Some Thoughts On Commitment To Your Partner

[Donz]

i always look at other girls, but i never touch.

ive been tempted a few times and got offers, but i get a buzz out of saying nah sorry i got a gf and i wont cheat on her.

When i was 18-20 i used to cheat left right and centre, going out didnt mean shit back then as i was abit of an ass.

But now ive settled down, dont mind flirting but it never goes past flirting.

You shouldnt feel guilty of having urges, your only human, i get some crazy urges but can control it.

I look at heaps of girls everyday and think dammmmmmmmmmm!

Its hard to stay commited but i say you should go after as many chicks as you can for a few years, after awhile you will get sick of all the chasing and the hassel and will settle down eventually with one girl.

Ofcourse not everyone will, but most do.

[Mobi]

But if it doesn't last , it's the last one, for sure.

I bet you said that after number 2 and 3 and 4 and 5 as well.

Strangely enough I didn't . I was always the eternal optomist, and was convinced that one day the right one would turn up and 'hit me like a ton of bricks'.. My last divorce was about 4 years ago, and after that I was ripped off fairly badly by one Thai lady, who I was planning to marry, before I met and married the current 'incumbent'.

Now I'm knocking on 60, it's finally dawned on me that the game is up, and if this one doesn't work out, its just never going to happen for me.

Frankly, at this point in time, I may well be heading for a single life in my old age - but you never know

[phibunmike]

I had a "good" marriage for many years - but it finished. I married young, and I think I hadn't finished "playing the field", so although I was faithful throughout more than 20 years, it finsihed when I met someone else. Then I had a few crazy years, when I fell madly in love a couple of times - it was destructive - I couldn't function. Then I met my present wife. We fell in love, she more slowly than me. I have never had that crazy passion with her that screwed me up before - but I made the DECISION that I would stay with her. Some of you might say that is sad, wrong basis: I say not - she is all I want from a more sound perspective than the crazy uncontrolled passion that gripped me before - and which I now know doesn't last (the girls I was madly in love with before are now friends or lapsed friends, but I no longer have more romantic feelings towards them). Now I have someone who I will stay with, I won't hurt, I love, and I love more like flowers than whiskey....

Just my silly thoughts after a few beers....

[phibunmike]

But now ive settled down, dont mind flirting but it never goes past flirting.

You shouldnt feel guilty of having urges, your only human, i get some crazy urges but can control it.

I look at heaps of girls everyday and think dammmmmmmmmmm!

You are right Donz, and although no woman would ever understand it, it is a compliment to your wife/gf that you look at other women - you are still a testosterone filled male, fully functional, and you choose HER - there is no compliment if you have no urges

[quadricorrelator]

If my memory is correct, then over 60% of men cheat on their wives in the U.S. I imagine the number is even higher here in Thailand since the opportunity to cheat is higher.

I have never seen a study about fidelity among foreign men in Thailand. Maybe the people I know are unusual, but most of them (maybe all) have strayed (some regulary).

I know a guy who moved back to Texas with his Thai wife. She was unhappy and they moved back to Thailand. But, now he is unhappy because he is constantly fighting temptation. In the U.S. he had little opportunity to cheat, but he can't avoid these opportunities in Thailand.

I don't know much about human behavior. I can only state the following confusion: I do not understand how a genuine sexual attraction to females can diminish just because of a committment. I don't see how the attraction could go away. It doesn't mean one has to act on it, but I don't see why it should go away forever.

May I mention one last thought? I saw a study done at a university in New Mexico. It said that good looking guys did tend to cheat more than unattractive guys. The reason was that they had more opportunities. The girls were very aware of this and had anxiety about going with good looking guys, but it still didn't stop them.

[wolf5370]

I don't know much about human behavior. I can only state the following confusion: I do not understand how a genuine sexual attraction to females can diminish just because of a committment. I don't see how the attraction could go away. It doesn't mean one has to act on it, but I don't see why it should go away forever.

Simply because 'attraction' is a state of mind. Margret Thatcher once said, as PM, that people should never go shopping when they are hungry. She was right. If you do, you tend to buy too much food and are tempted by frivalous food that you would ignore when you have had your fill.

If you fly-the-kite, your interest in certain mags would be diminished for a while (in comparison to before the 'flight' that is ). Your brain has released the endorphins that you were seeking and your interest waines - like addicts can always contemplate giving up after a fix, but never when one is due.

When you are in love with your partner, the lustre of other females id diminished. When you have gone without, you are attracted to girls that are less than beautiful to you, simply because your brain has the need.

Normal people that have eaten their fill do not go out of their way to stuff in some more food just because its there. Normal people that have their needs satisfied, do not have the need any more. Of course, a really nice looking cake or something might tempt you to eat when full, just as a truly beautiful lady would still be a temptation. It then comes down to will power!

People in love reciprically with their partners simply have less needs outstanding (or outstanding to a lesser degree) than you hard up b*ggers out there.

[jdinasia]

What a perfect reason behind all the infidelity and divorce in the west, Wolf!

<just a tish of sarcasm>

People are different .... some guys can no more keep it zipped than others can refrain from passing gas. It is just the way it is. (this goes gor SOME women but less so as testosterone isn't as big of an issue

[K9FIN]

First of all i have my doubt that you´r not a guy at all..

But if you are (my wife how look´s my posts), i will answer that it´s very

easy to commit only one person for a lifetime

Otherhand, get an " mionoi " mianoi´s are usuall tradition in

thai culture, so why not use this possibillity?

I have mianoi, it´s handy and i can change mainoi like

i change my t-shirt. Best part of this is that it´s only

tradition But keep it cool! mianoi´s are only

allowed gentlemens who have currency enough..

Not for cheap charlie´s. I have spoken

[markuk]

First of all i have my doubt that you´r not a guy at all..

But if you are (my wife how look´s my posts), i will answer that it´s very

easy to commit only one person for a lifetime

Otherhand, get an " mionoi " mianoi´s are usuall tradition in

thai culture, so why not use this possibillity?

I have mianoi, it´s handy and i can change mainoi like

i change my t-shirt. Best part of this is that it´s only

tradition But keep it cool! mianoi´s are only

allowed gentlemens who have currency enough..

Not for cheap charlie´s. I have spoken

Which supermarket do you get them at???

Only kidding, i wouldnt want to go down that road - can turn nastly i am led to believe???

[Maigo6]

Simply because 'attraction' is a state of mind. Margret Thatcher once said, as PM, that people should never go shopping when they are hungry. She was right.

Take Maggies advice, you know it make's sense.

[chanchao]

I can't see the point in worrying about any of this below the age of 30, perhaps 35. But now that you are, let's have a look:

> 1 What was the main reason/factor you decided to make a commitment

> to your wife’s / GF’s?

When you're living together and sharing everything together then you might as well get married because it tends to make people happy. Plus you save tax money.

> Is it ever really possible to justify you have found the best

> partner you are ever going to meet?

Yes. But don't worry too much about it. It's like when you go to Pattaya and there's such an incredible over-abundance of girls that you delay choosing one until suddenly you find that the whole night has run out of steam and all youmeet are spaced out amputees with stretch marks at a dodgy late night disco. Life is just like that. Grab one while they're hot.

> 2. As you are living in Thailand and you are probably have a strong attraction to Thai

> girls, Is it hard to remain committed to your wifes / gfs. Do you often feel tempted

> towards others?

Actually I don't. I sometimes feel that I SHOULD, but I don't. And even if you do stray, out of a Thai-warped (Thwarped?) sense of commitment, then you wonder what the f'ing point of it was, really.

> I know when I am roaming around Bangkok just say in MBK,

> I cant help looking round and feeling like a kid in a candy store.

You are. Indulge. You can always grow up when you're dead.

> 3. If you have had one ore more divorcé what do you think was

> the major problem that caused this divorce? Could it be avoided?

Never divorced and don't plan to. If it happened I'd probably be happy being single again. Divorce is never that dark or deep a hole in Thailand.

> What advice would you give to a young guy about having

> a successful relationship?

Get one who's richer and better educated than you.

Cheers,

Chanchao

[meemiathai]

If my memory is correct, then over 60% of men cheat on their wives in the U.S. I imagine the number is even higher here in Thailand since the opportunity to cheat is higher.

I have never seen a study about fidelity among foreign men in Thailand. Maybe the people I know are unusual, but most of them (maybe all) have strayed (some regulary).

I know a guy who moved back to Texas with his Thai wife. She was unhappy and they moved back to Thailand. But, now he is unhappy because he is constantly fighting temptation. In the U.S. he had little opportunity to cheat, but he can't avoid these opportunities in Thailand.

I don't know much about human behavior. I can only state the following confusion: I do not understand how a genuine sexual attraction to females can diminish just because of a committment. I don't see how the attraction could go away. It doesn't mean one has to act on it, but I don't see why it should go away forever.

May I mention one last thought? I saw a study done at a university in New Mexico. It said that good looking guys did tend to cheat more than unattractive guys. The reason was that they had more opportunities. The girls were very aware of this and had anxiety about going with good looking guys, but it still didn't stop them.

The first sensible post so far.

And funny I was wondering if all the posters here were ugly men.

Hats off to all the guys who are capable of dealing with the temptation!

[meemiathai]

When I was in my 20s I thought these urges and lust were going to go away as time goes by. But now at the age of 37, it has only gone worse. How old was Bill Clinton when he was president?

[mark45y]

I would say about half of my Thai male friends have mionoi’s. One guy has five of them but his Thai wife and children live in the US taking care of his businesses there.

I guess I don’t get the positive connotation to being faithful and the negative connotation to being unfaithful.

As much as we try to separate ourselves from our past one of the reasons that humans were a successful species is that handsome (being without physical deformity), strong and smart men were driven to plant as much sperm as possible in as many fertile women as possible. Women were driven to accept the sperm of the stronger males before that of the weaker males. This process insured the survival of the fittest. If you don’t think basic instinct still determines behavior there are interesting studies of sperm count going drastically up when a man thinks his woman has been with another man. This is a biological urge to produce your own offspring instead of the other fellow’s.

Most uneducated Thai women that I know are attracted to big strong guys be it Thai or Farang but since the Farang usually are bigger and have more money they get a lot of attention.

Successful males have more women than unsuccessful males and I don’t think that is news to anyone. It has been that way since the dawn of time.

I don’t really think it is healthy to beat yourself up because you have a natural tendency to want more than one woman that is a natural male impulse and in most men stays constant until death.

Women have a tendency to want one male to nest with and insure the security of their children and family.

A lot of cultures incorporate both of these desires into tradition and morals. The West in general has not done this for the male of the species.

Fidelity in Thailand is not the same as fidelity in the West. Honesty in Thailand is not the same as honesty in the West. When we bring our concepts of honesty and fidelity to Thailand and judge people based on our Western values it is called ethnocentrism.

Personally I give my Thai female friends a pass on honesty and they give me a pass on fidelity.

[chanchao]

Successful males have more women than unsuccessful males and I don’t think that is news to anyone. It has been that way since the dawn of time.

I don’t really think it is healthy to beat yourself up because you have a natural tendency to want more than one woman that is a natural male impulse and in most men stays constant until death.

Women have a tendency to want one male to nest with and insure the security of their children and family.

A lot of cultures incorporate both of these desires into tradition and morals. The West in general has not done this for the male of the species.

Fidelity in Thailand is not the same as fidelity in the West. Honesty in Thailand is not the same as honesty in the West. When we bring our concepts of honesty and fidelity to Thailand and judge people based on our Western values it is called ethnocentrism.

Personally I give my Thai female friends a pass on honesty and they give me a pass on fidelity.

I'm torn between being disgusted and agreeing wholehartedly.

[Boon Mee]

Successful males have more women than unsuccessful males and I don’t think that is news to anyone. It has been that way since the dawn of time.

I don’t really think it is healthy to beat yourself up because you have a natural tendency to want more than one woman that is a natural male impulse and in most men stays constant until death.

Women have a tendency to want one male to nest with and insure the security of their children and family.

A lot of cultures incorporate both of these desires into tradition and morals. The West in general has not done this for the male of the species.

Fidelity in Thailand is not the same as fidelity in the West. Honesty in Thailand is not the same as honesty in the West. When we bring our concepts of honesty and fidelity to Thailand and judge people based on our Western values it is called ethnocentrism.

Personally I give my Thai female friends a pass on honesty and they give me a pass on fidelity.

I'm torn between being disgusted and agreeing wholehartedly.

Yep...TiT...

[leftcross]

you can have your cake and eat it in thailand so dont worry. marry someone you love but there are more than enough opportunities to satisfy your wandering needs without having to enter into deceitful affairs as in the west.

the thai way is much better

[thaibebop]

you can have your cake and eat it in thailand so dont worry. marry someone you love but there are more than enough opportunities to satisfy your wandering needs without having to enter into deceitful affairs as in the west.

the thai way is much better

So, a mans word should mean nothing? How much of a man is a man who can't keep, or doesn't want keep his word?

[leftcross]

a happy one with a happy marriage thanks

[markuk]

you can have your cake and eat it in thailand so dont worry. marry someone you love but there are more than enough opportunities to satisfy your wandering needs without having to enter into deceitful affairs as in the west.

the thai way is much better

I agree here, if you really wanted to do it just to satisfy your sexual needs then there is no need for a long term affair as would be needed in the west. However i think you will find a lot of the women who tempt me (though i havent strayed yet!!) are not looking for short time activities, if thats what you want go to bar!!!

[aaaaaa]

temptation is what masturbation is for !

cool rhyme !

but then, for some even masturbation is a temptation !

Hats off to all the guys who are capable of dealing with the temptation!

ghhhhh..... what do you mean - hats off to those who masturbates ?

why commitment? one possible reason - out of respect, because she asked me so, to promise that there would be no "side plays" ? and why not ? after all there is a big difference between something permanent (long lasting steady relations, as many here, are much more than sex and initial attraction - daily dealing with each other's small domestic habits, etc) and temporary (lust, frivolity).

one my friend said : "one who boasts that he has many women and every night sleeps with another one - actually is realy alone and has no one, and always awakes alone". more or less true I think.

Edited March 25, 2006 by aaaaaa

[jdinasia]

you can have your cake and eat it in thailand so dont worry. marry someone you love but there are more than enough opportunities to satisfy your wandering needs without having to enter into deceitful affairs as in the west.

the thai way is much better

I don't know which Thailand you are living in .... or how many Thai men you know ...

Maybe you have missed hearing the term "mia noi" ... or known any men with more than one domocile? Or missed seeing the massage places for Thai's ... the ones with curtains to hide the cars?

[jdinasia]

I think by nature men are just not built for fidelity ... the guys that equate it with being a man are obviously not divorced and remaried etc ....

[leftcross]

I don't know which Thailand you are living in .... or how many Thai men you know ...

Maybe you have missed hearing the term "mia noi" ... or known any men with more than one domocile? Or missed seeing the massage places for Thai's ... the ones with curtains to hide the cars?

mia noi and massage places are based on a financial arrangement.

to have more than one woman on the go in the west you have to lie and deceive. that is the point i was making.

i prefer the thai way cos you pay your money, satisfy yourself and its all over with. in the west you end up neck deep in s### while trying to emotionally juggle lots of different women, and yes i am speaking from experience.

i am incapable of monogamy but i love my wife and the life we have. i honestly beleive the thai way helps me to be a better husband than i ever could be at home.

[jdinasia]

ummm better ask a few friends about what Mia Noi means to them (The Thais I think that have girlfriends on the side would say it is about more than a financial arrangement if not ... why do the whole second domocile etc ...)

[thaibebop]

a happy one with a happy marriage thanks

Well, aren't we an example of compassion and reason.

[robitusson]

Did anyone read a story someone posted about finding a marriage partner in the last couple of months?

The basic jist of it was a man asks another man (possibly a monk) about how to choose a partner. The monk tells him to walk through a field and pick the best ear of corn he can find. So the guy goes and looks and he sees lots of nice ears of corn but he keeps thinking he'll find a bigger one. But in the end he comes back with a very small one because he didn't pick when he saw the nice ones.

Anyway my version of the story above is incomplete, badly written and not the proper story anyway so my question is, does anyone know where this story was posted on ajarn. I looked everywhere for it to read it again and I can't find it. I've tried every word I can remember on the search engine and nothing. Any help?