Why do partners threaten each other when kids involved.

[Beetlejuice]

"No referral to thais or gender"

This forum is called Thaivisa, and you mention your wife, so maybe not so strange, we came up with the answer: Thai wife??

So the reality is, that your transgender partner lives in Blackpool with your 3 adopted kids, whilst you are in Germany?

Brilliant.

Yes, we all assumed that the OP`s wife is Thai and her and the kids are living in Thailand, but of course, this may not be the case.

[GreenSnapper]

Looks as if the OP isn't interested in a serious discussion.

[Scully]

I suggest the OP asks for this to be closed for his own sanity.

Why do people with no knowledge of the OPs situation suddenly become experts and take digs at him. Bitter old men

Good luck benal and well done for trying to do the right thing.

[benalibina]

Looks as if the OP isn't interested in a serious discussion.

There is nothing to discuss. I only asked for opinions on the general subject of threats by 1 partner to the other. I for sure do not dicuss with people who make assumptions about my situation. I did never ask 'WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WHERE ME ?'.

[benalibina]

"No referral to thais or gender"

This forum is called Thaivisa, and you mention your wife, so maybe not so strange, we came up with the answer: Thai wife??

So the reality is, that your transgender partner lives in Blackpool with your 3 adopted kids, whilst you are in Germany?

Brilliant.

Yes, we all assumed that the OP`s wife is Thai and her and the kids are living in Thailand, but of course, this may not be the case.

Apparantly you have no experience in the matter. Till a short while ago me neither. That lack of experience would refrain me from commenting on a similar subject. Not for you though !

[Beetlejuice]

Looks as if the OP isn't interested in a serious discussion.

There is nothing to discuss. I only asked for opinions on the general subject of threats by 1 partner to the other. I for sure do not dicuss with people who make assumptions about my situation. I did never ask 'WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WHERE ME ?'.

You have missed the point completely and is nothing personal against you.

That`s like me asking; my wife has threatened to leave me; why would she do that? And there could be a million probable answers to that question. This is why this cannot be regarded as a general question.

As I said previously; it all depends on any particular situation and what brought on this state of affairs in the first place.

Give us some clues and then perhaps we can answer.

Edited July 21, 2013 by Beetlejuice

[GreenSnapper]

Looks as if the OP isn't interested in a serious discussion.

There is nothing to discuss. I only asked for opinions on the general subject of threats by 1 partner to the other. I for sure do not dicuss with people who make assumptions about my situation. I did never ask 'WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WHERE ME ?'.

Thanks for making this clear.

I hope everbody follows the OP's wish and will not bother him any more with a discussion, assumptions or other helpful opinions regarding his situation.

[benalibina]

I believe it stems from a lack of confidence with the kids mother.

She is trying to use the kids to manipulate & control you.

She doesn't feel happy in herself & wants to transfer her unhappiness to you.

She feels that she has so little power compared to you, that she has to use the kids when she wants to control you.

This type of person isn't going to change their character.

They want power over you & will be at their worst if they see you are happy.

Best to always make them think that your life is rubbish.

Not sure if the general forum is the best place to receive good advice on this.

To Beetlejuice and Greensnapper.

This is a type of reply which is usefull. He read and answered my question without needing to know the (full) details in my particular situation.

[benalibina]

Yup......if the OP can find a female family member or friend that will back him then that would be all the difference.

Don't reward bad behaviour, don't give in to bullying and blackmail.

Trying and trying, not easy. Mainly as well because on whatever way 1 looks at it, i am still a foreigner. Too many negative family influences and for 1 to open and speak out is very very hard.

[GirlDrinkDrunk]

Some parents use the kids as leverage- because they can. They are thinking about short term gain and to hell with the consequences. In these cases everyone looses, but especially the children. Parents that truly love their kids will not stoop to thise despicable tactic. The parent beibg held hostage must not succumb to retaliation, rather try to work through the issue with the unreasonable ex spouse. Not easy and requires an immenese amount of self control.

OP, hope things improve for you.

Parents?

When was the last time you heard of a man behaving like this?

yesterday. but he doesn't want money, he wants revenge

I assume that you refer to me with your above statement.

Than it is a total nonsense what you write. Do you seriously think that my morals are so low to play the revengegame ? Revenge would mean, in this situation, that i care jackshit about the kids. If that were true, why the fck would i open this topic. I might be stupid but not that........

I know that on 1 way or the other the kids pay the price and i am very very sad about that. This is however not my choice. I just do not understand the threats by my wife. It proves, unfortunately, that she does not have the moral background to raise the kids properly. But i married her !!!

About her sister, who now takes care of the kids, i believe that she runs the show from behind the scenes. She is evil in my opinion.

actually i was replying to exactly what i quoted.

to run through it again for you:

the question was asked "When was the last time you heard of a man behaving like this?"

and i replied "yesterday. but he doesn't want money, he wants revenge"

I replied in this manner due to a conversation i has had with an acquaintance who was determined to keep his kids away from their mother because the relationship had gone tits up.

I know her, she is not a bad woman, but he was caught in an affair and she wanted to leave him, and he was threatening to take the children out of the country and not allow her to see them again.

sadly she is the better parent.

now, as for the rest of your rant, i am not sure how i struck a nerve.

I believe that as adults we should lie in the beds we made, It is our responsibility to do what is best for our children, shield them from any acrimony between what should be the two most important people in their lives.

I am living this situation now, and we make damn sure we get along for the kids sake

[benalibina]

Some parents use the kids as leverage- because they can. They are thinking about short term gain and to hell with the consequences. In these cases everyone looses, but especially the children. Parents that truly love their kids will not stoop to thise despicable tactic. The parent beibg held hostage must not succumb to retaliation, rather try to work through the issue with the unreasonable ex spouse. Not easy and requires an immenese amount of self control.

OP, hope things improve for you.

Parents?

When was the last time you heard of a man behaving like this?

yesterday. but he doesn't want money, he wants revenge

I assume that you refer to me with your above statement.

Than it is a total nonsense what you write. Do you seriously think that my morals are so low to play the revengegame ? Revenge would mean, in this situation, that i care jackshit about the kids. If that were true, why the fck would i open this topic. I might be stupid but not that........

I know that on 1 way or the other the kids pay the price and i am very very sad about that. This is however not my choice. I just do not understand the threats by my wife. It proves, unfortunately, that she does not have the moral background to raise the kids properly. But i married her !!!

About her sister, who now takes care of the kids, i believe that she runs the show from behind the scenes. She is evil in my opinion.

actually i was replying to exactly what i quoted.

to run through it again for you:

the question was asked "When was the last time you heard of a man behaving like this?"

and i replied "yesterday. but he doesn't want money, he wants revenge"

I replied in this manner due to a conversation i has had with an acquaintance who was determined to keep his kids away from their mother because the relationship had gone tits up.

I know her, she is not a bad woman, but he was caught in an affair and she wanted to leave him, and he was threatening to take the children out of the country and not allow her to see them again.

sadly she is the better parent.

now, as for the rest of your rant, i am not sure how i struck a nerve.

I believe that as adults we should lie in the beds we made, It is our responsibility to do what is best for our children, shield them from any acrimony between what should be the two most important people in their lives.

I am living this situation now, and we make dam_n sure we get along for the kids sake

You make assumptions on the situation i am in, so indeed you struck a nerve of mine. In a situation when there are problems and kids are involved it is indeed important to get along for the children's interest. It takes however 2 people to that. Threatening does not bring anything. It would only bring something if i was a supposed danger to their lives. Then a threat would be justified completely by her.

As this is not the situation any threats like this are childish and immature. Ignoring it is possibly the best combined with no contact, or at least very little. Let the storm blow over ! I am not very happy about it all though.

[rene123]

It is threads like this that make me glad I didn't have children. It is very sad that parents use their children as weapons, but it happens very often. And I have to agree with others here that women are more guilty of it than men. I believe that is because men usually have more money than women, and women feel insecure about that during a breakup. They use the only weapon available to them which is the children.

[benalibina]

Just realized that i opened this topic on the 6th birthday of my daughters !

[GirlDrinkDrunk]

actually i was replying to exactly what i quoted.

to run through it again for you:

the question was asked "When was the last time you heard of a man behaving like this?"

and i replied "yesterday. but he doesn't want money, he wants revenge"

I replied in this manner due to a conversation i has had with an acquaintance who was determined to keep his kids away from their mother because the relationship had gone tits up.

I know her, she is not a bad woman, but he was caught in an affair and she wanted to leave him, and he was threatening to take the children out of the country and not allow her to see them again.

sadly she is the better parent.

now, as for the rest of your rant, i am not sure how i struck a nerve.

I believe that as adults we should lie in the beds we made, It is our responsibility to do what is best for our children, shield them from any acrimony between what should be the two most important people in their lives.

I am living this situation now, and we make dam_n sure we get along for the kids sake

You make assumptions on the situation i am in, so indeed you struck a nerve of mine. In a situation when there are problems and kids are involved it is indeed important to get along for the children's interest. It takes however 2 people to that. Threatening does not bring anything. It would only bring something if i was a supposed danger to their lives. Then a threat would be justified completely by her.

As this is not the situation any threats like this are childish and immature. Ignoring it is possibly the best combined with no contact, or at least very little. Let the storm blow over ! I am not very happy about it all though.

let me help you wrap your head around this you simple but angry fellow -- i am not talking about you.

i was directly answering a question you asked.

i make no reference to you

i do not know you

i do not know your situation

i am not judging you

i do not care

and learn how to quote, not only are you way off base, you are hard to read

[GirlDrinkDrunk]

It is threads like this that make me glad I didn't have children. It is very sad that parents use their children as weapons, but it happens very often. And I have to agree with others here that women are more guilty of it than men. I believe that is because men usually have more money than women, and women feel insecure about that during a breakup. They use the only weapon available to them which is the children.

too bad, you will always have an opinion about it but never truly know what you have missed,

[norrona]

Right I'm going to get in bother for this, but here we go.........

There's a thread on this subject already raised by the OP in the family and children forum. The OP is obviously struggling to get his head round this and I can fully understand why.

Benalbina, I said before control the controllable as you can't control the uncontrollable. Her weapon is the kids, your weapon is money. She will torture you for the rest of her life with the kids if you allow her to.

Here's what to do.......change your phone number and all other forms of communication. Stop paying her and put the money in a bank account for the kids. When she next tries to get a hold of you she will go white with shock when she realizes you are gone.

You will have beaten her only weapon, as she is convinced that you are the puppet on her string, cut the string and she is beat.

Leave it long enough for the pain of realization and the reality of being skint to sink in, I suggest three months. Then send her an email or a text from an account or phone number you have specifically for her.

Do not use your general email account or phone, it's torture being pounded all day with ever more hysterical demands. That's mental torture, a practise she is using on you. You need to find the strength to deliver some back to her in the best interests of the kids. Open a new email account or buy a new sim card only for dealing with her.

Send the email or text and merely ask does she need some money for the kids. Not a word more. Not a word less.

Immediately remove the sim from the phone and give it to a friend for safe keeping for a week, whatever you do do not sit and stare at it waiting for a reply. If you have opened an email account the sign out and ignore it for a week.

After a week open the account or sim and read what has been sent, do not answer. Resist the temptation to answer. If it's a hysterical tirade of threats then leave it another week, then a singular message again.

" Do you need money for the kids, yes or no? ".

Then repeat the waiting process.

Open the sim again a week later, see what is written, if she has calmed down then contemplate sending some money. If not, then this time leave it for a month before you reply. Then say.....

" If you threaten me then I will never pay you "

Then repeat..........

Two things will happen, either the penny will drop with her and she will become compliant, or she'll go off on a continual campaign of threats for the rest of your life.

I've seen both.

If she becomes compliant then send her a singular months payment, do not send back money. You would need to be mad to do that as you've now taught her that you will act as a bank.

She has now lost the money for the months that she tried to blackmail you.

When you eventually see the kids you can use that money to take them away on a special holiday, or even put into a savings account for them in their own names, they'll love that.

My ex still cannot believe that I did not fold to the blackmail, my family and friends rallied round to give me the strength to not fold. My mother in particular was excellent.

For all the bluster on the forum just about all of us have gone through some form of emotional turmoil in the past. Finding the strength to fight against this vile blackmail is extraordinarily difficult, but you must find it.

The first part of that is learning to control your own emotions, and the simple act of buying a sim card is the first step in taking control of your life back.

Control the controllable, control yourself.

Who needs Frasier when we got this guy

[benalibina]

Right I'm going to get in bother for this, but here we go.........

There's a thread on this subject already raised by the OP in the family and children forum. The OP is obviously struggling to get his head round this and I can fully understand why.

Benalbina, I said before control the controllable as you can't control the uncontrollable. Her weapon is the kids, your weapon is money. She will torture you for the rest of her life with the kids if you allow her to.

Here's what to do.......change your phone number and all other forms of communication. Stop paying her and put the money in a bank account for the kids. When she next tries to get a hold of you she will go white with shock when she realizes you are gone.

You will have beaten her only weapon, as she is convinced that you are the puppet on her string, cut the string and she is beat.

Leave it long enough for the pain of realization and the reality of being skint to sink in, I suggest three months. Then send her an email or a text from an account or phone number you have specifically for her.

Do not use your general email account or phone, it's torture being pounded all day with ever more hysterical demands. That's mental torture, a practise she is using on you. You need to find the strength to deliver some back to her in the best interests of the kids. Open a new email account or buy a new sim card only for dealing with her.

Send the email or text and merely ask does she need some money for the kids. Not a word more. Not a word less.

Immediately remove the sim from the phone and give it to a friend for safe keeping for a week, whatever you do do not sit and stare at it waiting for a reply. If you have opened an email account the sign out and ignore it for a week.

After a week open the account or sim and read what has been sent, do not answer. Resist the temptation to answer. If it's a hysterical tirade of threats then leave it another week, then a singular message again.

" Do you need money for the kids, yes or no? ".

Then repeat the waiting process.

Open the sim again a week later, see what is written, if she has calmed down then contemplate sending some money. If not, then this time leave it for a month before you reply. Then say.....

" If you threaten me then I will never pay you "

Then repeat..........

Two things will happen, either the penny will drop with her and she will become compliant, or she'll go off on a continual campaign of threats for the rest of your life.

I've seen both.

If she becomes compliant then send her a singular months payment, do not send back money. You would need to be mad to do that as you've now taught her that you will act as a bank.

She has now lost the money for the months that she tried to blackmail you.

When you eventually see the kids you can use that money to take them away on a special holiday, or even put into a savings account for them in their own names, they'll love that.

My ex still cannot believe that I did not fold to the blackmail, my family and friends rallied round to give me the strength to not fold. My mother in particular was excellent.

For all the bluster on the forum just about all of us have gone through some form of emotional turmoil in the past. Finding the strength to fight against this vile blackmail is extraordinarily difficult, but you must find it.

The first part of that is learning to control your own emotions, and the simple act of buying a sim card is the first step in taking control of your life back.

Control the controllable, control yourself.

Who needs Frasier when we got this guy

Which comment, do you think, is of more value to the OP, yours or his ?

[norrona]

Right I'm going to get in bother for this, but here we go.........

There's a thread on this subject already raised by the OP in the family and children forum. The OP is obviously struggling to get his head round this and I can fully understand why.

Benalbina, I said before control the controllable as you can't control the uncontrollable. Her weapon is the kids, your weapon is money. She will torture you for the rest of her life with the kids if you allow her to.

Here's what to do.......change your phone number and all other forms of communication. Stop paying her and put the money in a bank account for the kids. When she next tries to get a hold of you she will go white with shock when she realizes you are gone.

You will have beaten her only weapon, as she is convinced that you are the puppet on her string, cut the string and she is beat.

Leave it long enough for the pain of realization and the reality of being skint to sink in, I suggest three months. Then send her an email or a text from an account or phone number you have specifically for her.

Do not use your general email account or phone, it's torture being pounded all day with ever more hysterical demands. That's mental torture, a practise she is using on you. You need to find the strength to deliver some back to her in the best interests of the kids. Open a new email account or buy a new sim card only for dealing with her.

Send the email or text and merely ask does she need some money for the kids. Not a word more. Not a word less.

Immediately remove the sim from the phone and give it to a friend for safe keeping for a week, whatever you do do not sit and stare at it waiting for a reply. If you have opened an email account the sign out and ignore it for a week.

After a week open the account or sim and read what has been sent, do not answer. Resist the temptation to answer. If it's a hysterical tirade of threats then leave it another week, then a singular message again.

" Do you need money for the kids, yes or no? ".

Then repeat the waiting process.

Open the sim again a week later, see what is written, if she has calmed down then contemplate sending some money. If not, then this time leave it for a month before you reply. Then say.....

" If you threaten me then I will never pay you "

Then repeat..........

Two things will happen, either the penny will drop with her and she will become compliant, or she'll go off on a continual campaign of threats for the rest of your life.

I've seen both.

If she becomes compliant then send her a singular months payment, do not send back money. You would need to be mad to do that as you've now taught her that you will act as a bank.

She has now lost the money for the months that she tried to blackmail you.

When you eventually see the kids you can use that money to take them away on a special holiday, or even put into a savings account for them in their own names, they'll love that.

My ex still cannot believe that I did not fold to the blackmail, my family and friends rallied round to give me the strength to not fold. My mother in particular was excellent.

For all the bluster on the forum just about all of us have gone through some form of emotional turmoil in the past. Finding the strength to fight against this vile blackmail is extraordinarily difficult, but you must find it.

The first part of that is learning to control your own emotions, and the simple act of buying a sim card is the first step in taking control of your life back.

Control the controllable, control yourself.

Who needs Frasier when we got this guy

Which comment, do you think, is of more value to the OP, yours or his ?

I personally think you are in a terrible place and wouldn't want to swap with you....hows about taking some compassionate leave and getting your backside to Thailand to sort your life out and try to resolve this situation?

You got the rest of your life to earn money!!!

quit looking for arguments on this thread....you won't win

[AnotherOneAmerican]

@benalibina

Don't take the haters so seriously. They are all practising a thing called 'denial'.

'I am a good husband so it can't happen to me' therefore you must have been a bad husband because it did happen to you.

Truth is, it can happen to anyone, saint or sinner,

It can also happen at any time in a relationship, 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, longest I ever heard of was after 40 years.

And it doesn't matter what the previous occupation or nationality of the spouse was either, hi-so, bar-girl, schoolteacher.

It's just the luck of the draw.

Anyway good luck to you whatever you do and best wishes for the future.

Edited July 24, 2013 by AnotherOneAmerican

[benalibina]

Right I'm going to get in bother for this, but here we go.........

There's a thread on this subject already raised by the OP in the family and children forum. The OP is obviously struggling to get his head round this and I can fully understand why.

Benalbina, I said before control the controllable as you can't control the uncontrollable. Her weapon is the kids, your weapon is money. She will torture you for the rest of her life with the kids if you allow her to.

Here's what to do.......change your phone number and all other forms of communication. Stop paying her and put the money in a bank account for the kids. When she next tries to get a hold of you she will go white with shock when she realizes you are gone.

You will have beaten her only weapon, as she is convinced that you are the puppet on her string, cut the string and she is beat.

Leave it long enough for the pain of realization and the reality of being skint to sink in, I suggest three months. Then send her an email or a text from an account or phone number you have specifically for her.

Do not use your general email account or phone, it's torture being pounded all day with ever more hysterical demands. That's mental torture, a practise she is using on you. You need to find the strength to deliver some back to her in the best interests of the kids. Open a new email account or buy a new sim card only for dealing with her.

Send the email or text and merely ask does she need some money for the kids. Not a word more. Not a word less.

Immediately remove the sim from the phone and give it to a friend for safe keeping for a week, whatever you do do not sit and stare at it waiting for a reply. If you have opened an email account the sign out and ignore it for a week.

After a week open the account or sim and read what has been sent, do not answer. Resist the temptation to answer. If it's a hysterical tirade of threats then leave it another week, then a singular message again.

" Do you need money for the kids, yes or no? ".

Then repeat the waiting process.

Open the sim again a week later, see what is written, if she has calmed down then contemplate sending some money. If not, then this time leave it for a month before you reply. Then say.....

" If you threaten me then I will never pay you "

Then repeat..........

Two things will happen, either the penny will drop with her and she will become compliant, or she'll go off on a continual campaign of threats for the rest of your life.

I've seen both.

If she becomes compliant then send her a singular months payment, do not send back money. You would need to be mad to do that as you've now taught her that you will act as a bank.

She has now lost the money for the months that she tried to blackmail you.

When you eventually see the kids you can use that money to take them away on a special holiday, or even put into a savings account for them in their own names, they'll love that.

My ex still cannot believe that I did not fold to the blackmail, my family and friends rallied round to give me the strength to not fold. My mother in particular was excellent.

For all the bluster on the forum just about all of us have gone through some form of emotional turmoil in the past. Finding the strength to fight against this vile blackmail is extraordinarily difficult, but you must find it.

The first part of that is learning to control your own emotions, and the simple act of buying a sim card is the first step in taking control of your life back.

Control the controllable, control yourself.

Who needs Frasier when we got this guy

Which comment, do you think, is of more value to the OP, yours or his ?

I personally think you are in a terrible place and wouldn't want to swap with you....hows about taking some compassionate leave and getting your backside to Thailand to sort your life out and try to resolve this situation?

You got the rest of your life to earn money!!!

quit looking for arguments on this thread....you won't win

Thanks for your comment. Went already to sort it out but to no avail, so......

[ABCer]

benalibina,

Some advice's here are good. But I think nobody here knows your situation as you do. Pressure and manipulation attempt is obvious on her part.

Before you take any, make sure you answer many questions to yourself, like

- how many kids?

- do you see them often?

- what is their age? are the kids yours? (no offence, but stranger things happen)

- what is your relationship with her?

- what are your both ages? social standing? family ties? education levels?

- what would you like the relationship to be in future?

- do you see any future in being with her and kids as a family here?

- would you consider the above in Europe?

- when you are there and she is here what do you think she does?

All these questions you answer to yourself. They are too personal to discuss them here.

Than and only than make a decision. Your own decision. Manipulative types are no good news. They basically never change.

Personally speaking, I would clear all these questions to myself first. If my conclusion would be that the relationship is not viable and the only question is maintenance money for the kids -

hire a local Lawyer to make up a document clearly stating amount, visiting rights, access rights, etc. This shouldn't be expensive.

And do not communicate with her in writing - she can and will use it against you in future.

Sorry, can't do any better.

God help you, mate.

Edited July 25, 2013 by ABCer

[benalibina]

benalibina,

Some advice's here are good. But I think nobody here knows your situation as you do. Pressure and manipulation attempt is obvious on her part.

Before you take any, make sure you answer many questions to yourself, like

- how many kids?

- do you see them often?

- what is their age? are the kids yours? (no offence, but stranger things happen)

- what is your relationship with her?

- what are your both ages? social standing? family ties? education levels?

- what would you like the relationship to be in future?

- do you see any future in being with her and kids as a family here?

- would you consider the above in Europe?

- when you are there and she is here what do you think she does?

All these questions you answer to yourself. They are too personal to discuss them here.

Than and only than make a decision. Your own decision. Manipulative types are no good news. They basically never change.

Personally speaking, I would clear all these questions to myself first. If my conclusion would be that the relationship is not viable and the only question is maintenance money for the kids -

hire a local Lawyer to make up a document clearly stating amount, visiting rights, access rights, etc. This shouldn't be expensive.

And do not communicate with her in writing - she can and will use it against you in future.

Sorry, can't do any better.

God help you, mate.

God my saviour ?

I do not agree with you on the written communication. This is beneficiary for me and the kids to keep it all in writing. For the moment it is better not be in contact at all. Sad that on this way i need to shift the controlaspect. Like blether said, i can only control the controlable ! Contacted as well a national organization here and taking the kids without my wifes written approval has to many risks. Childkidnapping ! So the actual control lies with her. If she is truly aware of that, i do not know.