldn't necessarily be impossible for him to get a visa if he can show substantial ties to Thailand.

That said, it seems he does have substantial ties, if he is the main person taking care of his family. He sounds like a good son so I doubt you'd be able to get him to consider moving away.

Remember, wealth is relative, in Thailand he probably does quite well for himself and unless you choose to make the economic differences significant I don't see that he would have any problems himself.

I'd do like Boo suggested, check out Swiss visa rules, maybe he could come visit you there?

[TRIPxCORE]

I don't think that thai's need a visa to visit switzerland for a holiday? Might be worth checking out for a visit to see how you get on.

Sorry Boo, they do need one. Here are the visa rules for them:

/ 12MAR06 / 0351 UTC

National THAILAND (TH) /Destination SWITZERLAND (CH)

SWITZERLAND (CH)

Passport (must be valid at least 3 months beyond period of

intended stay) and visa required.

However, if holding a valid Schengen entry visa endorsed

Etats Schengen and multiple entry : visa not required

for a stay of max. 3 months.

Visitor must hold all documents required for next destination.

If entering on one-way ticket, see For details, click here - Item 4

for further information.

If on business visit exceeding 8 days within a consecutive

period of 3 months, passenger should contact the local Police

dept., Foreign Control.

Passenger is under no circumstances allowed to take up paid

employment.

WARNING: For passengers arriving at Basle/Mulhouse or Geneva

airports, please see: For details, click here item 2.

[sylvafern]

Hi Swissmiss,

I have an American friend who took her Thai boyfriend back to the states to live with her. He went in on a fiancee visa an d got married within the three months. However, they were already engaged and had been living together for years before hand so it wasn't really an issue. He was also an engineer sending money to his family and found it really difficult in the States at first as he wasn't able to find work for a long time. He got depressed about this but eventually found work in a Thai restautant (proved impossible to find work in his feild) and joined a Sepak Takraw team (Thai national sport) and now represents the US in international events! As far as I know he's really happy now, but I would say it took at least 6 months for him to feel settled. If you do go down the track of taking your man to the States with you, do expect for there to be some culture shocks and difficulties settling in. However, right now it seems as if that should be something you should be thinking about for the future - at least several years into the future I would think. Even if you feel it's the right thing for you to do now, I think you would have a pretty hard time getting visas. My friends had to go through a tough application process which included seperate interviews and months of waiting before they found out if he could get the visa. It is probably only because they knew each other very well and had been living together for a long time that they passed the application.

By the way, although your guy seems poor to you, in Thai terms, as an engineer, he probably earns a reasonable salary compared to most.

[Totster]

Ok... not a long answer from me... I'm not very good at them.. but..

Follow your heart.. if he is the one, then everything else can be overcome.. really !

Good luck and best wishes

totster

[swissmiss]

Thanks everyone for the advice and the comments!

I would love to bring him here to Switzerland -- I think it would be a lot easier than trying to get him to the States. So it's something we'll work on. The biggest obstacle I see is him trying to take off work.

I have just started to look into US Visa and such... wow. If it wasn't my home country, I'm not sure I'd ever want to visit! But I know that's a whole topic in itself.

As for calling him poor, I didn't mean to imply I think negatively about that. I know it's only relative. I was asking more along the lines of it bothering HIM that he can't "take care" of me monetarily, because otherwise I have NO problem with it... and I have to admit that those bad stories about thai women taking rich western men to the cleaners scared me a little.

How did you all get to Thailand? because of love? jobs?

I'd for sure consider living there, but it's not in my budget yet.

Thanks again to all for the responses!

[Totster]

Thanks everyone for the advice and the comments!

I would love to bring him here to Switzerland -- I think it would be a lot easier than trying to get him to the States. So it's something we'll work on. The biggest obstacle I see is him trying to take off work.

I have just started to look into US Visa and such... wow. If it wasn't my home country, I'm not sure I'd ever want to visit! But I know that's a whole topic in itself.

As for calling him poor, I didn't mean to imply I think negatively about that. I know it's only relative. I was asking more along the lines of it bothering HIM that he can't "take care" of me monetarily, because otherwise I have NO problem with it... and I have to admit that those bad stories about thai women taking rich western men to the cleaners scared me a little.

How did you all get to Thailand? because of love? jobs?

I'd for sure consider living there, but it's not in my budget yet.

Thanks again to all for the responses!

Swiss Miss... I Think Thai citizens can go to Switzerland on a visa on arrival... I may be wrong.. I just remember something.

And also. if he has a regular job and a bank account to reflect that, a visitors visa is a possibilty

totster

[miamia]

Hello Swissmiss,

Just a quick question out of curiosity. As I was reading through your post I couldnt help but notice that the description you gave of your man is very very familiar to that of someone i know. It is most likely a coincidence but he is of same age, same occupation, same family situation, same personality description. May I ask where in Thailand you met him???

Thanks heaps

[sylvafern]

What type of work do you do? It is possible to earn good money in Thailand but only in certain professions ... e.g. teaching (international school), hotel management, etc.

[seonai]

SwissMiss is an Engineer the Thai bf is an electrician !!!!!

[TRIPxCORE]

I posted the visa rules for Thai nationals going to Switzerland in my last post here. Please go reference it before taking any erroneous information.

[uberflight]

I logged in to see about getting more information about living in Thailand and stumbled accross this.

I live in America and know little about Thai people's social customs. Feel free to ignore anything I say.

My story

I'm a single, 33 year old engineer. I live/work in Switzerland now, but I'm American.

What's it like in Switzerland compared to the US? (general curiousity)

Last year I worked in Thailand for 6 months on a project and while I fell in love with Thailand, I also fell in love with a 27 year old Thai electrician. Only in the last two months that I was there did we start dating. We got along together really well and I could definitely see myself staying with him for a long time. *sigh*

So you went to an exotic land (exotic to westerners, or maybe just me.) and met someone. I bring up this point as I have traveled around to art shows (artist mea culpa). During those trips I felt more free than I normally do, and far less reserved. What is the point: If you continue to feel the same after a certain amount of time (the time it takes to allow the unusual-ness, of the situation in which you met, to fade), then there is something that you value there.

I could very well be off base here. I am not prone to emotional responses as most people seem to be.

This is the trouble -- he's relatively poor.

Although he's educated in a trade and has a good job, he basically gives all his money to his family to help support them. He's the oldest son and lives at home. His family is very sweet and loving. I can accept this and even sort of admire it.

I have read that this is a very strong social custom (in most asian communities). Much more so than in the west. There is no such thing as nursing homes etc. Family units are a life long thing

Someone here who is Thai should give a verification. or an exact answer here. (Khorb khun in advance. Sorry I do not know Thai characters)

I'm SO not used to a situation like this.

I've had enough single-girl insecurities when I've been with western men, but I've never had to worry about them being with me for my money.

But when I think about my thai guy, it's like my heart smiles and I've never met a western guy quite like him. he makes me feel so good and we have so much fun together.

I can't afford to quit my job and move to Thailand.

Visiting 2-3 times a year is not the kind of relationship I want.

Am I crazy for thinking about bringing him to Switzerland? Or the US?

How can I even do that unless we get married? (I'm not ready for that yet!)

What if he hates it?

What if he can't find a job in his field?

What if he can't find a job at all?

Is it too much burden on his manhood for me to pay the bills?

Could a situation like this work out?

Am I analyzing this too much?

If you've gotten this far, I thank you for reading the thoughts in my head.

I appreciate any comments you have, good or bad.

Thank you!

Ah memories of listening to my sisters.

As far as insecurity. Be objective. Know what you value. Know why you value it. Knowledge removes insecurity.

I wish you well and that all works out for the best.

Crotchety old geezer signing off

[Doza]

There are lots of jobs for engineers in Thailand and the region with large MN companies. Especially in oil and gas but also general contruction.

Why don't you do some research and think about relocating? Packages can be very good for an OS hire. Try recruitment companies based here such as Manarco and others.