parental alienation !

[Scarpolo]

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2599069/What-beautiful-child-Bob-Geldof-pays-emotional-tribute-wildest-funniest-cleverest-daughter-Peaches.html

http://singledadshittymom.wordpress.com/2013/03/25/bob-geldof-on-fathers/

Interesting documentary....As Parental Alienation is being done by a parent on a personal level, in this documentary it shows that the Family Law systems in the UK, and in most likely alot more countries, are not acting in tne best interest of the children.

[benalibina]

http://www.divorcemag.com/c/s3/?Parental-Alienation-Syndrome/parent-alienator-test.html

Yes....1,2,3,4,7,10, 15 and 17 by SIL and kids's mother

Some other nrs i suspect but not witnessed personally.

Nr 7.....ongoing now.

Edited April 8, 2014 by benalibina

[benalibina]

Think this quote through

[Scarpolo]

I was forced to reply YES to 3 questions, albeit this is long past and my kids are adults, but I did engage in some of that.

If she were to take the test, I am aware of 10 YES answers that she would have, so I was battling against major alienation.

At one pointm, my son wouldnt even talk to me, at age 9, and my daughter at age 12, didnt know what to do.

Ultimately, their mother betrayed them both, which allowed me to keep them in their home, in their bed, and in their schools without being disrupted.

The aftermath was a son that repeatedly expressed suicidal ideations and a daughter who got deeper into her horses, which kept her in school away from drugs and calm.

The son went thru the usual teenage years and thankfully, no one got hurt.

They both went to college, from their same home, and their mother didnt attend either graduation, or ever come back to try to see them or work things out, on their terms

They are both very well liked, my son may be the most loved kid on the planet, and my daughter is career oriented and also, very well liked.

They seemingly also, like themselves, which is much of the battle when it comes to parental alienation, as, the child is forced by the offending parent, to question a part of themselves, which should never be in question.

Edited April 11, 2014 by Scarpolo

[benalibina]

http://brainsyntax.com/Home/MessageDetail/402?fw=paaonor

[benalibina]

What to do when your child won't LET you connect?

By Genevieve Simperingham

No! Go away!, you dont care!,Stop talking! or the dreaded I hate you! If your child has expressed anything similar to this, be assured that youre not alone. For many parents, feelings of rejection and powerlessness surface in these situations. We're biologically driven to care for our children and it can feel really hard when our child doesn't appear to need us when they're clearly hurting. But your child does need you, they need to feel your strength and unconditional love, they need your acceptance of even these angry and rejecting feelings!

When your child pushes you away, wont let you hold them or even come near them, they still need to know that theyre emotionally held and cared for. No matter how cold the atmosphere theres always a way to bring back some warmth, perhaps with a sympathetic smile or a kind gesture.

When children struggle to cope with their feelings, they easily become angry and blame those they feel closest to. Parents can easily feel unfairly blamed, rejected and powerless; they then blame their child and either threaten, plead or reason to no avail. A chain reaction of blame and rejection ensues and both parent and child push each other further and further apart. Parents understandably feel hurt, rejected and criticized when ignored or verbally or physically attacked. The parents feelings are understandable, yet when they react from this hurt place, theyre more likely to take action they later regret and are less likely to resolve the unmet needs driving the behaviour. A battle ensues between two hurt child-like people, one taller than the other!

The big challenge and the big success lies in the parents ability to manage and care for their own feelings and stress levels at such times. In becoming more aware of their urge to argue for instance, they can instead choose to respond with empathy, even when setting clear limits. Children, like us adults, resist guidance during emotional challenges until they feel understood. Our child needs us to be their anchor, they need us to not lose the plot when they lose theirs, and when we do lose it (being human!), they need for the connection to be repaired. This gives them the modelling they need to slowly develop the self-regulation skills that will support them throughout life's challenges.

Traditionally, acting out behaviour in child and parent has been viewed as something to be controlled, without care or consideration of the underlying hurt feelings and unmet needs. Yet, for a response to be truly constructive, it needs to be influenced by empathy for oneself and ones child.

At times of emotional overload, our children desperately need us to see beyond the rejection and aggression. They need us to hear and respond compassionately towards their feelings of fear, overwhelm, aloneness and frustration. When upset, they cant access the reasoning part of their brain and being reasoned with can infuriate them. Asking whats wrong? is probably asking too much of them. But showing that youre sensitively caring about their feelings and taking the pressure off generally begins to hit the spot.

Its only when we can ourselves slow down, breathe, pause, give ourselves self-empathy and then engage our empathy for our child that we have the chance of interpreting what theyre really communicating. When they shout I hate you!, sometimes its the only way a child can show that theyre hating how they feel; words like youre stupid may indicate shame and humiliation; go away! may be a need for more respect of their boundaries and autonomy or an expression of loneliness, sadness or rejection. A typical example is the parent who leaves their very clingy sad child in the morning and returns in the evening to their child who now refuses to look at them. The child needs help re-connecting and resolving stuck feelings of rejection. This could be a great moment for a game of hide and seek where they regain feelings of empowerment around finding their parent who has disappeared.

Our heart is our internal compass that allows us to attune to our childs intricate feelings and needs and unless its engaged, we can feel lost at sea during emotional storms.

In the peaceful parenting model, when the child pushes their parent away, the parent identifies (the earlier the better) that the heat is rising and knows that unless the parent moderates the emotional temperature, things may head towards overload. Just stopping to ask what might he be feeling?, what might she really need? and how am I, what do I need? begins the journey from the head to the heart, leading us towards empathy. The parent refrains from interrogations like why must you react ..? and instead views the intensity of their childs expressions as being directly proportional to their stress levels and as a cry for safety and connection. Parents understand that children can only act as well as they feel and they only have the energy to give and cooperate when their emotional tanks are full.

Because children are highly attuned to their parents opinion of them, they have a protective instinct to reject their parent when conflict arises and they can fear their parents anger and criticism. The child also has an instinctive need for the support of their loving, mature and caring parent! Children can feel confused and conflicted when these instincts clash. When conflicts erupt and the connection breaks down, it's our responsibility as parents to make our way back to a calm mature state and to reassure our child that their very vulnerable sore and fragile feelings are safe with us.

"I want to appreciate you without judging. Join you without invading. Invite you without demanding. Leave you without guilt." ~ Virginia Satir

Lets explore a fairly typical example: A child storms into the room telling their parent that theyre never going to talk to their friend again. The parent responds with of course you will, shes your best friend. The childs desperate needs to have their feelings seen, validated and the invitation to share what happened were not met and now theyre hurting even more, so they retort You NEVER listen! and their parent snaps back how DARE you accuse me of that!, the child storms off shouting Youre not the boss of me!!. If the parent can remember to slow down, breathe and notice their feelings, they may identify that they reacted from feelings of powerlessness and anger. In situations like this, whats often interpreted as I can never get it right! might be more accurately interpreted as; Mum/Dad I cant cope with you not coping with my feelings. I need you to become calm, to care for me and see that Im doing my best. Im really hurting, please show me what I CAN do with all this rage, please listen and show me that my feelings are understandable.

When children are upset, they cannot be reached by reasoning. When angry, they respond only to emotional balm. Haim Ginott

Reasoning, moralizing, threatening or guilt tripping are counterproductive and tend to intensify rather than resolve a childs defensiveness. We want our child to open up to us because it feels safe and good, not because they feel guilty and worried about our feelings and needs. Its fine to invite your child to share their feelings as long as its expressed as an invitation rather than a demand or a guilt-trip. When truly unconditional, the parents invitation usually helps the child start to feel better, regardless of whether they are ready to open up or not. Reassure your child that your love is big enough to hold all their huge hurt and angry feelings. This reassurance of emotional safety signals that the coast is clear for them to open up again, that with you is a safe and solid place to land.

When does go away mean go away? When their child says "go away", most parents either walk away angrily or keep arguing. Either way, the child may feel even more upset and overwhelmed. Sometimes the child just needs support and respect for their need of some space to calm down (depending on age, safety and circumstances). However, more often than not, the child needs their anger to be expressed, witnessed, accepted and acknowledged. Rejecting their parent is often the childs only way of showing their feelings of rejection.

Children yearn to feel free of the stress of unexpressed emotions. When difficult feelings are listened to, accepted and understood, they become much less difficult, it allows the child to feel normal and ok about themselves again. Our children can generally only cope with their feelings to the extent that their parent can cope with them. Kids need to cry, shout, roar and scream when frustrations build up in intensity. But strong emotions can be hard for parents to cope with, especially if as children they weren't allowed to show such feelings. Unresolved feelings can get stirred up at these times.

But so much healing can happen when parents feel strong enough to really listen lovingly to their childs crying or raging. Screaming into a cushion or growling into hands can muffle the sound but allow the release or encourage your child to growl like an animal. Other outlets to help dispel excess tensions from the body are; stomping feet, jumping up and down while growling, laughter, pillow fights with parent, massage, art, water, mud, sand, singing, being in nature, to name but a few. Being the mature adult isnt always easy! Managing our emotions in intimate relationships, especially the parent child relationship, is one of the biggest challenges for most parents. Its right up there with night waking and sleep deprivation. Increasing our awareness of this dynamic and gaining empathetic emotional support in the process of learning how to navigate the tsunamis of emotions that parenting brings forward is so important and, I believe, one of the greatest gifts that parents can give to themselves.

Choose to be kind over being right and you'll be right every time. ~ Author, Dr. Richard Carlson.

Our children value our honesty and care about our feelings, but when they are themselves in an emotionally charged and raw state, its generally too much for them to be expected to hear and understand our feelings and needs. If you need to express a boundary, its best to keep it simple, for instance; I cant let you hurt me/ hit me/ swear at me, Im keeping us both safe, but Im here and I care, I really really care. Trust that your child wouldn't hurt others when angry if they could manage their overwhelming feelings. Blocking the physical attack as non-aggressively as possible, while kindly helping them to get it all out helps them develop great self-regulation skills for life! The calm after the storm is a better time to talk more about what happened and what might have worked better. You can ask; are you ready to hear my experience of what happened? It also helps if, at calm times, you can talk about how hard anger is for everyone, even adults, but what really helps is loving support and that even though its not ok to hurt you, themselves or others, its always a big yes to expressing their feelings and letting it all out when you can really be there for them.

Trust that your child wants the mutual love, trust, connection and understanding that you want. Its important to keep the emotional storms in perspective and stay in touch with the positive intentions of everyone in the family. Appreciate that everyone, you included, is doing their best. Some of the most empowering and loving words we can speak to one another are; "What do you need? These are words that we ask each other a lot in our family, which helps each person to listen to and honour their physical and emotional needs. These words remind us that all feelings and needs are valid and respected.

Vulnerability may be at the core of fear and uncertainty, but it is also the birthplace of courage and compassion - exactly what we need to help us stop lashing out and start engaging with the world from a place of worthiness; a place where empathy and kindness matter. ~ Brené Brown, Ph.D., LMSW in Ordinary Courage

For constructive parent coaching and courses email Genevieve. Or buy a CD or download of Genevieves Stress Relief for Parents CD; it can guide you to relax, de-stress, increase your awareness of the emotional reactions that can dampen your connection with your child, especially when tensions rise and teaches you some self-regulation skills that increase your ability to stay calm, patient and centred.

[wooloomooloo]

Would be interesting to know both sides of the story rather than the one-sided accounts.

[benalibina]

Would be interesting to know both sides of the story rather than the one-sided accounts.

I am not making this up.

You read some of the links on this topic ? Have you searched for yourself on the internet to get some documented info on this ?

You asked this question previously as well. So to come back and ask the same question again means....?

Be happy that you are ignorant about it. Wish i was.

I post on here mainly to let other parents know about this subject and how important it is not to speak bad to the child about the other parent. This for the effects it can have on their child.

The issue of Parental Alienation is ...Child Abuse....and is not commonly known in the western world....let alone in Thailand.

Edited April 19, 2014 by benalibina

[benalibina]

On facebook i am a member of a group of alienated parents. Mostly they are americans. Yesterday a father posted the attached letter. To be honest i do not know the mans history with the mother of/ and his 2 teenage children. How long they have seperated, where they all live and what happened which led to this situation. I only know what he wrote on the post of his letter.

"I think it is time to give up now".

I want to make clear again that PA is being done by women and men. So parents out here who are reading this topic.....take good care of the emotional wellbeing of your children. Please.

[benalibina]

http://angiemedia.com/2010/01/16/parental-alienation-can-happen-to-adults-and-in-marriages/#.U1mc12ZNfMI

Here an interesting article about the Parental Alienation Dynamics during the marriage. Never thought about this until today

[benalibina]

http://www.hostile-aggressive-parenting.com/what_is_Hostile_Aggressive_Parenting.asp

[benalibina]

http://www.hostile-aggressive-parenting.com/evaluating_HAP_step1.asp

The above test can be an eyeopener for parents who are in a troubled relationship with the mother/father of their child(ren).

Its a boring test so you need to take the time to read the questions properly and answer honestly.

[Patsycat]

you seem to post a lot about parental alienation. But what have you done to rectify you own situation? We can all read links to numerous places but, i for one, would like to know what you are doing.

[Showbags]

Is it better to tell the truth, or tell a lie ?

[benalibina]

This is what most alienated parents have to deal with. Its very difficult to convince others that child abuse is taking place.

Edited July 28, 2014 by benalibina