Can Wife Have Her Secret Bank Account

[maikauzai]

Hi, guys,

I have a maybe stupid thought but I can’t find the answer. I have never been married, so I don’t know how couples manage their family’s finances. Can a wife stash away money from her husband? Let’s say the husband is the bread earner. They have a joined bank account and little by little the wife takes money away from this account and put the money in her secret bank account. Does anyone know such a thing? Not necessarily in Thailand, but can happen anywhere.

Your comments, please.

[siamesekitty]

Of course she could! All she has to do is open up a savings account in her name at any bank, incredibly easy to do (if she's a Thai national of course)

[sierra01]

It would depend on why she's saving the money, for personal reasons would be a no no, for 'us' is ok. I used to do it with my ex, I'd save bits and bobs when I could, then surprise her with a present, nice meal out somewhere, suddenly find the money for an unexpected bill, or something like that.

[tavarich]

My ex in the states pulled that one. I was lucky enough to find out about it. When the divorce came down and we had to show all money and accounts. She did not state that she had the secret account. When the judge found out at the hearing I ended up getting it in the settlement as he was not happy about being lied to. The system works ---------------->sometimes

[Boo]

Anyone could open a separate account & stash money away. If you give your wife an allowance she might be putting some aside. Do you tick-back the shopping bill every week? If she works, do you account for her every penny, if you don't, how do you know where the money goes! Very easy to do. But she may get pissed off if you start questioning her ever penny spent. Does she monitor what you spend?

I personally have 4 bank acocunts, one for bills, one for my own monthly spending & 2 savings accounts, one for emergency funds & one not to be touched. My husband has his own bank account & after giving me money for his share of the expenses, his money is his own, I have no problem if he wants to stash it away & he doesn't know or care what I do with my excess cash. We both earn our own money & although I earn more & pay more towards expenses, neither one of us controls what the other does with the remaining money.

[sierra01]

Hi, guys,

I have a maybe stupid thought but I can’t find the answer. I have never been married, so I don’t know how couples manage their family’s finances. Can a wife stash away money from her husband? Let’s say the husband is the bread earner. They have a joined bank account and little by little the wife takes money away from this account and put the money in her secret bank account. Does anyone know such a thing? Not necessarily in Thailand, but can happen anywhere.

Your comments, please.

I should have asked this earlier, but why would she want a secret 'account', why doesn't she want hubby to know?

[gisele]

Hi, guys,

I have a maybe stupid thought but I can’t find the answer. I have never been married, so I don’t know how couples manage their family’s finances. Can a wife stash away money from her husband? Let’s say the husband is the bread earner. They have a joined bank account and little by little the wife takes money away from this account and put the money in her secret bank account. Does anyone know such a thing? Not necessarily in Thailand, but can happen anywhere.

Your comments, please.

I should have asked this earlier, but why would she want a secret 'account', why doesn't she want hubby to know?

Independence/ Insurance/security/reassurance/peace of mind/

i.e. :what if the relationship sours and she needs to get away.

Here's a little story: I am sure this is not your situation but this happened to my best friend back in Canada, she had no money since her husband withdrew all the money nfrom their joint account to pay off debts (gambling, drinking) she was unaware of, and after years of living in fear of him (mean man when drunk) she had to leave in the middle of the night, had to leave everything behind.

My point is that any woman who has had this happen to her or someone she cares for might feel the need to protect herself, just in case.

Just my thoughts on this subject.

[sierra01]

Hi, guys,

I have a maybe stupid thought but I can’t find the answer. I have never been married, so I don’t know how couples manage their family’s finances. Can a wife stash away money from her husband? Let’s say the husband is the bread earner. They have a joined bank account and little by little the wife takes money away from this account and put the money in her secret bank account. Does anyone know such a thing? Not necessarily in Thailand, but can happen anywhere.

Your comments, please.

I should have asked this earlier, but why would she want a secret 'account', why doesn't she want hubby to know?

Independence/ Insurance/security/reassurance/peace of mind/

i.e. :what if the relationship sours and she needs to get away.

Here's a little story: I am sure this is not your situation but this happened to my best friend back in Canada, she had no money since her husband withdrew all the money nfrom their joint account to pay off debts (gambling, drinking) she was unaware of, and after years of living in fear of him (mean man when drunk) she had to leave in the middle of the night, had to leave everything behind.

My point is that any woman who has had this happen to her or someone she cares for might feel the need to protect herself, just in case.

Just my thoughts on this subject.

OK, I take your point. I presume you would have no problem if your husband had a secret account then?

When a marriage breaks up it's usually the husband that just manages to keep the shirt on his back, maybe all of us hubby's should get our own secret account

[bina]

it need not be secret, just separate:

my mother told me when i got married to open a 'his' account, an 'our' account and 'my' account.... he refused (kibbutz budget comes under mans name for both partners in one lump so ....

i didnt, and now, three years + later, he has all the money that was in our 'off the kibbutz' account, i have nothing but my kibbutz budget (one and a half ubdgets since im a mother of children also) ... NEVER AGAIN

some other variations: an issaan friend had his money go to his wifes account for three years, and now switched to sending money to his account (she bought land, now he wants to improve their house)...; other men have told me they turn over the money to mom, and give 'allowance' to wife, and wife works, she keeps her own money, etc etc.....

[gisele]

Hi, guys,

I have a maybe stupid thought but I can’t find the answer. I have never been married, so I don’t know how couples manage their family’s finances. Can a wife stash away money from her husband? Let’s say the husband is the bread earner. They have a joined bank account and little by little the wife takes money away from this account and put the money in her secret bank account. Does anyone know such a thing? Not necessarily in Thailand, but can happen anywhere.

Your comments, please.

I should have asked this earlier, but why would she want a secret 'account', why doesn't she want hubby to know?

Independence/ Insurance/security/reassurance/peace of mind/

i.e. :what if the relationship sours and she needs to get away.

Here's a little story: I am sure this is not your situation but this happened to my best friend back in Canada, she had no money since her husband withdrew all the money nfrom their joint account to pay off debts (gambling, drinking) she was unaware of, and after years of living in fear of him (mean man when drunk) she had to leave in the middle of the night, had to leave everything behind.

My point is that any woman who has had this happen to her or someone she cares for might feel the need to protect herself, just in case.

Just my thoughts on this subject.

OK, I take your point. I presume you would have no problem if your husband had a secret account then?

When a marriage breaks up it's usually the husband that just manages to keep the shirt on his back, maybe all of us hubby's should get our own secret account

The poster is asking why a woman would have a secret account.

My opinion on why men would have a secret account would be different.

I agree with Bina, it does not have to be a secret account but rather a separate account however if the woman has trust issues with her mate or because of previous relationships it is not unreasonable that she would need a secret account.

I know I need to have my own accounts. I love my husband dearly but life is full of surprises. Better be prepared than sorry.

[sierra01]

The poster is asking why a woman would have a secret account.

My opinion on why men would have a secret account would be different.

I agree with Bina, it does not have to be a secret account but rather a separate account however if the woman has trust issues with her mate or because of previous relationships it is not unreasonable that she would need a secret account.

I know I need to have my own accounts. I love my husband dearly but life is full of surprises. Better be prepared than sorry.

So whats good for the goose isn't good for the gander?

'I agree with Bina, it does not have to be a secret account but rather a separate account however if the man has trust issues with his mate or because of previous relationships it is not unreasonable that he would need a secret account'. OK by you?

[gisele]

The poster is asking why a woman would have a secret account.

My opinion on why men would have a secret account would be different.

I agree with Bina, it does not have to be a secret account but rather a separate account however if the woman has trust issues with her mate or because of previous relationships it is not unreasonable that she would need a secret account.

I know I need to have my own accounts. I love my husband dearly but life is full of surprises. Better be prepared than sorry.

So whats good for the goose isn't good for the gander?

'I agree with Bina, it does not have to be a secret account but rather a separate account however if the man has trust issues with his mate or because of previous relationships it is not unreasonable that he would need a secret account'. OK by you?

I am only responding to the poster's query about a woman having a secret account.

Maybe you should start a thread about men having a secret accounts then someone will respond to your goading.

[sierra01]

I'm not goading, so why is it that no one answers my questions? You think it's ok for a woman to have a secret account but a man can't have one?

[sbk]

In a nutshell, regardless of whether or not the owner of the secret bank account is male or female the fact that the person feels they need to keep it a secret speaks of an untrustworthy relationship. Either the account keeper does not trust the other partner, or the account keeper is out to cheat the other partner.

Seperate accounts that both people know about is something else entirely and are probably entirely sensible. A friend of mine had all her savings in their joint account cleaned out by her cokehead ex husband. She has had a couple of serious relationships since then but has always kept the finances seperate. Both men knew about this and were fine with it.

I personally don't think it matters either way, man or woman. IMO if there is a need to keep the account secret then there is something seriously flawed in the relationship.

[monochaser]

I say stash cash no matter what. I'm a man but I used to stash cash into a box every week. By the time my 1st marriage ended I had 60K US in the box and boy was I a happy camper. By the time the 2nd marriage ended I had 40K in the box. 1st marriage 5 years, 2nd was 3. Do like the NIKE slogan says and just do it. You'll be glad you did. I'd be a lot poorer now had I not and I would not have been able to retire at 40 and have a 19 y/o long time gf. My 1st wife is now 45 and penniless, the 2nd is 55 and well off in her own right. Me, I'm filthy rich and happy. Those were both US marriages

[sbk]

I say stash cash no matter what. I'm a man but I used to stash cash into a box every week. By the time my 1st marriage ended I had 60K US in the box and boy was I a happy camper. By the time the 2nd marriage ended I had 40K in the box. 1st marriage 5 years, 2nd was 3. Do like the NIKE slogan says and just do it. You'll be glad you did. I'd be a lot poorer now had I not and I would not have been able to retire at 40 and have a 19 y/o long time gf. My 1st wife is now 45 and penniless, the 2nd is 55 and well off in her own right. Me, I'm filthy rich and happy. Those were both US marriages

My point exactly. I have never felt the need to "stash cash" and I have been married 16 years.

If you go into a relationship expecting it to fail, then it will fail. If you go into a relationship expecting to either get ripped off or rip someone off, then the relationship will fail.

[cathyy]

Ah, yes, the secret bank account. It's not usually as nefarious as it sounds, and in fact is completely innocent in most cases. Let me explain.

You usually find these innocent secret accounts when you have a female who is completely dependent financially on her husband. He gives her money for all the household expenses, and usually even buys her most of the things she asks for. The bank account may be joint, but he controls the money. She has no money she can call her own, and no way to purchase anything in the case when her husband says no. It's also sort of a permanent childhood psychologically, having to ask for money. Imagine if you had to ask permission of your spouse to spend any money?

And so, she acquires money of her own. She spends a bit less than the budget allows at the grocery store, and pockets the difference. She saved the money, so it is hers. Or she writes a check for $10 over the amount of the grocery bill. She does this assiduously, and deposits the money in her secret account. This was standard practice in the US in the fifties and early sixties. American men of that era expected their wives to have a stash of money someplace. Heck, my grandma did it with the "egg money," the money of her own she got from raising chickens on their farm and selling the eggs. It is currently very common in Japan, with most women having from $10,000 to $40,000 in their secret accounts and their husband having no clue. Should he lose his job, she'll use that money to help the family out. Should her husband develop a problem with gambling or drugs she'll sit on that money, and try to increase it as fast as she can.

In no way is it typically a preparation for divorce, although it can be used in that way. It's mostly a way for a woman to keep feeling like an adult and have some control over her life. Okay?

[sbk]

In no way is it typically a preparation for divorce, although it can be used in that way. It's mostly a way for a woman to keep feeling like an adult and have some control over her life.

Fair enough Cathyy, how about it is an indicator of mistrust in a relationship where the people involved either feel equal or are treated equally? Any relationship where the man keeps such a tight leash on his wife's spending certainly has issues. Could be she is a gambler or a shopaholic, could be he likes his wife dependent. Either way, it seems quite unhealthy to me.

[Miaow]

I say stash cash no matter what. I'm a man but I used to stash cash into a box every week. By the time my 1st marriage ended I had 60K US in the box and boy was I a happy camper. By the time the 2nd marriage ended I had 40K in the box. 1st marriage 5 years, 2nd was 3. Do like the NIKE slogan says and just do it. You'll be glad you did. I'd be a lot poorer now had I not and I would not have been able to retire at 40 and have a 19 y/o long time gf. My 1st wife is now 45 and penniless, the 2nd is 55 and well off in her own right. Me, I'm filthy rich and happy. Those were both US marriages

My point exactly. I have never felt the need to "stash cash" and I have been married 16 years.

If you go into a relationship expecting it to fail, then it will fail. If you go into a relationship expecting to either get ripped off or rip someone off, then the relationship will fail.

Sometimes people do go in relationships expecting it to last 4 ever, but it still fails anyway..I always stash cash, not that i expect my marriage to fail, but like Gisele said, life sure is full of surprises, whatever they can be. I guess it depends on your intentions, if you are to stash cash in order to cheat someone is another story, but anyway, it's always good to have some cash handy, in case of war, ATM problems, bla bla bla bla bla etc etc etc...

[sbk]

I don't think seperate accounts is a problem at all, but I do think that if one partner feels the need to hide them from the other then that is an indicator that there is a lack of trust or openness in the relationship.

[bina]

i can only re iterate: i should have listened to mom: separate accounts!!!

u see on kibbutz the budget is given to u as a FAMILY, two adults, plus an additional amount per child under 18 dependant on age (as child gets older they get their own budget so lyour amount is reduced to a small measly amount for buying gifts etc for the child, the child gets his/her own budget for clothing shoes food fun etc ) .... so.... often people fight over how much the husband or wife spends because there is no control over the amount (work 5 housr or 15 the budget stays the same)...

so now i live off my budget of mature adult + 1/4, and the small amount for my 18 yr old, my 16 yr old and the full amount for my 12 yr old... and that's it... the kibbutz didnt involve itself in our off kibbutz account so they couldnt help me keep some of it, and the kibbutz provides the lawyer for divorce for both parties, so interests get confused....

ANYWAY.... now i know better: i also stash cash, since if there is ever a chance that i remarry and move to thailand w/bf, my outside account could be 'confiscated' by the court for 'the good of my minor aged child/ren' if my ex so decides to push in that direction, in which case i am penniless for the most part....

i must say that Anon handed over 1000 nis in cash from his hard work, proving once again that not all thai men are lazy, butterfly, money spenders but can be super serious, committed (obsessed?) and protective... he is coming out to me this weekend at serious risk of being caught (visa thing), since i am going to do a D/C ... and he wont hear me say no!!!

live and learn: i never thought my ex would become an a...h... about these things but a bitter man changes his previous attitudes just as a woman can ....

[GuestHouse]

If I thought I needed to keep an account secret from my wife I would not have married her.

And here's an observation - I NEVER TRUST PEOPLE WHO LOCK THINGS AWAY.

Take care of stuff/money for sure, locking it away secretly - get some help and don't get married until you have.

[gburns57au]

In a nutshell, regardless of whether or not the owner of the secret bank account is male or female the fact that the person feels they need to keep it a secret speaks of an untrustworthy relationship. Either the account keeper does not trust the other partner, or the account keeper is out to cheat the other partner.

Seperate accounts that both people know about is something else entirely and are probably entirely sensible. A friend of mine had all her savings in their joint account cleaned out by her cokehead ex husband. She has had a couple of serious relationships since then but has always kept the finances seperate. Both men knew about this and were fine with it.

I personally don't think it matters either way, man or woman. IMO if there is a need to keep the account secret then there is something seriously flawed in the relationship.

The best post yet....I agree

[Sheryl]

Yes, I'm with SBK. There should not be a reason to keep a bank account secret and if there is, there's a problem.

Also agree tho that separate accounts are a very good idea, as is working out a clear understanding about family finances that ensures that bills are paid and also that each partner has some funds to call their own and do with as they like.

That said, it does sometimes happen that one finds oneself in a mariage with a serious problem, and if in that situation and if the partner is not willing to accept you having your own bank account (in itself proof there's a problem) or is likely to hound you endlessly for the money, then in addition to working on the problems one would be well advised to secrete some funds away. And if it's a drinking/physical abuse type problem, include not just money in the bank but some cash hidden in the house or at a good friend's nearby in case you need to make an emergency exit. But these are stop-gap measures only...don't stay in a marriage with those kind of troubles! Either get the problems resolved or get out.

[cathyy]

In no way is it typically a preparation for divorce, although it can be used in that way. It's mostly a way for a woman to keep feeling like an adult and have some control over her life.

Fair enough Cathyy, how about it is an indicator of mistrust in a relationship where the people involved either feel equal or are treated equally? Any relationship where the man keeps such a tight leash on his wife's spending certainly has issues. Could be she is a gambler or a shopaholic, could be he likes his wife dependent. Either way, it seems quite unhealthy to me.

One point at a time. If there is an earnings disparity in a relationship, the people are not equal. They might think they are, until it comes to a bitter dispute. Then see whose decision stands. It will be the chief income producer. Most marriages incorporate some kind of power balancing to make this less obvious, both to themselves and others. I have never seen a happy marriage of equals. Somebody is the ultimate boss...and it may not be who it appears to be to an outside observer.

Keeping a tight leash on finances might just mean the husband is anal about it. Mine is. We recently switched to a single joint account after years of separate accounts. I have to hand my husband every sales slip so he can keep his meticulous records perfect! He doesn't so much care if I spend the money, he just has to know exactly when and where I spent it. Or it might just mean that there isn't much wiggle room in the budget for some families.

And now dependent wives. I think you will agree that many of the Thai-farang marriages are between less-wealthy Thai women and more-wealthy farang men. Many of those marriages are very happy, even with farang men who are thrice-divorced in farangland. The dependency of the wife is one of the reasons for success and the lack of dependency is one of the reasons for failure. Men like to feel like men, and one way they feel manly is to be able to take care of a woman. A woman who is perfectly capable of taking care of herself not only seems less feminine and less desirable to those men, but makes him feel less manly since he is no more capable of taking care of her than she is.

Yeah, I know, drivel from the 1950s, before Women's Lib...but it's true. You have no idea how fabulous it can make a man feel to have his woman say " Honey, I saw a thing at the store, I really want it, can you please buy it for me?" and then be able to answer "Sure, darling, no problem!" I think these dependent wives are the ones most likely to have the secret account. If he knew about her account, his sense of masculinity might be threatened. So she keeps it secret, and lets him enjoy taking care of her. Good for her, because she has enough sense to keep her husband happy.

[sbk]

Most marriages incorporate some kind of power balancing to make this less obvious, both to themselves and others. I have never seen a happy marriage of equals. Somebody is the ultimate boss...and it may not be who it appears to be to an outside observer.

Well, you are entitled to your own opinion but I disagree. I may appear to be the boss to some people as I am far more 'verbal' shall we say than my husband but I don't think I am the boss and certainly don't think he is (nor does he). Amazingly enough, I defer to his opinion when I think he knows more about something than I do and vice versa. Does this make him the ultimate boss or me? No, of course not. I think, personally, your analysis is dead wrong in being applied to every relationship because, as my father says, "You never know what is going on in another man (or woman)'s head or another man's bed".

You may think you understand the dynamics of someone else's relationship but, really, how can you?

[monochaser]

My Motto is stash cash in mattress. What nobody knows won't hurt them. Stash as much as you can, then when the whole thing goes up in flames you got some dough. DO NOT put it into any bank account as it can be tracked and exposed. I'm not handing over half of my cash to nobody. I would never trust any partner ever

[Sheryl]

And now dependent wives. I think you will agree that many of the Thai-farang marriages are between less-wealthy Thai women and more-wealthy farang men. Many of those marriages are very happy, even with farang men who are thrice-divorced in farangland. The dependency of the wife is one of the reasons for success and the lack of dependency is one of the reasons for failure. Men like to feel like men, and one way they feel manly is to be able to take care of a woman. A woman who is perfectly capable of taking care of herself not only seems less feminine and less desirable to those men, but makes him feel less manly since he is no more capable of taking care of her than she is.

Yeah, I know, drivel from the 1950s, before Women's Lib...but it's true. You have no idea how fabulous it can make a man feel to have his woman say " Honey, I saw a thing at the store, I really want it, can you please buy it for me?" and then be able to answer "Sure, darling, no problem!" I think these dependent wives are the ones most likely to have the secret account. If he knew about her account, his sense of masculinity might be threatened. So she keeps it secret, and lets him enjoy taking care of her. Good for her, because she has enough sense to keep her husband happy.

This is true of some men but by no means of all.

Both of the Thai partners I have had specifically liked in me the fact that I could take care of myself. For them, it was a refreshing change (not that Thai women can't...but they've been conditioned to act as if they can't, or to expect a dependent role) and a big part of the attraction.

For some men, what you describe would be an absolute turn-off.

I suppose it depends, among other things, on how secure the person is and whether or not they need an ego boost to feel "manly". Seems to me that many of these seeming dependnet wives are actually quite capable of looking after themselves (ever seen them after they're widowed? A lot of them blossom), and a lot of the supposedly care taking husbands are actually being mothered by the supposedly dependent spouse.

Anyhow -- to each his own. But I think you do men a disservice in generalizing like this. Thankfully, there are some adults looking for other adults out there.

[Boo]

I agree with this sheryl, one of the things my husband really likes about me is my ability to do anything or at least give it a try & my no bullshit attitude. All of his past gf's bar one were dependant on him & he found the helplessness act annoying. The one thai gf who didn't act like this dumped him for not being dynamic enough She works as a head nurse at a small hospital in Issan & is well travelled & speaks 4 languages. She raised a diabled daughter on her own after the father dumped her for producing a disabled child & the daughter (now 18) is in uni in Khon Kaen. A realy role model for any women. I know why she dumped him

[Dakhar]

Stash cash?

My wife was once asked by her cousin, "How much money does your husband give you?" Her reply was, "The real question is, How much do I give him?" Really the truth of the matter is, I give it all to her, without reserve. She takes care of the bills, I trust her, and she trusts me...

I could not imagine a relationship were I gave my partner/spouse/friend/lover/ mother of my child an allowance!