How To Wash A Cat.

[udon]

How To Wash A Cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

[Pink Mist]

How To Wash A Cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

did hear of a woman who tried to dry her cat in a microwave, without much success (for the cat)

[siamesekitty]

chob mak! mental picture is cracking me p!

[udon]

Picture these

[Pink Mist]

looks like my ex wife

[chuchok]

looks like my ex wife

which one?

[Pink Mist]

looks like my ex wife

which one?

the kiwi one

[siamesekitty]

that first one's scary!

[udon]

An alternative method.......

Washing Your Cat

Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed. That somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Well contrary to this popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide (with or without bleach).

Cats, like their nemesis, the dog .... do get dirty and have a variety of odors... from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year to the same odor as your dog's breath. (Remember... your dog will try to eat anything.)

Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of the question. So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits.

Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack of concern for you .... you have the advantage of size, strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.

1. First .... dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welder's gloves.

2. A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds.

3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area beforehand. No ... blow drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.

4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down or prone in the tub.

5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up, nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire... the cat barely notices you anyway.

6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom .... speed is essential. In one single liquid motion, shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

Remember that cats have no handles and add the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn off and he's madder than a wet hornet.

7. As best, you can, wearing welder's gloves, try to field his body as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.

8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slides down the glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into the water, rinsing himself in the process.

9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat will realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the next attempt on the first available part of you.

10. Next, the cat must be dried. No...this is NOT the easiest part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat, reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.

11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for wrapping the towel around him.

12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub enclosure. Open bathroom door .... put towel wrapped cat on floor and step back quickly. Into tub, if possible, and do not open enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.

13. In about 2 hours .... it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while plotting revenge.

(Thanks to my mates in commercial aviation, PPrune.org)

[Toni]

looks like my ex wife

were you drunk when you first met her???

[chuchok]

looks like my ex wife

which one?

the kiwi one

now I do feel sorry for you!

Mind you, it could have been worse, she could have been Australian.

[udon]

How to give a cat a pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small wrench. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

[Sheryl]

How to give a cat a pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small wrench. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

But what's all this about bathing cats? I've had cats all my life and not once has any of them ever needed a bath.

My current angel, at age 7, has never had a bath and smells wonderful. Indeed she would be very miffed at the very suggestion that her hygiene is in any way less than purrfect.

And if I was even thinking of bathing her, she's know it and head for th hills.

And should I nonetheless manage to attempt it....I'd be in the ER in no time flat, and she'd never forgive me! (and can this cat ever hold a grudge!)

I'd wonder about possible health problems in a cat which has an odor. Their own natural grooming should suffice uin normal circumstances.

[Lars]

Our cat managed to fall in to a bowl with a Lotus flower in it one evening and not only did he get wet (the only dry part was his head) but he also got muddy from the sticky soil that the Lotus "was living in". What to do? Give him a bath... But it was a lot easier than I thought, he just stood there and let me wash and rinse him (ok, if looks could kill I wouldn't be typing this, the way he looked at me was even worse than the way the wife looks at me sometimes...). After the bath i dried most of the water off with a towel and let him "air dry", needless to say that he kept maximum distance to me for the rest of the evening...

[penzman]

You can wash a cat by holding both it's front paws together tightly.

[sierra01]

Is there a website that I can get the topic translated into Thai? My misses wants to know why I keep falling off the chair with laughter!

[udon]

Is there a website that I can get the topic translated into Thai? My misses wants to know why I keep falling off the chair with laughter!

Yanks & Swedes don't understand "Irony" I doubt Thais will

[mogoso]

Always found it easy to give my cat a bath. From his first day with me at 6 weeks old I started giving him a bath. At first in the sink but as he grew I'd just take him in the shower with me and soaped and rinsed him up properly. His weight grew to 24 lbs but matched his height well as he was not fat, just big larger than a Maine coon cat, he was larger than the ocelot I had as a kid.

A terror to dogs and those who knew him not well, he never scratched me in anger, or trying to squirm around in shower.

I assume it was from the familiarity of the process, that getting a weekly shower, presented no fear reaction in him, or his trust in me.

Coming home with him after a three month trip to Colombia, he first, then I ended up in a small room with customs agents who were having a devil of a time trying to examine him without me. I calmly picked him up to show it was just his way to protect hisself from the unknown.... They then wanted to know why he wouldn't drink the water they offered to him. I simply said perhaps he didn't like you. We were dismissed curtly at that point

[Scott]

I have 3 cats and all of them get baths. Never had much of a problem. The latest edition of the 3 was a young adult when he got his first bath, due to a skin condition requiring a medicated shampoo, but he took to it without a major problem--just really looked pi*ssed off. Unfortunately, he had to have a bath every 2 days for about a month--he got pretty talented at knowing when I was about giving him his bath and hiding!

A couple of things that will make it easier if you have trouble is to grab them by the back of the neck and hold them up (back legs can be touching the ground). Also, try not to get their head wet. I use a shower sprayer and wash from their ears on back. If I do happen to get their whole head wet, then things get a bit testy and they become much less cooperative. When I am done with the rest of them, then, if need be, I was their face.

Part of the trick is to hold them firmly and do everything as quietly and quickly as you can. Usually, once they are wet they are too disoriented to do much as long as you don't let them go.

[Lars]

I don't have any problems whatsoever to understand irony, I love the story about how to feed a cat a pill (although it's very old), I just wanted to contribute with a (true) story of my own Udon .

[udon]

I don't have any problems whatsoever to understand irony, I love the story about how to feed a cat a pill (although it's very old), I just wanted to contribute with a (true) story of my own Udon .

Well done!

You must be the exception.

[Jai Dee]

How to pill a dog...

1. Wrap it in bacon.

[skylar]

I used to put my cat into a bath with a shower head and soap her thoroughly. The worst she ever tried to do was crawl away. In the beginning, I had to don a swimsuit and get in with her as she was not used to being cleaned. She used to get really dusty.

Edited to say: She once got a couple of suprise baths from a mean girl in our condo who threw her into the condo's jacuzzi, but it didn't put her off being bathed.

[KhunMarco]

[phuketsiam]

I used to put my cat into a bath with a shower head and soap her thoroughly. The worst she ever tried to do was crawl away. In the beginning, I had to don a swimsuit and get in with her as she was not used to being cleaned. She used to get really dusty.

Edited to say: She once got a couple of suprise baths from a mean girl in our condo who threw her into the condo's jacuzzi, but it didn't put her off being bathed.

why the swim suit, were you shy having the cat see you naked

[toptuan]

You can wash a cat by holding both it's front paws together tightly.

You forgot to mention: Method only works for toothless species. I have the puncture wound scars to back my opinion.

[toptuan]

Then there's the cat that lulls you into a false sense of security...

From nearly the week she was born, my faithful little feline used to stand on her hind legs on the dry side of the shower door with little front paws and pink nose pressed up against the frosted glass--presumably trying to see better the object of her adoration--me.

She was a one-in-a-million cat.

She followed me everywhere like a dog. I even took her on mountain hikes and she behaved like a perfect little hiker, trotting along behind me like an obedient puppy. To discipline her, I only had to tell her once, in a mildly firm tone, not to do it again, and the deed was never repeated (when I was around). Every time I stepped out the front door to call her, I only needed to clap my hands twice, and from wherever she was lurking in the bushes, made an immediate beeline for the open front door. Then always followed that obligatory rubbing against my legs while that rattle-purr filled the house with warm tones of love and affection. Living in a cold climate, she always deposited herself directly onto the bed covers over my cold feet every night and kept them toasty-warm.

All this made me to believe I had truly an exceptional animal whose behavior defied all the conventional cat behavior of history. It was at this point, about a year into our little pink-nose-at-the-shower-door daily ceremony, that I decided I had a cat that must love water.

So I tested it.

One fateful morning, on an impulse (and before my morning wake-up coffee), I whipped open the sliding shower door, grabbed her with one hand, and in one smooth, deft move, deposited her in the stream of water while quickly slamming the door shut behind her.

After one panic-stricken, disbelieving look into my treacherous eyes, all Hades broke loose.

Facing the 360-degree slippery wall tiles and wet glass of the shower door around her, she decided to climb the only thing that she could dig her claws into. Me. Faster than my own act of betrayal, she clawed her way up my naked frame in a split second (the backside of me, thank God), and before I could say "Argghhh!" she sat perched on top of my head, legs wrapped around my neck and face, claws firmly implanted into ten new puncture wounds (in addition to the couple dozen or so punctures up my backside), and then put up a most unearthly cat-howl which memory chills me to this day.

The process of turning off the water and getting the door open, while balancing the howling ball of fur on my head was definitely a slower process. Slower still, was the slow-motion effort to unfasten her claws from my face and neck while the howls continued. As for me, many dabs of iodine and circle "button" adhesive bandages stopped the flow of blood, as I tried to concoct a logical explanation to confront the nosy inquiries of my family and work mates. "Ran into a hornets' nest," sounded pretty good. Figuratively, it was absolutely true.

Score:

Genes that govern cat behavior - 1 point

Cat owner/amateur feline psychologist - zero

[KhunMarco]

Cat survives washing machine

A CAT who took a nap in a washing machine survived a 60-minute cycle at 40C.

The curious moggy - called Toreilles but now known as Purr-sil - had sneaked into a neighbour's house looking for a warm spot to have a snooze.

The 15-month-old tabby is now recovering at an animal hospital after escaping with minor haemorrhages to his eyes and ears and a cut tongue.

Owner Debbie Sainsbury, 44, said yesterday: "Apparently he just dropped out when the door opened. He couldn't walk but was purring and very much alive - now he's looking better every day.

"I think he definitely lost one his nine lives - he's a very lucky cat."

Education officer Debbie and her children Fleur, 10, and Kit, eight, feared the worst when Toreilles suddenly vanished. But two days later they saw a sign saying a young cat had been found in a house 400 yards from their home in Horfield, Bristol, and taken to Vale Vets Animal Hospital.

Vet Sheelagh Houlden said: "He was in considerably good shape considering what he had been through. He was fairly lucky to be alive."

Overjoyed Kit said: "I was so pleased to have him back. He has really bad bloodshot eyes and was really traumatised.

"The vet at the hospital said maybe he can come home next week."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Poor thing

[skylar]

why the swim suit, were you shy having the cat see you naked

It would have been a bit weird picking the cat up while in the nuddy... hehe! Also, at least she would have dug her claws into it instead of me, in case she decided to go off the rails at any point... you never know with cats!

Toptuan, that's hilarious. Well, maybe now, I'm sure you were in extreme pain and shock at the time though.

[Patsycat]

My cat, who is 4, has just started drinking out of the toilet bowl. But then he is a bit odd, anyway.